Chapter 22 #3
‘It’s my happiest place in the whole world and losing these woods would feel like losing Mum all over again, and this time, for ever.
Even if Constance did sell and there was a possibility that I could come back and visit, it would be different.
I know it would. It would be changed even if it looked the same and I couldn’t bear that. I can’t lose that.’
I could empathise on every level. I had been trying not to ever since I had started to piece together the reason behind why James didn’t want to sell, but having heard him so heartbreakingly express it, I could no longer deny, either to him or myself, that I understood.
‘Given that not buying the woods is going to have such an impact on me,’ I said, as I stifled a sob, ‘you might not expect me to say this, James, but I completely understand.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I might not want to, and I might wish that I didn’t, but I do.’
‘Can you tell me why?’
I finished my glass of elderflower fizz and when I put it down, James refilled it.
I didn’t want to recall the sadness and pain but as he was being so honest and because I thought it might help him if I shared, I then explained why it was that I could understand his desire to keep Willowell Woods in the Clarke family.
‘A few months after Mum died,’ I told him as I picked my drink back up, ‘Dad decided that the best thing for all of us would be to move house. He thought that me and Zack and him would come to terms with what had happened so much sooner if we had a completely fresh start.’
‘Oh no,’ said James, and I smiled because he had understood instantly what came next.
‘Our family home sold in a flash and by the time Dad realised he’d made a mistake in tearing us all away from our memories, we were surrounded by packing boxes in a soulless new build, with no imprint of Mum to be seen, heard or felt.’
‘Oh crikey, Tilly.’ James sobbed and reached for my hand. ‘Then you really do know, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said croakily. ‘I do. When I sold that house after Dad died, I didn’t feel any sense of loss because even though we’d been there a long time, it still didn’t feel like home. I don’t think anywhere will ever feel like home again.’
Other than Willowell and now Fernside, but I didn’t verbalise that because I knew I was poised to lose both and couldn’t bear to consider how that was going to feel in this moment.
I might visit the village in the future, and even Constance, but it wasn’t going to feel the same as it did now and had in the past.
‘I’m sorry you lost that connection,’ James said sincerely.
‘I’m sorry about that, too,’ I said before squeezing his hand and then letting it go. ‘But having experienced that terrible trauma first-hand, it does now help me to understand why you aren’t willing to lose these woods.’
‘I appreciate that you’re generous enough to accept what I’ve explained,’ he said kindly. ‘I had a feeling that you would be, but what you went through as a child has really solidified your understanding of the situation, hasn’t it?’
‘It has,’ I confirmed. ‘But I do feel devastated that the only way for you to keep the woods is to earn a high enough salary by carrying on doing work that you hate.’
‘Hate is a strong word.’
‘You hate it, James.’
‘I hate eighty-five per cent of it,’ he corrected me. ‘The other fifteen per cent is great.’
‘I thought your boss was supposed to allow you twenty per cent pro bono time.’
‘He was, but not anymore.’ He sighed and shifted to give Buddy, who was asleep on his back and snoring like a trooper, a belly rub.
‘Is it going to be enough?’
‘If the eighty-five per cent means we can hang on to this place because we don’t need the money from selling it to keep Fernside afloat and my aunt in chocolate éclairs, then it’s totally worth it.’
My eyes filled with tears and before I could blink them away, one rolled down my cheek.
‘It’s no wonder I started to fall for you, is it?’ I sniffed. ‘It would be really helpful right now if I could hate you, James. Why do you have to be so damn kind?’
‘I’m that “one act of kindness every day”, guy. Remember?’ He smiled and leant over to brush the tear away.
That’s what he’d told me the day he’d rescued Mum’s hat.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I remember. How could I possibly forget?’
I couldn’t believe how much I wanted to kiss him. He had convinced me to relinquish my claim on Willowell Woods, and not by using clever barrister talk as Constance had warned me about, but by a truly heartfelt explanation, which I supposed was the reason why I still wanted to kiss him.
‘Now I’ve told you why I don’t want my aunt to sell, will you tell me what your plans were?’ he asked. ‘I’d really love it if between us we could come up with a way for you to set up somewhere else, Tilly.’
Having now thoroughly searched the area online, I knew there was nowhere else anywhere near Willowell that was even remotely suitable. In fact, I hadn’t found anywhere easily accessible for sale in the entire country which offered the same scope.
‘If it’s all right with you,’ I said, ‘I’m not really in the right frame of mind to get into it at the moment.’ James opened his mouth to no doubt coax me into sharing, but I was resolute. ‘Besides,’ I reminded him, ‘you have something far more pressing to get to grips with right now, don’t you?’
‘What’s that?’ He sounded disappointed, but I wasn’t going to back down.
‘Convincing your aunt that not selling up is the right thing to do, of course,’ I insisted. ‘When I last spoke to her, she was still adamant that it’s going to happen.’
‘Having spent the afternoon listening to her telling me exactly that, and that I must beg to get my old job back, I am aware,’ he said, rather sardonically.
‘You haven’t told her about the job offer?’
‘Of course I haven’t.’ He grimaced. ‘If she found out about that, she’d have an even stronger argument, wouldn’t she?’
‘That’s true,’ I said and bit my lip.
‘What am I going to do?’ he said and dropped his head into his hands.
‘Nothing,’ I shrugged.
‘Nothing?’
‘You don’t have to do anything, James. I’ll simply tell her that I’m no longer interested in buying the woods.’
‘You can’t do that!’ he gasped loudly, which woke Buddy up.
The dog stood up, had a big shake and a long stretch, then plodded over to me and put one paw in my lap.
‘Hey, Buddy,’ I sighed. ‘What do you think of my plan?’
‘Tilly,’ James said firmly, ‘I don’t want you to do that and not only because she’ll blame me for your decision, but because the pair of you will be bound to fall out.’
‘Rather me than you,’ I said, giving him a wobbly smile.
‘Please, don’t,’ James said. ‘Give me some time to come up with something that will save your relationship. I know she thinks the world of you.’
‘And I think the world of her,’ I sighed.
‘So, will you wait before you say anything?’
‘All right,’ I relented. ‘I’ll give you until lunchtime tomorrow but if you haven’t come up with something by then, I’m telling her.’
James didn’t look happy but accepted the tightly scheduled compromise.
‘It’s a shame tugging at her heartstrings hasn’t worked,’ he muttered. ‘Though I do know she believes that selling is the right thing to do for me. I haven’t lost sight of the fact that she’s trying to make my life better by letting this place go.’
There he went, being kind again.
‘You’re right,’ I agreed, as I looked out into the fading light. ‘She’s only thinking of what’s best for you.’
If only there was some way we could all get what was best for us.