Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
CAL - PRESENT
After telling Grayson I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know about the photographs Felix found, I went to bed. I’m not sure if that meant he told Felix and Lane or if he decided none of us got to know if I didn’t want to know.
Instead, I crawled into bed where I’ve now stared at the ceiling for at least two hours while questioning why I willingly put myself in this position. Cuddling Trav isn’t helping, even though he is dead to the world, enjoying his slumber.
Finally, I take a deep breath and get out of bed. Then I head into the living room where Grayson is snoozing away. Like what the fuck? Why am I the only one suffering here?
I walk over to him and glower down at him for a moment before picking up a cat toy and flinging it at his face.
It’s a little pom-pom, so it just tumbles off after making contact.
So I pick up another and throw it at his face too.
He twitches a bit and swats at it, and I have no idea why it gives me so much joy when I pick up another and throw it at his face as well.
Apparently, I’m not the only one aware this is going on since Clawdia leaps off the ground and onto his head to grab the toy. Grayson jerks awake while I fling another, not expecting any of this to happen as it hits him right in the eye.
He jolts back, sending the cat flying, and I’m left standing there as the culprit.
“You trying to blind me?” he mumbles.
“I thought about it,” I grumble.
“Would you let me apologize to you then?”
“I’d think about it, at the very least.”
“Alright, have at it.”
“I’m bored now. It was only fun when you weren’t expecting it. I’m going to the bathroom,” I mutter as I walk past him and into the bathroom. I’m not sure what I’m doing in here when I don’t even have to use the bathroom, but anything is better than letting Grayson know I wanted him to be awake.
And really, what did I even want him awake for? Just so I could chastise him for no reason?
I close my eyes and rub my head, feeling far too awake for two in the morning. Deciding that I’ll just go to my room and watch mindless internet videos until my brain melts and I finally feel tired, I leave the bathroom and find Grayson waiting in the hallway.
“Thought maybe you got lost in there,” he says.
“Thought about it.”
“Want to go for a walk?”
“With you?”
“You can tape my mouth shut if you want.”
I make sure he sees the way I grimace over the idea of doing anything with him. “It just… it just sounds so icky… unless… hmm… alright, let’s go.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I say as I walk toward the door. I cram my feet in my shoes then head outside while Trav bounds after us, thrilled about the walk as I make a pit stop in the shed and grab what I need.
“What do you have there?” Grayson asks.
I look around as if I’m not aware what’s in my hands. “Nothing. What do you have?”
He narrows his eyes, like it’ll help him see better. “I really feel like you have something.”
I feign looking this way and that before glancing at what I’m holding. “Oh, this ol’ thing?”
“Yes. The shovel… in your hands.”
“It’s just a shovel. Are you afraid of shovels?”
“How big of a hole are you going to make with that shovel?”
“I’m not going to be digging a hole, silly. You are,” I say.
The look he gives me makes me grin, which only concerns him more. “How deep do you want it?”
“Hmm… good question. How tall are you?”
“Six two.”
“Nice! That’s the exact same size as the hole I’m hoping to dig.”
“How deep?”
“I think they recommend six feet, but we might be okay with like two.”
“Will you just promise me that Traveler won’t have to watch when you put me down?” Grayson asks. “Shield his little eyes.”
“Sure. I’ll shield them,” I say as I begin walking. “So… are you still in the military?”
“No. I’ve served my time and couldn’t do more. I was done. I was very much done.”
I look at him in surprise. “I thought you weren’t going to leave? Weren’t you supposed to go overseas? You wanted to dedicate your life to being in the military.”
“I was.”
“What changed?”
“I found something else I’d rather dedicate my life to,” he says as he looks at me, but I refuse to take that as meaning he left for me.
“How long have you been out?”
“Four months now.”
“You didn’t even have enough time to get bored of your new normal life before infiltrating some drug operation,” I say, referring to whatever Ned has going on.
“That’s just a side hobby,” he jokes.
“Side hobbies are supposed to be like video games or reading.”
“Nah. I wanted a bit more spice.”
“What are you going to do with your life now?” I ask. “You know, once you’re tired of being a drug lord’s muscle.”
“I… don’t know yet. I told myself I’d give myself six months to figure that out.
And as the days have ticked by… I feel more and more unprepared to face the real world.
I’ve spent over half of my life serving.
I’m not even forty yet, but I still feel like…
I missed out on how to survive outside of it.
Do I go to college? Do I go into a field that I could use my specialties in?
Do I find myself a rich man to take care of me? ”
I grin at that one. “If you find someone, I call dibs.”
“Arthur seems pretty rich.”
I laugh. “It kind of sounds like I’d have to wait until he dies, and a man like him is too mean to die. He’ll be a hundred and ten and wanting to piss on his ex-wife’s grave… I have to assume by then he’ll have finally found a hitman willing to off her.”
“I like him. He seems like a nice guy.”
“He’s the kind of guy where he’s actually an asshole, but because he’s older you just let it slide,” I counter.
