April Again #2
Jesy: Brian, I care about you so much. Like I said, I freaked out. And then I was embarrassed about freaking out and…
Jesy: And there’s no excuse.
Jesy: I am sorry. And I shouldn’t have done it.
Jesy: Brian?
Jesy: Brian are you there?
brIAN has left the conversation.
7 Apr | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: RE: Hey
I need some time, Jes. Sorry.
12 Apr | From: Brian Trainer | To: Darrell Griffin
Subject: Help.
I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.
Jesy finally got in touch with me. Her excuses are bullshit but they’re there. She’s angry with me for not telling her I moved.
She is angry at me.
I don’t know what to do. She sent me a message to say she’d wait for me to get in touch with her. That was five days ago.
Mate, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I want her and I don’t. But either way I can’t get her out of my fucking head. She’s like an itch I can’t scratch. Always there. Demanding attention.
I want to give her that attention. I want to pretend I’m not as hurt as I am. Pretend I’m cool and aloof.
She didn’t even know I’m in Detroit.
If I do start letting her back in, what does that mean? How am I supposed to start something up with her when we’re on opposite sides of the world?
I hate that she got in touch.
But I can’t imagine her not in my life.
This is messed up, man.
12 Apr | From: Darrell Griffin | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Help.
You know, that’s the longest message I’ve had out of you for a while. And despite it being a rambling mess, it’s nice that you don’t feel quite so robotic.
Clearly, she’s making you feel something.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here because I do agree that she did a shitty thing, but I also know that you’ve been going through the motions since. If I tell you to start something up with her, am I giving the impression she should be forgiven?
Because I don’t think it should be that easy.
What I do think is that your move to Detroit has given you the perfect base for rebuilding what you once had. If you were still in England, it would all be too easy for you to meet back up, get caught up in one another all over again and sweep everything under the rug without addressing it.
Instead, the distance forces you to confront everything that went wrong. And if she decides not to reply, which is her right, you’ll know that no matter how much you might like her, she’s not the one for you. Because she can’t meet you on a very basic level.
Communication.
I think we both know what you’re going to do, Brian. You’re not going to be able to turn her away. But you do get to decide if you want to do it smartly or not.
This is how you know without a doubt if Jesy is the girl for you. Because she’ll reveal her true colours as you navigate this mess.
And with a bit of distance, you’ve no risk of becoming colour blind.
You’ve got this, mate.
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN
Brian: You busy?
Jesy: Not really. I got time.
Jesy: What’s up?
Brian: I have to tell you something about the move.
Jesy: Okay…
Brian: Okay. First, do you remember me mentioning the tech genius from Detroit we were trying to woo?
Jesy: Yeah. Something about a patent, right?
Brian: That’s right.
Brian: Well, after a lot of back and forth and countless meetings, we came to an agreement. I wanted the patent. And Justin wanted legal rights to the first game I made so that he can create a sequel.
Jesy: Okay…
Brian: The easiest way to make it work was to merge. He keeps creative control, I handle the business side, and the studio absorbs his tech.
Jesy: Incredible. Where are you going with this?
Brian: As I said, Justin is based in Detroit. He’s happy there. And it’s pretty exciting for us to have an office in America. It makes perfect business sense and opens up a few doors for us.
Jesy: Did you move to Detroit, Brian?
Brian: Justin doesn’t have the skills to run an office. I’m helping him build that so he can head the US office.
Jesy: Did you move to Detroit?
Brian: Jes.
Jesy: Holy shit.
Jesy: You’re not in the UK right now?
Jesy: You’re not 100 miles away anymore. Not 200. Not even 500.
Brian: Jesy…
Jesy: You are fuck knows how many miles. Thousands? And at that distance does it even matter? May as well be millions. Billions!
Brian: C’mon.
Jesy: No! No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re not here. I can’t just jump in my car and drive two hours and be there with you.
Jesy: I don’t even know where Detroit is on the map!
Brian: To be fair, when did you ever just jump in your car to come and see me?
Brian: Nothing has changed.
Jesy: Everything has changed! Just having the option there was nice! Knowing you weren’t that far away was comforting!
Brian: I wanted to tell you when we were in Blackpool.
Brian: I was going to see if you wanted to come with me.
Jesy: Why would you tell me that now? So I can further regret my actions? God. Why are you in fucking Detroit?!
