September #2
“Aye, we have. But you still don’t get it, which is why you’re still throwing shots at Brian.
What you did was not okay. I would never read your private correspondence.
We both deserve privacy when we want it.
Not because we have anything to hide. But because privacy is part of dignity, not a sign of guilt. ”
“Okay!” He roars, standing once again. “Okay, I get it! Forget I said anything. I don’t want a fucking baby anyway!”
He leaves the room without looking at me, slamming the door behind him. Had this been only a few days ago, maybe I’d have had a stronger reaction.
But then, a few days ago, he hadn’t drunkenly told me a baby would have been a great way to keep me in my place.
Though I suppose another bottle of whiskey has made him forget about that.
I glance back at the screen and bring up my email to Brian at the beginning of the month.
I’ve had some pretty dark thoughts the past few weeks.
And none quite as dark as the relief I felt when my body rejected the life growing inside me. Not because I’m heartless, or because a baby is unwanted.
But because the realisation hit me square in the face when that line showed up on the test.
I do not want that man’s children.
And that is a secret that will stay mine.
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN
Brian: Ms. Pattinson. How nice to see you.
Jesy: Isn’t it?
Jesy: Your timing is impeccable. Jerry has cracked open his second bottle of whiskey this week, and I have no desire to be around him.
Brian: Ah, marital bliss.
Brian: Forgive me. It is Wednesday?
Jesy: It is.
Brian: I see.
Brian: I suppose the miscarriage hit him hard.
Jesy: See, you’re sweet for giving him some grace, but no. I thought the same thing initially, and I was so upset with myself for driving him back to the drink.
Jesy: But I was cleaning, and I found dozens of hidden bottles around various spaces in the house.
Brian: They wouldn’t have been from his last binge?
Jesy: No.
Jesy: When his Ma died, he didn’t care about the impression people had of him. He was drinking 24/7, and he was unapologetic about it. He wouldn’t have hidden any bottles because there was nothing to hide.
Jesy: But I guess at some point it occurred to him that he had to go back to normality, and he got very, very good at hiding his drinking. The evidence is there, however. He’s functioning better, but he’s not drinking any less than he was.
Brian: Shit.
Brian: I’m really sorry, Jesy. That’s so rough.
Jesy: I know.
Jesy: But I am so tired of talking about the shitshow that is my life.
Jesy: What’s going on with you? Give me some good news.
Brian: I have a date tomorrow night.
Jesy: Fantastic!
Jesy: Nervous?
Brian: Not really. She’s very easy going, it’s all very casual.
Jesy: Oh! So it’s not a first date?
Brian: Third.
Jesy: Wow!
Jesy: I’ve missed a lot.
Jesy: Tell me about her.
Brian: Her name is Rachel. She’s a dental nurse, and she doesn’t like the muppets.
Jesy: I like her already.
Jesy: And we’re feeling her?
Brian: I don’t want to speak too soon, but yeah. It’s nice being around her. I feel like I can relax.
Brian: And she knows all about my friendship with you and asks about you often.
Jesy: Blimey.
Jesy: That must be nice.
Brian: Jerry still not a fan of me?
Jesy: Honestly, Brian, at this point, I’m not even sure he’s a fan of me.
18 Sep | From: Penny Robinson | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Girls Night?
Last time I broached this topic, it all went a bit tits up. But I am formally inviting you to a girl’s night with Isla, myself and Felicity.
William finally filed for divorce. I know we all saw it coming. All of us except Felicity apparently. So, I’m thinking copious amounts of vodka, an endless supply of musicals, and more junk food than we could eat in a week.
Honestly, hen. I’d love to see you.
What do you say?
Love you.
18 Sep | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Penny Robinson
Subject: RE: Girls Night?
Oh, poor Fi.
I’ll be there. Absolutely, I will. In fact, if you think you can spare the room, I could do with a wee break from the house. Want a roommate for the weekend?
26 Sep | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
So, you’re leaving me for the weekend, hm?
I hope you have fun, Jesy. Let your hair down and enjoy yourself. Drink too much. Eat too much. Feel rotten for days and swear you’ll never do it again.
Oh, to be young.
26 Sep | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Good Girls Gone Bad
I’m not leaving you. I don’t know what ancient technology you’re using these days, but I have this wonderful device that fits right in my pocket, which is just as good as a computer.
Said device will be coming with me, so we can keep in touch.
