Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
Ellen knew how stupid she sounded. How could she not know who was the father of her twenty-six-year-old daughter?
‘I know you probably won’t believe me, but I didn’t even consider that he could be her father when I first found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t until I went to the midwife and she got out that circular card thing to try and work out the conception date that the possibility even occurred to me.’
It did sound like a lie, but she’d been so consumed with whether or not she was even capable of going through with a pregnancy, then so relieved that Robert had been so great about it, that the dark night two months before hadn’t even figured in her calculations.
It wasn’t until she was sitting in the midwife’s room, answering questions about the date of her last period, that the dark shadow of possibility had crept over her.
Lucy looked dubious. ‘Come on, Ellen. I know you were pretty naive back then. But you weren’t stupid.’
She’d run this over in her mind so many times that even she no longer knew what was true.
Rather than a sequence of events, she just remembered the feelings.
Shock, fear, trepidation and then a tiny ray of hope.
Whether or not she had, deep down, wondered about the night with Ian, she couldn’t risk everything by revealing it to Robert.
‘I did think about telling him. Of course, I did. But I was terrified, Lucy. And it was easy to convince myself that the chance of me carrying Robert’s child was far far higher than the chance it was the result of one night with Ian.
I wasn’t even sure that we’d slept together.
I couldn’t remember anything about that night. ’
Something crossed Lucy’s face, but she said no more about it. She turned right into the entrance to the hospital and found a space almost immediately. ‘Another benefit of a private hospital. You can actually park your car.’
At the end of a manicured path, automatic doors swept open releasing the warmth of the entrance hall. They were almost at the reception desk when Ellen’s mobile rang. It was Abbie and she sounded strained. ‘Mum? Where are you? What’s going on?’
‘I’m at the hospital. Where are you? Is Grace not with you?’
‘Yes, she’s right here. We’re back at the house. How’s Dad? Is he okay?’
There was definitely something off in Abbie’s tone. A kind of breathlessness. ‘I haven’t seen him yet, but the doctor says the operation went well. I left you a voicemail on Grace’s phone. Dad’s out of surgery. Lucy brought me straight here and I said on my message to meet me at the hospital.’
The tinkling music being piped into the reception area was obviously intended to be calming, but Ellen was more than a little irritated. Weren’t they as worried as she’d been about Robert? In which case, why weren’t they listening out for her call?
There was a silence and a muttering at the other end of the line. ‘Ah, yes. Er…Grace’s phone isn’t working.’
That was clearly a lie. ‘What are you talking about?’
More muttering. ‘She broke it.’
There was something strange going on here. ‘What do you mean she broke it? How?’
‘She lost her temper at something and she threw it but it doesn’t matter. We’re leaving now. We’ll meet you at the hospital.’
And she hung up.
Ellen was already on high alert worrying about Robert.
Add in the conversation with Lucy in the car and the mystery of why her eldest daughter had been so upset that she’d thrown her phone hard enough to break it and she might lose it altogether.
At least some of this must have shown on her face because Lucy touched her elbow. ‘Is everything okay with the girls?’
‘I have no idea. I mean, they’re fine but something has clearly happened.’
‘Are they coming?’
‘Yes. At least I hope so.’
Lucy was in organisational mode. ‘You go and see Robert. I’ll wait here in Reception for them and let them know where you are.’
For all her reservations, Ellen was pleased that Lucy was here. Still, she felt uneasy knowing that Lucy now had a lot of knowledge about her. ‘Our conversation…about what happened.’
Lucy fixed her with an honest stare. ‘It’s not my place to say anything to anyone.’
It was a temporary fix, but it would have to do for now. ‘Thank you. Could you text me as soon as the girls arrive?’
‘Of course.’
Having already been to Robert’s room, the receptionist let her straight through. But when she pushed open the door, he wasn’t there. She stuck her head out of the corridor and caught the eye of a young nurse. ‘Hello. I’m here to visit Robert Cooper. He’s supposed to be back from recovery by now.’
The nurse smiled. She looked barely older than Abbie. ‘I’ll just find out for you.’
Ellen sat on the plastic chair by the side of Robert’s bed, legs crossed, marking out the seconds the nurse was gone by tapping her foot in mid-air.
Until she saw him herself, it was impossible to settle.
It would be such a relief to see his handsome face.
They’d been apart for only a few hours yet it’d felt like a lifetime.
Having come this close to losing him, she would never ever take him for granted again.
When the door clicked closed, the room was so silent that all she could hear was the buzzing in her ears and Lucy’s voice in her head.
Have you never told him? In all the years you’ve been married?
She’d never lied to Robert about anything else in their marriage.
But what relevance was that when she’d kept this gigantic secret for so long?
When they were in Spain, it’d been him she’d doubted.
His honesty. His loyalty. What a hypocrite she’d been.
There was a soft knock on the door before it was pushed gently open. But it wasn’t the nurse who’d returned; it was a woman in a white coat. ‘Mrs Cooper?’
She scanned the woman’s face to work out if it was good or bad news that a doctor had come to speak to her, but the professional veneer of calm gave nothing away, so she had to ask. ‘Is Robert okay? Is he still in recovery?’
‘I’m Doctor Reynolds. Please, take a seat.’
She hadn’t realised that she’d stood when the doctor came in, but she did as she was told and returned to the plastic chair. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’
Doctor Reynolds held up her hands to halt the questions. ‘The surgery went well, but there’s been a complication and Robert has been taken back into theatre.’
She heard the sharpness of her own gasp. ‘But Mr Grayson said he was fine.’
The doctor nodded. ‘He was. We think there is a minor tear that needs to be repaired. Mr Grayson is in there with him. He’s in the best possible hands.’
Ellen brought her own hands to her face. This was her fault. She’d persuaded him to have this operation. If this went wrong…
The doctor looked concerned. ‘Are you here on your own? Can I call anyone?’
She could barely form the words. ‘My daughters are coming. My friend is in the waiting room. Lucy.’
The doctor looked relieved that she’d be able to pass her onto someone else. ‘I’ll go and get her for you.’
Within a couple of minutes, Lucy was there. Ellen explained the situation and Lucy looked as shocked as she felt. Quicker than Ellen, though, she regained control of herself. ‘He’s going to be fine, Ellen. Charlotte says that the surgeon is the best there is. Robert will be fine.’
Panic swelled in her chest like a wave surging from a long way out. ‘I can’t bear to think about life without him.’
‘Don’t. Don’t think about that. Think about anything else but that.’
Now it crashed over her like a rip tide. ‘Is this my fault, Lucy? Do I deserve this because I lied to him? Am I going to lose him? This is all my fault, isn’t it?’
‘No.’ Lucy shook her head. ‘This is not your fault.’
There was no escaping the threat of it pulling her under. ‘How can you say that? You know what I did. I slept with someone else and never told him. I told him I was carrying his child when there was a possibility that it was someone else’s. And I’ve kept that secret. From him. From Grace.’
Lucy gripped her forearms, held her still. ‘Stop this, Ellen. It’s not helping. This is a different situation.’
She could feel herself losing control. She was drowning in the guilt and fear of what she’d done. ‘It’s my fault, Lucy. It’s all my fault.’
Still holding onto her arms, Lucy shook her. ‘No.’ Then she paused, took a deep breath. ‘I need to tell you something, Ellen. Something I should have told you a long time ago.’