Brian: I don’t want to go around in circles about this again, Jes. I don’t want to keep laying blame at each other’s feet. The fact of the matter is, I am here.
Jesy: For how long? I mean, is this permanent?
Brian: It’s for six months at least. I have a year long work visa.
Jesy: Fuck.
Jesy: Fuck!
Brian: This doesn’t have to be the disaster you think it is.
Brian: I know you’re shocked, but I’ve thought about this and I think it’s a good thing.
Jesy: How could it possibly be a good thing?
Brian: Distance is exactly what we need.
Brian: I have feelings for you, Jesy. I think you know that, and I think you know how strong they are. You have feelings for me too. You don’t have to tell me, and despite it being easier to believe you don’t, I know your heart.
Brian: And I know we work.
Brian: Before Blackpool and during, it was made abundantly clear that you and I work. We fit together like puzzle pieces. I don’t want to throw that away.
Brian: But we have to do some major damage control.
Jesy: Major?
Brian: Major.
Brian: I think had I stayed in England, we’d have been too close. Less than two hours down the road from each other. No Jerry. No Rachel. No excuses to stay away from each other. And so we wouldn’t have.
Jesy: And that’s a bad thing for you?
Brian: It’s a bad thing for us. For our longevity.
Brian: We’d fall into each other, get wrapped up in the excitement and everything would move too fast with nothing solved and all our grievances swept under the rug.
Brian: A fast track to crashing and burning.
Brian: But this distance forces us to reset. To go slower and talk. Address our problems and figure out if this thing between us can become something meaningful and long-lasting.
Jesy: And that’s why you moved over there?
Brian: No.
Brian: I moved over here impulsively. I was only meant to stay a short while and fly back and forth. But I was angry. I gave up my flat and took the plunge, and the entire flight here I was thinking ‘fuck you, Jesy’.
Jesy: Ouch.
Brian: I wanted you to be on that flight with me.
Brian: I wanted you to fly out with me, feel out Detroit with me, and figure out what would work best for us going forward. It’s why I broke up with Rachel. I wanted to factor you into my decisions regarding Detroit and I didn’t want to factor her in.
Jesy: Fuck.
Jesy: You didn’t say anything.
Brian: I wanted to see how we’d work in person. I planned to talk to you about it after the spa. Lay all my cards out on the table, tell you everything I had been holding back and ask you to leave Jerry and come with me.
Jesy: Bold.
Brian: Necessary.
Jesy: I feel like shit.
Jesy: I can’t believe you’re not here.
Brian: I can’t believe you’re not here.
Jesy: So, does this mean a complete restart for us? A blank slate?
Brian: Not quite.
Brian: Too much has happened to start over. This is more like… A new chapter of an old book.
Jesy: A long and boring book?
Brian: Ah, Jesy.
Brian: That’s exactly the right book.
21 Apr | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: Your letter
You never told me what was in your letter. You said you’d sent one, right?
21 Apr | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: My letter
I’m not sure how much I want to share given our current reset. I think a lot of it is far too much for two people that have essentially gone back to being just friends.
21 Apr | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: RE: My letter
We’re not just friends, Jesy.
Too much has happened for that to be true. I don’t know what to define us as, so I’m not going to. But I’m not looking at you and seeing just my friend, Jesy.
What was in the letter?
21 Apr | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: My letter
It’s a funny ol’ thing, fate.
Imagine two people that never should have met. One, an unhappily married woman pretending that the dissociation she was feeling didn’t exist. The other an unlucky in love man with a big heart who decided to show a stranger some kindness.
You know the word serendipity, right, Brian?
It essentially means a happy accident. When a small little mistake changes something for the better.
The two of us were miles apart, unaware of each other’s existence, not knowing we were hurtling towards one another. Because it’s clear to me now that fate has plans for us, that the universe has decided our lives should be intertwined.
And the thought of that makes me incredibly excited.
I can’t wait to see where fate will guide us next and what hurdles we’ll have to face next.
But, despite all of that, I have realised that I have some growing up to do.
I’m not quite sure I know how to be in an adult relationship. Which sounds silly, I know. I’ve been married for eight years; I was in love with the same man for longer than that.
Except… that’s the problem.
I wasted my twenties on Jerry, and while my marriage taught me a lot about adulthood, it didn’t teach me much about relationships.