Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
Hollie
The sparks on the end of Jesse’s sparkler spewed into the air as he touched it to the tip of Nora’s. Nora, wiggling with excitement, couldn’t hold still long enough to light it. Jesse grabbed her hand to hold it steady and touched the end of their sparklers together.
Golden light washed over her face as she shrieked. “Mommy!”
“I see, baby. That’s so cool.”
“You get one, Mommy!”
Jesse turned to light Izzy and Cade’s and the three children twirled around the big open barnyard, spelling their names and shouting with happiness.
They danced to the music coming from the Ford Ranger truck speakers, which was parked just a little ways from our picnic table on the porch, where we’d stuffed ourselves with Fourth of July burgers and watermelon and played cornhole with a few of the guests that had wandered out to join us.
Izzy and Nora were different creatures here at Meadowbrook.
I was, too. We had dirty fingernails, tanned faces, and huge smiles.
But time disappeared faster than I could savor it.
It had already been three nights since the rodeo.
Three. The passing days had been my regular routine: caring for the guests, Bea, and the girls.
And I spent every spare moment with Jesse.
But we wouldn’t get more alone time, or late rodeo nights together.
Our time would be stolen moments, snuck here and there between our duties.
The ache in my chest when I thought about leaving him felt nothing like friendship.
It couldn’t be love though because I hadn’t known him long enough.
Although, admittedly, my experience with love thus far wasn’t very healthy, so maybe I had no idea what love even felt like.
What Jesse and I had was much simpler than love. It was attraction, care, chemistry, and camaraderie. Deep respect and admiration. None of which necessitated love, right?
An unlit sparkler poked against my arm. “Don’t tell me you’re too old for these things.”
I turned to see Jesse with a smirk on his face.
I snatched it from him. “Never. Light me.”
He lifted his sparkler to mine, rolling his lips against the huge smile pulling at his cheeks. In the sparkling light, I caught his gaze and laughed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
His smile broke free as he shrugged. “I’m having fun.”
Before I could respond, my sparkler wooshed with flame, and I stepped back, circling it through the air and watching the long tails bring the night to life. Nora ran up to Jesse and demanded, “Spell my name!”
My heart melted as Jesse moved his sparkler in the air, spelling out loud. “N-O-R-A…wait, how do you spell your middle name?”
Izzy quipped. “L-E-I-G-H.”
Jesse continued and Nora’s little wand followed his through the air, moving so quickly it looked like a bad wiring job. When they finished, Jesse gave her a high five. My cheeks ached from smiling so much, but I couldn’t stop. Especially after he turned back to me.
I lifted my lifeless sparkler. “I’m out.”
He pulled two more from the box sticking out of his butt pocket and flicked a lighter beneath them, enabling us to have thirty more seconds of fun. Over the chatter of children, I caught bits of the country song in the background—one I actually knew. Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band.
Jesse bobbed his head back and forth, in sync with his bouncing sparkler, as he mouthed the lyrics of the very American song.
I laughed. Why was he so sweet? Did he realize what a big teddy bear he was?
He was kind, intelligent, and the best listener I’d ever met.
He was difficult to rattle and had the easiest smile.
He’d been through so much, yet still had so much to give.
A jumble of feelings I could never put words to ruptured in my heart.
I wanted to cry, laugh, scream.
Dance.
The breath froze in my lungs.
I want to dance.
For the last thirteen years, all I wanted to do was hide that I could dance.
Now, here under the big Texas sky, inhaling colorful smoke, I felt like I would explode if I didn’t.
Gripping the thin wooden stick, I lifted it above my head and twirled on my toe, the gravel grinding beneath the rubber of my tennis shoe.
It was nothing tight, measured. Just a sloppy pirouette on shifting rocks.
My curls bounced against the back of my neck as I did it again, leading this time with a relaxed chassè, a deep swoop, then a tighter pirouette.
I stumbled out of it because my toe dug a crater into the driveway.
I caught my footing, laughing a little as my heart leapt in my chest.
That felt good. So good.
My eyes immediately found Jesse’s. His brows were raised, the warm smile on his face saying everything I needed to hear. He was proud of me.
I was proud of me.
“Mom!” Izzy yelled, dropping her dark sparkler on the ground. “How did you do that?”
I laughed. “Do what?”
“The thing with your feet!”
“Oh!” I did a chassé again, slower this time. “This?”
“Yes!”
The weight of regret tumbled into my heart.
Had I not ever danced with the girls? I frantically thought through the past nine years.
All those impromptu dance parties and karaoke machines and I never danced?
I remembered holding their hands, swaying, and bebopping a little.