Also, ‘to be young’? Okay, Grandpa. Act your age and go get wild.
26 Sep | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Let’s get crazy.
That’s the problem with you young whipper snappers. You think us old folk don’t know how to get down. Well, let me enlighten you by telling you my big plans tonight.
First, I’ll arrive back from a hard day slaving away for… well. For myself. As I am the boss.
Then, I will order myself Chinese food as I have a real hankering for crispy chilli beef.
While I wait for the food to arrive, I’m going to enjoy the longest shower known to man, luxuriate in the power settings and wash all my cares away.
I shall don a pair of slippers, a fluffy, warm dressing gown, and then lounge in front of the television and watch reruns of either Scrubs or Only Fools and Horses. I’m not sure which yet.
The point is, I shall be warm and comfortable, entertained beyond belief and relaxed.
Hell, I might really get wild and have a hot chocolate instead of a cup of tea. But I’ll see how I feel. I don’t want to push myself too hard, of course.
It’s not just you who knows how to have fun.
26 Sep | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Whoa, Rockstar!
Move over Ozzy Osbourne, Brian is the new crazy in town. Hold on to your hat, cowboy, cos you are one bad decision away from being photographed barefoot on the street outside a kebab shop at 3am.
You’re wild!
How did I not know this side of you existed?
I’m not gonna lie, it’s making me look at you differently. I mean, this bad boy craziness… it kind of makes you sexy.
Slippers and hot chocolate?
Be still, my beating heart.
26 Sep | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Hardi har har
Fuck off, Jesy!
Jesy
“Jesy?”
Brian’s voice is low, and a little groggy. I’m fairly sure I’ve woken him, but I can’t worry about that now. Because his voice is in my ear, and my heart is hammering in my chest.
“Shush,” I warn him. “You’ll wake up the others.”
“You probably shouldn’t have called me on a messaging service where the default is loudspeaker.”
“Oh.”
I think for a moment, wondering how I could possibly rectify the situation. I want to talk to Brian, but I don’t want to wake my sleeping friends.
“Jesy? Would you like my number so you can call me properly?”
“Oh! I know. I should get your number, so I can call you properly!” I say happily, immediately covering my mouth as Isla stirs.
“What a fantastic idea,” Brian says, amusement in his tone. “Call me back in a second, okay?”
I nod and hang up the phone before realising he can’t see me. I shouldn’t have had the shots of Dead Man’s Fingers. I don’t even like rum.
I’m about to text Brian and tell him just that before a message pings from him.
Oh.
Oh, that’s right. I was calling him.
I take a breath and lift the phone to my ear as I step over the sleeping bodies and head to the balcony. The crisp early morning air steals the air from my lungs as Brian answers on the second ring.
“Ms. Pattinson, I assume?”
“No, this is Abigail from the bar.”
“Well, hello, Abigail from the bar. It’s been a while.”
I smile, biting the inside of my lip as I take a seat. I won’t pretend I haven’t imagined Brian’s voice before now, but it’s so much different from what I was expecting. Less David Beckham, more Richard Armitage. If good ol’ Rich had a strong Northern accent.
“You don’t sound like I imagined you to,” I say. “I like your voice.”
“Well, you’ve been firmly English in my head, even though I knew you lived in Scotland.”
“Are you disappointed?”
“No,” he says without hesitation. “Definitely not disappointed. You have a nice voice. The kind a man wants to hear when his body is just waking up.”
My stomach flips. He doesn’t mean… does he? “No sleepovers for us then. Wouldn’t want to tempt you, after all.”
“You’re crazy if you think proximity is what makes you tempting.”
I inhale sharply as chills race over my skin that has nothing to do with the cool air, and everything to do with the deep voice in my ear, so low it’s almost a growl.
“I heard that,” he teases.
“I wasn’t hiding it,” I reply.
Tension crackles down the line. I’m glad there’s all this distance between us because I didn’t expect this when I called him. And I can only imagine how much more palpable it would be in person.
I should end the call.
“Why did you call me, Jes?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. And it’s the truth. I didn’t have a plan to. In fact, I was happy maintaining our friendship exclusively through the screen. But then I had one shot too many, everyone else was asleep, and I knew I could rely on my friend to answer the phone.
My friend, Brian.
“I’m glad you called,” he says.
“So am I.” I look out over the view and force myself to remember that neither of us can afford to indulge in whatever this is.
“I should go,” I whisper.
“You should,” he agrees. “I don’t want you to. But you should.”
