Nine
NINE
Graham
I was in big trouble.
I’d been feeling it ever since the day I’d ran into Kat at the gas station and had agreed to follow her back to her place. She’d said one thing to me that evening, and I busted out laughing.
It was the first I’d laughed like that in more than a year, and it felt so good, it terrified me. Because I was not supposed to be getting so close to a woman to allow that to happen. Though, based on what happened last week with her delivering a Kit Kat bar, it seemed I’d had other instances of letting my guard down.
So, it was plainly obvious I was in trouble.
But now, it was even worse than I thought.
Because I’d just opened my door to Kat, and I was immediately aware that something was wrong. Kat was standing in front of me with tears in her eyes.
My gut twisted at the sight of her so upset, and I was caught between wanting to fix whatever was wrong and knowing I needed to go to great lengths to keep myself in check.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
The words of concern spilled out of me before I could stop them.
As soon as I’d spoken, the tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I… I… If I had known sooner, I wouldn’t have come over.”
My mind went blank. I had not a clue what she was talking about.
“What’s going on?” My eyes scanned her from top to toe. “Are you hurt?”
Kat lifted her hand to her cheek and brushed away the tears as she sniffled. “I’ll be okay. I just, well, I got a call from my sister as soon as I turned onto your street. If I had gotten her call earlier, I never would have left my house. I would have just called to let you know I wasn’t coming. But since I’d already pulled into your driveway by the time she gave me the news, I figured I’d just tell you to your face that I’m simply not up for our normal routine today.”
Oh, no.
Had something tragic happened in her family?
The part of me that had been through hell for the year leading up to meeting Kat told me to tell her not to worry about it and that we could get together another time when she was feeling up to it again.
But the other part of me, the part that I’d buried somewhere deep down inside, wasn’t heartless, wasn’t cruel. That part of me couldn’t bear to see the hurt and devastation lingering in her eyes and not show her some compassion.
At this point, it wasn’t even about protecting myself. It was about being a decent human being to a woman who was struggling.
“Would you like to come in?”
Her lips parted, her big brown eyes rounding in shock. “I… I’m really not up for sex today, Graham.”
Damn it.
Despite believing I was in trouble for having let down my guard a handful of time with her, it seemed Kat didn’t believe I had it in me to show her any kindness.
“I know that. I was inviting you in to talk about whatever’s going on. You’re upset, and you probably shouldn’t be alone.”
She dropped her gaze to the ground, a light sob escaping. The sight and sound of her being so defeated was all it took.
I reached out for her, wrapped my arm around her back, and urged her forward into the house. After closing the door behind us, I led her to the couch in the living room, the same couch on which the two of us had been before and never had an ounce of conversation.
I shoved those thoughts away—this wasn’t the time to be reminiscing.
Once Kat was seated, I grabbed a box of tissues and held them out to her. “Thanks,” she murmured.
I sat down beside her, keeping an arm’s length distance between us. I wanted to be close enough to provide her with some comfort, but not so close that it hinted at anything inappropriate for a time like this.
“Is… is everyone in your family alright?”
She nodded slowly. “They’re fine. In fact, I’m willing to bet they’re all better than fine.”
If it hadn’t been for my own life experiences, I would have thought her response made no sense. “So, how is it possible that they’re all fine, and you aren’t? Did they do something to hurt you like this?”
She dabbed at her cheeks with the tissue. “It’s nothing like that. They don’t even know I’m upset.”
So she was hiding something from them. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
For several long moments, Kat simply stared at me. And the longer she stared, the more tears welled in her eyes. “Did you ever think you had your life all figured out before you were slapped in the face with reality?”
If she only knew…
With that single question, I felt like I’d been slapped in the face all over again.
And while I could have answered in agreement with that very easily, I wasn’t quite sure that was the extent to what Kat was dealing with. Although I believed she was genuinely upset, I didn’t think it was so extreme as what I’d gone through. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about that aspect of my life. If I could, I never wanted to think about it again.
“I guess that depends. I think there are a lot of people who have ideas about their life that never turn out the way they hope, but it’s all to varying degrees,” I said.
“Did you think you knew what you wanted, how you wanted it to be, and one day woke up to realize you were completely wrong?” she pressed.
I couldn’t quite tell if it was anger or sadness that was fueling her at this point. Either way, regardless of my desire to not think about my recent past, Kat’s continued questions kept putting me back there.
Sharing any of it with Kat was not something I was interested in doing, so I diverted the question. “What does this have to do with the call you got from your sister? Are you okay?”
