Chapter 7 #2
Declan Winters. The celebrated quarterback, my big brother, and the definition of a role model. Someone who did everything he was supposed to and never gave anyone a reason to doubt him. He was one of the most kind-hearted people I knew.
My mind goes numb as I trace the sharpie over the rice paper—letter by slow letter—trying my best to hold in my emotions.
It’s a lot easier than I expected it to be.
Maybe because I only have memories of before the night they died to hold on to.
But pain starts to surface when I imagine what my true last moments with the both of them could have been. Were they good or bad?
After about ten minutes of just staring at their names and seeing that a handful of others have already made their way up to get lanterns lit, I decide that it's my turn.
I feel Jensen's eyes on me the closer I get and I wonder if he feels hopeful that I'll go to him for the light. He watches me, and I can see the disappointment on his face as I decide to pass him and though I don't want any animosity between us, I decide to go to Banks instead.
"Hey, Liv," he greets me, and I give him a small smile as I hand him my lantern.
I’ve never really interacted with Banks before.
He’s tall and tattooed with dark, handsome features.
I know he’s the same age Declan would have been.
I know he used to play football with my brother but don't really know if he still does or not. I know that he's been hanging out with Jensen these past few months, which kind of started out of nowhere if you ask me. I also know that Alli has a crush on him, something she probably won’t admit. But above all else, I know that he’s always kept to himself and is usually pretty quiet.
I watch as Banks ignites a match before pressing the flame to the inside of my lantern.
"Thank you," I say to him as he hands it back to me, and then I turn to walk away.
"Hey.” His deep tone reaches me, causing me to turn back to face him. “If you have any more trouble with Broden, just let me know," he says to me, nodding his head in the direction of the guy I man-handled earlier, causing me to follow his line of sight.
"You saw that, did you?" I say under my breath as I watch Broden, seemingly sensing me as he looks over at me to return my eye contact.
He almost looks as if he’s guilty of something.
Sick thoughts twist in my head as something foreboding churns in my gut.
I can’t be sure why, but the feeling is there.
Does he know something? Does he have anything to do with the death of my brother or Seren?
But if so, then why would he have killed his own friends?
Maybe he got that scar the night my brother was killed.
“Do you know if he was there? You know . . . the night of the murders?” I ask, hoping that Banks isn’t going to beat around the bush like everyone else has.
“I can’t help you there, unfortunately. I wasn’t there.” I feel defeated by his words. “But I’d stay clear of him if I were you.” I narrow my eyes in curiosity at Banks’ warning, wondering just what else he may know about Broden that he’s not willing to discuss with me.
My head starts to spin with different scenarios, concocting reasons why I actually want to keep a closer eye on the guy.
One, he gives me a weird fucking feeling.
Two, he seems to be connected to both Seren and Deck, even if it’s a very small connection.
But it’s there. And three, he was also friends with the other two deceased.
Does that mean anything? Maybe not. Or maybe it's the answer to everything. I can’t be sure because I can’t fucking remember anything from that night.
I'm just hopeful that whatever it is I'm missing isn't of any use, because the idea that I might have the answers and I just can't remember them eats at me.
I feel my heartbeat about to explode thinking about it all, anxiety pressing into my chest, so I force myself to exhale slowly before I turn to look at Banks.
“Where were you that night?” I ask, not intending for the question to come off as accusatory, but I'm sure it does.
I realize that I don’t really know much about him and who’s to even say he’s telling me the truth.
What if he was there and doesn’t want to say so because he knows I’ve lost my memories from that night?
Besides, I shouldn’t be allowing my proximity to the people in this forest to be any closer than necessary.
I’m not really sure who I can or cannot trust right now.
Any one of these people could be responsible, playing me like a fucking fool.
And even though my gut is telling me Banks could be a safe ally, I decide to keep my guard up just in case.
“I can promise you, Olivia, I’m not who you’re looking for. And if you need more than just my word on that, I can tell you that I’ve been sworn to keep my eye on you.”
