Chapter 14
There’s a massive part of me that would like to get going that very night, but it would be foolish. We need to be prepared: horses, food, and whatever maps Caz can find for us.
And then there’s the other issue.
The one that Jonas reminds me of when he comes back downstairs an hour later and finds me alone in my father’s study.
‘I was speaking to Kay,’ he tells me as he takes a seat.
‘Can you at least wait until after the ball to leave? Until King Korvane announces our marriage? It would mean the world to Kay to have you there for that, and we can use the opportunity to plant the seeds of your Etta pilgrimage. It’ll only delay you by a couple of days. ’
So now he’s an intermediary between my sister and me. Wonderful.
It irritates me that he thinks he needs to add in the pilgrimage as a sweetener, like Kay’s request alone isn’t enough. I entered the Retterheld for her, risked life and limb for her, so yeah, I can wait two days for her.
‘Fine,’ I tell him stiffly, though I hope Kay knows I’ll be doing it for her and her alone.
Just thinking about being in the same room as King Korvane is enough to make me feel nauseous, but hopefully Kyor will have the sense not to be there. Not at an event that will include the announcement of my family’s news.
I continue before he can burble on. ‘When I’m gone, you’re going to need to move William in here. I don’t care what you have to tell your father, as long as it’s not the truth. I need to know he’s safe.’
He nods. ‘That’s all I’ve ever wanted too, Rose. To keep him safe. Perhaps I went about it the wrong way, and I know technically he’s not my blood, but he is my brother. In all ways that matter.’
As much as I want to remain mad at him, I can hear the truth in his words, even without Benny or Caz there to confirm it for me.
‘You should head home,’ I tell him. ‘It’s late.’
‘Right …’ He bites down on his bottom lip, his gaze shifting to the floor. ‘The thing is, Kay and I are married.’
‘Yeah,’ I scoff. ‘I remember.’
‘Well’—he scratches at the back of his neck—‘it’d be strange if I was sleeping back at my father’s, don’t you think? Unless she was there too? So maybe it’s just—’
‘You are not having sex with my sister while I live here!’ I snap. A flurry of ice encircles the chandelier above him, causing the glass to crack and creak.
‘No, no!’ Jonas jumps from his seat and moves away from the light-fitting, his eyes warily darting upwards.
‘I thought I’d just sleep down in one of the reception rooms. Or in a spare room if Summer can make it up.
The pregnancy’s going to start showing soon, so I wanted to make it look like … you know …’
He’s right. Of course he is.
For this to be believable people need to think there’s actually a relationship between them.
So much for thinking there were more rooms in this place than we’d ever fill.
‘I’ll get Summer to make you up one of the guest bedrooms on the second floor,’ I tell him.
‘Thank you. And I can tell Kay that you’ll be here for the ball? Like I said, I think it’ll really mean a lot to her.’
I suppress a sigh. ‘We’ll leave after the ball,’ I confirm.
A slight smile flickers on his lips as he moves towards me, almost as if he’s going to hug me, but he steps back at my icy glare.
We’re not there. Not yet.
But maybe one day.
The next morning, I find I’m the last one down to the kitchen. Benny and Ruben are helping themselves to food while Kay is sitting next to Jonas. From the bright smile with which she greets me, it’s clear Jonas has conveyed the news about the ball.
‘Jonas and I have already spoken about it, and though I was going to go with periwinkle blue … I think you’d look really good in that colour,’ she adds as she looks at Jonas, then back to me. ‘But he prefers slightly darker colours, so we’ve made a compromise. More of a cornflower blue instead.’
It’s hard to hide my irritation, but I try. She is fussing over colours while I am fussing over illegal magic that could see William and me killed.
I dredge up a smile. ‘Cornflower blue. Lovely.’
‘It’s just the accents and things,’ Kay continues.
‘But we were thinking, perhaps you might wear something in a similar shade? You know, family colours? William could wear the same colour too, and it would be fine. People would just think it was because of his relationship to Jonas. No one would suspect it’s because of us. ’
‘Matching colours,’ I say faintly, trying to outwardly give a fuck.
This is an important day for her, and no matter my own woes, she deserves as much of my enthusiasm as I can muster, no matter how little that transpires to be.
I always hoped that one day I would be there to see my little sister get married. To watch her have the day of her dreams with the man she loved.
Now I’m feeling rather grateful to have missed the event.
‘Kay didn’t get the wedding ceremony that most people would have,’ Jonas says, seemingly reading my thoughts. ‘It only seems right that she should get the ball of her dreams. Don’t you agree, Rose?’
There is a hardness to his voice, and the way Jonas holds my gaze, fixed and unblinking, it’s almost as though he’s threatening me not to say anything to upset my sister’s good mood. Like he’s actually her genuine husband. I suppose, now, he is.
I nod my head dutifully. ‘I don’t know the difference between cornflower blue and periwinkle blue,’ I say, ‘but tell me what to wear and I’ll wear it. Just make sure there’s room for me to have my leathers underneath. We’ll be going straight from the ball.’
Three hours later, I’m regretting my choice of words, because while Benny, Caz, and Ruben are sorting things for the journey, I am standing in front of a mirror with a seamstress sticking pins in the fabric around me.
She’s shown me various fabric swatches, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is zero difference between cornflower blue and periwinkle blue, or if there is, my eyes aren’t skilled enough to see it.
Kay and I are now standing in dresses of identical colour.
They are, however, very, very different in style.
‘Do you think it’s too much?’ Kay asks as she spins in a circle. The blue hue of her dress is accented with silver beads that glimmer like snowflakes. The sleeves are wide, draping around the wrist, and there’s an array of flowers embroidered along the hem and under the seams.
