15. Katie
15
KATIE
Benjamin hobbled over the red snowflake fleece blanket covering Katie’s legs and settled into a comfortable spot on her lap. On the other end of the couch, Rachel sat on the far cushion and lifted Katie’s feet to sit beneath them.
“Okay. Tell me this again,” Rachel said, taking a sip of her apple and cinnamon tea. “Slowly. Like I haven’t heard it before. And make it make sense this time.”
Katie had already explained what had happened earlier that evening. She’d rehashed the whole slow-motion realization she’d had about how a relationship between them could never work.
“I like her too much,” Katie said. “And I like her family too much. I can’t lose them or make things awkward with them for her.”
“Uh-huh. You said that.” Rachel frowned at her from across the couch. “Now tell me how that’s supposed to make sense.”
“If I tell her how I feel, it would just mess everything up. She doesn’t want to jump into a relationship, so I need to step back. At least until it doesn’t hurt so much to see her. I love everyone in that house too much to mess things up for any of us.”
“Okay, but why would being with her mess anything up?”
Katie scratched Benjamin’s head and avoided Rachel’s stare. “Because when we inevitably don’t work, I’ll have to stop hanging out around there. It’ll be like losing my second family.”
She was a little annoyed having to rehash this with Rachel, but the good thing about all the repetition was that she was beginning to fully buy her own logic.
Her head already believed.
But now she was getting her heart on board.
Rachel sighed, then blew across her mug to cool it off more. “You’re being dramatic. You know that, right?”
“I’m not being dramatic. I’m being logical.”
The one thing Katie knew for sure that Sydney understood was logic, but Sydney hadn’t understood that text. She’d messaged Katie asking what was wrong and what happened and a million other whats.
As an explanation, Katie didn’t respond.
Shitty move, she knew. But she really couldn’t do more justice to her decision than those five little words.
Sorry. I can’t do this.
There wasn’t any more to it, was there?
“Then tell me why you’re bailing on the thing that was making you happy. You’ve been happier this past week than I’ve seen you in years.”
“Because it wouldn’t last,” Katie said. “It can’t.”
“Who says?”
“She did.” Katie looked up from Benjamin to aim a pleading look at her cousin. “I can’t tie myself to someone who isn’t ready to love me back. Not fully. I need someone who’s going to be all in.”
“No one is going to fit all of your checkboxes, Katie.”
“I know that.” When Rachel frowned and raised her brow, Katie said, “I do. I get it now. But this isn’t about the checkboxes. I need someone who is ready for a relationship. And isn’t my best friend’s sister.”
Rachel scoffed. “You can’t be serious with that.”
“Not that exactly. I just… I like them. All of them. If this doesn’t work out, I don’t want to lose them. And I wouldn’t want to make Sydney uncomfortable. Ever. So it wouldn’t even be a choice. They’re her family, so I’d have to be the one to walk away.”
“Why do either of you have to lose anyone? Since when are you such a pessimist?”
“I’m being realistic.”
“Katie,” Rachel said in a serious tone. “You are the most optimistic person I know. What has happened to you this week?”
“Nothing. Sydney was clear that she wants time. That she wants to settle into her new life here and explore options. So I’m backing off.”
Rachel frowned and narrowed her gaze, puzzling her cousin out. Katie was used to it. They were always trying to read each other's minds ever since they were kids. Usually, it worked.
A moment later, Rachel’s eyes widened. “You’re in love with her!”
“What? No.”
Was that true?
“I mean, I knew you liked her,” Rachel continued. “But I didn’t realize you’d fallen in love with her in a week.”
“I’m not in love with her,” Katie said, trying to convince herself and Rachel. “I just like her too much to push her into something she isn’t ready for.”
And she wasn’t interested in getting more hurt in the long run than she already was.
That was the truth of it.
“Liar,” Rachel said. “I know you, and you love her.”
Katie took a deep breath. “Fine. I love her. Doesn’t change anything.”
“This changes everything!” Rachel adjusted her position on the couch, shifting beneath Katie’s feet to lean closer, much to Benjamin’s disapproval at being jostled in Katie’s lap. “Now we know what we’re really working with.”
Katie laughed. “And what’s that?”
“Well, for starters, you can’t give up on this. If you love her, making this work is worth fighting for.”
“I’m not fighting her .” Katie shook her head. “She’s made it clear what she wants and what she doesn’t want. I’m not going to try to change her mind.”
“Does she still feel that way? Maybe she’s changed what she wants, too. Maybe you could have the start to the new year that you’ve wanted so much.”
Katie let herself enjoy that possibility. But only for a moment.
“That’s up to her,” Katie said. “She’d have to tell me that herself. Until then, I’m backing off. For both of us.”
Rachel frowned again but seemed to give in. “Fine. But I’m still rooting for you two.”
Silently, Katie agreed.
* * *
Katie beamed with pride at the smaller otter standing on her hind legs clapping at the crowd as they clapped back at her. Rose had picked up this trick last week, and it turned out to be a perfect ending to her portion of the show.
Rose dove back into the pool while Mel waited on her rock for the next command. Katie gave her a wink, knowing Mel probably didn’t have any idea what that really meant. But Katie knew.
She was so proud of that otter. A week ago, she’d been hyping up the new year and telling Mel how great everything was going to be for both of them. But she’d given a lot of thought about that stance over the last twenty-four hours, and she’d come to a new truth.
Things were already pretty great.
Katie had a job she loved, with the best furry coworkers ever. She had a best friend she adored. And she couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.
So she decided to focus this upcoming year on what she had. Not what she didn’t have. Yet.
No matter how much walking away from Sydney had felt like ice shards flying into her heart.
But Katie was still certain she’d done the right thing. Sydney needed space to settle into her new life, so Katie was giving her that space.
Mel grabbed the water bottle and hobbled over to the “recycling bin” while Katie gave her last speech about being responsible and remembering to keep otters like Mel safe in the wild.
With Mel’s little goodbye wave, the crowd cheered and children giggled on the other side of the glass. Mel dove back into the water, then Katie tossed in a small ice block along with some loose shellfish.
The crowd dispersed, while Katie smiled at the few people who stuck around to watch the otters pick at treats poking out of the ice block. One little boy waved at her, which made Katie’s smile stretch wider. It wasn’t often she got attention from the onlookers.
Then her expression fell as her eyes widened.
Beside the little boy was a familiar set of green eyes staring back at her. The woman gave a tiny, hesitant wave, melting the ice shards that had been lodged in her heart.
There, on the other side of the glass, was Sydney.