March #2
I felt uncomfortable reading your email, like I was there with you, watching all this drama unfold. My cheeks flamed in embarrassment thinking about those pallbearers, and ‘call me Tony’, whoever he is. The vicar I spoke to was called Mark.
I won’t comment on your husband being a mama’s boy. I’ve known a few of those in my time. I dare say I might be one of them. What boy doesn’t hold their mother in high esteem?
My mother is probably the best woman on the planet. However, I would never allow her to speak to my spouse with anything other than basic respect. The hope would be that my parents would love whoever I chose to settle down with, but if they don’t, I hope any interactions will be amicable.
The fact that Jerry not only allowed her to speak to you in a certain manner but actively encouraged it by complaining about and mocking you tells me what kind of man he is.
A mama’s boy, he is not. He’s just a prick.
I’m sure you’ve closed your browser now. Maybe even marked my email as spam. As well you should. After all, who am I, a stranger, to judge your husband so harshly?
But it is what it is, and I stick by what I said.
On to other business, I think. I’m already tired of talking about your husband.
You’ve really never been to a spa? Well, neither have I, so you’ll have to tell me all about it (hint: take the spa day, already!).
My staff are forever telling me to take a break and get a massage at the very least. Apparently, it’s very soothing for the body and mind. So maybe start there with the massage!
If you get to the end of this email and don’t find me to be an arrogant arse, feel free to email me again. It’s Monday, and my second in command is wearing his new Hermès suit, lined with extra pessimism.
Clearly, I need the distraction.
All the best,
Brian.
1 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: One more thing
Hey Brian!
Don’t worry, your last email hasn’t scared me off, and I’m not (entirely) offended by the contents. You’re definitely not the first person to have opinions about Jerry. My ex-boss loathes him.
Isla would absolutely agree with you that I deserve better.
However, the family is going through a rough time, I can offer them some grace while they pick up the pieces.
I don’t mind, honestly. It’s who I am as a person. I want to help people. Sometimes, at a detriment to myself, unfortunately.
Case in point: I am currently packing up Susan and Thomas’ house. Sat on a box labelled ‘donations only - do not loot’.
I wish I were joking. Susan’s family are vultures, and I am having to be very firm on what is and isn’t up for grabs (in line with her will, of course).
Thomas basically gave me free rein to do what needs to be done. He’s said his goodbyes, taken what he wants to keep. The rest he doesn’t care about. Stiff upper lip and all of that.
Honestly, I couldn’t imagine being this… okay if my spouse of fifty years had passed away, but we all grieve differently, of course.
Jerry has decided Thomas should come and live with us. He’s getting on a bit, and the house he shared with Susan is too big (and empty) just for him.
I wouldn’t mind, but he’s been sleeping in my bed for nearly three weeks. It wasn’t an issue for those first couple of nights. The spare room is a mess, and our sofa is perfectly comfortable. And the guy is in his seventies!
But a couple of nights turned into a week, and now I don’t know how to broach the subject. I tried to with Jerry, but he said his dad needed a ‘gentle approach’.
He doesn’t.
The man may be old, but he’s in great shape. I’m not downplaying the massive change that’s happened in his life, but he’s not the invalid Jerry wants to make him out to be.
I can almost hear your reply, by the way.
I need to put on my big girl pants and open my mouth to get Thomas out of my room.
You’re right, and I will.
Still, it’s in Thomas’ best interests. Fifty-three years ago, they tied the knot. Can you believe that? And that’s not counting the years he wooed her. It’s an entire lifetime with one person, and I’m not even sure how I’ve managed this first decade, haha.
Okay, that’s a lie.
It’s been a lot of hard work and honest effort from both of us. Might be hard to believe given everything I’ve told you so far, but I think we have a solid marriage!
Oh! You had questions about ‘call me Tony’.
He is called Mark; we have not got our wires crossed. Mark Antony.
Seriously. Not kidding.
So, how does he not get himself confused with a first-century politician and general? He insists you ‘call him Tony’.
Because that makes all the difference. Otherwise, you would absolutely think he’s the lover of Cleopatra.
You can’t make these things up, Brian. Weird people exist.
I think it’s time you tell me some things about you, it’s only fair.
