Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Violet
I thought Evander would be logging into the account multiple times per day, even while the test was in transit. But I didn’t see him buried in his phone or the laptop. He didn’t mention checking for the results. In the two days since we’d mailed our samples, he acted the same as always. He worked outside all day, either with his plants or fixing up the shed he insisted needed replacing.
I was in the kitchen on the phone with my mom. “I talked to Daisy.”
“How is she?” Mom asked, interest filling her voice.
I relayed everything Daisy had said. “It was nice talking to her again. It’d be really cool if I worked with her.”
“I miss that girl,” Mom said in a hushed tone like she was afraid Alder would hear from wherever he was in Billings. “You’re really thinking of moving there?”
“Yeah, if I get the job.” The interview had gone well. “ I’ll be closer to Lily and the kids. Closer to you and Dad than I was in California.” Closer to the father of my kid.
“I’m so glad—Anyway. It’s nice to see you more.”
“Were you going to say you’re glad I broke up with Willis?”
“No. Yes. I did not like him. I’m sorry, honey.”
Mom had been nothing but supportive. I owed her a little more of the truth. “He got a vasectomy before we met.”
“What?”
“Vasectomy Willis.” When she snorted, I grinned. I should not be using Evander’s name for him. “We had the marriage-and-kids talk before we moved in together. He knew I wanted kids, and he never said anything. All those years, I put up with him because I thought…I don’t know. I thought he was it.” We’d met in grad school. He’d been flattering at first, and then I’d tried to keep up with his lifestyle. Tried to keep earning his approval. “It was easier than starting over.”
Starting over was stressful, but I was doing it, and the freedom was worth it.
“There’s still time for you to find someone who loves and respects you. Those babies will come.”
I put a hand on my stomach. The urge to tell her everything fought against the need to have all the information first. My pragmatism won out. “I know.”
“Tell me when you hear how the interview went.”
“Will do. Love you guys.” I hung up with her.
Easier than starting over. Wasn’t that the truth?
My phone pinged with a notification. I frowned. It was the group text that had been quiet for months. Lacey Wilcox. What’d she want? She was one of the more insufferable people I’d gotten to know through Willis. She was a friend of his family.
An image loaded of her holding out her hand with a giant gaudy diamond flashing on her ring finger as she stood next to Willis.
“What the…” I enlarged the image. Yep. His grandmother’s engagement ring. My indignant gasp rang through the kitchen. “It’s been less than four months, you asshole.”
I deleted the message.
Asshole!
Vindictive bitch. Years of cutting remarks. I should’ve just dumped wine on her head the many times I had fantasized about it. Had he cheated on me?
I crossed my arms and stared out the window. No. Willis was a liar, but he’d been too needy to cheat. I’d have noticed the change in him. He was so needy he’d rebounded to the first girl who took him and proved he could settle down.
Or he’d found something in her that I lacked. Fuck him. He wasn’t married yet anyway.
An engine sounded outside. A minute later, Evander entered holding a box. “Yarn’s here.”
I squealed and rushed to grab it. Losing myself in a pattern would be the perfect way to take the sting off the picture. I tore into the box. Evander got himself a glass of water, but instead of leaving, he moved the packaging out of the way as I opened each container. It was filled with hooks and several skeins of yarn, mostly dark plum, and then another had baby blue and yellow yarn.
“It’s going to be so pretty,” I cooed. Excitement rang through me like a bell, loud and clear, more powerful when I knew how I’d been discouraged before. “I can’t believe I’m geeking out over yarn.”
I set my new supplies on the table. “I think I’ve got enough to make two.” Wasn’t one cat couch bad enough? Two? “Never mind. That’s ridiculous.”
“Why?”
“It’s a waste of time.” Making furniture for barn cats. The sparkly engagement ring filled my head. “And a silly idea. They’ll probably get mouse-infested in two days.”
