Chapter 12 OLIVIA #2
“You don’t have to do that, Al. You’re fine to stay, I just need some rest and I’ll be okay.
” I shrug my shoulders while still maintaining sincerity in my tone.
“You shouldn’t miss out on the full experience, anyway.
You wanted to come and now you’re here so enjoy it.
” I try my best to remain positive even though I sense danger in the air.
I don’t want to push my concerns onto my friend when I could just be over analyzing everything.
I see Alli’s eyes swirl with something a little less confident as she closes the space between us and lowers her voice.
“Can I tell you something before you go?” she asks, and curiosity weaves into my brain
“What’s up?”
“The truth is, I was terrified to come up here. Still kind of am, actually. Even despite how sure I might have presented myself to you the other day.” She sighs, and I wait for her to continue.
“Knowing what happened up here, it affected me. Still does, ya know. I mean, I know I can’t have possibly experienced what you did, even if you can’t remember, but knowing that I could have been up here that night kind of haunted me.
Wondering if I could have done something to help or if I could have stopped that fucking monster from…
” she trails off, her words broken by a tormented tone.
“Or if I could have just helped you remember.”
I dip my head, guilt pummeling me. I don’t hear many people talk about that night and I always assumed it was because they moved on from it a lot quicker than I had.
Or because they didn’t want to talk about it in front of me because I can’t remember.
Or maybe they’re hiding something. Maybe all of them are; maybe they all know something I don’t.
But hearing Alli talk about the repressed feelings she’s kept in makes me realize that everyone truly does handle things differently.
That maybe not everyone knows how to talk about it or wants to.
Not everyone is tied to that night; maybe they had no relationship with the four that died.
And I’m just fixated on it because I am tied to that night and only have the memories my brain is allowing me to remember.
I look to Alli who is now looking up at the sky, snowflakes falling over her face and landing in her hair.
“So then why come? You could have just stayed,” I ask her, knowing that my reason to come was mainly to get some closure, or maybe answers. And it seems to be working seeing as I now have recollection of the last time I truly saw my brother.
Alli looks down at her feet
“Just a few weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail,” she starts and I keep my eyes steady on her, but she doesn’t continue.
“Okay?” I grasp for more, waiting for her to explain.
“It was from my dad, Olivia.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
“You know, my mom told me she got pregnant and didn’t know who my father was,” Alli starts, keeping her arms crossed over her shoulder as she whispers to me.
“Said it could have been a few different guys. But then I remember when I was ten, my mom and I got into a fight and I told her I wished I was living with my dad. I was just a kid acting out in anger. But that’s when she let it spill that my dad didn’t want to be a father and that’s why he left us.
” I can hear the heartbreak mix with something conflicting in her tone.
“She told me two different stories and I won’t lie, it’s been with me ever since.
I don’t know how to figure out which one was a lie or if any of them are real”
“Well, which one do you believe?” I ask, wondering if she’s thought about it.
“Honestly, I don’t even know. And I’m not even sure it matters.
I can’t even be sure that the man who mailed me the letter is even telling the truth either.
But it was addressed to my full name, which not many people know, and he says he has proof.
But I can’t ask my mom from six feet under and I am kind of curious to find out. I don’t have much to lose.”
“Well, what did the letter say?”
She puts her hands in her back pockets and rocks on her feet.
“Well, that he was sorry for waiting so long to reach out. He couldn’t find me for the longest time and he knows it might be too late but he wants me to come down for the summer to meet my family.
I guess he has a wife and a kid and he owns some property with his friends that they spend the springs and summers in.
” She looks back up to the sky. And here I thought I was the only one with problems.
“Are you gonna go?” I ask.
“That letter is part of the reason I wanted to do this whole small town tradition,” she rolls her eyes playfully.
“It didn’t really appeal to me otherwise.
But I’m not sure what I’ll do. If I do leave, it’ll be with zero regrets.