‘Do you like it?’ I respond.
‘I think it’s marvellous.’ There’s so much awe in her voice, so much light in her eyes. She has honestly never looked more beautiful. And that’s saying something. Something in me softens.
‘Then it’s not too much,’ I reply with a smile. ‘Not at all. It’s absolutely perfect. You look incredible. Beautiful.’ And so like Mother it makes my heart hurt.
Her face beams as she gazes at her reflection for a moment longer before shifting her attention back to me.
‘I only wish I had Mother’s ring to go with it. It would match perfectly, don’t you think?’
‘It would,’ I agree sadly. It wasn’t Kay’s fault that she lost the ring during one of the trials, but I miss it all the same.
Still, we have plenty of Mother’s belongings now that we have the house back, and I’m sure if I looked, I’d find plenty of pieces of jewellery. But that was the one ring – other than her marriage bands – that she brought with her when she was stripped. The one item of jewellery she always wore.
‘And what about your dress?’ Kay asks. Hope hitches in her voice as she interrupts my musings. ‘Do you like yours, too? I wanted something to match the dress you wore at the Retterheld ball. They suited you so well.’
The sentiment goes deeper than she knows.
Llinos altered my Retterheld dresses for me.
They were all unique but with a signature style: the cut-out at the front and black leather shorts underneath.
Kay has kept those elements and paired them with a flowing black skirt and a loose, cornflower- or periwinkle-blue top.
It’s not something I would’ve picked out myself, but I have to admit the colours work really well.
‘I like it. I like it very much.’
‘You’re not just saying that?’
‘Trust me, I don’t think I could have picked better myself.’
It’s hardly a great compliment given my complete lack of personal style, but Kay beams.
‘Thank you,’ I say to the seamstress. ‘We’ll take these off now. Our maid will see they get to you.’
As the seamstress departs, I try, as casually as I can, to steer the conversation in a different direction.
‘I assume you still took the tonic this morning, but do you feel any different? Any hint of Etta’s magic returning?’
She shrugs as she works out the creases in her dress. ‘No, but that’s fine. Pregnancy can do strange things to magic.’
‘Still, maybe you should spend some time in the orangery. See if it sparks anything in you.’
‘How about right now we just focus on one thing,’ she says sharply before fixing a fraction-too-tight smile to her lips. ‘Our announcement. Do you know if Benny is back yet? I was hoping to make sure he’s dressed appropriately as well.’
I want to snort. Benny is a future duke. He surely knows how to dress better than Kay does.
Kay smiles and claps her hands. ‘Oh, it’ll be so fun.’
Fun? I wonder if she remembers the ball where the rebels showed up. Where Zelle fought and was killed and the king insisted we continue with the frivolities as if it were nothing.
Or whether she remembers the one where we lost Llinos. Where I handed my best friend a glass of wine intended for me and watched on as the love of her life wept at her side while Llin took her last breath.
Yeah, those parts of the balls are definitely not something I’d ever consider fun.
On top of that, there was the one where Zara humiliated me, and another where Kyor walked away from me. Forever.
Thinking about it like that, balls are possibly one of my least favourite things.
‘I think balls are more your thing than mine,’ I reply, expecting the comment to simply wash over Kay, the way it was intended. But instead, her face hardens.
‘I’m not vacuous, Rose,’ Kay snaps suddenly into the silence.
‘Sorry?’
‘I know the way you look at me sometimes. You think I’m just being blind, ignoring the negative.
But I’m not. I just don’t want it to define every part of me.
I don’t want the fact that my magic isn’t showing up to be a reason for me to constantly be down on my life.
Or for some bad things that have happened at balls to dictate the way I treat every single one in the future.
And I could’ve seen this pregnancy as a disaster – the worst thing that’s happened to me – but I chose not to.
Jonas is a good man, and this has given him a chance to repair the friendship he broke between you and him, a chance to do something good for this family.
And his being connected to us makes it easier for William to accept us.
And that feels worthwhile to me. I’m not vacuous.
I’m just trying to look forward. Trying to make a future for myself that includes happiness, not just fear and pain. ’
I pause, contemplating her words before I carefully reply. ‘I don’t think you’re vacuous, Kay.’
‘Don’t lie. I saw the half-suppressed eye roll when I mentioned the colour of the dresses.’
It’s hard not to respond to that one without outright lying, particularly as I still can’t see any difference in the colours. But I know that’s not the right thing to say, and so I draw a breath.
‘You’re right. I worry that you don’t seem to be concerned about your magic and that you and Jonas seem to be treating this marriage like it’s the real thing—’
‘It is!’ she spits back at me. ‘Marriages have been determined by much less than this. Plenty of people have married partners they’ve never met before.
And some of them fail, of course, but some of those marriages last, Rose.
Some even grow into love. Are you saying that I shouldn’t develop feelings for Jonas?
That you’d rather he and I were estranged our entire lives when he’s literally my only chance of love?
You understand that, right? Because if it’s not Jonas, then there’s no one for me. ’
I stand there, trying to think of a response to give, only to find I don’t have one.
She’s absolutely right.
Happiness is a choice you make, and I should respect her for choosing it this way. Gods know she has as much reason as anyone to see the darker side in her life right now.
‘You’re right,’ I admit softly. ‘I’m sorry.
You’re right.’ And then, because I know it’s what she needs, I brush a strand of hair behind her ear before taking her hand.
‘I’m sure I saw some of Mother’s other jewellery in a box the other day.
Why don’t we see if we can find something that matches the dresses? For both of us?’
She offers a tremulous smile. ‘I’d like that.’
‘Well, you only announce your marriage once, right?’