Chapter 12 Brek
brEK
“Such a perfect little family,” Jalon says. He’s crouching in front of Voss, who has Axl in his arms. Beside him is Lorissa with a cloth. The way Jalon smiles at them makes my chest hurt.
I turn away and let my feet take me where they want to go. Axl is a little more than a week old now, and I’ve barely seen Voss. Not that I’m upset about that.
Okay, I am a little. But it’s not because I don’t understand or disagree with the reason. He has a newborn. That’s a really good reason to be completely preoccupied. He’s being a good dad and giving all his attention to his son.
As he should. More parents should take notes from Voss.
That doesn’t mean that his absence in my life isn’t felt. I feel…
I drop into the chair outside and sigh. Confused.
Again. It’s super frustrating because I anticipated this coming.
I knew my aromanticism was on the verge of being challenged.
In fact, I’ve already been reading a lot about it, and I think I get it.
I’m demiromantic. All those emotional attachments that I was sure didn’t actually affect my sexual desire affect my romantic feelings instead.
And even though I knew this was coming, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Mostly because I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I’m fucking jealous of Voss’ kid getting all his attention.
Hmm. No, that’s not it. I’m jealous because Jalon keeps calling them a perfect little family. Lorissa, Voss, and their newborn son. Somewhere in my chest, I just know that this changes everything. Whatever was going on between us doesn’t matter anymore because they share a kid.
They’re a family now. What am I but a confused asshole who doesn’t know shit about themselves? Everything I thought I knew is like clay. The shape keeps changing with the environment, and I never know what’s going to happen next.
It’s not like I blame him. Every kid deserves loving parents. Hell, I’d have given my right arm to have loving parents. Mine are assholes. I don’t want that for Axl. He deserves all the love. He deserves to be spoiled and cherished and happy.
“What’re you doing out here?” Levis asks.
He has his wakizashi in hand, so I imagine he’s heading to the field to practice. For a minute, I look at him, wondering if I’m attracted to him. Is it just Voss? That would be inconvenient, given the new family he has.
Looking at Levis, I know I’m not attracted to him. Not physically. Not romantically. He’s perfect. But maybe that’s the problem. He doesn’t have any flaws. I have all the ones he doesn’t. We’d be far too unbalanced.
“Nothing,” I answer and turn my attention toward the field again.
Levis sits in the seat beside me. “New baby woes?”
I look at him, confused. “What?”
He laughs. “It seems everyone is kind of obsessed with Axl right now. Just like they were with Emerson. There’s a lot of heightened emotion, and since Voss and Axl live in the big house with us, it’s hard to get away from. Unlike when Emerson was born, since they live separately.”
“Oh. I guess.”
“I didn’t guess right.”
“You don’t need to guess, Lev. I’m fine.”
“You’ve been really quiet lately, Brek. Shutting down on us and shutting us out.”
“Sorry.”
Levis grips my arm, and I look at him. “You don’t need to apologize. We’re just worried about you.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to apologize again, but I think we’re both tired of hearing that.
Maybe I should just get it all off my chest. Cry about all the feelings I’m now overwhelmed with that I was so sure I’d never feel, and how unfair it is because the man they’re directed at has a new family!
A perfect new family.
But I don’t. I shake my head and don’t say anything.
“Want to know a secret?” Levis asks.
I’m kind of expecting something like he tried a new cereal because Levis doesn’t have secrets. “Sure.”
“I’ve been seeing someone this week.”
My eyes widen. I shift in my seat to look at him. “How the hell… what?”
He chuckles. “Yep.”
“Someone who makes you excited?”
Levis’ smile climbs. “I don’t know. It’s been a week, but… yeah. There’s something strangely thrilling about it in the most unexpected way. I haven’t felt that before.”
“Not to get all Honey Bee on you, but tell me more. I want all the details.”
He laughs. “There’s not a lot to tell, really. We’ve been kissing, and it’s stupidly hot. Touching, which is also stupidly hot.”
“Someone you work with? Someone who works here? I need details!”
It occurs to me that Levis is likely just sharing this to take my mind off my problems. That’s okay, though. I’m going to let him distract me.
“Someone I work with,” he says. “I’m not telling you who, so don’t ask for anything identifiable.”
“Why is it a secret?”
“Because we’re just messing around.”