I just wanted to do something for me before I decide to let anyone else into my life, ya know. ”
Oh, girl. I know more than you fucking think.
Alli steps up to me and reaches for my hands.
“I’m sorry if it seemed like I was trying to pressure you into coming up here. I could tell you were battling with that decision and I feel shitty for not accepting the fact that you weren’t going to come. I just knew I would have hated not having you here with me. But I’m glad you came.”
“Well, I’m not so sure I can say the same for me,” I start. “I’m starting to think I came up here for all the wrong reasons.”
The admission hits me in my gut. I, too, would rather leave this town free and clear; no regrets and no unanswered questions. But part of me feels more unraveled yet simultaneously trapped than I did this morning.
“Well, if you decide to leave this town, I’ll support that decision. I might be right behind you.” She reaches out to gently pat my shoulder.
“Thank you,” I respond with a soft smile. “I’m gonna go back to the cabin and take a shower,” I start. “And you are gonna go cuddle up to Banks and enjoy the rest of your night.”
“He could probably care less about me,” she sighs.
“No, I saw the way he looked at you earlier,” I tell her, causing her to smirk. “We’ll catch up later,” I say as I turn on my heel to start my way back to the cabin.
But before I get too far, Alli sing-songs from behind me, “Have a killer time.”
I freeze.
My blood runs cold.
What did she…
I slowly turn to look behind me, seeing that she’s disappeared into the darkness of the crowd gathered around for the movie. Her voice still echoing off the soaked tree trunks.
I tilt my head.
What the fuck did she just say?
After making it back to the cabin, I let out a sigh of relief.
Quiet is what I need. Something about this forest is causing me to fall deeper and deeper into my head, wondering who the fuck I can trust and why I’m even here in the first place.
But I can’t help but to succumb to the feeling that, as the night goes on, something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it in the air. Maybe that’s why my instincts were calling me up here, to warn me.
I shake my head from the nonsense brewing in my fogged up brain and I kick off my shoes before I enter the bathroom and lean against the sink, palms gripping the edges of the counter.
I have two anxiety pills left. I look down at them, right where I left them on the granite top, and I question taking one of them.
“Do I need it?” I ask myself as I look in the mirror. I don’t look as shaken as I feel. Not nearly as haunted either. But my body feels so on edge, like I’m falling.
I duck my head to look down at the sink as I conjure up a vision of the only reason why I feel this way right now and my heart rate starts to race again. But it’s not because of Alli’s admissions, or even because of Broden or the memory I walked away with of Deck.
It’s him.
I decide against the anxiety medication though, and instead I slip the rings off my fingers and place them on the bathroom sink next to the pills.
Then I shimmy off my jacket and toss it on my bed before turning on the water for the shower.
But before I start to take off the rest of my clothes, a thought pops into my head.
Trace saw me earlier. Hell, he was so close that he had heard what Alli had said to me about my hair.
I don’t want to risk him sneaking in here while I’m in the shower, so I make the rounds of the cabin to make sure the front door and all of the windows are secured and locked in place.
Only then do I strip down to nothing and step into the steaming spray of the shower.
There was a time where my whole heart was wide open for Trace.
He was my world, back when I fell for him hard and fast. It's kind of hard not to when someone as handsome and mysterious as him makes you out to be the highlight of his life, whispering sweet nothings mixed with glittering promises. And his actions spoke just as loud as his words. I trusted him with everything I had, I just couldn’t force myself to risk giving him that last bit of thread he was tugging for.
It would have given him a chance to hurt me if I had. To leave me. To unravel me.
But in the end it didn’t matter, because that’s exactly what he did. So why the hell is he crashing down on me with the force of whatever fucked up wrath he’s inclined for me to incur? Why me?
What you did to me will haunt you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? He obviously has the belief that I betrayed him somehow from the sound of it, but he’s the one who abandoned me. After everything I gave him, after I was planning to run away with him.
I close my eyes and bring my focus back to the memory of that night.