Chapter 61
Idon’t want Jonas to be right. I want the kraken to be leaving, but its tentacles are still above the water, flailing wildly.
‘So you can communicate with that thing?’ Jonas asks. ‘How the hell?’
‘There must be residual magic from the priestesses flowing through the water,’ Kyor lies, his breath still shallow, wheezing. ‘The sea must be filled with it from whatever they had to do to get this thing in here. I can feel it too.’
Jonas doesn’t look convinced, but Benny nods easily as his eyes lock on mine. ‘Sure, makes sense,’ he says lightly. ‘I guess it’s your girly emotions that make you more attuned to it, right? I must just be too macho to feel it.’
I can’t help but smile, both at the slight zing at Kyor and the memory of Llin’s comments about women not being the emotional ones. The expression is fleeting though because Jonas is right – it’s not moving on.
‘Do we need to somehow let it know it’s free to go?’ I wonder aloud.
‘How?’ Kyor asks.
‘Well, if I—if we can feel what it’s thinking, maybe it also works the other way around? Maybe I can send thoughts to it. Tell it that it’s free to go.’
‘You think that’ll work?’ Jonas asks dubiously.
‘I think it’s worth a try,’ Benny responds before I can.
I’m still not sure whether he’s bought our lie about residual magic in the water, but I’m glad to have him here. With three against one, whatever Jonas says will be brushed aside.
‘Hold the boat steady,’ I tell the others before plunging my hands into the water.
Though there’s an immediate icy chill, it doesn’t take long before I cease to notice the temperature.
Instead, the kraken’s emotions flood me, consuming every other sensation I have.
It only takes me a heartbeat to know they’re the same as last time.
Confusion and loss, but no discomfort. The pain has definitely disappeared.
If I wasn’t sure before, I am now. The ward is gone and it’s free to go. It just doesn’t know it.
You can swim away, I think, pushing the words through my mind with as much force as I can. You can swim away. Swim away!
A flicker comes from the creature – the slightest modulation in its emotions. Excitement sparks within me. It’s working. It’s going to work. Swim away! I try again. You’re free. Go! I practically scream in my mind. Please, hear me. You can leave.
The same flicker comes again, as though it’s struggling to make sense of what I’m telling it.
I’m only adding to its confusion. A single tentacle rises up out of the water – it’s only the tip, but it’s covered in suckers the size of carriage wheels – and with a gurgling roar from the kraken’s unseen mouth, the tentacle slaps down into the foaming waves.
Something about the way the motion slows just before impact tells me it’s as much in frustration as anger. I need it to hear me. Properly.
As I pull my hands out of the water, I turn to the others.
‘Paddle towards it,’ I demand.
‘What?’ All three men respond simultaneously.
‘Paddle towards it. Now! I need to be closer.’
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the other two boats. They’ve both taken a wider route, possibly hoping we’ll be enough of a distraction so they can slip across unnoticed. Though if that’s the case, they’ve vastly underestimated the size of this beast.
‘It can hear me, but it doesn’t understand. I’m sure if I can just get closer, it’ll work. Do you need a minute first?’
My question is aimed solely at Kyor, though he shakes his head. ‘No, I’m good. But if you don’t mind, I might do this the easy way.’
‘The easy way?’
A moment later, I’m slung onto my back as we’re struck from behind by a gust of wind that careens our two small boats straight into the kraken’s path.
I wait for the second gust to come from the front and slow us down, but it comes later and harder than any of us expect.
The boats rock violently as waves crash over the sides.
‘Wanna wind the weather down a bit, buddy?’ Benny asks Kyor.
‘Sorry.’ The prince grimaces. ‘That storm took it out of me. Not so easy to judge strength when you’ve just blown a dozen priestesses off a cliff.’
Even in the tumultuous chaos, I can feel Benny snicker.
I smack him.
‘Not the right moment?’ he asks innocently.
‘What was it you said?’ I shoot back. ‘Read the room?’
In case we need a reminder of just how much we need to get out of here, a tentacle smashes down less than two feet in front of us, sending a wave that rockets us up in a cloud of white foam. We clutch the sides of the boats, holding fast as we crash back down again.
‘Will everyone just focus?’ Jonas snaps. As we all look to the kraken, the frown tightens on his forehead. ‘Is it moving towards the shore?’ he asks. ‘Because if it keeps doing that, it’s going to beach itself and probably kill us in the process.’
