Chapter 14 #2
“It doesn’t have to be okay. It just has to be true.
It’s true for me. Truer than anything. Truer than Texas.
Truer than my family. Truer than God, even.
I love you, Half-pint. Deep down in my soul, I love you.
I thought you loved me back.” He wiped his eyes.
“Up until you started seeing her, I thought we were …”
“Thought we were what?”
“I thought it was going to be you and me.” He risked a glance in my direction, and when our eyes locked, I could see every ounce of hurt he’d been feeling.
This had been killing him. I had been killing him.
He smashed his palm against my chest like he was trying to crack my heart, the same way I’d cracked his.
“It’s supposed to be you and me, but you’re ruining it. ”
“It is?”
He nodded. “You hold her hand in front of me at school. Do you know how much that hurts? It’s like you’re throwing it in my face. Like you’re doing it on purpose.”
I shook my head. Did he really think so little of me? “I’m not. I was scared you didn’t feel that way about me. I didn’t want to lose you, and I didn’t know how to fix it. Even if this was all we could have, just our friendship, it was enough for me.”
“It ain’t enough for me. It never has been. I wanted to be your first. To be your only; ‘cause you were gonna be mine.”
“I was?” I’d hoped for this moment for years.
Dreamed of it. Even if it wasn’t unfolding the way it did in my dreams, his words—those beautiful, awful, perfect words—were everything I’d imagined them to be.
“I want to be. I swear. What you just did to me, how you just made me feel, I’ve been waiting for that.
I’ve been praying for it. For you. I don’t like girls. Not any of them.”
“You don’t?”
“I’ve been hoping for you for so long.” I cupped his face.
“I'm sorry I let her touch me. If I'd have known you felt the same way … I swear, I never would have let her. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. I love you, too.” I leaned forward, and then I stopped myself.
“Would it be alright—I mean, would you mind if I …” I pressed my forehead against his and closed my eyes. “Kiss me?”
As soon as the words were out, our lips touched for the first time.
His were soft, just as I knew they would be.
He held the back of my head, pulling me closer as we explored each other.
It was gentle. Just the smallest of introductions, really.
Still, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Like we’d been doing it all our lives. It was everything I hoped it would be.
Because it was us. How we were always supposed to be.
I traced his jaw with my finger, tickling him as we kissed. “Say it again,” I whispered. “Please, Gray?”
“I love you,” he said. And then he said it again.
He said it so many times that I thought they were the only words left in the world.
That they would be the only words I’d hear for the rest of my life.
It would have been enough, I think. Those three words on an infinite loop would have been enough to last me a lifetime.
“Kent?”
I’d been sitting in front of the old oak tree while I waited for him, hugging my arms around my knees. I hadn’t looked up when I heard him approach. It was hard enough just holding myself together.
Gray lowered himself to the ground, taking a seat beside me. “Hey. You okay?”
I shook my head because I wasn't anywhere near okay. He bumped his shoulder against mine, touching his hand to his thigh, inviting me over. Accepting his invitation, I lowered myself down, propping my head on his thigh and using him as a pillow. He was a good pillow. The best pillow.
His fingers combed through my curls, his nails digging lightly at my scalp.
If he’d noticed the way I purred at his touch, he didn’t let it show.
I looked out at the water because I knew that if I was going to get this out—if we were going to finally have this conversation—I couldn’t do it staring into those big brown eyes.
I knew where I wanted this conversation to go.
What I needed to say in order to move on.
It wasn’t just my story, though. As much as I needed this, I couldn’t force him.
I couldn’t rip that bandage off if he wasn’t ready.
So, I waited, soaking in the stillness until he gave me a sign.
He squeezed my shoulder. “You said you didn’t want to be mad anymore.”
“I don’t.”
He looked down at me, forcing a smile. “I don’t want you to be mad at me, either. How do we fix this? I want to fix it.”
I tried to work myself up to the words. He was smiling. Guiding me. Telling me it was okay. That we were in a safe space together. How, even though this had been the spot where his brother almost killed me, it was still ours. That it would always be ours.