“Brave mice to bunk down with a couple of cats.” He picked up the hooks and glanced at the instructions I had printed at the library yesterday. “I’ve seen a lot worse hobbies, Violet. Make all the cat couches you want. It’s not a waste of time if it makes you happy.”
I fluttered my hands above my head. “I should be doing something.”
He crossed his arms, and God help me, he was wearing a T-shirt that showed how much his biceps bulged. “Where is this coming from?”
“What?”
“The bullshit about a hobby that lights you up?” When I shook my head, he pulled out a chair and angled it so he faced me when he sat. “It’s that pussy of an ex, isn’t it?”
The photo was stained on the cells of my brain. No acid wash would get it out.
Evander took his ball cap off and tossed it on the table. He ran a hand over his head and scratched his fingers down his scruff the way I wanted to every day.
When did my hormones get so wanton? I didn’t sit around thinking about touching and tasting a guy I was attracted to. Precisely one of the reasons why I was starting all over again. “I got a picture sent to me from someone I used to hang out with. It appears she and Willis are engaged.”
He whistled low. “That was fast.”
Shame and regret burned hot in my cheeks. “Seven years I wasted with that man.” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t keep that mantra in my head. “It was a long learning lesson that’s hard not to regret.” I screwed my face up. So damn hard not to regret. “I can’t help but wonder what that makes me. I knew how he was. And I stayed.”
“It makes you human.”
“Sure.”
“Violet, I’ve been around a lot of personalities in my time, and I had to be in charge of a lot. Like herding fucking cats. It might surprise you that I’ve been around a lot of guys like your ex.” Disgust curled the corner of his lip. “I’d get a lot of commanders wanting me all up in my soldiers’ business on their off time. Fuck that. If they’re not breaking the law, I don’t give a fuck if they game every second of every hour they’re at home. We went through enough shit. Sure, I’d step in if I thought they needed mental help, but other than that? They should do what brings them joy—at the very least, peace. I just made sure I was there if they needed anything. If they wanted a book club when we were deployed, I found a place for them to have a book club. If they wanted to give swing dance lessons in the desert, fuck it. We’re having swing dance lessons. What they didn’t need to be doing was cleaning their weapon each second from watch duty to watch duty. Not everything you do needs to signal productivity or even be a gauge of your intelligence.”
I’d been discouraged from joining a book club before. My coworkers weren’t reading the next great American novel. They’d chosen a thriller that had sounded good. I’d settled for so little from a guy while Evander had made a book club happen just because it made his soldiers happy. “I never thought I’d find so many similarities between myself and soldiers.” His expression went blank. Crap. I sounded like a Willis. “Not like that. Most of your soldiers were guys?”
He nodded. “For infantry, yes.”
“I barely even hunted.”
“Not many of my soldiers ever hunted either.” He sat forward, propping those muscled and veined forearms on his knees. “Attitudes like Willis’s weren’t specific to a rank or gender. I had officers who trashed anyone they could, and I’ve had privates put down others with every word out of their mouths. I put a lid on that real quick. Shit’s done to hurt others, not help them. Do what you love.”
The warmth inside me spread farther out with every word. He was defending my hobby. More than that, he was encouraging me to have hobbies. “I once brought home a coloring book after I got my first big girl job, and Willis laughed like a donkey.”
“Did you nut punch him?”
I grinned, but the humor faded quickly. “No. I never colored. He thought gardening was a waste of time, but he wanted our place to look nice. Keep up with the Joneses, you know.”
“Mom weeded my flower beds. I give zero fucks about flowers, but she enjoys it. I’d never stop her. That’d be a dick move.”
A knot tightened around my heart. He loved his mom. He hated feeling like he was hurting her, but the discourse between him and his father did just that. So he kept his distance. “What about you? Are you doing what you love? ”
He scowled, his gaze boring into the floor.
“What do you do for fun?” I pressed, curious now why it was so hard to answer.
When he lifted his gaze, those dark irises burned into me. The temperature in the room ramped up, and an answering throb ignited between my thighs. I’d experienced what he liked to do for fun.
