Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
CAL - PAST
“You look so good and hairy!” I say as I roll around on the floor with Traveler. He’s so happy that his tail is going as fast as it possibly can go. It’s been four months since Grayson got him, and he’s bloomed into the most loveable and happy dog ever.
I use every excuse I can to see him and pretend like the excuses have nothing to do with getting to see Grayson. He’s set to head across the country and there’s talk of him going overseas after that, which means that I don’t know how long it’ll be before I get to see him again.
“Your car’s not working again?” Grayson asks. “You should probably get a new one.”
“Probably. But then it’s like… I can hop on a bus when I absolutely need to, so I keep thinking that I want to save the money for a house or something.”
“Yeah? You want to settle down in this area?” Grayson asks.
“Maybe. What about you?”
“I don’t know where life is going to take me. The moment I feel like I get to settle down, they ship me off somewhere else.”
I smile at him, but I don’t feel overly happy about it. Instead, I find myself disappointed that even after all this time… all this hope… there’s nothing there but a longing that I can’t sate.
Grayson is watching me closely, and he might be pretending to watch the dog, but I want to believe his eyes are on me.
His phone beeps and he glances down at it. “Looks like Eddie got caught up in something. He’s not coming.”
“Okay… soooo Tate backed out and now Eddie? Are we the losers no one wants to be with?”
“You might be, but everyone wants to be with me,” he teases.
“Does this mean we still have to go to Eddie’s favorite restaurant that no one else likes?”
“You know he just goes there to flirt with that waitress, right? That poor woman has no idea about the tongue that’s coming for her.”
That makes me cackle. “He claims he only rams his tongue down men’s throats.”
“Ah right, right. It’s his special ‘I’m not gay but curious’ technique. How can one man be so damn obstinate? And like… who does that shit sober? And… why does it work? Why does he have so many friends? If I did that, I’d lose all my friends.”
“It’s definitely a skill only he has,” I decide. “What about a hike? We’ll grab something to eat, hike up to the outlook, and eat there.”
“I’m game. Trav, you wanna go for a walk?” he asks, and Traveler ditches me like yesterday’s news.
“I see where I rate.”
Grayson laughs as he reaches down to me, holding a hand out.
I wrap my fingers around his hand, really wishing I could hold on to it longer than the brief moment it takes him to pull me to my feet.
He helps me up and gives my hand the softest squeeze.
I’m left staring at my hand like it’s turned into a strange object that I’ve never seen before, horribly confused by what that squeeze means.
Trav is busy bouncing at the door while Grayson hurries over to grab the leash, so I follow along after them as my mind runs wild.
“You sure you’re good for tomorrow?”
“I am,” I confirm. “I’m just… hoping things don’t go bad like that one time.”
“I wish I could be there. Sounds like I’m not even going to be needed at this rate,” he says. “But… just please be careful.”
“I will be. And don’t act like you’re not needed. You definitely give me better instructions than Audrey does.”
“You just enjoy listening to me more.”
“That’s possible,” I say with a grin.
We head out to his car and chat on the way to a sub place.
When I go to pay, Grayson’s already paid for mine, and I’m left staring after him.
How can the man be so damn conflicting? He tells me one thing, but his actions tell me another.
And every time they do, they give me just enough hope to hold out and not turn away.
He drives to the trailhead and Trav is thrilled for a new adventure. Grayson hands his leash out to me and I eagerly take it.
“I… you know I love this dog,” he says.
“I’m well aware.”
“But I know you do too. You’re going to miss him.”
“I’m going to miss both of you. It’s really nice having someone to talk to,” I admit, trying not to think of how lonely I’m going to be when he leaves.
So much of my life, I just assumed that the loneliness that followed me was something that would never go away, but once I met Grayson…
I felt long- term happiness for the first time.
It was no longer fleeting bits of happiness that I could depend on.
“I was wondering if you’d watch him for a couple of weeks until I get settled in. Then I’ll come back and get him.”
“Yeah?” I ask as I look at the happy dog. I’m not sure what my landlord will say, but she likes me, and if I explain the circumstances, I think she’d go along with it.
“Only if you’d like.”
“I might not give him back.”
“I know. That’s my main worry,” he teases.
“We could let him pick which papa he wants to go with,” I jokingly suggest.
“How about you come visit him? What if I pay for you to bring him to me? I mean, it’d save me from having to fly here to get him.