After all, you know a fair chunk about me, and all I know about you is your name, the fact you’re the boss of something, and you’re a bit of a mama’s boy.
So.
Come on, nice and easy to start.
Where do you work? After the mention of a crisis and a second in command, I’m gonna guess you’re in PR.
Outside of work, what do you do? Any hobbies? For that matter, how old are you?
Am I speaking with a gentleman in his fifties who runs his own company with a firm but fair hand, who enjoys a spot of golf on the weekends?
Or are you a man-child genius, mid to late twenties, still clinging to those booze riddled evenings with the lads?
Are you married? In a relationship? Single? Do you have any kids or pets?
Tell me about your life, Brian. I’m curious.
Jesy.
1 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Nosey girl
Wow, you have a lot of questions.
You think I work in PR? Does that mean you think I am some business guru? Oh dear, you’re not picturing some high-flying executive that you’d see on GQ or some other such magazine, are you?
Sorry to burst that bubble, but I’m afraid not. I’m more like Clark Kent before he takes off his glasses and becomes Superman.
Nerdy to a fault.
Which is why I have two tabs open, one for this email and one for typing, so I can address every point and make sure I’m being thorough.
My evening with the lads is a couple of Jack and Cokes and a D&D campaign.
First of all, let’s get it out of the way.
What is my job? I own a very small company that develops mobile apps with a heavy focus on gaming. I design, code and create patents for useless little joypads. Basically, some really fucking nerdy stuff. The crisis I spoke of was a glitch in our latest game.
Unfortunately, because of a missed bug, purchases for in-game currency were completely free. People went nuts (understandably), and I lost a decent chunk of money.
What’s done is done, but the marketing team is now scrambling for ideas on how to make that money back. Some kid even asked if we could just charge the customers.
Can you imagine that ad campaign?
“We made a mistake: You can pay.”
I think not.
I can’t take the in-game currency back. I can’t make them pay more. So, I think I’m gonna have to take the hit. Sucks, but what can you do?
Let’s see, what other questions did you have?
Am I a ‘gentleman in his fifties who runs his own company with a firm but fair hand and enjoys a spot of golf on the weekends’?
Honestly, I cannot imagine anything more boring. I’m in my late twenties (by which I mean I’m twenty-nine and about eighteen months, but who is counting?), and I hate golf. Much to the disappointment of my father.
I am one of those lucky people who loves their job. My hobbies coincide with what we do in the office.
I made an app to help people track their comic book collections and give alerts for any rare editions being sold online.
And this was in my spare time! For fun!
So, to answer your question, I am not married, nor do I have any children. Can you imagine any woman committing to a man who made an app to track his collectables?
I am single.
Painfully so.
Although I do have a date later this week, so who knows? Things might change.
I think that’s enough about me for now.
So, your father-in-law is moving in? How delightful. Why have you given up your bed in your own home? Where is Jerry sleeping? Let me guess, he’s not only a mama’s boy, but a daddy’s boy too! Sleeping next to his pops while his wife suffers on the sofa?
I’m sorry. That’s extremely judgemental.
It’s just… It’s so frustrating to read about you breaking your back to please people who seemingly don’t give a damn.
I don’t blame your ex-boss for not liking Jerry. From everything you’ve told me, I understand why.
I’m sorry. Again.
I’ll end this here before you send a (deserved) virtual slap my way.
All the best,
Brian.
3 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Dear JudgementalTechGuy
You are an opinionated sod, aren’t you?
You’re lucky I’m not easily offended. But for our budding friendship to continue to flourish, you’ve got to stop insulting me!
I do understand where you’re coming from, though. Which is why I’m not giving you that virtual slap, tempting though it may be.
If you were telling me these things, God knows I’d have an opinion.
My best friend, Penny, tells me all the time that I have too many opinions on things that don’t concern me. We have that in common, apparently.
Right now, Jerry and his father have suffered a great loss, and it is my job to make their life easier. Do they take that for granted? Absolutely they do, and I’m not blind to it. But we do what we can for those we love. If you can’t rely on your family, who can you rely on?
Case in point: Jerry and his father don’t get along. When Susan was busy berating me over my failures as a wife, she was also neglecting her husband (and failing as a wife, go figure!). Thomas and I could have been comrades if he wasn’t a cantankerous old git.