It’s like he’s reading my mind.
There’s silence for a long moment. Like neither of us wants to hang up. I try to lighten the mood.
“Are you going to be able to sleep? Now that you’re… awake?”
“Well, now I know what you sound like, I can take care of that little problem.”
“Little?”
“Behave, Jesy.”
I giggle. “Massive?”
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
“Now wouldn’t that be something,” I muse, ignoring the delicious clenching from the pit of my stomach. “Sweet dreams, Brian.”
“Goodnight, Jesy.”
You have received an instant message from:
FELICITY
Felicity: I am never drinking again.
Penny: Hear, hear!
Isla: I am never buying Dead Man’s Fingers again.
Penny: Hear, hear!
Jesy: I am never listening to Penny when she says, ‘hey, I have an idea.’
Penny: Hear, hear — hey!
Jesy: Ha.
Felicity: Stop typing so loud, I can hear you through the screen.
Jesy: Sorry.
Jesy: So, ladies, we’re all feeling our ages, right? Remember the days of our misguided youth when we could drink double the amount and wake up feeling fresh and beautiful?
Isla: What the fuck were you drinking that you woke up feeling beautiful? I don’t think I’ve ever woken up the next day, looked in the mirror and thought… yeah, I’d do me.
Isla: Maybe the night before while I was still drunk.
Felicity: These two were maniacs when they were kids. I remember studying for Uni and hearing them cackling along the shores of the loch with their bottle of Frosty Jacks they snaked from Mo’s place.
Penny: I beg your finest pardon. It wasn’t Mo’s place at that point, it was her Da’s. And more to the point, we didn’t snake the bottle. We got Scott Calder to buy it for us.
Isla: Ah. My future brother-in-law.
Isla: I’ve never been more proud.
Penny: Has Ewan proposed without you telling us?
Jesy: He doesn’t need to propose for us to know it’s going to happen. We’ve all heard the ring story.
Felicity: And we don’t need to hear it again. I’m more interested in Jesy’s story.
Jesy: Me?
Jesy: My story?
Jesy: What are you talking about?
Felicity: I woke to go to the loo and heard you giggling away on the balcony.
Jesy: Oh! That?
Jesy: I was just talking to Brian, that was nothing.
Isla: Ohh, on the phone? That’s new.
Jesy: It was nice.
Penny: Nice, or, you know. Nice?
Jesy: Ha. Behave. Obviously nothing weird happened.
Felicity: You really are just friends?
Jesy: Well, I’m married. He has a… Rachel. We’re just friends.
Felicity: That must be nice. Just being able to chat without wondering if he’s picturing you naked.
Penny: Or picturing her at all in this case.
Isla: But you know what he looks like?
Jesy: Yeah.
Isla: And?
Felicity: And?
Penny: And?
Jesy: And he’s a normal looking bloke with hair, and eyes, and a mouth.
Isla: C’mon Jes. Give us something. Is he nice to look at?
Jesy: Sure. Not that it matters. Because again. Just friends. I’m married.
Penny: We know that. You know that. But it doesn’t hurt to fantasise now and again. I mean, how many times have you had that dream about Roman Reigns?
Jesy: Oh, Roman. We could have been so happy together.
Isla: I wonder what Rachel thinks of your friendship.
Jesy: By all accounts she doesn’t care.
Jesy: She asks after me, apparently.
Isla: Well, how about that.
Penny: Fair play to her. My insecurities wouldn’t let me be okay with that.
Felicity: Nor me. I can’t stand the thought of William speaking to another woman in the middle of the night.
Isla: But luckily Rachel isn’t us. And if she’s comfortable, you shouldn’t doubt that.
Jesy: Yeah…
Jesy: But you make a fair point.
30 Sep | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Rachel
I feel like I owe you an apology.
Or more specifically, I owe Rachel an apology. I was speaking to the girls and they’re in agreement that Rachel is a saint for putting up with our friendship.
According to them, they couldn’t handle the idea of their partner talking to a female friend in the middle of the night. And they weren’t even privy to the full extent of our conversation that night.
I hope you know that above all I value our friendship and I don’t want to jeopardise that in any way. I know you know the light flirting here and there is nothing more than chemistry and banter. And I know there’s no way you didn’t tell Rachel about our call.
So, if I have stepped over the line, I will absolutely apologise to her.
And to you too.
We’re okay, right?
We’re good, Brian?