Chapter 5
KIERNAN
O f course, I had to share a cabin with Charlie.
Not that he would make me feel anything less than welcome. I knew that much.
Still, I was used to being on my own. I hadn’t shared a flat with anyone since I lived with my brother three years ago. And that was not something I wanted to repeat. I loved my twin, but he drove me nuts with his endless quest for neatness. I hoped Charlie wasn’t the same.
But really, that wasn’t the most worrying part.
It was the fact that I was so aware of Charlie now. The way he moved, the way he smelled, that fucking addictive smile of his. God, how I’d missed that smile.
Christ, maybe I’d be better off sleeping on the bench in the staff lounge.
When I finally drew up the courage to enter Charlie’s room, I barely acknowledged him, dropped my bag like a stone, and ran for the bathroom. Once I’d managed to squeeze myself into that cubbyhole they called a shower, I started to relax.
Until I thought about sleeping.
I had a hard enough time fitting most places, but a twin bed? There would only be room for half of me and thank God I had the bottom bunk. I could spread out on the floor if need be.
Then I thought about Charlie lying on top of me. Okay, not actually on top of me.
Over me.
That wasn’t any better…
Sleeping near me. So close, I could hear him, smell him.
Oh feck, it didn’t seem to matter how I said it, my mind starting to fill with dirty scenarios.
Did he sleep naked? Did he jerk off before bed? And why was that image the hottest fantasy that had ever popped into my head?
My cock hardened so fast, it was near painful.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Not on deck, not in the engine room, and not now.
Why was I fixated on those dimples of his, and that incredible arse?
God, his arse…
But it was more than that. It was the connection we’d made from the start. I more than liked the idea of being near Charlie and not in a ‘just friends’ way.
Charlie had ignited my bi-curiosity months ago and once that door had opened, I couldn’t shut it down.
But I also didn’t know what to do about it. And my timing couldn’t be worse.
Or maybe I was frustrated in general because I hadn’t had sex in, well, two years.
Feck, that’s a long time, even for me.
But I couldn’t be bothered, and especially not with my work schedule. Hookups were all I had time for, but I wasn’t into that. Maybe that was odd to most people, but I didn’t feel that immediate spark of lust. If I did have sex, it was with a woman I knew, someone I was friendly with first.
But even then, the fucking was lacking. The truth was, my sex life was far from satisfactory. Always had been. And I didn’t know if it meant something was wrong with me or what. It was another aspect of my life where I felt different from the norm.
Whatever normal was.
The handful of women I’d slept with expected something I couldn’t give them.
I guess looking like I did and fighting like I had, their assumptions were not surprising.
But the truth was, I preferred to let my partner lead.
But I didn’t know how to ask for that. Or maybe I was afraid of their reaction.
Either way, I didn’t say anything.
And, for the past twenty-four months, I hadn’t bothered with sex at all. I had better orgasms on my own.
But when I got back from Thailand, my anxiety and depression—which I’d battled since my teens—came roaring back. And I knew that I couldn’t go on denying that I was unhappy.
The only person I’d confided in was Korry.
He came out years ago, and it hadn’t been easy.
Our mum was supportive but the rest of our extended family?
Not so much. Korry told me that despite the loss of some relationships, he had no regrets.
Living his truth as a gay man was the best decision he’d ever made.
And when Charlie stopped texting, and I was left confused, I turned to my brother for advice.
Talking about all this with him, I recently realized that A, I was bisexual and B, probably demi and C, maybe pan.
I needed that emotional connection. And I started to wonder if it wasn’t the gender of the person, but the person I was attracted to.
That would certainly explain my reaction to Charlie.
I’d never been hard for a man before, but I couldn’t deny that’s what was happening.
Charlie was open about his queerness, and I envied him his confidence. And I wondered if I should talk to him about what I was feeling. Not about him, directly, but what I was going through.
That was the plan.
Until I exited the bathroom, and spotted Charlie falling out of his bunk. All my thoughts, except catching him, fell to the wayside.
I ran and reached him in time, as he rolled over and dropped into my arms.
“You seem to be having a balance problem tonight,” I declared as I stared down at his dark blue eyes.
Both of us were breathing hard.
He was naked, save for his tight black briefs. The feel of his warm skin against mine made me shiver and at the same time, made me want to hold him tighter.
“Two for two,” Charlie flushed and shook his head. “You can let me down now. I swear I’m okay.”
“Oh, sorry,” I gently placed him on his feet.
He quickly stepped back, and I heard the loud smack as his back hit the edge of the upper bunk.