I look at him skeptically. “You’re telling me, you, Levis Li, who has never had a casual relationship in his entire life, is just messing around? You want me to believe that?”
Levis sighs. “Honestly? I don’t know. Yes?
This is unlike anything I’ve done before, Brek.
We’re not going on dates. We’re not holding hands or talking all day through texts.
We’re seriously just messing around. It’s physical.
I don’t know if there’s any emotion involved at all, nor do I think there will be. That’s just… well… unlikely.”
“Why?”
He shakes his head. His sword is laid out across the arms of his chair, and I watch as his finger absently follows the sharp side of the blade while he stares out at nothing.
“I don’t know. Just a feeling, I guess.”
“Is she nice to you? Or is it really just orgasms?”
Levis chuckles. “They’re nice to me. But that’s completely separate.”
“Wow, you’re making this so confusing.”
His smile is vague as he continues to stare at nothing in the distance. After a minute, he sighs. “Tell me your secret now.”
“Oh, you tried to trap me in a quid pro quo! Asshat.”
Levis chuckles.
“I don’t have anything to tell.”
“Liar.”
“What do you want me to say? I’d kind of been hanging out with Voss, but now he needs to take care of his family.” I shrug, turning forward in my seat again. I’m not the best at keeping my expression neutral on the best of days, but if he looks me in the eye, all my damn feelings are going to show.
“Brek—”
“It’s fine, Levis. He should take care of his family. Not that I think there’s even a remote chance that he’ll end up like my parents, but I don’t wish that on anyone. All his attention should be there.”
“Axl is new. Voss is a new father. Not only does he have a brand-new baby who needs attention around the clock, but Voss has no experience with a kid. No matter how much help he has, Axl is still his responsibility.”
“I know. I’m not upset.”
“Remember when Emerson was born? Remember how exhausted Briar was every single time we saw him? He loves Emmy more than anything in the damn world, but he also loves Noaz the same way. It took them months to find a rhythm. It’s only been nine days since Axl came into the world. Be patient with him, Brek.”
I chew the inside of my lip as I think about this.
Something in my chest really wants to grasp onto his words.
He’s right. I know he’s right. But this nagging voice in my head says Levis isn’t taking one big thing into consideration—Lorissa.
The Van Dorens are huge on family. There’s nothing more important to them.
Voss isn’t just going to toss Lorissa aside. Especially now that Axl is here.
A son they created together. The family that they just built.
“I might be pansexual,” I say abruptly to force us away from this conversation. I don’t like the twisting feeling in my gut.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I’m aro and ace and probably pan, too. I’m practically a damn rainbow all on my own.”
He chuckles. “How do you feel about that?”
“I mean, I am who I am, right?”
“Yes, but something made you come to this conclusion.”
Oof. I just shot myself in the foot because now I need to tell him that Voss suggested it, and I think he’s right.
“I’m aloof about gender,” I volunteer. “It didn’t occur to me to be bothered about Voss being a guy and… Oakley’s a guy and that didn’t even, like, I don’t know. I feel like even if I were bisexual, don’t they take gender into consideration? Maybe that’s the wrong word. I’m not making sense.”
“I think I know what you’re saying. You didn’t notice Oakley or Voss’ gender in the way people do. You’re aware that they’re guys, but when getting involved, it’s not something that you consciously think about. Am I close?”
“Yes. But I wasn’t involved with Oakley. That’s not an important distinction, but my brain needs to hear it.”
Levis smiles. “Got it.”
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “It feels like there’s a lot going on in my head, and I don’t know how to handle any of it.”
“That’s what’s been bothering you.”
“Yeah. Now you. Tell me about this girl.”
Levis shakes his head. “I guess… maybe I should clear up a misunderstanding.” I look at him. Levis meets my eye. “It’s not a girl I’m messing around with.”
“A guy?” I ask, surprised.
He nods. “Yeah. Makes it extra weird, right?”
Does it? Honestly, I can’t imagine him with a guy. I’ve always seen Levis with a petite, proper girl. Like homecoming queen or some shit. Someone sweet and perfect. That’s the girl he’s always brought home, so to speak.
What kind of guy would Levis be interested in?
“Not if you like him,” I answer.
“I like what we’re doing,” he says.
“Did you freak out?”
“No.”
“Not even when you touched his dick?”
One corner of his mouth quirks up in a lopsided smile. “Not even when I touched his dick. Not when he touched mine. I haven’t freaked out.”