But, I’d never really let loose. They had no idea I could dance.
A lump rose in my throat but I swallowed it down.
Jesse’s words wrapped around my heart like a hug—a tender push into healing.
“If he took dancing from you, take it back.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s called a chassé.”
“Can you show me how?”
Nora added, “Me too!”
Ten minutes later, our wobbly chassés had left long furrows in the gravel and the girls giggled uncontrollably. I felt embarrassed that I’d never connected with my daughters this way—that I’d let their dad steal so much light and joy from our lives.
One careless twirl with a sparkler, and look what had happened.
We were smiling and laughing, our shadows dancing beneath us.
Even as tears pricked my eyes, I pushed them back, determined not to let Garrett have any more power over my life—not when it came to dance, anyway. Finally, as the chaos died down and brunt sparklers littered the ground, the girls asked for ice cream sandwiches.
As I made my way back to the porch, sweaty and exhausted, I realized Tag and Bea were cuddling together on the porch swing. Bea’s legs were swung across Tag’s lap and his hand brushed from her ankle to the top of her knee and back. Her smile was the most contended I’d seen in days. Tag’s, too.
She said, “You guys are having fun out there.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“You want to know what Tag and I were just discussing?”
I laughed. “Sure.”
“We’ve never seen Jesse this happy. Have we, Tag?”
My entire body went still.
“Nope. Or Cade, for that matter.” Tag added, his voice as unhurried as the gentle pop of the swing chains. “I hardly recognize them.”
Bea and I had a long conversation after the rodeo about Jesse and everything that had transpired between us. To say she wholeheartedly approved was an understatement. But trying to make her understand why I couldn’t be anything more than his friend was more difficult than it should’ve been.
I swallowed. “Is that…a bad thing?”
Bea smiled, though it looked a little sad. “Not at all, Holls. We’ll just hate to see you go. Everyone will.”
She nudged Tag with her foot.
He looked back and whispered, “Right now?”
“Yeah.” Bea gave an imperceptible nod of her head toward me. “Go.”
I narrowed my eyes, wondering what they were up to.
“Alright.” Tag cleared his throat, shifting forward on the swing. “Any chance you might wanna stay?”
I sucked a breath. “What—what do you mean?”
“Well, we have to get long term help. Bea’s gonna be a momma soon, and I don’t want her frettin’ in the kitchen or runnin’ after guests when she should be gettin’ her rest. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know what the fate of the bed and breakfast will be in a few years.
But, for right now, the position is open.
Seems only fair to give you first right of refusal.
Granted, the pay won’t be anything to write home about, but all meals and livin’ expenses are covered. ”
Oh, how I wished I could say yes. “Guys, as kind as your offer is, I can’t live with you two forever. You’re newlyweds with a baby on the way.”
“About that…” Tag’s eyes darted to where Jesse and the kids were lighting smoke bombs. “If you want to stay, we have a cabin for you.”
There were only three. Two were permanent residences, and the third cabin accounted for a quarter of the bed and breakfast’s revenue. My brow furrowed in confusion. “How is that possible?”
Bea fought a growing smile. Were they about to play some sort of joke on me?
Tag slowly answered. “Jesse and Cade can move into the bunkhouse with Harlan.”
“What?!” The question ripped from my throat with a scoff. “Aboslutely not. You cannot ask Jesse to do that. That’s their home.”
“We didn’t ask him, sis.” Bea lost the battle against her smile, her whole face shimmering with warmth. “He brought the option to us.”
My entire body stilled, and my lungs refused to fill with air. Jesse offered to move? I blinked a few times, groping for my next words. “Why would he do that?”
Bea’s gaze darted to Tag before she looked back at me, but she didn’t answer.
“Seriously, Bea, why on earth would Jesse do that?”
“He cares about you, Hollie.” Her voice was slow and gentle, like I was a skittish wild animal.
A flash of panic tightened the walls of my ribcage. “I can only be his friend.”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t about that, I can assure you. Jesse’s only concern was that you have the option to stay, even if you can’t take it.”
Jesse and Cade had been living in that cabin for six years; it was the only home Cade knew. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
Tag spoke. “You don’t need to say anything right now. Take the time you need to work things out. Just know you got a place here at Meadowbrook if you want it.”
“Okay.” I furiously blinked the welling tears from my eyes.
“We have loved you being here. It can get lonely as the only woman with all these cowboys. I know life is complicated, but selfishly, I’d love to have a sister here.”
I smiled. “Thank you. Selfishly, I’d love that, too.”
I continued into the kitchen to grab the ice cream sandwiches, my heart beating wildly in my chest the entire way.