September Again #2
Jesy: I’m sad he all but killed himself.
Jesy: I feel weird that he’s no longer here.
Jesy: I’m mourning what we used to have.
Jesy: And I feel guilty about all of the above.
Isla: You shouldn’t. They’re all perfectly valid emotions to have, Jes.
Jesy: I guess.
Isla: Have you spoken to Brian?
Jesy: I’ve sent him a picture of the letter, but he’ll be asleep. Curse these time zones.
Isla: Ah, they’ll be a thing of the past in a couple of days.
Jesy: I really want to talk to him.
Isla: I know.
Isla: Why don’t you call him? He’d want to hear from you.
Jesy: I don’t want to wake him.
Isla: Would he want you to wake him?
Jesy: I guess so.
Isla: Then call him. You’re not going to be happy until you do.
Jesy: You’re right.
Jesy: Thanks, Isla.
Isla: Chin up, hen.
JESY has left the conversation
Isla: Goddammit, Jerry.
Jesy
“Hey, are you okay? What time is it?”
I don’t know want it is about Brian’s sleepy voice, or the immediate concern in his tone, but for the first time, I feel like it’s okay to cry.
“Jerry died,” I said, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
“Oh, baby. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“Not really,” I admit. “We were together a really long time.”
“I know, Jes. God, that’s awful news.”
I can hear him shifting on the bed and I picture him sitting up, ready to give me his full attention.
I can perfectly see his messy hair, the way he rubs the sleep from his eyes.
The blanket falls and gathers in his lap, leaving his chest bare.
My heart aches at the crystal-clear image, and I want nothing more than to be in that bed with him, taking comfort from him.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I whisper. “And because of that I just feel numb.”
“That makes sense,” Brian replies. “He was a huge part of your life. Even if it wasn’t all good at the end.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me.
“I keep thinking about when we were kids. I’d gone with him to his aunt’s funeral. And he made me promise I wouldn’t die first that I wouldn’t leave him.”
There’s a pause on the other end, the quiet hum of static. But I know it’s just Brian giving me space to talk. He’s not upset. He doesn’t feel any kind of way.
This is what security feels like.
“I made the promise, even though I knew it was ridiculous.”
“Because you loved him,” he says simply. “You’re allowed to grieve him. And the life you had together.”
Ah.
That’s the crux of it, isn’t it. I’m grieving something that never was. My own expectations of that marriage.
It’s not even about Jerry. But about the life I imagined between us. The girl I was. The future I imagined between us both. And I guess the man I thought he was.
“I don’t miss him,” I say slowly, thinking out loud. “I just… I don’t know. It feels strange knowing he’s gone, and that chapter has officially ended even though I didn’t get to close the book myself.”
“You wanted more closure?”
“I think I wanted to have the opportunity to properly apologise to him.”
“I think that your apology only would have served your own guilt, and for Jerry, it would have forced him to remember he lost you.”
I think about that for a moment.
“You really believe that?” I ask quietly.
“I do,” Brian says. “Jes, if you’d gone back to apologise, what would it have done for him?”
I swallow, wiping my eye on my shoulder. “I don’t know. Maybe… maybe it would have given him some kind of peace.”
“Or it would have forced him to relive the moment you told him you cheated.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I whisper. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
“I know,” he says softly. “But it did. And dragging it back up after everything… that wouldn’t have been closure for him. That would have been reopening a scar.”
He’s right.
If I’d stood in front of Jerry and apologised, what would I have said? That I was unhappy? That I felt invisible? That I’d fallen in love with someone else?
It wouldn’t have rewritten anything. It wouldn’t have softened my betrayal.
“I think I just didn’t want him to think I didn’t care,” I admit.
“You cared,” Brian says immediately. “You cared too much. You stayed longer than you should have because you cared. And the man didn’t deserve you. That doesn’t stop being true because he died.”
“I guess…”
“Baby, don’t beat yourself up. You can grieve the man you wanted without regretting escaping the man you had.”
Well shit.
Maybe that’s it.
Jerry’s death doesn’t make me wish I’d stayed. God, no. And it certainly doesn’t make me doubt where I am now. I just regret that it had to end the way it did. That I got my happily ever after while he found an early grave.
He wasn’t a bad man. Not really.
But he wasn’t a good man for me.
“Hey,” Brian’s voice is soft in my ear. “You don’t owe a dead man redemption.”
“You’re right,” I whisper, wiping a tear. Wrex whines, resting his head in my lap. “Thank you, Brian.”
“Of course.”
“I’m sorry for waking you.”
“I’d rather you woke me than suffered in silence.”
I smile at that, remembering what Isla had said. This is a man who loves me. This is a man who has shown me time and time again what it means to be a partnership. Who sacrifices for me, compromises with me, and faces our troubles side by side.
It’s time to say goodbye to the ghost of the man who came before him and stop looking back to the past.
I already choose forward.
10 Sep | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: Boarding!!
Goodbye, Detroit!
We’re due to board in fifteen minutes. Everything is ready to go. Justin is acting relatively normal.
I’m coming home, beautiful!
10 Sep | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Boarding!!
You’re coming home!
I am SO excited and I’ve got all this energy I don’t know what to do with. If you were here, we’d be naked. But you’re not. So, I’m forced to take Wrex on a bunch of walks.
He doesn’t mind so much. In fact, he thinks Christmas has come early.
I am clockwatching despite knowing you won’t be here for ages. I am checking your flight information even though it never changes.
Ah! I just can’t wait.
Maybe I should nap. Napping will make the time go faster.
10 Sep | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Boarding!!
Spoiler alert:
It did not.