Then he blinked, and a wave of cool air washed over me. The AC had kicked on, but that wasn’t it. His expression was carefully neutral. “I’m still finding out.”
“Did you like the army?” He was talking, and I wanted him to continue. I had enjoyed the Evander I had met at Reservoir Barrel. The brooding, dubious man I’d stayed with had layers. He had emotions he kept bottled up. I wanted to know him as much as possible. For the baby’s sake.
Once, I’d dared peek into his bedroom when he went to town. The room was done in grays like the rest of the house and punctuated with thick, black blinds. He had a shadow box on his dresser with what looked like medals hanging inside, but I hadn’t dared breach the threshold of his bedroom.
“Sometimes,” he finally answered. “The deployments themselves could be real fucking hard.”
“Could be? Not all the time?”
He lifted a shoulder. “Not all the time, but what sucked was a level of hell that overshadows it all.” He ducked his head. “Same with life after deployment. Moments of hell that just…taint it all.”
“You lost a lot of people?” I leaned closer, wanting to put a hand on his shoulder, even give him a hug. Would he accept the comfort or toss me off? He could run hot and cold, and I didn’t want to risk it. I’d rather he kept talking.
“Yeah. One way or another,” he said roughly. Shaking himself, he slapped his hands on his legs and rose. He tapped the top of the case of hooks. “Maybe it’s why I think your ex is a piece of shit for trying to ruin the joy in your life. Make a cat couch, Violet. Then, if you want, make another. Fuck your ex and everyone else who thinks it’s a waste of time.”
“Thank you, Evander.”
“Nothing to thank me for.”
I stood and stepped in his way before he escaped out the door. “There is. You’ve…done a lot for me. I know you’re doing it to protect yourself, but thank you.”
His gaze stroked over my face, but he didn’t move around me. “Wanna grab something to eat? Later?”
“Like at a restaurant?” Was he asking me out? I kept my delight at bay.
“I hear Rattler’s is good. Or Purple Petal in Crocus Valley.”
I repressed a wide smile. “I’d like that. I’ve never gone so long eating my own cooking.”
“Whatever you make smells good.”
“Cooking was never my strong point. Baking is. It’s more precise and less art. Like chemistry.”
A ghost of a smile played over his lips. This time, he did sidestep me, but he stopped and leaned close. “Don’t underestimate your cooking. I’ve snuck a bite or two of your leftovers.”
I was full-on grinning when he left the kitchen.
Evander
Violet tapped her fingers on her curvy thigh in the passenger seat. We’d decided to go to Purple Petal in Crocus Valley. Fewer relatives we might run into.
Whose bright idea was it to take the cute, pregnant woman I was living with on a date? And why was I so desperate to do it before the paternity result showed up?
The last week had been nice. Peaceful in a way I hadn’t experienced. Ever. Violet did her thing. I did mine. When she spoke to me, she wasn’t cutting, snide or demeaning. She didn’t blame, and she didn’t insult me. She’d started cooking more for dinners and mentioned that there was enough for me. We hadn’t eaten together. But I’d devour her meals.
Since she didn’t need to be waiting on my ass, I made extra for breakfast. I didn’t know what she was into, but it wasn’t tuna. I had learned that quick enough. I stuck to eggs in various forms—sandwiches, burritos, bakes. Each time, she thanked me. Something so simple but was like the goddamn sunrise, brightening my whole day.
I might not trust Violet, but she was showing me that I’d had poor as fuck taste in women before her. If she was untrustworthy, she was still better than anyone else I’d dated.
She listened. Probably why I couldn’t keep my mouth shut around her when it came to my family or telling her why I had enlisted and what army life had been like. She was easy to talk to.
I’d miss her when she left. Or when I left. Whatever the hell happened.
I pulled into the parking lot. A giant crocus graced the logo on the sign. The same pretty purple flower was growing in the pastures when I’d rented the house.
