Chapter 18
brEK
I gotta be honest—I’ve met a lot of the Van Dorens, and this is probably the first time in two years that I’ve met mean ones. Which I think is saying a lot since this entire property becomes bursting at the seams with Van Dorens during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thanksgiving is next week, so already, there are some making their way here. We’ve mused that those who arrive really early are looking for prime bedrooms. Thanksgiving isn’t as crowded as Christmas, but it’s no deserted oasis either.
It’s been a week since the would-be dinner with the grandparents.
I’m not sure if someone sent out a call for solidarity, but the rest of Jalon’s brothers arrived two days after that dinner.
Uncle Auden is here, as is his son, Rhodes, with his pack of wolves and new boyfriend who’s made of fucking sunshine.
I’m already sitting by the lake when Honey Bee and Levis join me. I see Loren’s car pull up a minute later, and Oakley climbs out. Then Briar. Haze is the last to pull up a piece of grass.
We’re all facing the big house.
“Well?” Haze asks. “Developments? Insight?”
“Everyone was issued a formal apology,” Levis says. “Very formal. The grandparents signed out the conference room that’s diagonal from my office, and one by one, all the Van Dorens went in, were there for twenty minutes, and left. One by one means the triplets went together.”
I snort. Of course, they did.
“Have any of your Van Dorens mentioned what was discussed for twenty minutes?” Honey Bee asks.
Haze, Briar, Oakley, and I shake our heads.
“Noaz is weirdly tight-lipped about it,” Briar says.
“Oak?” I ask.
Oakley sighs. “I know why you think Loren would be the one to talk, but he is entirely indifferent on the subject of his grandparents, which I think speaks louder than anything he could actually say. He loves his family. His grandparents do not have the same loyalty.”
“Brek?” Levis asks. “Anything from Voss?”
“No. I haven’t asked, though. The only thing he said was if I were ever alone with Axl for whatever reason and either of his grandparents shows up, I’m to leave with his baby. No questions asked. I don’t have to speak or listen to whatever they have to say.”
“Are you ever alone with Axl?” Honey Bee asks.
I shake my head. “No. Which I think is in line with what Oakley noted about Loren. Far more telling than anything they could have repeated, right?”
“Speculation?” Honey Bee asks. “Who has a hypothesis? Haze, you find anything interesting while going through the Van Doren archives that could be useful?”
“No. Not more than what we learned at the not-dinner. Jalon’s parents left the estate when Noaz was three.
They left all four younger sons in Jalon’s care.
The only real note of the event is that they signed over everything to Jalon before leaving for a life of leisure and travel,” Haze answers.
“I’ve made a more concentrated effort to look at the activities of the Van Dorens in the late eighties and early nineties since last week.
” He shakes his head. “If there are skeletons hiding, they can’t be found in the archives. ”
“Is it just bitter blood?” Haze muses.
“You want to know something very strange?” Briar asks.
We nod. “Kairo was over last night for dinner. He spent an hour playing with Emerson before we ate, which we know is why he was there. But while we ate, he made a comment that alluded to something along the lines of hating how they treated Noaz. Specifically Noaz, which Noaz later commented on since Kairo was never a protector as a kid. He was always an instigator.”
“We saw a bit of that,” Levis says. “Seems like Loren anticipated it was coming, too. He not only blew out all our eardrums, but he brought a fucking knife to dinner.”
“Arguably, we were having meat. He might have needed the knife,” Honey Bee says.
We all stare at her, but she simply shrugs. Oakley isn’t bothered by the knife. I didn’t see it, having already left the room with Axl.
“We know that most bullying is learned. It stands to reason that Kairo was a dick to Noaz because their parents were,” Haze suggests. “As Lev pointed out, Loren was ready for it, which means he expected it. That wasn’t the first time he’s witnessed it.”
“Did you know that Daddy Jalon had custody of all his brothers?” Honey Bee asks. “I was under the impression it was just Noaz because of their close age with Myro.”
“I didn’t,” Briar says. “I knew about Noaz because they often went home with Jalon. I’m not even sure Noaz realized.”
“I have so many questions,” Honey Bee says with a huff.
“Unsurprisingly, the Van Dorens have a whole house full of secrets,” I muse. We stare at the big house in the distance.