“Do you want to? I won’t judge.”
He laughs. “No.”
“Are you excited about this new side of yourself?”
Levis tilts his head. “Uh… sure?”
“How do you feel?” I prompt.
“Well…” He turns away from me again, and once more, he’s staring at nothing in the distance as his finger resumes its absent path over the sharp side of his sword.
“I don’t know how I feel, but I’m pretty confident I don’t feel any particular way about him having a dick and me liking it.
If I feel some way, it’s not related to that. ”
“Do you feel some way?”
“I must because I volunteered to talk about it.”
“You don’t like to keep secrets,” I remind him. “You’ve always said that.”
He hums in agreement. A minute passes. “I guess I feel a little strange about the casualness. As you pointed out, that’s not what I do.
And yet, I don’t hate it. I don’t hate not having the pressure of expectations or wondering if he’s going to be jealous of Honey Bee or…
having to think about a future that may or may not exist for us. ”
“Now you need to worry about whether he’s going to be jealous of us guys,” I tease.
He grins, though he doesn’t look at me. “It’s weird not worrying about that stuff.
But it also takes the pressure off, and I can just enjoy it.
And yet, something in my head says I’m wasting my time if I’m not working toward a future with someone I’m in a relationship with.
The other side of that coin says I’m not in a relationship and therefore, this is a loophole. ”
“Your mind must look like nice, neat rows of file cabinets. I picture you doing one of those fancy kicks to shut the drawer that keeps trying to put you back into that box of finding a housewife.”
Levis laughs.
“I think you need to remind your brain that you’ve lived through a hundred disappointments, and maybe it’s time to enjoy a commitment-less relationship. We don’t even need to call it a relationship. It’s co-workers with benefits. Ohhh. It’s a benefit of working where you do. Like a PTO allotment.”
He laughs again, shaking his head. “A hundred disappointments, huh? Are you calling me a slut?”
“If the condom fits…”
He shoves me, and I grin.
“Thanks. I appreciate this talk. Even if you keep pushing it back to my thing so you don’t have to talk about yours,” he says.
“I’m that transparent, huh?”
“Oh, definitely. But that’s okay. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about everything, but I’m not going to push you to talk when you don’t want to.”
“It’s not a reflection on you,” I assure him. “It’s not a reflection on anyone, really.”
“I know that. We don’t take it that way. Do you know why we always try to get you to talk to us?”
I shake my head. “Because I turn into an asshole when I’m left with too many emotions all on my own?”
He grips my arm again. “No, Brek. Because your parents trained you that emotions are weak, and therefore, you keep them locked up tight.”
“They did?”
“They did.” He squeezes my arm. “Not verbally, but over the years, we’ve come to realize that’s what happened in the way they treated you.
How you dismissed anything that had emotions involved unless they were happy ones.
The way you disregard your own feelings until they’re so overwhelming that you lash out as a way of hiding them. ”
“Oh.” I’m not sure what to say now. I feel like an idiot. Maybe a broken idiot.
“We push you to talk to us because we want you to understand that whatever you’re feeling—not just the good but especially the bad—is fucking valid.
You have a right to feel that way, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man because you have feelings.
That’s why we always try to talk about feelings, even when it’s awkward as fuck. ”
I try to laugh because he’s trying to lighten the mood, but… he’s right. My father’s loud voice rings in my head: ‘Stop being a baby.’ My mom’s scowl echoes it: ‘Why are you acting like such a little girl?’
Good fucking lord, what kind of person have I become? No wonder I was so all over the place when Oakley started seeing Loren. I have all these expectations of me from my parents, and everything I was feeling at the time was in direct opposition.
“Fuck,” I mutter and close my eyes. “You’re a jerk.”
Levis laughs quietly. “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize you were completely unaware of it. I thought you knew on some level.”
“No. I feel stupid now because it’s so damn obvious that’s what’s making me so chaotic all the damn time. I thought I understood myself once I got the aroace thing explained. This is just… different. It has nothing to do with that.”
“And yet… it might. Do a little more reading. Your environment can certainly affect everything about you, including your relationships. Not that I want you to continue to feel in flux.”
I drop my head back and close my eyes. Actually, in a way, it feels as if a weight has been lifted. Sure, now I have all this damn emotional damage to contend with, but holy fuck, I understand where all the conflicting turmoil comes from now.