“I love that they named the restaurant after a flower,” Violet said. “My mom would take us out crocus hunting each April. Some years, they’d cover the hillside.”
“My mom loves them too. She says their limited season makes them extra special.”
“Mom used to say the same thing. Sometimes, we’d go to Sweet Briar Lake to fish in early summer just so she could find violets with me.” Violet grinned, and it punched me right in the chest.
I wasn’t a flower snob, I never thought twice about them, but violets were prettier than crocuses.
The parking lot was half full for a Friday, but it’d probably be packed before we left. It wasn’t five yet. I had suggested we go earlier to beat the crowd. The desire to stay private for as long as possible was an unspoken agreement between us.
After I parked, she was out of the vehicle before me. We walked next to each other, though I was tempted to walk behind her. She hadn’t worn her jean shorts again, but the linen shorts she preferred draped over her round ass cheeks, and the thinner fabric gave me a better show.
Today, she had on a sleeveless top with a pale-purple pattern. I could put her hand in the crook of my arm again, have her skin against mine, but I resisted. If anyone we knew saw us, they’d question if we were on a date or just friendly. I didn’t care to lie to more people than my parents.
Inside, the hostess seated us in a booth in the back.
I ordered a Kona on tap, and Violet stuck with water. She pored over the menu. Her shirt was loose, but she’d be, what? Three and a half months along? Was she showing? When would I be able to tell?
Would I be around?
The young server returned with the water. “Your beer is on the way. What can I get you?”
Violet pushed her menu toward the end of the table. “Steak tortellini, please. I’ll take the salad with ranch on the side.”
I got a burger and fries. When the girl disappeared, Violet sipped her water and stared out the window.
The way her face had lit when she got her crocheting supplies would stay imprinted in my psyche forever. Joy and excitement in her eyes, then the sheepishness when she got self-conscious. She’d been radiant. Then her light had been dimmed.
Fuck that guy.
She crossed her arms on the table and drummed the fingers of one hand against her other arm. I looked around. The place was filling up with families and groups. A few other couples sat in the bar.
“Why’d you finally ask me out?” she asked.
I should’ve asked her about her crocheting before she could hit me with the tough questions again. I had told myself this wasn’t a date, but it sure as fuck felt like one. “I don’t know.”
She nodded and turned her attention out the window. “I understand, you know. Why you don’t trust me. I have my own baggage, and you have yours. ”
She understood. I didn’t trust her, and she knew it and she understood. Hell of a woman. “When I was twenty and at my first post and living up life with my newfound freedom and my own money, I met a woman.” Was I really going to tell this story? I hadn’t spoken about it since it happened. Bad enough that my parents had known about it.
She smirked. “I bet you met a lot of women.”
“In those early years? I met all the wrong ones. Then I felt like I was a magnet for the hot messes and kept my distance. I learned to be alone, to deal with my feelings without sex or substances.”
“Then you met another mess in Reservoir Barrel.”
“No, Violet. You’re not a mess.” She was smart and knew what she wanted. Mostly. I was starting to believe that if I truly didn’t want a thing to do with this kid, Violet would walk away and forget about me, and I wouldn’t know what the hell to do. “But this girl, she was, uh, a user. She lived by military posts and preyed on young soldiers.”
“Was she older?”
I nodded. “Twenty-five.”
Surprise flitted across her face. “That’s not the most scandalous, but it’s…”
“Suspicious.” When she nodded, I continued. “The thought was intoxicating. Older woman. Flattering for a young guy competing with a shitload of idiots for a girl’s attention.” My beer was delivered, and I took a long pull. “Kandi seemed different. They all do at first. That might seem blunt, but it’s what I’ve experienced.”
“I can see why you thought the worst of me.”
I couldn’t bring myself to nod. Violet was nothing like them. I could see that now. “She treated me like I was more than a dumb kid. I guess for a guy who left home for that reason, it was intoxicating. Then she got pregnant. Results even said it was mine.” My lungs constricted at the memory.
Violet’s lips parted.
