Well, That Was A Lot
We gathered around the bonfire together with our plates of food, all of us. The kids sat together; Dylan was eagerly talking with Jade and Ivy, now, between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes and fries and pie. I could see the sleepiness beginning to edge in on Lucy, who was sitting on a large rock, legs sticking out in front of her.
Aegis remained in his wolf form; the sun was fully setting, and I could feel the eagerness of the pack beginning to fill the air. It wouldn't reach its zenith until about midnight, and I knew Lucy would crash out well before then, but the pack was ready for the first official night of the full moon.
It was Collin who seemed the most introspective, pausing between bites to stare off toward some of the other kids, a heavy frown on his face.
"Penny for your thoughts," I said quietly, nudging his shoulder.
"I didn't realize how complicated this was going to be," he said, never looking away. "Everything's changed. Everything. I thought we'd just go about life like normal and pretend I wasn't shedding all over the couch, but like..." He looked up at me, and I saw fear in his eyes. "Mom. Everything's different, now."
"There's nothing wrong with that." Aegis's calm voice floated over, and I saw Collin flinch, ducking his head. He had two sets of ears- I could only imagine how confusing that must have been- and the top, lupine set flattened.
"I know what you're feeling." Aegis was looking steadily at him, neither backing down nor retreating. "It's confusing and scary."
"You were born with this," Collin accused, though he didn't lift his head. "There's so much going on all of a sudden for me. I'm drowning."
"Like what?" I asked, my heart squeezing in a small flash of panic.
"I can smell everything, and there's so much information in the smells that it's like a constant overload," Collin complained. "And..." He glanced up at Aegis.
"You can sense that I'm an Alpha," Aegis said, patient. "I know. I'm sorry. I would turn it off, if I could, but it's a part of the animal side of you, now. I'm sure you've always sensed a little more than others around you."
Collin hesitated. "Why can't I stop feeling so anxious?"
"Because you aren't affiliated with my Pack. Not officially," Aegis added. "I'm not going to go around chasing you off my territory. You're more like... a pack friend. There's a whole initiation thing involved with joining a pack."
Collin groaned, running his hands through his hair. "See? This is what I'm talking about. Initiations? Packs? All these senses that I just have to deal with now?" He whined, and then dropped his head into his hands. "I look, smell, sound, and act like a dog."
"Werewolf," Aegis corrected. "We're like wolves, but we're not. The pack hierarchy is barely even a thing in real wolves; we have this genetic disposition to it."
"What, like you're born to your position? Like you were born to be an Alpha?"
"Exactly." Aegis leaned his massive forearms on his knees. "I have the Alpha gene."
"What's an... Alpha gene? How do you get it?"
"Science doesn't know." With a grunt, Rudy dropped into a chair beside me. "There's a lot we don't understand about werewolves. I mean, sure, we know there's genetics involved, we know something happens on a molecular level that violently changes the host's body from the moment of infection, and we know there's no cure... but the specifics?" He shook his head. "Very complicated. Very strange."
"What's going on with Lawrence?" I asked, frowning. "I don't remember there ever being tension."
Aegis chuckled. "You wouldn't. You didn't exactly sniff that stuff out- or rather, you were the type to go looking for solutions, not trouble."
"I don't understand."
"Lawrence is... unhappy with his place in the pack," Aegis hedged.
"What's that?" Collin interrupted.
"An Omega," I said.
"Science once defined the Omega as the 'lowest ranking member of the pack', but it's more complicated than that in werewolves," Rudy said. "Omegas are the balance to the Alpha and the Beta."
"An Alpha's job is to look out for everyone," Aegis said. "Everyone. I put the pack first, at all times. Their problems supersede my problems."
I frowned. "That doesn't seem fair or healthy."
But he just chuckled. "You're one to talk. It's built into me," he added. "It's also why we take mating so seriously. The balance to an Alpha is his mate, the Luna- the queen, if you like," he added, addressing Collin's confusion. "The pack is made up of a very fine balance."
"An Alpha leads the pack, looks after the good of the many," I said.
"A Luna looks after the good of the Alpha," Aegis continued. "She puts his wellbeing first, fights his need to sacrifice himself for the pack."
"Keeps him alive," Rudy said dryly.
"But what does a Beta do, then?" Collin asked, frowning. "Like, what does Paul do?"
"A Beta keeps the Alpha protected, so he can do his job," I said. "The Beta's best interest is not in the Alpha's well-being, so to speak, but in his ability to think about the pack, and not his own safety. The Luna makes sure he's happy; the Beta makes sure he's protected."
"And the Omega," Aegis continued, "is someone who looks out for everyone else. My duty to the pack means that sometimes, I must make decisions that take into account the good of the many, and not the good of the one," he said. "An Omega's job is to make sure that there are never too many left behind."
"Some packs don't get that," Rudy said sadly. "I've seen that too often, lately. They get lost in power play, and Omegas get hurt. The balance of the pack goes out of whack, and then there's an uprising... and someone dies. Usually a lot of someone's, really."
"Whoa," Collin said, eyes widening. "Is that legal?"
"The country's still trying to figure that out," I said. "It's all very complicated. It's in the werewolf's nature to seek out this balance in the pack; to outlaw it would be to make more trouble than we could probably deal with."
"Pack law is pack law," Rudy said finally. "And then after that, there's a list of very complicated legal caveats."