You have received an instant message from:
ISLA:
Isla: You’ve passed the inn three times already. Calm yourself.
Jesy: I can’t. I’m far too impatient.
Jesy: I’m tempted to go camp out in Glasgow Airport.
Isla: You hate Glasgow.
Jesy: The only reason I’m still here.
Isla: How long left?
Jesy: He’s got an overnight in Amsterdam. So really, he’s not going to be here until the day after tomorrow.
Isla: Christ.
Isla: Come to the inn. Bring Wrex. I’m putting you to work to keep you busy.
Jesy: Yes, mum. Be right there.
JESY has left the conversation.
Isla: Time to find something for you to do.
11 Sep | From: Jesy Mason | To: Isla Lawson
Subject: Sorry!!
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
I have no idea what got into Wrex. He’s normally so calm. Clumsy as fuck, sure. But calm!
I can’t believe he went after that guest the way he did. I am mortified. Tell me how much I owe for the damage. I will, of course, pay.
11 Sep | From: Isla Lawson | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: RE: Sorry!!
You will do no such thing.
Wrex has saved me one hell of a headache.
After you left, he refused to calm down, so we called the police just to be safe. Turns out your oversized menace has an exceptional nose. The gentleman in question had a rather impressive stash of cannabis tucked away in his suitcase.
I’m not one to judge, and God knows you and I have had a couple of joints over the years. But not at the inn.
The silver lining is that he hadn’t actually checked in yet, so it was all very straightforward. David from the station was positively delighted. I believe he’s planning to bring Wrex the biggest bone he can find as thanks.
It’s the most excitement they’ve had for a while!
11 Sep | From: Jesy Mason | To: Isla Lawson
Subject: Sorry!!
Well, shit!
I wish I’d stuck around!
Who’d have thought it. Wrex the cannabis sniffer.
And now I can’t smoke around my dog. Although I can’t remember the last time I did smoke. Maybe, considering his crime fighting ways, this is a habit I keep in the past.
1 NEW SMS
Boarding now.
We’ll be reunited in less than 2 hours. Be at the gate for me.
I love you - Brian
Jesy
Brian’s hand rests on my thigh the entire drive back from Glasgow. The sun hangs high, the sky clear of clouds and bright. There’s nothing but Scottish beauty ahead of us as we leave the city and head further into the Highlands.
He’s home!
In the backseat, Justin presses his face to the window, his head straining to see everything our beautiful country has to offer.
I can barely hear him.
Instead, I’m thinking about what’s waiting for him. Who is waiting for him. Although I tried to rein them in, the village has gathered together to welcome him home, and I just hope whoever has hold of Wrex’s leash has a strong grip, cos that boy is going to run.
“Nervous?” I ask.
“Nervous about what?” He grins at me. “Baby, all I am is excited to get you alone.”
“About that…” I chuckle as we pass the sign, welcoming us to Meadowcraig.
“Holy shit.”
He leans forward in his seat as we crest the hill that overlooks Loch Venya. The late afternoon sun catches the water, turning it silver, while the looming figures of our mountains close in on us from both sides.
“This is home?”
“This is home,” I reply. “That building there is the Pear Tree Inn. That’s—”
“Where Isla works. I remember.”
I can’t help but smile. “This road we’re on is Della Road, named after—”
“The lady in your book,” Justin pipes up from the back seat. I feel a burst of pride and nod.
“And just over this bridge is…”
I pull onto the bridge, and even knowing this town like I do, I can’t help but gasp. Everyone is here. Fucking everyone. I spot my parents and Ross at the front, flanked by Isla and Penny who shoots longing glances to Graham a few rows back.
Fi and her kids stand a little way off to the side, along with a couple of teachers from her school. Ewan, Isla’s fiancé, tries to hold Wrex back as he pulls towards the car.
People I’ve known for years, faces I’ve grown up with since I was a kid.
“What is all this?” Brian asks, trying to take it all in.
“Your welcome home party,” I reply, abandoning the car on the bridge. There’s no way I’m getting through this crowd anyway.
“You see the cottage just up on the rise there?” I ask, pointing beyond the high street.
“That’s our place?” he asks as he joins me, his hand reaching for mine.
“That’s our place.”
He opens his mouth to reply before he’s knocked back into the car as Wrex barrels into him. “And this is our Wrex?”
I shout an apology to Ewan who rolls his arm, fingers still clasped around the ghost of a leash. “This is Wrex.”
Brian scratches him behind the ear before holding his face in his hands. “Aye, you’ll do, lad.”
“Aye?” I say, raising an eyebrow. “Trying to score points with the natives?”
“Oh, shut up, you minx. Take me to meet some people.”
I look behind me to find Justin staring ahead. I follow his gaze towards the local nurse, Briana. Interesting.
“Justin?” I prompt. “You coming?”
“What?” He forces his gaze to mine. “Huh?”
Very interesting.
“I said, are you coming?”
“Sure,” he replies. “Do I leave my shit in the car?”
“Absolutely,” I say, taking Brian’s hand. He squeezes my fingers once, grabbing Wrex’s lead.
“Ready?”
“Ready?”
Mum is the first to reach us, pulling Brian from my grasp and into a warm hug before he can even introduce himself.
“Aye, you’re a fine-looking boy,” she says. “We’re so happy to have you here, son.”
I can’t help as a lump forms in my throat, feeling my eyes well with tears. Brian pulls away from my mother, grinning from ear to ear until he notices my expression.
“Taking it all in, baby?” he asks.
I nod, not trusting myself to speak. But then, I don’t need to.
Because if anyone understands what it took to get here, it’s him.
He knows I chose him.
And he chose me right back.