“Speaking of secrets,” Oakley says, “when were you going to tell us about you and Voss?”
There’s a part of me that wants to deny it to get the attention off me, but I also kind of love our relationship, so I don’t hate the idea of telling them. “I don’t know.”
“It wasn’t long ago that something was bothering you concerning Voss,” Honey Bee reminds me.
I glance at Levis and we share a smile. Something that our friends don’t miss. “Okay. Fine. I’m graysexual, demiromantic, and pansexual. Voss and I have been dating for a while.” I shrug.
“Wow,” Oakley says. “That’s a lot of new information.”
“Yeah. It’s been fun coming to understand something new about myself yet again.” I frown.
“That’s why you were struggling,” Honey Bee says.
“Yeah. Also, we all know how completely accepting I am of change.”
Oakley snorts. I toss a handful of grass at him in response.
“Change being Axl’s birth?” Honey Bee asks.
“No. I guess maybe it wasn’t change so much as my insecurities. Not having to do with Axl.”
“Are you playing daddy?” Haze teases.
“No, I’m playing the boyfriend of a dad.”
My friends chuckle.
“You’re doing better now though, yeah?” Levis asks. “You look better.”
“Yes, thanks.”
“Okay, so let me see if I got this straight,” Honey Bee says. “Oakley has a husband. Briar has a spouse. Haze has a boyfriend. Breky has a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend… Hmm.”
All eyes turn to Levis. He rolls his eyes. “I don’t need a boyfriend just to fit in,” he muses.
“You could be the weirdo with a girlfriend,” Haze says.
“Or I can just be single.”
“That sounds weird, though,” Oakley says. “It’s still weird that you’re single. Levis Li always has a girlfriend.”
“Levis Li doesn’t want a girlfriend right now,” Levis says.
“All right, all right. Anything exciting we should know about?” Honey Bee asks. “No more harassing. Just asking.”
Levis shakes his head. His eyes meet mine briefly, and at that moment, I know the situationship he told me about a while ago is still going on. I smile and watch the big house.
“What about you, Honey Bee? When are the wedding bells?” Haze asks.
“Ew,” she says, glaring at Haze. “Stop. Don’t rush me.”
“Haven’t you been with Myro for like, two years?” Oakley asks.
“Ugh. I’m sorry I was harassing you, Lev. As it turns out, this isn’t fun,” Honey Bee says.
Levis snorts.
“What about you, Haze?” I ask. “What’s new with you and Imry? Wedding bells? Babies? Matching tattoos? Any exciting kinks you want to tell us about?”
My friends study me for a minute, and I shrug. Whatever.
“Uh… no. We haven’t talked about any life moments.” He chews his lip for a minute. I’m the only one really watching him, so I see when he glances in the direction of Imry’s house. “Did you know he had a really bad relationship before we met the Van Dorens?”
That has all our attention.
“What happened?” Honey Bee asks.
Haze shakes his head. “Nothing I feel comfortable repeating, but…” He pauses as he stares off in the distance.
“Sometimes I forget that the Van Dorens aren’t untouchable.
When we first started messing around, that’s how I viewed them, you know?
Like… all you see is this aloof persona that the world sees.
That’s what Imry was to me. Then I learned about the guy a few years before me, and I realized how incredibly human he is.
Last week, with their shitty grandparents, I again remembered how stupidly human they are.
A nasty family is my thing. I never thought the Van Dorens had that, too. ”
“I know what you mean,” Briar agrees. “Even knowing that Noaz was with Jalon for most of their childhood, a part of me always romanticized it, thinking that it kind of happened because of their close age with Myro.”
“Now we have a different view of the family,” Honey Bee says.
“We get a different view all the time since we’re exposed to them daily now. Slowly, we’re being let into their lives. All their private past moments. Their secrets,” Levis says. “Haze is right. They become a little more human all the time.”
“What happened with Imry’s ex?” I ask.
“We struggled a little in the beginning,” Haze says instead of answering my question.
“I had it in my head that I needed to figure out who I am now that I’m not under the watchful eye of my father and brothers.
I thought I needed to do that alone. Imry…
struggled with letting someone get close again and risking getting hurt. It was kind of messy for a bit there.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Briar asks.