“I need to talk about it. We need to finally hash it out. It’s been twenty years and I’m still stuck. I don’t want to be stuck anymore.”
“It’s okay. I'm not made of glass. I won't crack. Whatever you need to say, say it. If you need to scream at me—if you want to tell me to go to heck—I’ll take it.”
“It’s not about you taking anything. I didn’t call you to scream at you.
I don’t enjoy screaming at you, you know?
” I raked my finger through the patch of dirt at my side.
Only a handful of words in, and I was already choking up.
There was no guarantee how far I’d be able to go before my voice broke and I lost my nerve.
I had to get the words out. “That night, when he came back to the house, did he tell you what they did to me?”
“He told me about the gas. That he'd scared you with matches. He said he lit a couple to scare you away. Then he made you walk home.”
I sat up and whirled around, glaring at him.
“A couple of matches? That’s it? He made me carry the gas the entire way.
I had it in my lap on the four-wheeler. The whole ride over, he kept telling me he was going to kill me.
When we finally got here, they—” My shoulders shook as memories of the three boys beating me replayed in my mind like a movie.
A terrible movie. The worst movie. “I just kept saying that I’d survive it.
I’d get through it all, and I’d find you.
You were going to make it all better. You’d see how they'd broken me, and then you'd put me back together.
“The gas stung. Fuck, it stung. The fumes burned my eyes, so I was crying, and they kept laughing at me for it.” Sunlight reflected off of the rippling water ahead of us, sending fractals of light flickering back up, and it looked like the water was sparkling.
“He laughed at me for crying. What did he expect me to do?” I sighed.
“One of the boys was smaller than the other two.
He didn't do as much as them. I don't think he wanted to be there at all. "
“Tommy?”
“No, Tommy was just as big as Trevor. Tommy said they should tie my arms and legs to their four-wheelers and see which ones ripped off first when they drove away.” The second my voice broke, Gray’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me against his chest. His grip was tight, but it was comforting.
Like being crushed by pure, untethered love.
“They beat me pretty bad. The smaller one was faking most of his hits, though. I was on the ground, curled up, and each time his fist came toward my stomach, it would stop a few inches away. When Trevor made me kneel in the dirt, the kid kept mouthing that he was sorry. Trevor and Tommy, though; it’s like they were getting off on it.
Trevor pulled out that box of matches and it was like my whole life was flashing in front of me.
That was it. I knew he was going to kill me as soon as I saw them.
He lit seventy-one of them. I counted. He'd let them burn for a while, and then he'd strike another one.” Gray pressed his face against my neck and whimpered. “I saw you, Gray. All I saw was you. The day we met at school. Us outside the bakery eating cookies. Me sneaking you into the movie theater to watch that scary movie. You got me through it. I could smell the gas and feel the pain from where they’d been beating me, but when I closed my eyes, all I saw was you. That smile on your face when you looked up at me after that movie was over. That was the first time.”
“The first time, what?” he whispered.
“That I knew I loved you.” I winced when I said those old, familiar words. Even though it was true, I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by bringing truths to light he’d rather stay hidden. “Is it okay to say that? I’m sorry if—”
He pulled me even closer. “Why then? What made you realize?”
“You’d been so scared through the whole movie. I felt like an asshole for talking you into watching it with me, but when it was over you looked up at me and smiled. Do you remember what you said to me?”
“Never again?” he mumbled into my neck
I shook my head. “‘Gosh that was scary.’ And you were smiling so big, Gray. Right at me.”
“I got to cuddle up next to you for two hours. Of course, I was smiling.” For a second—the briefest of seconds—it almost felt like he’d pressed his lips against my neck. I pried his arms off of me and pulled away, just needing to see him.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
He nodded. "Anything."
“That night at the lake, before we went back to your room. Before Trever took me. Do you ever think about it?”
“Yes,” he said without hesitation.
“Do you think we would have been happy? If that night never happened—if I’d just gone home after the lake and broken up with Kate—do you ever think about where we’d be right now?”
“I would have lost my family.”
“You would have had me.” When I looked up at him, there were already tears in his eyes. I reached up, brushing them away with my thumb. “Please don’t cry. I’m not trying to hurt you.”