‘You’re always such a ray of sunshine,’ Benny mutters, but Jonas isn’t wrong.
‘We need to get this thing to swim down the channel,’ I say. ‘Now.’
As much as I’m hoping the new proximity between us and the creature will make it easier for me to communicate with it, the tumultuous water is making sticking my hands in a darn sight harder.
I twist around to look at Kyor. ‘I need you to hold me steady. Make sure I don’t fall in.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve got you.’
His shifting in the boat barely adds to the rocking as he places his hands on my hips, my whole body at his mercy as I lean overboard and plunge my hands into the water.
The kraken’s emotions smack me hard. Yup, I was right about the frustration. It’s suffocating in it.
Not this way! Swim down the channel. You’re free! Swim away down the channel.
I scream at it with all my mental power, but even with the shorter distance, I’m only getting the same level of recognition as before. It’s not that it can’t hear or understand. It’s that it’s too consumed by its own torment to focus on me.
Moving the boats here has made no difference other than putting us in dangerously close proximity to its tentacles. Fuck.
‘Still nothing?’ Kyor asks as he pulls me out.
‘No,’ I say. ‘But I’ve got another idea. I don’t think you’re going to like it though.’
‘Does it get us past this kraken?’ Jonas asks.
‘It should do.’
‘Then we like it,’ he says.
I’m pretty sure he’s only saying that because he doesn’t know what my idea is. Still, I don’t need his permission. Bracing myself against the waves and what’s about to come, I twist back and look at Kyor. The moment I press my lips together, his face hardens.
‘No. Rose, just no.’
‘I need to be there with it. In the water. This’ll work.’
‘And if it doesn’t?’
‘Then I drown.’ I shrug as nonchalantly as I can, like I haven’t feared this very moment since coating my fingers in ash and submitting my name for the Retterheld months ago. ‘But that’s not going to happen. This will work, Kyor.’
‘Fuck no,’ Jonas snaps, having finally twigged onto my plan. ‘You’re not going into the water, Rose. You’re not a good enough swimmer.’
Kyor rounds on him. ‘Stop telling her what she can’t do. I can’t deal with you dragging her down right now.’
‘If she gets in the water, it’ll be the kraken that drags her down,’ Jonas fires back.
Another tentacle comes down, creating a wave strong enough to lift the bow of the other boat out of the water entirely. When it smashes back down, Benny is left without an oar. Fuck.
‘Stop bickering! If we carry on like this, all four of us are going to die out here!’ I shout above the constant crashing. ‘At least this way, there’s a good chance the three of you will get out.’
‘No,’ Jonas repeats. ‘We’ll do something. I’ll … I’ll …’
‘If you say “blind it,” I swear I will push you out of this boat myself.’ My response surprises me, but it’s justified. Jonas’s power has made the situation worse before and we can’t risk that now.
Ignoring Benny and Jonas, I turn to Kyor. ‘You asked me to trust you. Now I’m asking you to do the same.’
I see the conflict on his face. The hesitation. Finally, his chin dips in a nod. ‘What do you need from me?’ he asks simply.
‘The moment you see a chance, get past it. If you can get me out fast, go for it. But if I go under, you need to leave me—’
‘Rose that’s not—’
‘I’m not risking anyone else.’ I leave him with that statement and try to look at Benny while simultaneously throwing off my furs and shoes. But with all the rocking, it’s not exactly easy. So I choose to shout instead. ‘Benny! Remember what Llin said. One of us has to make it.’
I strip down so that I’m barely clothed. Of all the bad ideas I’ve had in the Retterheld, this one feels like the worst. But it’s the only one we’ve got.
Goosebumps rise on my arms. This is it. This is the only way.
I know that. And it’s a stupid plan. All I’ve got is a gut instinct telling me that this is what I have to do.
For all I know, it could be some kind of delirium caused by something in the water, but if that’s the case, at least I’ll meet Mortidem knowing that I saved my friends.
Knowing that I saved Kyor.
I look at the dark water rolling beneath me. The raging blue and black depths. Once I jump, there will be no turning back. Shit, I really, really don’t want to jump.
I cast my final words to the second boat. ‘If this works, it should calm the kraken. Maybe enough to get me out. But if it doesn’t, then none of you can come after me. Not you two, and definitely not him. You lose Kyor and you’re dead too.’
I see them both nod, at which point I turn to Kyor.
Even exhausted, he is the most perfect specimen of a human.
Those icy-blue eyes. Those perfect lips.
