Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
CAL - PRESENT
Grayson is silent as he stares at the hole between us.
“Anyway. So… it’s been a bit to deal with,” I whisper.
I don’t know if I’m just trying to play it off like it was nothing, just want him to pretend I think it was nothing so he moves on and I don’t have to talk about this anymore, or if I’m just wanting to rush past all of this so I can move on with my life.
But why is it so fucking hard to move on?
Why’s it so hard to breathe? To stand? To eat?
Why is drowning in alcohol so easy in comparison?
And why is staying away from it so damn hard?
Grayson holds his hand out to me, and I don’t even know what to do with it. I stare at it like I’ve never seen such a thing before. I want to take it, but I don’t know what will happen when I do. My stomach clenches unbelievably tight and my breath feels like it’s been pulled out of me.
I’ve never recounted the whole story to anyone before.
I remember calling Lt. Allen, telling him everything through sobs and gasps for breath.
He told me it’d be okay, to get on the plane and come home.
The plane I was brought home in carried Eddie’s, Tate’s, and Devon’s bodies.
And Audrey, who’d made it out to the vehicle alone and confused about where everyone had gone, sat beside me.
By the time I made it home, a whole different story had been tossed out there, nothing like the hell I’d been forced to live.
Lt. Allen informed me that what had happened had been a horrible tragedy, and every time I tried to explain what Devon had done, he shut me down.
He told me that to keep me safe from having to deal with the repercussions of what I’d done, he’d keep it silent that I’d killed an officer and was also the reason why Tate and Eddie had died.
Although I made sure he was aware that Devon had switched sides, he kept telling me that there was nothing we could do to prove it.
Lt. Allen claimed he wanted to protect me because right now, the only thing they could prove was that their deaths were on my hands.
I wanted to fight him on it, I wanted to tell anyone who would listen, but the realization that every time I did, no one believed me made me feel worse and worse about myself.
And then the small semblance of hope I still had was ripped away when he told me that Grayson had been transferred overseas and he’d gone without having an opportunity to see me.
It was like my entire world was crashing around me and there wasn’t a single person left in it who could help me.
I don’t realize I’m holding my trembling hand out until Grayson’s fingers wrap around it and he draws me over that hole in the ground and into his arms.
The way his arms wrap around me feels too tight.
It feels like I can’t breathe, but he pulls my head down to tuck it against his shoulder as a sob escapes me.
My fingers dig into the back of his shirt.
“I killed him… I killed Eddie… and I know that if I hadn’t taken that shot, Tate would still be alive.
They’d all still be alive. I killed them.
” I feel like I can barely breathe. My insides are being squeezed so tightly that I’m being crushed from the inside.
I’m clinging desperately to him, like a drowning man scrambling for one last chance at life.
“How could you possibly blame yourself, Cal? You were following the orders of a man you trusted who had never led you wrong. Why would you ever think that he’d lie to you? Every single one of us would have pulled that trigger, Cal, because we are taught to listen to our superiors.”
And even though his words ring true, it’s like they can’t penetrate this self-hatred I’ve built up inside of me.
“I hesitated. Something deep inside of me didn’t feel right when Devon told me to fire.
I should have trusted myself… I should never have pulled the trigger.
I killed him. I killed him, Grayson. Every night when I close my eyes I can see that bullet hitting, the way his body was snapped forward, the blood.
I can see it all. I made that shot. I pulled the trigger. ”
“You thought you were protecting your friends,” Grayson says, voice soft as he pulls me in tighter.
“I know this has shattered you. I know this has hurt you more than I can ever imagine. And then I hurt you. I… I let Lt. Allen fuck with my head. After that day you messaged me, telling me you’d killed Eddie, I tried to get in contact with you but you would never answer.
And I was told that you didn’t do it, that you were just blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control.
I should have gone to you the second I could have instead of being swept overseas where I couldn’t see how much you hurt, but you know I couldn’t just abandon my position, no matter how much I wanted to.
But I left the military as soon as I could, Cal.
I really did. By that point, though, I’d already shattered your trust more than I could ever repair it.
I couldn’t get through to you and then you were gone. ”
I’m shaking but his arms are wrapping around me in such a protective embrace.
“I hated you,” I whisper as sobs attack me.