She sighed, looking away from me as the anguish became evident in her features. It was tough to see a woman like her—someone who’d been so upbeat and outgoing—reduced to such a state of despair.
“Nothing in my personal life has turned out the way I thought it would.”
That made two of us.
Kat continued. “I have two younger sisters, Eva and Amy. Amy is the one who called me just now. And though they are both coming here at the end of next week to visit me, Amy couldn’t wait until then to give me the news.”
“News?”
She nodded slowly and turned her attention to me again. “She got engaged last night.”
From the moment I opened the door and learned that there was a problem, I’d had a slew of thoughts that ran through my head about what could be wrong. When Kat shared that she’d gotten a call from her sister, it narrowed my thoughts about what was upsetting her. But in all the ideas that had flitted through my brain about the cause of Kat’s tears, the notion that one of her sisters had called to share the news of her engagement was not one of them.
I couldn’t imagine why such news would make her so distraught.
“And you’re upset because she called to tell you this instead of waiting to tell you in person?” I asked, thinking there wasn’t anything else that made sense.
Kat shook her head slowly, more tears falling. “No.”
“Well, shouldn’t the news of her engagement be excellent? Aren’t you happy for her?” I pressed, feeling a slight edge of desperation to get to the bottom of this. Maybe those tears were impacting me even more than I thought.
Long moments of silence ensued. Kat stared straight ahead, not daring to even look in my direction. Seeing the heartache written all over her face was devastating.
“That was me,” she finally shared, her voice so small. “Or, I guess it was supposed to be me.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. When she opened them again, she turned to look at me. “You couldn’t possibly imagine it, Graham. It’s that horrible. But I’ll just say that I was supposed to get married. I was engaged, and it didn’t work out. I’m thrilled for my sister. I want her to be happy, because she absolutely deserves it. Unfortunately, hearing that she got engaged just reminded me of all the ways I’ve failed myself and in my life.”
Kat had been engaged.
It didn’t work out.
She said I couldn’t possibly imagine how horrible it was. Even if I’d been willing to work up the courage to ask her to share the details—something I wasn’t entirely sure she was prepared to do anyway—I didn’t know if I was prepared to hear what she’d endured, why her engagement didn’t turn into a marriage.
Because the truth was that I could imagine some awful things, had endured them myself.
A part of me, something born of both the new and old versions of me, couldn’t bear the thought of something so tragic happening to this woman.
Unwilling to ask for the specifics, believing she would have shared if she wanted me to know, I considered something else she’d said and asked, “Is that something you want?”
“What?”
Why was I daring to ask her this question? “Marriage. Is that something you want one day?”
She huffed. “At one point in my life, I did. Then I got burned and decided it wasn’t worth that kind of pain.”
I wondered how recently she’d come to this realization. Had what we’d been doing with one another for nearly two months now been her way of avoiding serious relationships? Is that why she’d been so good at avoiding conversation at the beginning of this, when I was struggling to figure out how it worked? And precisely what had she been through to lead her to making such an extreme decision?
The questions pilfered my focus on the conversation, leading me to be lost in my own thoughts and not engaged with Kat. She didn’t seem to be bothered by it, at least not enough to say anything to me about it. Instead, she took the opportunity to share more with me.
“But I’m here in tears, so now I’m not so sure,” she began again. “I mean, my sister just got engaged, and I’m crying because I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of longing for the thing that I didn’t think I wanted anymore.”
And with that declaration, things took a massively complicated turn. How was I supposed to continue things with her the way they had been going, knowing that her head wasn’t in it, that she likely wanted more out of life than I was willing to give?
Even if I still felt bitterness about the ways in which I’d been betrayed and fooled, I wasn’t the kind of guy who could deliberately mislead a woman or exploit her mixed up state of mind.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my thighs and clasped my hands in front of me, so I wouldn’t be tempted to reach out to touch her and offer comfort. Twisting my neck to look at her, I said, “I’m pretty sure there aren’t any rules about this, Kat. You’re allowed to change your mind.”
Why did it kill me to say that?
Was it because everything she was saying now was an indication that what we had agreed to between us was no longer working for her? Was it because I knew that if she did want a future that involved marriage, she and I would no longer have what we did? Was it because I was going to have to let her go?
None of it should have mattered to me. Maybe it was just that I realized how great our arrangement had been and how phenomenal she’d been in bed. I didn’t think it’d be quite so easy to replace her. What were the chances there’d be another woman who wanted a no-strings affair and would be stellar at sex, too?
