July #2
You dumped me at the first opportunity when something better came along. I am disposable because the minute your attention shifted, I ceased to exist. And I’m not an unreasonable girl, Brian. But you’re telling me this entire month you couldn’t spare me ten minutes to catch up. Five?
What you have done is cruel.
You don’t talk to someone every single day, build a connection with them, make yourself reliable and available, only to abandon that when your priorities change.
Fuck you for doing that.
Fuck you for making me care only to show me how little you care.
Fuck you, Brian.
Fuck. You.
30 Jul | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Dear Brian, the Tech Guy
I deserve every one of those ‘fuck yous’ and probably a few more to boot. But I’d really like the chance to make it right again.
Don’t give up on me yet, Jesy.
Please?
30 Jul | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Explaining some things
Well, it’s now that time of night when you’d usually message me, so I think it’s safe to say you’re currently ignoring me.
Well.
Good. It gives me the freedom to get all my thoughts out on the (virtual) page without interruption.
First of all, yes. I have been a shitty friend. But before I get into all of that, I want to give you an update.
Rebecca and I are no longer dating.
And before you say anything, yeah. I know the timing of this is pretty suspect. It makes it look like I’ve come crawling back because my relationship has ended.
But my relationship has ended because I came crawling back.
I told Rebecca that we’d had a small falling out, and her reaction and response to that more than rubbed me up the wrong way.
Her first instinct was to tell me that it wasn’t a real friendship, and it ending didn’t matter because I had her now. As though you were insignificant.
And, yes, I realise the irony of that statement, because I have been doing the exact same thing. Acting like you are, in your words, disposable.
You’re not, by the way.
We’ve been speaking for around six months now.
And it’s only in the last two or three that we’ve truly grown close.
But we are close. You are important. Our friendship is real.
Maybe it’s because we talk to each other through a screen, free from distractions of the ‘real world’, but I think we talk better than I do with people I’ve known ten, fifteen years.
So, to reiterate that point, you are not disposable, and I really hated that this woman I was trying to get to know would think that way about one of my friends.
But I didn’t rush into a decision.
I sat with it for a day or two. And last night I invited her over for a chat. I’ll spare you all the details, but suffice it to say, I no longer wanted to continue on with my relationship based on that conversation.
I refused to immediately reach out to you with a bunch of apologies because that felt cheap. It felt like doing the very thing I was protesting against.
I was going to leave it for a few days, take a breather, think about what I wanted to say.
But then your email landed this morning, and I couldn’t just ignore it. So now, as one day turns into another, you’re getting all of my unfiltered thoughts, and I can only apologise for that.
I guess the most important thing to say is, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I took you for granted and made you doubt your importance to me.
I will endeavour to be a better friend going forward. If you afford me that chance to, anyway.
If it’s not been made abundantly clear by now, I am terrible at the dating game. And I’m not quite sure where I go wrong. But when this (seemingly) sweet woman gave me a bit of hope that I wasn’t going to die alone, I got tunnel vision.
You’ve been married eight years, right? So, you got married in your early twenties?
Did you date much before that?
I dunno. It’s not even about sex, believe it or not.
But I just want to find that person. The one I can talk to about anything.
With whom silences feel comfortable. Someone to help me with a crossword or jump on a stupid racing game with me.
Someone to do couples costumes with on Halloween and to decorate a Christmas tree with.
I want a partner. An equal. The missing piece of my soul.
And I know she’s out there.
You know what I think the best foundation for that kind of relationship is? Friendship.
So, when Rebecca reminded me a little of you with her quick wit, I thought I was onto a winner, and while trying to get to know her, I left you behind.
I suck.
But it won’t happen again. I will let everyone know that my closest friend is another woman, and if they cannot handle that, there’s no way forward for us.
I think it’s going to drain an already shallow dating pool, but it’s important to me that you do not feel like a threat and that anyone I date doesn’t become a threat to our friendship.
I’m not going to message you again. The ball is firmly in your court, and if you decide I’m not worth the trouble, I’ll be gutted, but I’ll accept your decision.
I am sorry, Jesy.
Your friend, Brian.