Gods, if I’m only going to get one last kiss with him, I wish to hell it was on stable land.
But that’s not going to happen, so I’ll make do with what I have.
That’s what I think, at least, until I lean in to kiss him, only for him to brace me by the shoulders.
‘No.’ His eyes lock on mine. ‘You can’t have it both ways. Either you know you can do this, in which case, there’s no need to kiss me like it’s goodbye. Or you don’t think you can, in which case we stay in this boat and find another way. I’m not losing you.’
The way he speaks makes it feel like it’s just the two of us, alone together in his room, not struggling to stay afloat in a tiny wooden boat as waves crash over us.
‘Rose, in case I haven’t made it clear before now, I would rather drown here holding you in my arms than let you sacrifice yourself for me. Understand? So what’s it going to be? Can you do this, or do we need to find another way?’
That’s it. I love this man. If I didn’t know it before, I sure as hell do now. I swallow, fighting the desperate urge to kiss him. Instead, I muster a nod.
‘I can do this.’
‘Good. Then do it.’
I don’t wait. I cross my arms over my chest and jump over the edge of the boat, plunging into the icy water.
The cold seizes my lungs, and before I can even form a thought or remind myself to kick my legs, everything is drowned out by the kraken.
The creature’s suffering is monstrous, but cold is not one of the things that’s causing it turmoil.
And so it becomes the same for me. It is like I belong here.
In this water. Consumed by the animal’s raw, unfiltered pain.
It’s in a place it never expected to be.
A world it doesn’t belong to. And I know exactly how it feels.
As I kick myself back up to the surface, I open myself to it all and, in return, offer it everything I can.
I know. I know you don’t belong here. But you can swim away now, I think, sending the words with as much force as I can. Swim away. There’s nothing stopping you anymore. I promise. I picture it in my head, the image of the tentacles moving pointedly downstream, down the channel.
The recognition I felt before comes again. But this time, it’s stronger. It’s hearing me. It understands. A wave is heading towards me. Trying to give myself as much of a chance as possible, I draw in a long breath only a moment before my head disappears back under the water.
You can go, I say again. Please. You can go. Its response comes again. Stronger still. It’s listening. Swim down the channel. Stay deep. Go. Go!
I kick upwards, ready to grab a breath.
Only I mistime the wave.
Cold slams into my chest, and instead of the sweet burn of air, I taste salt and iron.
Water rips its way into my mouth, and though I try not to swallow, it’s too late.
My lungs protest – no, they seize – and I need to take another breath.
But the next gasp is filled with water too, and a hot, wet pressure swells and claws at my ribs.
Sound narrows to a bloody, muffled drumbeat as my ears pop, and the light thins into a silver tunnel I can’t reach. Panic arrives fast, bright and precise, cutting through thought. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Coughing and choking do nothing but pull more water in. I kick until my thighs burn, feet slashing, propelling me towards a surface that refuses to show itself. Where the fuck is the surface? The Godsdamn air?
Adrenaline sharpens everything as my hands claw the water like fingers scrabbling desperately at a ledge. Thoughts fragment into images: the tiny boat; Kyor’s smile; Benny’s teasing laugh; the small, stupid things that matter; and Kay.
Always Kay.
Time stretches into a long, thin rope of moments where all I can feel is the heavy thud of my slowing heartbeat. I’m not going to make it. The world is losing its grip on me.
For a sliver of a second, the part of me that’s stubborn and ridiculous refuses to accept this ending. It fights. It kicks. Yet air remains elusive. I don’t even know if I’m kicking in the right direction.
This is it. This is the end.
If I’m dying, just let it have purpose. I reach out desperately to the kraken again.
Go home! You can go. Please, just go.
I’m trying to make sure it hears me, but I can feel my thoughts growing weaker, my mind blurring. This is when I meet Mortidem then.
I didn’t even get a chance to be one with Kyor. A ridiculous regret, but still, it’s there.
I’m dying alone aside from a sea monster and endless water. At least there’s no pain anymore. That’s something, right? At least there’s no pain.
I offer one final kick, knowing it won’t help. The edges of my vision are darkening, and I realise, with complete calmness, that whether I give up or not, Mortidem is coming for me.
In the deathly darkness of the water, as my eyelids flutter closed, a single flash of colour marks my passing. Blue. A blue so piercing it’s like it can see all the way into my very soul. Like it is my soul.
Then, a moment later, the world goes black.