Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Lucy opened the door before they’d even got close enough to knock. She glanced from Robert to Ellen. ‘Everything okay?’
Ellen still wasn’t sure that she could forgive her. ‘If you mean, has Robert told me the big secret, then yes, he has.’
Lucy looked relieved. ‘Good. Come in.’
In the sitting room, Charlotte was pacing up and down, her face pale and tight. Relief came off her in waves. ‘Oh, thank God. You found him. I was worried that…it doesn’t matter what I was worried about.’
Robert held out his arms and gave her a hug. ‘Did you think I was going to do something stupid?’
Ellen watched the two of them. Was the news that bad? ‘Robert has told me about his heart condition, but I don’t really understand.’
Charlotte’s face was sympathetic. ‘It’s a lot to take in at once. Shall we sit down?’
Lucy was tactful enough to make herself scarce, although she probably knew all of this already. Now that Ellen knew the truth, Lucy’s behaviour towards Robert – the attentiveness, the whispered conversations, the kindness – all made a lot more sense.
Due to the lovely weather, they hadn’t spent any time in the living room. With the same marble floor as the kitchen and a thick glass coffee table, it might’ve felt clinical, but the couches of soft white leather provided a welcome respite after their climb.
Charlotte leaned forward, her forearms on her knees, her eyes fixed on Ellen. ‘I know that you’re a biologist, so you already know that the aorta is a blood vessel that carries blood from your heart to all parts of your body.’
Right now, Ellen felt as if her brain were empty of all knowledge. ‘It’s been a long time since I studied this kind of biology. Please explain it to me as you would to anyone else.’
Charlotte nodded. ‘Okay. Well, an aortic aneurysm is a swelling or bulging at any point along the aorta. It usually happens because the wall of the aorta has become weak and has lost its elasticity, so it doesn’t return to its normal shape after the blood has passed through.’
With her brain still in shock, it was so difficult to take this in. ‘And this is obviously very serious.’
‘Yes. A thoracic aortic aneurysm can be extremely dangerous if there is an aortic dissection. That’s a tear between the layers of the aorta’s wall. If it’s not treated immediately, it’s life-threatening.’
Ellen turned to Robert. ‘How did we not know this? Why were there no symptoms?’
Charlotte continued, her voice gentle but clear. ‘Thoracic aortic aneurysms are often small and they can grow slowly. Most of the time there are no symptoms. Which is why Robert was so lucky that his was picked up in a routine health check.’
Lucky was not something she felt at the moment. ‘And what treatment can he have? Your boss, is he good? What does he recommend?’
‘Mr Grayson is a leader in this field. Even once an aneurysm has been found, it can be difficult for doctors to know how quickly it might grow. We’ve been checking Robert regularly with echocardiograms and CT scans, and the latest scans show a marked increase in the growth rate.
Mr Grayson is recommending surgery as soon as possible. ’
Surgery. On his heart. Ellen swallowed down her fear. ‘And what is the surgery?’
‘We would have to remove the section of the aorta where the aneurysm is and replace it with a new aorta made of synthetic material. A graft.’
Now came the most frightening question of all. ‘If he has the surgery, will he be okay?’
She paused longer than Ellen liked. ‘Most people recover well and return to their normal life.’
Most people? ‘Not everyone?’
Charlotte looked from Robert to Ellen. ‘All surgery carries risks.’
Ellen tightened her grip on Robert’s hand. ‘That’s the choice. Live with it not knowing when it could cause a fatal heart attack or have the operation with the risk that he might not make it through.’
Charlotte swallowed. ‘I’m afraid so. I’m sorry.’
In this capacity, detailing Robert’s prognosis, Charlotte seemed so much older and wiser than her twenty-five years. How had Ellen regarded her as silly and shallow enough to have an affair with a married man? Her face burned at the thought.
Beside her, Robert had been as silent as a rock, looking down at his hands. She turned to him. ‘And you’ve been carrying this information all on your own?’
Before he could answer, Charlotte stood. ‘I’m going to go and see if Mum wants to take a walk to the cheese place. Dad’s holed up in his office, so you’ll have the place to yourselves.’
Ellen managed a smile for her, this clever, sensitive girl. ‘Thank you. And I’m really sorry for before.’
Charlotte shook her head. ‘There’s no need to apologise. Really.’