Don’t you have a break soon? We’ll just do it during your break.
You could spend a couple of weeks with us.
The weather will be much nicer than it is here.
We could do all of that touristy nonsense when I have time off. ”
I immediately want to say yes. I want to tell him that I’ll pack my bags now and go wherever he wants to go.
But I’m getting my hopes up for no reason at all.
Just like the way my mother never wanted me, someone like Grayson isn’t going to want me either.
He’s just being nice because I’m doing him a favor.
“Uh… yeah, I can fly him to you. I don’t have to stay, though. I feel like it’d be a hassle for you.”
He glances over at me, so I slip ahead as we begin climbing some steps etched into the rocky path. “I wouldn’t have invited you if it was going to be a hassle. I really do think it’d be fun.”
Fun… right. Friends have fun.
“I really like you,” I blurt out. “So… I don’t think… it would be a good idea. I can bring Traveler. Then maybe I’ll stay in a hotel and we can go out for drinks or something before I go home.”
Grayson’s quiet, and the only sounds I can hear are our footsteps and the patter of Traveler’s paws.
Why the fuck did I have to open my mouth and ruin such a wonderful moment? Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?
“You should get Traveler some of those little mud booties so I can laugh at him flinging his paws around,” I say, and I don’t even know why that’s what comes out, but it’s all I have. I just need to say something stupid to get him off this and onto something else.
He’s grinning at the idea. “So… basically, you just want to laugh at him. Sounds a little evil, does it not?”
“Sounds very evil, but I’m here for it.”
“You hear that, Trav? He just wants to laugh at you.”
“Don’t judge me. I’m easily amused.”
“I’m not judging,” he says, and thankfully, we’ve moved away from what I said and onto something else that doesn’t matter at all and makes no sense. Because even though we’re grown-ass men, we can’t talk about our feelings.
We stop at the sign that tells us that the left is a strenuous climb up and the right is the best route for people who can’t do a straight up.
“Left or right?” I ask.
“Either way, I’ll beat you to the top,” he says.
“So this is now a competition?” I eye the vicious incline that’s made up of mostly steps.
“Sure is. How about we flip a coin? If you flip it and it lands on heads, you have to do the stairs; if it lands on tails, you get the slope.”
“Alright, alright. What does the winner get?”
“The winner gets… to tell the other person one thing they have to do, and the loser will do it,” he says.
I stare at him.
So does… this mean I get another kiss if I win? One that isn’t a drunk kiss? But… does it really count if I have to win that kiss? Or is he doing this so that I can ask for it?
Grayson hands me the coin, so I flip it and glower at the head looking up at me.
“Well… I mean, at least you get the scenic route,” he says as he grins at the straight-up path.
Yes, it’s scenic, but it’s also dubbed Stairway to Hell for a reason.
“Trav, do you want to go up the stairway or the leisurely fun route?” he asks.
The dog puts one foot on the stairs before changing his mind and galloping off to the right.
“You ready?” Grayson asks. “Should I give you a head start?”
“You’re enjoying this far too much.”
“Me?” He has the nerve to pretend to be shocked. “Never.”
“ Way too much.”
“Set.”
“Look at that grin. Have you ever grinned so hard in your life? Why do you love the misery of others so much?”
“Go!”
I take off at a run, taking the uneven steps two at a time.
“Looking good!” Grayson calls as he leisurely walks up his slope. “Damn… I think I’m already out of breath.”
I want to glower at him on his leisurely stroll but I’m positive if I look away, I’m going to fall on my face.
I’m doing pretty good for the first part of it, but by the time I hit the halfway point, I realize that whoever created these steps hated life.
Or maybe they hated their wife and were hoping she’d fall down them and roll to her demise.
At three-quarters of the way up I get a text from Grayson, who I can no longer see, that says, “Oh man, I’m a little out of breath. ”
My legs are burning. They’re considering what it’d be like to give up on me, and I’m questioning if I should just lie down right here and give up until someone finds me and carries me off the mountain. I mean… it has to be a mountain, right?
And just as I’m nearing the top, where Grayson stands looking down at me with a fucking grin on his face, I trip and smack down, barely catching myself.
I couldn’t have fallen down at any other point, nope…
I had to fall down while he was looking me in the eyes, here to see every second of the phenomenal smackdown.