What the-
Everything freezes. How could I forget? Banks isn’t just a stranger to me and it goes beyond his connection with my brother. I've known him outside of that. I knew him when he was friends with him. Is that who he’s talking about? He's been sworn to keep his eyes on me by him?
I realize that Banks has walked away, joining Jen back at the table and while he’s given me room to breathe again, his words still seem to dig into me. But I have to shake them off, deciding to walk the few feet over to the clearing designated for the lantern release.
I take in a deep breath, letting the cold air fill my lungs as I twirl the paper in my hands a few times, looking over the names I'd written. The glow from the flame on the inside illuminates in amber rays against the black outlines of the sharpie, Seren and Declan’s names standing out against paper just like they did in real life.
I hold the lantern out in front of me. It kind of feels like my heart is about to be ripped out of my chest all over again.
But this is supposed to help me honor them and hopefully eliminate any negative memories I have from that night.
Letting it all go as their eternal spirits ideally float away into the night, releasing them into the everlasting skies.
I know it’s only a mindful tradition of sorts, but I wonder if it really does work for some people.
I take a deep breath, hoping that I can feel some kind of respite from holding onto the pain their deaths have caused me, carved into my heart by a broken blade and engraved with a tragic poison, seeping into my bones.
When I leave this town, I’m leaving everything and everyone in it behind, and I know that includes the essence of what I once knew Deck and Seren to be.
Hopefully I can replace the darkness I have of them with the light I once felt on my face when I had them in my life, before it got snuffed out, and maybe when I free myself from this trap of a town, they will be released as well.
I close my eyes and exhale, counting to three in my head before letting it go. I feel the rice paper float out of my hands and I open my eyes to see the dim light of the flame fluttering in the wind as it carries the lantern up, up, and away.
I relax, not realizing the tension I held while anticipating this moment but once I watch the little lantern disappear into the vastness of the night sky, I feel it.
The release.
Or at least an illusion of such.
But then something happens. The sky swallows the stars and the air turns colder. I watch the flame flicker faintly in the distance but the warmth of fire caresses my skin in heated waves.
And then there’s laughter. Lots of it. And before I know it . . .
I’m stomping over to the fire pit, irritation hovering over me like a dark cloud.
He's high. Higher than a fucking kite, and I know that while now might not be the best time to confront him on this, I'm leaving next weekend.
He doesn't know it yet but I can't leave while he's willing to risk everything he’s worked for by spiraling out of control. He’s got a life outside of this town waiting for him. A possibility to follow his dream into the professional world of football, but all that will come crashing down if he continues to fold into whatever peer pressure he seems to be giving into. Or whatever it is he’s letting consume him.
If there's one person he might be willing to listen to, it's me and I just want to know what’s going on.
I pull the joint right out of his fingers. His friends boo me all while Deck just laughs. But when I toss his weed into the bonfire, that’s when he decides to get rowdy with me.
I yank him by his shirt so that his friends aren’t in earshot and I drag him past a few trees. I can tell that he's too inebriated for this to be a productive conversation. But I have to try.
"You're being immature," I tell him as he leans against the trunk of the tree. The sun is on the cusp of setting behind the rest of the mountain and the cold air has settled into the bones of the pines. Noises of people laughing and playing drunk games can be heard in waves of echoes surrounding us but I wasn’t going to sit back and watch my big brother throw his life away.
"And you're being annoying," Declan slurs his words, his eyes a fluttering mess as he chuckles ridiculously.
I step up to him and grab him by his cheeks with one hand, pinching them together as I bring his face straight to force him to look at me.
"You can't even freaking see straight," I accuse, and he stumbles into the tree a bit before swiping my hand away with his own.
"Get off me," he whines before falling onto the ground.
I watch him; the pain of seeing my brother ruin his life stampedes me.
He's always been like a second best friend to me, and I never had a reason to doubt who he'd become.
Regardless of the rumors I'd heard about Declan Winters going downhill for whatever reason, I never imagined the day I would witness his actual downfall.