“I hated you because I hated myself. I hated the fact that you weren’t there.
I was convinced you could have done something even though I know you couldn’t have.
I hated everything that reminded me of them and what I’d done, and that included you.
And I… I couldn’t handle it. It was like there was suddenly this wall I hid behind where I wanted to hate myself, wanted to drown myself.
That’s why I avoided your calls and avoided any chance for you to meet with me.
I avoided all contact with you. Because I wanted to hurt for what I’d done.
Felix finally cracked that wall… but I still hurt. I hurt so fucking bad, Grayson.”
“I wish I’d have been able to do that for you.
I didn’t know… I really didn’t know how much pain you were in.
They transferred me immediately and I went because that is what I was told to do.
I couldn’t just tell the military no. I couldn’t leave, no matter how much I wanted to.
I had absolutely no idea how much pain you were in.
No idea how much you’d gone through. And by the time I was finally able to listen to you… it was too late.”
I’m gripping him so tightly that I have to be hurting him, but I can’t let go. I feel like if I do, I’m not going to be able to get back up. “I needed you.”
“I know. And I wish I’d known that then.”
“I needed you so fucking badly. I needed you more than you’ll ever know. I had lost myself. I’d lost every part of myself, and I needed someone to tell me that it would get better because I really thought it never would.”
His arms squeeze tighter and it’s like the pain in my body lessens as I let him hold me up. “If you will let me, I will never let you go. I will never leave you. I will do everything I can to make up for what I did. Please, I’m begging you, don’t push me away.”
I tuck my head against his shoulder and close my eyes while I sob for the friends I lost. For the innocent lives taken because of my actions. For the families who’ll never see their loved ones again.
“It’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s going to be okay,” Grayson says, voice gentle as he kisses the side of my head. “I’m here. You’re not alone. You’re never going to be alone again.”
“I can’t do this alone. I’ve lived my whole life alone. I’ve never had someone to hug me, to tell me they love me. Besides a grumpy old man, I’ve had nothing. And I can’t keep doing that. I can’t handle it if you leave me.”
“I’m not leaving you. I promise that I’m here for you.
What I did is unforgiveable, but please don’t think I did it out of malice.
Don’t think I wanted to leave. I was blinded by the idea of following my superior.
I did what I was told and I asked no questions, as I’d done again and again ever since I was eighteen. But I’m here now.”
Desperately, I hold his eyes. “How can you forgive me? How can you even want to look at me after what I did? You and Eddie were so close.”
He pushes my head up and cups my cheeks.
“ You didn’t kill him. Devon did. Please, I know it doesn’t feel like that, but know that it was Devon who determined Eddie’s death.
Never you. Please, let that self-hatred go.
Please stop hurting yourself over this. I know it’s hard.
I know it might feel impossible, but Eddie and Tate would never want you to feel this way. ”
“Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to suffocate… I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe normally again until we get to the bottom of this. Until Lt. Allen pays for what he’s done,” I admit.
“You don’t need to involve yourself with it.
Let me handle it. He kept me away from you, sending me overseas despite his promises, drawing me as far from you as he could.
In retrospect, I realize he wanted to isolate you, to make sure you never told someone who would believe you so that it would never get out what really happened that day.
Despite not knowing his motives, I fought it, I promise you I did, Cal, but he did everything he could to keep me away from you.
But now, I’ll do everything I can to never let you go… if you will let me.”
I sit on his lap next to the hole in the ground, holding him so tightly that I’m not sure I’ll ever let go as I cry again for the family I lost. I don’t know how long I’ve yearned for someone’s touch like this—how long I’ve ached to be held and to be told that someone else will take care of me, that I don’t have to shoulder everything alone.
Felix and Lane have drawn me out of the darkness, but I need a love that they can’t give me.
“If you ever let me go again, I will never forgive you,” I whisper.
His thumb swipes away the tears. “I will do everything it takes to hold on tight.”
Grayson holds me close with one arm while he scoops the dirt into the hole, covering the coin, and he holds me close as we return to Felix and Lane’s with Traveler trailing after us.
And when I refuse to let him go, he heads into the bedroom with me.
He doesn’t kiss me or ask for anything more.
He just holds me as he whispers promises to never let me go.