I cleared the thickness in my throat. “I was thrilled. My own family.”
“Especially after the way you left home,” she said, her voice soft.
“She pushed to get married, and I guess some part of me wasn’t thinking with my dick. I’d seen other buddies get married only to have their relationship go down in flames. Guys my age, paying alimony or child support. Thank fuck for my intuition. I kept telling her that after the baby was born, we’d elope. She’d get pissed, demand to know why I loved staying in the barracks more than with her, threaten to break up, and that just fueled my gut feeling more.” I let out a cynical laugh. “I guess my natural stubbornness saved me. I told my parents. My dad was…reserved. Mom was…excited.”
Understanding filled Violet’s face. My insistence to keep the baby quiet until I had irrefutable proof of paternity. No, it wasn’t her fault, but she was catching my shit for it.
“I started ring shopping. I did plan to propose as soon as the baby was born. She was at the mall that day. With a guy. She didn’t see me.” The residual anger was nothing but a dull echo. It was the bitterness that lingered strong. “So the next time we were together, I checked her phone.” Violet’s brows went up. “Yeah, I know I should haven’t snooped.”
“It’s a fine line when that’s the only way to get the truth.”
Yeah, I’d do it over again. Saved me a lot of heartache. “I saw all the texts between her and this guy. She was with him before me, but he was a broke fucker. No job. No benefits. I found the message to her best friend I never liked. Plans for how to fake results and how easy it was to fool me. Turned out she was two months further along than she told me. She got pregnant right before we met.” More resentful laughter left me. “I might’ve been stubborn, but I was still a fucking idiot.”
“That’s awful. You weren’t an idiot. Genuine paternity confusion happens, but she intentionally tricked you.”
“I know. She hasn’t been the only one to try to use me.”
Violet’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“Young soldiers away from home can be easy targets. We’re impulsive, inexperienced, and have too many hormones to know how to handle them. The stress piled on us isn’t traditional either. We aren’t worried about paying rent. Our basic needs are being met, but we’re still worried about survival. In the back of our minds, we’re aware that in one deployment, we could lose everything and everyone. But we don’t really talk about it like we should. Everyone acts like it’s normal, and what’s fucked up is that it is normal for the military. Yet how I handle it in my forties is vastly different than when I was in my twenties.” I thought first and reacted later.
“I never thought about it that way.” She dipped her head. “I’m sorry I brought everything back. I really didn’t expect that night to leave me with more than an idea of what I’d been missing out on.”
“And what is that?” I pushed my mug to the side, intent on her response and grateful to be done reliving my past.
A flush crept up her neck. She got a full-body blush when she climaxed too. It’d been my goal to dust her body with pink when I’d been fucking her. The way she let go had been addicting, and I’d gone without for months, only to be teased by her presence for almost two weeks.
“True passion,” she whispered and discreetly looked around. “Repeat orgasms. A guy who isn’t selfish in every aspect of his life.”
The last comment pulled me out of the moment. “In what aspects am I selfish?”
She ran a finger through the condensation on her water glass. “You’re self-protective. You had to deal with a lot with your family. Then that woman. You basically had a kid taken away.”
My chest twisted. Those months we’d been expecting had been some of the happiest of my life. I thought I had found something different. I had gone to the field, and Kandi had still been there, counting down the days to our baby.
The shock of being lied to never left me. For all my family’s faults, they were forthright and unapologetic. Kandi had been my first direct exposure to lying and cheating.
I’d wanted to be a dad. Sure, I’d been young, and if circumstances had been ideal, I would’ve waited. The devastation of having it all ripped away had poured a hard resin shell over my emotions.
Violet reached across the booth to put her hand on mine. She didn’t say anything, just offered her support. I let her warm touch sink in and unknot the tangle of my past.
That shell cracked, just a little. Violet was worming her way in, and she was doing so just by acting like she cared about me. Only time would tell if she was telling the truth. Or if she’d validate my suspicions, just like the others. And for once, I didn’t want to be right.