Chapter 7 #3
"Deck, I really don't want to do this right now. You're being stubborn," I say as I try to help him back up off the snowy ground but he swipes at me again, denying my assistance.
Instead, he sloppily pushes himself up and uses the tree to balance himself once more.
"You approached me, remember? And besides, stubbornness runs in our family, sis." He's right. Even wasted on weed and beer, he's absolutely right. We're all laced with a little stubbornness but the way he's justifying his behavior is more than just being stubborn, it's concerning.
"Can't you see that what you're doing is hurting you? Hurting me?" I try to reason with him, let him know that his behavior is affecting me, and I want him to be better than this. I know he can be. This is my big brother, the most kind-hearted person I’ve ever known. Someone I’ve always looked up to.
But now, I feel hopeless as I look into his empty eyes.
"Whatever is going on with you, I can help you figure it out, Deck, but this…" I wave my hand at him, and I inadvertently make a disgusted face at him while doing so. "This is not like you at all."
"If you'd just mind your own business, it wouldn't be hurting you. And people can change, you know. Besides, I'm just having fun, sis. Lighten up." He staggers a bit as he murmurs his drunken words.
There's having fun and getting into a little bit of trouble, and then there's being troubled and turning to something to take away that burden of whatever guilt is twisting in your brain.
And I can tell, something is bothering him.
He's not doing this so he can have a fun story to tell when this weekend is all over.
He's doing this because he wants to forget something, because he thinks he deserves to feel empty, but for what?
Watching Deck in this state is almost like watching his soul being stripped away, and I hate that he has no will to fight for it back.
"You know people talk about you. They say that ever since that party you went to last month, you've gone off the deep end, like something changed you. What happened?" I cross my arms over my chest, but I try to calm my tone in hopes that I'll get through a little better.
Declan hasn't been this way for long. But it was like a one-eighty switch. One day he was just his normal, friendly football-star self and then the next, he was the town's most troubled occupant and not giving a fuck about the consequences of his actions.
He started skipping classes and broke into the liquor store one night. He's been absent from dinner with Dad and I and his whole attitude just sucks.
"Nothing happened to me. And I think people need to mind their own damn business." He waves his hand around in the air before pointing his finger right at me. "Starting with you."
I roll my eyes, feeling hopeless that this conversation will go anywhere but not wanting to give up on him.
"Talk to me, Deck," I plead. "I'm trying to fucking help you here."
"I don't want your help," he says before finding an abandoned solo cup on the ground a few feet over and stumbling over to pick it up.
I try to rush to it first but he's faster. He picks it up and downs whatever unknown, leftover contents were inside causing me to groan at his stupidity.
"You might not care about your life anymore, Deck. But I do," I tell him, ripping the cup out of his hand and tossing it away from us.
"You want a fuckin’ trophy or somethin'? Cuz I got plenty of them I’m willing to part with." He laughs and I have to stop myself from slapping him in the face. Deck worked hard for all of the awards and trophies he’s collected over the years. How could he be so insensitive?
"You're being an ass."
"I don't see the problem," he mumbles before we're interrupted by one of his friends.
"Deck? You comin'?" A holler comes from somewhere behind the trees, but I don't take my attention off my brother as he stumbles toward me.
"Yeah, be right there," he shouts back before reaching out to lay his hand over my shoulder. I almost avoid it but I'm afraid he's about to fall over again so I stand still to let him say whatever tumbles out of his mouth next.
"Let it go, Liv. There are just some things in life that you wouldn't understand," he says; his words gurgle against his drunk-washed tone.
"I'm trying to understand, Deck." I reach out to put my hands on his shoulders in return. I want him to know I'm here for him and that I'm not going to give up on him, even if he's already given up on himself.
But he just pushes me away before stepping to the side, nearly tripping over his own two feet. "Well, go try somewhere else," he stammers, and I simply stand there defeated while he leaves to go back to wasting the rest of his life away on cheap beer…
“Olivia. Are you okay?” I flinch, looking over at my side to see Jensen looking at me in concern. “You zoned out for a minute.”
My heart is racing. My brain is still a little fuzzy but everything comes back into focus. The heat of the fire no longer permeates around me and the light flicker from the lantern has now disappeared into the sky.
A memory. I just saw a fucking memory from that night.
A tear slides down my cheek. Pieces of me break apart inside while others seem to reconnect.
Declan.
That was our last moment together. Not the drive up the mountain. Not the smile on his face.
A fucking argument.
“That was my last moment with my brother,” I say, not realizing that it’s out loud.
“What?” Jensen asks but I can see in his eyes that he’s realizing what’s happening.
He tries to step closer to me and my eyes catch his own paper lantern in his hand.
The only name written on it is Seren's, scribbled in red ink.
I didn't even know he really even knew Seren, but I don't have time to make a connection as tears start clouding my vision and my grief splinters inside me.
I step back and Jen steps forward, worry covering his face. But I take another step back before I turn and I run.
Wind swipes against my face as mud splashes under my feet.
He was losing control, I remember now. Maybe I couldn’t remember that part of his life because our last memory together was locked away behind the black hole in my mind.
But it’s clear now. I remember. Declan was suffering from something.
He was going through something, and he didn’t want my help. I tried. But it didn’t work.
And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I stop running, finding my footing and leaning against the tree. I feel my lungs tighten with the need for a solid breath of air but my heart burns, my soul aches, and everything I wish I knew feels like it could break me even more than before.
I bend over with my hand pressed to my chest. The pain is too much to handle. Tears fall down my face and I squeeze my eyes shut, desperate to forget the last words we spoke. The looks we gave. It hurts too fucking much.
Why?
Why him? Why my brother?
Why couldn’t I save him?
I stand back up, letting the cold bite of the October air calm me, anchor me. I want to scream, but I can’t. I won’t.
Because the sound of screams is something that echoes in my mind. And Deck doesn’t deserve my screams. Not when it would be a product of anger. Of guilt. Of hate.
He deserves my light and my love and my calm. He wouldn’t want me to feel pain. He’d want me to remain strong. But how can I do that when this feels like getting pieces of him back just to lose him all over again?
“I’m trying to understand, Deck.”
“Well, go try somewhere else.”
I know he didn’t mean it. I know that if he knew those would be our last words to each other, he wouldn’t have said them.
And I know that whatever it was he was going through, he didn’t deserve the fate he was dealt. I know my brother was good. I know he loved me.
Something in the distance pulls my attention. Laughter from the other side of the trees. I assume it’s the commotion from those gathering for the movie. Something that I wasn’t really interested in before but now, it just seems impossible to think about.
But I have a memory. It might not be much, but I can only hope that there are more where that came from. Whether they are good or bad, I need more.
I need to piece together that night so that I can move on. So that I can let go. So that I can find whoever did this and make them fucking pay.