“Ow,” Charlie muttered and rubbed his back. “Dammit.”
“Do tight spaces make you nervous?”
Charlie bit back a grin and my face flushed.
“Feck, that’s not what I… do I make you nervous?”
“You? Of course not,” He stared up at me and his eyes looked hurt. “Why would you ever think that?”
I shrugged. “You’ve been kinda jumpy ever since you saw me.”
“It’s been a rough few weeks. I’m out of sorts.”
I didn’t buy his explanation.
As if sensing my unease, he touched my forearm. I resisted the urge to place my other hand on top of his.
“Are you comfortable on board?” Charlie asked.
“Yeah, why?”
“Everyone around here likes you. Are you intimidating at first glance? To some people. But not to me. Never. And once people get to know you, they see how great you are. You’re kind and sweet. Even your grumpiness is endearing.”
Charlie’s unexpected compliment had me lighting up like the biggest and brightest Christmas tree. No one, outside of my fam, had ever spoken about me like that.
“Thanks, Char. I value our friendship.”
“I do too.”
Charlie sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his bicep bulging.
“But I’ve been such a dick.” Charlie sat down on my bunk and patted the mattress. “Sit, let’s talk.”
I sat beside him and felt the mattress depress way too much for my liking. The groan of the frame let me know that I wouldn’t be lasting long on it.
Both Charlie and I looked at each other and nervously chuckled.
“I don’t play games with people. You know that about me,” he stated, and I nodded.
“I admit, I was startled when I saw you tonight. I knew a bodyguard was coming on board and I hoped it would be you, but also, after I stopped texting you, I was embarrassed. I still feel like a total shit about what I did. And it was all me, or rather something I was dealing with. I needed some space to think. I wanted to reach out but?—”
Charlie paused and licked his lips again, a nervous tell.
“It’s okay.” I paused and looked in his eyes.
“I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to anyone myself.
To be honest, I’ve been unhappy for a long time, but I didn’t want to face it.
I’ve had depression for ages. Training helped in the beginning, but the more I fought, the worse I felt.
Not to mention, I don’t like talking about it.
And I think part of my struggle is that I’m still trying to figure out who I am.
After the trip to Thailand, I finally started to realize some things. ”
“Like what?”
“My personal life has been rubbish.”
“You mean, dating?”
“Yeah, well, my sex life. Or lack of.”
My face heated but I didn’t look away from him.
“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. If you want.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. Staring into his deep blues, I felt a calm wash over me. “I think I’m bisexual.”
Charlie sat still.
“Okay,” he finally replied. “Have you talked about this with anyone? I mean, besides me?”
“Only my brother. I… I have a hard time connecting with people. In general. And when it comes to sex, I have the same issue. It takes me a while to, you know, warm up. I gotta feel that pull first. I’m pretty sure I’m bi and demi, maybe pan?”
“Did you meet someone? Is that why you’re questioning things?”
I nodded, unsure if I should say anything more.
“Well, that’s great that you’re figuring out who you are and what you need to be happy.”
Charlie looked away, his voice barely a whisper. His suddenly stiff posture told me he thought it was anything but.
“But I don’t know if he—this person—feels the same,” I continued, willing him to look at me again.
“All you can do is talk to them. When you’re ready.”
“Um, I just did.”
The silent pause felt like forever.
“Kiernan, I?—”
“It’s okay.” I stood up and backed away. It took me two steps until my back hit the cabin door. “I don’t expect you to say anything. I shouldn’t have opened my big gob. Now I’ve made you uncomfortable. I fecked up.”
I turned and reached for the door handle until I realized I was still wearing the towel. And only a towel.
I stopped short but didn’t turn around.
“No, you haven’t,” Charlie blurted out. “You’re not the only one.
I’m… I’m attracted to you. That’s why I stopped texting.
I realized that I was flirting with you.
And I assumed from our conversations that you were straight and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, so I pulled back.
The thing is, though, I don’t do romantic relationships.
I keep things casual. I’m always up front about that. ”
The first person I really wanted, for what felt like the first time in my life, wanted me.
Only, not the same way.
I was starting to develop real feelings for Charlie. He wanted my body.
The pain of that realization hit harder than any physical blow I’d ever received.
“I’m gonna sleep in the lounge.”
I turned and bent over my bag, rummaging until I found my grey sweatpants. I pulled them on under my towel, threw the towel on the floor, and then grabbed my pillow and blanket.
“Kiernan, wait?—”
“Just for tonight,” I finally looked at him.
The buzz of awareness that now snapped between us was as shocking as our admissions.
“Just for tonight.”