Haze looks at me. His eyes remain locked with mine when he answers. “I think because we’re adults now and sometimes we feel like we need to figure our shit out on our own instead of burdening our friends with every little problem we have.”
I nod.
“We all have things we’re working through. We all have things from our past that might influence how we deal with the situations we’re in now—like Honey Bee’s sudden aversion to marriage,” Haze says.
Honey Bee sticks her tongue out.
“It kind of feels like we’re burdening each other when something that might seem small and insignificant comes up,” Haze says. “So we keep it to ourselves to work through. At least, that’s kind of what I was dealing with. It seemed so… stupid. Trivial.”
“I kind of hate that,” Levis says. “When did we become that?”
“It’s probably my fault,” I say, and immediately, all five of them begin arguing. “It is,” I interject. “The moment Oakley started seeing someone for real, I made our home hell. I became volatile, so you all stopped sharing.”
I can see it on their faces. Acknowledgement that maybe I’m right.
“Okay, well that ends now,” Briar says. “No one is a burden. Nothing that bothers you is trivial.”
I shrug. “For the record, I’m sorry.”
Levis scooches closer to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. I let myself lean into him.
“To be fair, we all knew your shitty home life was going to catch up with you,” Briar says. “I think we all knew that Haze’s would catch up with him, too. Maybe we thought we were ready to be there for you and support you in the way you needed, but we didn’t recognize when it was happening.”
“None of us are psychology majors,” Honey Bee points out.
“I’m good now,” I assure them. “I’m also sorry for all the shit I’ve put you through since Loren came into your life, Oakley.”
“It’s okay,” he says, smiling.
“It’s not.”
“Fine. Then I accept your apology.”
“That I’ll accept,” I agree.
“Are you good now?” Briar asks me.
I’m about to tell them not to worry about it, but I remember what we just agreed on.
I don’t want to say things out loud before I’m ready.
But I also don’t want to shut them out again.
“I am,” I say slowly. “But I still feel confused about… everything. I was so damn comfortable believing I finally knew myself. Being aroace made everything fall into place. Every weird facet that I grew up with, thinking I was just weird and different and unlike everyone else, it all made sense. Then Voss comes along and… I feel like I’m starting over again.
Asexual no longer applies when he fucking gets me hard. ”
“Brek—”
“No, not what I mean,” I assure Briar. “Not makes me hard. I manage that all on my own, which is why asexuality no longer applies in its most basic form like it once did. Same thing with being aromantic. It made everything I was feeling when Oakley started seeing Loren fall into place. I wasn’t attracted to him.
I wasn’t in love with him. But I was panicking because he was leaving more and more, and I clung to you all as the one constant in my life.
The one constant since I was a kid. The one place I was always loved, cared for, supported, and accepted as good enough. And Oakley was leaving.”
“I’m sorry,” Oakley says, and I’m pretty sure there are tears in his eyes.
I shake my head. “My point is, I thought I knew myself because once I found aroace, it all just felt…” My words trail off.
“Better. I understood what I was going through. It’s not like I don’t know my issues stem from childhood and the exceptional home life, but I understood.
Now it’s all irrelevant because Voss makes me feel. It’s gross.”
They laugh, but I can feel how heavy I made the conversation.
“Anyway, yeah. I’m good. Really. I have some answers that I’m kinda okay with, though they don’t feel quite so exactly me like aroace did, but I’m working on it.”
“And the pansexual thing? Is that a weight on you, too?” Haze asks.
“Interestingly, no,” I muse. “Voss says I’m aloof to gender.
This is probably why I’m indifferent to my orientation.
I’ve tried to examine my chaos to figure out if maybe that’s playing into something, but I can’t keep myself focused on that at all, which I think is answer enough, right?
I really don’t care about what’s in someone’s pants. ”
Briar nods.
“That how you felt?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “No. I wasn’t aloof. I was very aware of what was in Noaz’s pants. It was just… unimportant, and yet left me on unsteady ground because I didn’t know what to do with that… uh… on someone else.”
Honey Bee laughs. “Goober.”
“This feels better,” Oakley says. “Somehow, I feel like something was fixed even though we were never broken.”
I nearly apologize again, but I hold it in. Instead, I lean a little further into Levis and silently agree. It does feel good to have it out there. Now we can turn our attention to important shit. Like, what’s up with the Van Doren grandparents…