March #3
Aye, I am currently not liking Jerry very much. You asked where he sleeps, and the answer is basically wherever he falls down. When you nurse a bottle of booze every day, where you sleep isn’t important as long as your bottle is waiting for you when you wake up.
I know Susan’s death has hit him hard. I mean, of course it has.
Losing a parent is one of the most devastating things that can happen.
So I was willing to give him a bit of grace, let him wallow and drown his feelings.
I thought we would be getting over that hill by now.
I’m not expecting him to stop grieving (do we ever?), but I did hope he would at least stop drinking.
Ah well. What can you do?
I’m curious about something, Brian.
Do you reply to people personally with tech support on your apps?
I’ve been thinking about how you ended up in my contacts, and given everything about your job, that’s the only thing I can think of.
I wish I had a way to confirm that, but I keep an incredibly tidy inbox, so if I did email you, it’s long gone.
Imagine that, though. I emailed you once, and now, some amount of time later, I’m spilling my guts to you. A perfect stranger. It’s quite liberating, actually.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know Jerry.
I can say whatever I want and vent any grievances, and you could walk past me in the street tomorrow and wouldn’t know it’s me.
You should try it! Have anything you want to vent about? Something been bothering you? I’m your girl, Brian, share with the group.
Speak soon?
Jesy.
Brian
I wrinkle my nose as I read the header of Jesy’s email again.
Dear Judgemental Tech Guy.
Yeah. Even when I was typing the words your husband is a prick, I knew I was pushing my luck.
Still, I cringe as I close my laptop lid without reading the rest of her email.
It’s been sitting there, unopened, for nearly two weeks. I decided it was time to end communication with her. I did my good deed; I let her have her free therapy. Beyond that, what would be the point of continuing?
Except, I find myself searching for her name every time I open my emails.
“G’night, Boss,” Max says, popping his head around my door.
I raise my hand in acknowledgement and nod.
He’s a good kid. Eager to impress. Usually, he doesn’t leave until I do, wanting to show his willingness.
He must have a date with Roxanne again. She works at a call centre on the first floor of our office building, and I have a feeling she’s gonna eat him alive.
But still. It’s nice, isn’t it?
Not that I remember what it’s like to go on a date. It’s been a minute, and even then, the last one was such a disaster, it put me off for a while.
I’m not cut out for modern dating. I had my parents as shining examples of what love and relationships should look like.
I’m kind of old school. But we live in a world where everything moves at the speed of light, and taking the time to get to know someone is a luxury most people don’t want to indulge in.
Divorce lawyers must be raking it in.
I sigh and push back from my seat, draining the last of my coffee, which is too cold to be pleasant.
Of course, I could learn to relax a little and go on a second date with one of these women I’ve written off. But that’s what leads to marriages like Jesy’s.
I cringe. Again.
I have got to stop doing that. But she is a prime example of what I don’t want for myself. She’s clearly a lovely woman, and she presents herself as charming and witty. And I would bet my entire company that she rushed into a marriage with a man she barely knew but convinced herself she did.
Still. It’s not my business, and there is every chance I’m wrong.
My grandparents were married quickly, and they’re still together now, a bazillion years later.
But they understand what most people don’t.
Relationships are hard work. They take time and effort, and you have to fall in love with your partner every single day.
We change too much over the years, and if you don’t grow together, you don’t grow at all.
You flounder.
But what does Mr Perpetually-Single know?
Dear Judgemental Tech Guy.
I’ve got to know what that email says. I’ve been avoiding it like the coward I am, pretending I don’t want to talk to her when I do. She was right. Talking to a stranger through a screen is liberating. Maybe not in the same way as it is for her. She’s definitely using our emails as a catharsis.
But for me? I’m just enjoying talking to someone.
Talking and connecting. It’s a basic social need, and when I saw the length of her first reply to me, I almost cried.
Okay, I didn’t. But I saw that same need inside her to talk to someone.
To have someone hear her. Even if that someone is a stranger.
Although it occurs to me now that I might not be as anonymous as I once thought. My name brings up my company with a quick Google search. And all my contact information is on there. Including a lovely “candid” photo of me that Darrell insisted humanised us.
Well. Fair’s fair, after all.
Perhaps I should google her, too. I’m already taking my seat again when I catch myself. Now that would be crossing a line.
No. This no communication thing has been working out for me.
What I need is a fucking pen pal.
28 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Soon-ish.
I kinda left you hanging there, huh?
I wish I had an exciting story to tell that would explain my absence.
Unfortunately, I had glandular fever.
You got me thinking, though, so I searched your name in my emails, and yes. We have spoken before via tech support. Back when the company was a fledgeling. Which begs the question.
Do you just add any old sod to your contacts? Is the last driver who dropped off your parcel number one on your speed dial?
Have you added Johnny from customer services as your next of kin?
I have a date tonight, wish me luck.
Brian (that guy you once got tech support from)
28 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Stranger Danger
Oh, Brian, you’re a funny man.
No, you arsehole. I do not add everyone to my contacts. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t added you.
I have a more important question.
Why do you still have emails from years ago?
Delete that shit.
Jesy
19 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Stranger Danger
Who has time for that? Do you know how many emails I get?
29 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Mr Popular
All the more reason to have a tidy inbox. How was your date?
29 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Mrs Leave-My-Inbox-Alone
Ended with a polite kiss on the cheek and an ‘I’ll call you’.
29 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: got no game?
Ouch. Better luck next time.
29 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: oh, I have game.
Yeah. Would you believe me if I said I wasn’t feeling it and am quite relieved?
29 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: oh, I have game.
Of course I’d believe you. I can’t imagine anyone not being enamoured by Clark Kent, uber nerd. And I know you can hold a conversation.
So, there’s no reason to believe you didn’t knock it out of the park.
But if you’re not feeling it, what else can you do? At least you’re putting yourself out there.
Next time, eh?
29 Mar | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Swing and a miss.
Yeah. Next time.
I think it’s probably a me problem. I’m too fussy when, really, I should be grateful for any attention.
29 Mar | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Swing and a miss
I disagree.
If you have standards you want your date to meet, it’s because you know what you want from your partner. I do think sometimes people are incredibly shallow, but you know what? It’s not my place to judge. They know what they want, what they won’t compromise on, and so do you.
I think we lose sight of that sometimes.
I remember being a little girl watching my grandparents dance at their anniversary party. Peter Gabriel’s The Book of Love played on a crackly old record player, and they swayed in each other’s arms, still disgustingly in love after forty years.
That song is, in my opinion, the most romantic song in existence because it rejects the idea of romance as a spectacle. It speaks about how, for the most part, relationships are boring. Mundane. But if you go through life with the right person, all those slow moments become treasured memories.
You can’t find the right person if you compromise on what it is you want and need from your partner.
So don’t compromise, Brian.
The rest of your life is too important.