After waiting for Charlotte to leave and close the door behind her with a gentle click, Ellen spoke to Robert again. ‘This must have been so hard for you.’
He nodded, still staring at his fingers as if it were all he could do to stave off tears. ‘It has been a lot. The not knowing has been hard. You can deal with problems if you know what they are, but the tests took a while.’
The lump in her throat was so sharp that it was painful to swallow. ‘And now? How are you feeling about what Charlotte just said?’
It was a stupid question, but they had to start the dialogue somewhere. She rested a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head towards her, eyes suspiciously bright with unshed tears. ‘To be honest, I’m pretty terrified.’
She was terrified, too. Unable to even contemplate the idea of losing him. ‘We will get you through this. We have to. For the girls. For us. We have to face this head on. The operation Charlotte mentioned?’
He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and sat up straighter in his seat. ‘You heard what she said. The problem with the operation is the risk that I might not come through it. I’m not ready to face that. I’m not ready to leave you, Ellen. To say goodbye to the girls.’
A sob escaped before she could cover her mouth with her hand. She wasn’t ready for that either. Would never be ready for that. ‘But if you don’t have the operation yet, then how long can you leave it?’
He held out his hands. ‘How long is a piece of string? No one knows. I could have an event at any time.’
It must’ve been like living with a hammer waiting to fall. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I still don’t understand.’
‘I couldn’t bear the idea of hurting you. Of making you feel as scared as I did. Once I told you, it would be real. I would see it in your eyes.’
It was as if time had stopped in that room. Before this moment and after it were two different countries. Yesterday she was worried he was going to leave her for another woman; today he might leave her for reasons she couldn’t even fight.
He reached over and placed his warm hand over her two clasped ones. ‘I’m sorry, Ellen. I’m sorry to do this to you.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who is sorry. For jumping to the insane conclusion that you were thinking about another woman when you were carrying all of this.’
His face, so familiar to her, was cast in a shadow that she couldn’t smooth away with a cool palm or a kind word. Age had softened his jaw and lined his brow, but his eyes were the same clear, kind, beautiful blue she had fallen in love with over two decades ago.
‘I haven’t handled it well. I know that I’ve been pulling away from you.
I’ve just never kept anything from you and I knew that I would confess everything if I was too close.
I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I even considered trying to make you want to leave me.
I thought that might be easier for you.’
‘How could that have been easier? I never want you to leave me. And I had noticed you being distant but I was scared, too. I worried that you didn’t love me any more.’
It sounded weak, childish, needy to put those feelings into words.
How envious she’d been of other couples on romantic nights out or husband’s surprising their wives with thoughtful gifts or trips to Paris.
Nights when Robert had been – she’d believed – away with work, when she’d laid in bed in a quiet house and wondered if this was what her future held.
‘I wish I had known that you were feeling like that. I’m so sorry. I’ve never kept a secret from you before, I swear. And I never will again. Let’s promise to be totally honest with each other, whatever happens.’
What was more painful? The ‘whatever happens’ or the promise to be honest when she knew that that was something she couldn’t – wouldn’t – ever be able to say back to him.
A gentle knock on the door preceded it opening to reveal Joe’s tentative smile. ‘I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I need to grab my phone. I left it on the table and I’m expecting a really important call or I would’ve left it.’
Robert was straight back into polite mode. ‘Of course. Don’t apologise, this is your house.’
Joe did an exaggerated tiptoe across the rug. ‘Please don’t tell Lucy or Charlotte. I was under strict instructions not to leave my office.’
His comedic grimace brought a much-needed momentary relief. Robert mimed zipping up his lips. ‘I promise to keep your secret.’
Secrets. From innocuous to life changing. Perhaps it was always going to come to this for her and Robert. A secret being their undoing. But if she deserved it, he most definitely did not.
Joe plucked his phone from the arm of the couch and made for the door. ‘You won’t hear another peep from me, I promise.’
As soon as the door clicked behind Joe, Robert reached out for Ellen’s hand again. ‘I’ll go and see my consultant as soon as I get home and find out more about the operation. Maybe you could come with me this time?’
She returned his squeeze of her hand. ‘Of course.’
He smiled. And then he clutched his heart and grimaced.
For a slice of second she thought he might be playing around, but his face turned grey. ‘Robert. What’s happening? Are you in pain?’
He slid down the sofa as he whispered. ‘Get Charlotte.’