Selfish.
That’s what I was.
Purely selfish.
God, I’d become a man I didn’t recognize. But even if I could see that much, I couldn’t bring myself to change my perspective. Some wounds cut deep enough to leave lasting scars, reminders of why the risk wasn’t worth taking.
Kat’s expression became a mix of acceptance and frustration. “I know I can, but that’s just the problem. I don’t know what I want, Graham.”
That she felt even that level of indifference should have been enough for me to end things immediately. Granted, this wasn’t exactly the best time, not when she was so upset, but I should have at least been able to draw the conclusion that nothing else could happen between us moving forward.
I was so caught up in thoughts about how I could tell her and what I’d be losing that I didn’t consider how to respond. Kat, it seemed, hadn’t finished sharing what was on her mind anyway.
“When all you know about it is messy and heartbreaking and utter devastation, it only makes sense to reconsider the desire to have it all. It’s what leads you to decide that there are some gambles that aren’t worth it, no matter how big the payout. But then it happens all around you. Everyone tells you it’s amazing, and it’s hard not to believe them when they’re living proof that it exists.”
Something gnawed at me to tell her the truth, to tell her that she wasn’t wrong to be fearful. Kat hadn’t gotten to the stage of marriage—from where I stood, she dodged a bullet. Because no matter how many people could say it was amazing, there were just as many who could tell the stories of heartbreak and tragedy.
No matter how loud that voice inside me that was begging me to share all that with her was, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I fed into the most negative parts of what she said.
“It’s easy for those who are in the thick of happiness and overwhelming contentment with their lives to look at someone who has experienced the devastation and insist that there’s something better. There are no guarantees that everyone will get that, and it’s okay to be fearful or have a different opinion.” When I took in the look of disappointment on her face and realized I’d done nothing to help, I added, “But even if you’re fearful, it’s still okay to change your mind.”
She let out a sigh of relief. “That’s what screws it up in your head the most, you know? Deep down, you know you experienced the absolute worst, and you were smart to do what you did to protect yourself. You tell yourself it’s the best bet, that the chance for heartbreak isn’t worth it, but you know you’re lying to yourself. And when something like this happens, when someone you know and love finds that happy ending, the pain of what you’ll never have burns like salt in an open wound.”
Well, I tried.
I tried to find a way to hold on to what we had between us, even if I couldn’t fool myself into believing it would be okay to continue. Whatever happened to Kat, whatever she’d been through, had likely led to her winding up on that bar stool beside me months ago. She thought she knew what she wanted, but it was clear she’d been wrong.
And if I was completely honest, I could see the change that had been happening with her for a while now. She kept pushing for more between us, doing it subtly. I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
Kat wanted something I couldn’t give, and I liked to think I was a decent enough guy that I’d be willing to take a step back, so she could find it with someone else.
I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but I needed to offer her some encouragement. “I think, if you take a step back and decide you want that thing that everyone else tells you is worth it, you can still go after it, Kat. Like I said before, you’re allowed to change your mind.”
She held my stare a beat, her eyes searching for something in my expression. “Would you?”
“Would I what?”
Kat hesitated, opening and closing her lips several times, before she finally said, “If you were me and had been through something that shook your confidence and willingness to try, would you try again?”
I shrugged. “I can’t make that decision for you. Everybody is different, and the things we go through lead us to those decisions. If it were me, I know how I am. I wouldn’t risk it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
Kat’s shoulders slumped as she bowed her head. It was as though I’d sucked the life and any last dash of hope from her. I felt bad about it, but I refused to lie about this.
Following a long stretch of silence, Kat rubbed her hands over her face, lifted her head, and stood. “I should really get going. Again, I’m sorry about coming here like this. I didn’t mean to ruin the day you had planned.”
Guilt moved through me. I hated seeing her like this. Standing beside her, I insisted, “It’s really okay, Kat. Things happen.”
“Thanks. For understanding and for listening. We can figure out another day to get together again soon.”
I dipped my chin, thinking it wasn’t going to be a good idea. “Sure. Whenever you’re ready.”
With that, Kat moved to walk toward the door. I followed behind her, my footsteps dragging, and with each step she took in that direction, my stomach sank. I hadn’t made any moves yet, but the thought already left an ache in the back of my throat. Because I told myself I needed to figure out how I was going to make the change in the arrangement I had with Kat.
Not for my sake, but for hers.