“I could see that. But he seems open-minded, despite how evil he is,” Grayson says. “He wanted you to bring me along for dinner.”
“I was so anxious about him finding out I was gay. I… didn’t have any family to talk to.
I only had my friends at school and… I don’t know.
I wasn’t used to being honest with anyone.
And then one day we’re at some shooting competition that he dragged me to because he wanted me to ‘Wipe that smirk off this guy’s face’ because of course he had some beef with some guy who always won the competition.
“But my eyes were on the guy’s grandson, and I remember Arthur looking over at me and going, ‘Your eyeballs are going to fall out of your head if you don’t stop trying to get his attention.
How about if you win this competition, I’ll get you a date with him.
’ I was so embarrassed and worried, but he couldn’t have given a single shit. ”
“Did you win it?” Grayson asks.
“I fucking demolished the competition and he got me a date with the guy. The guy was super boring, though, and really only sexy to look at… like you.”
Grayson laughs. “Man, these compliments just keep rolling in.”
I grin. “You’re welcome. I’ve left all traces of kindness behind and have resorted to being evil. I think it fits my image better.”
“Understandable. You’re a very handsome bad guy.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that,” I say as I head off into a field.
“Oh, this is really a thing. Like you weren’t joking. Do I get to say goodbye to my family first?”
“I don’t know if we have time for that. I was hoping to be back in bed by three.”
“Okay, maybe you can tell them for me. Uhhh… tell my mom that spaghetti isn’t actually my favorite food but I’m too afraid I’ll hurt her feelings to tell her myself.
As for my father, tell him that I know he cheats every time we play cards.
And then tell my sister that I’m the favorite even in death. ”
“Got it,” I confirm as we reach the tree line. There really aren’t many trees, only a scattering of four or five that the farmer had decided to let grow up in his field. I stick the shovel into the dirt and scoop out my first bit.
“Oh man, this is so much work,” I say as if one scoop is impossible to tackle alone.
“Here, I’ll do it,” Grayson offers before he takes over.
“Oh, how kind of you.” Grinning, I step back and lean against a tree while he digs a hole. I just watch and wait.
“I’m just going to dig a small hole. My hope is you can only bury my body so at least my head is free and maybe someone will notice me.”
“That’ll work,” I say as I watch Trav wander in the dark, sniffing the ground and looking for wildlife he can fuck with.
After several minutes, I take the shovel from Grayson and poke at the hole a bit with the shovel, then I set the shovel next to Grayson, like I’m trying to measure how deep we have to go for him to fit.
“Can you stand in it a little? Just want to make sure I’m on the right track,” I say.
He steps into the hole and looks at me. It’s only big enough for his feet and ends partway up his ankles.
I heave a heavy sigh. “This is going to take a while.”
“It is.”
“I’m an impatient man. Alright, get out. I guess you can hang around a little longer.”
“You’re so selfless.”
“You’re welcome.”
I sit down in front of the hole, and, looking uncertain, Grayson sits down in front of it as well. I pull a small coin out of my pocket and flick it toward him. He catches it and stares at it for a moment. “This is Tate’s?”
“Yeah. Lucky coin. He told me if he had it on him, he was always safe. His grandma declared it, so it must be true,” I say.
“I can’t hold on to it anymore. Every time I see it…
it just makes me feel sick. How long had the lies been going on?
Was it from the start? Was all of this orchestrated by Devon from the beginning?
That day Lt. Allen called me at college, telling me shit about how I was the best of the best and he couldn’t use anyone on active duty because they weren’t good enough… was it a lie from that day?”
“Yes. I didn’t know it either, though. I didn’t know until recently.”
“I should have known. I should have fucking known that the military wouldn’t…
pull me back in like that. But I was so desperate for something.
I never had a family until I joined, and when I left, I felt like I left my family.
I felt like I finally found people and then I left, so when they came calling, I ran back.
It’s so foolish now that I think about it. None of it makes sense.”
“All of us were na?ve, Cal. Not just you. Lt. Allen was my commanding officer. Why would I ever expect him to be lying to me about something?”
“So Lt. Allen really is involved. All that bullshit about him not knowing… he’s involved and that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”
Grayson is quiet as he gently sets the coin in the bottom of the hole. “Can you tell me what happened?”
“You going to listen for real this time?”
“You know I’ve begged again and again for you to tell me since then,” Grayson says.
“I just… I had Lt. Allen and Devon in my head, and they were… I’d known them for nearly twenty years, Cal, and the stuff about Devon setting it up so you…
” He takes a deep breath. “I just… I knew it couldn’t be true.
And I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. But I’m going to fix this.
I don’t need anything else. I just need you to know that I’m going to fix everything I can. ”
I nod slowly. “No… we’re going to fix this. I thought it ended with Devon… but now that I know it hasn’t… we’re going to fix this. I will put a bullet through that man’s head if it’s the last fucking thing I do… even if it destroys me.”