Collin snorted, finally picking up a piece of meat and stuffing it into his mouth. "No shank yoo, that shoundsh hard."
"Eat, then speak," I scolded, ruffling his hair. "That's why it's good to be in a pack, though. That balance is needed in you, too."
He slowed down, but though he seemed unhappy, he no longer seemed terrified. I guess coming here was worth it, if even just for that, I thought, relieved.
"Uh, oh," Rudy said, pointing. I followed his finger to Lucy, whose head was lolling. "We're losing her already."
"Her bedtime is usually 8:00 at the latest, but it's been a really crazy weekend," I said, putting my plate down. "I can eat late-"
"No, you don't," Aegis grunted, pushing up. He moved over to where Lucy was and crouched in front of her- comical, considering how low he had to crouch to get on her level. "Hey. You want me to carry you?"
Lucy blinked at him, first one eye, and then the other. "Maybe."
"I'm warm."
"'K."
I shook my head, marveling, as Aegis held out his arms and Lucy slipped off her seat, holding up her hands. She was like a tiny, fragile toy in his arms. He scooped her right up and she just laid her head on his shoulder, smiled like she'd just laid down in the world's softest bed, and then collapsed into a sleepy heap.
"Wow," I said, raising my eyebrows. "Do you have any idea how much moms everywhere would pay you to do that?"
"You think I don't already?" Aegis laughed. "Where do you think I learned I could do it at all?"
"I'm going to go over to Dylan," Collin said, pushing up with a sigh. "If I don't stop him, he'll talk Jade into an early grave."
I snickered, watching him wander off toward his chatterbox brother.
Aegis stood and rocked back and forth, watching him go, and I took the opportunity to stuff my face.
"You've done good with them," he said suddenly, turning to look at me. "I can't imagine this was easy."
I tried not to flinch away. I'm going to have to talk about these things eventually. "It wasn't," I said. "But I wasn't alone." I leaned forward. "I can't remember much from that time. There was... a lot going on," I hedged. "But I know Rudy was there. He and his wife, Rosa, helped me with... everything."
I suddenly realized what I'd said, and I looked fearfully at Rudy... but he was completely controlled. Not a reaction in him. He continued to sit peacefully in his seat, as if I'd said nothing out of the ordinary.
Aegis regarded me for a moment, and I wondered what was going through his head. Probably the same thing that's going through everyone else's, I thought, a little bitterly. Questions... and disappointment.
"I know," I said, picking at my food. "I shouldn't have left. I should've stayed."
"I can't say I understand," Aegis said slowly. "None of us knew what was going on. We had no answers. We didn't find out until the funeral. When we learned that you weren't dead, a lot of us assumed that you blamed all werewolves for the loss of your parents."
I looked up in horror. "No! Never!"
"It's why no one went looking for you," Aegis said. "We were afraid you'd be angry. Couldn't even blame you for it."
"I promise I never did!"
"Well, we all know that now," Aegis snorted. "We're not dumb, around here. When you appeared on the news, followed by that press conference from the FBIDWC, we were all able to figure out the reality of things. You don't run off with a couple of possible werewolves to raise them and keep them safe, if you're harboring werewolf hate- and you most definitely don't get pissed off at the media for hounding your werewolf kid if you've got those kinds of feelings."
I looked down at my plate. "Brittani's right, you know. I really am not all that much, Aegis. I've changed a lot, and sooner or later, you'll all realize you've been duped. I'm a terrible friend, and I'm a terrible person, and I'm a terrible-"
My throat tightened, and I blinked. I couldn't go past that. Tears lodged in my throat, blocking out what I wanted to say.
I'm a terrible mother.
"Sylvia," Aegis said, and I looked up at him. He was, surprisingly, annoyed. "So help me God, you are none of those things, and I will prove it to you."
I smirked. "I'm not part of the Pack, Aegis. You don't have to take on my burdens, too."
"Last I checked," he grumbled, amber eyes flashing, "I'm the Alpha. Not you. I decide who to look after, and you just deal with it."
I rolled my eyes. "Pushy-ass Alpha."
"No swearing in front of your kid."
"She's dead asleep, she's about a billion miles away from here. She won't hear anything."
He raised a bushy eyebrow. "Drop-dead gorgeous, huh?"
My whole face turned scarlet, and I scowled at him. "Don't you go bringing that back up! What about what Paul said?"
"I'll own that. You are beautiful, if just a little tired. Some time back home will fix that, though," he added. He shifted Lucy's weight slightly. "I'll be back in a moment. I'd better do a quick round, make sure everything's okay, or they'll all start accusing me of favoritism. I'll keep her warm."
I shook my head, watching him go. "I don't remember him being so pushy," I muttered.
"That," Rudy said, leaning forward and chuckling, "is because he's in love with you."
I gave him a dirty look. "Don't you go meddling, sir, that is not true and you know it."
"You can think whatever you like, but I'll enjoy watching you be wrong."
"Aegis has never liked me," I said, snorting. "It was the other way around. I liked him growing up. Everyone knew it."
"And he's waited all this time," Rudy commented, rubbing his chin and grinning. "Not a Luna in sight. Interesting."
"Rudy, I'm serious. Don't go there."
"I'm just saying, you would be hard pressed to do better than an Alpha like him."
I rolled my eyes, throwing my hands up. "Would you advise your daughter to date an Alpha?"
That smile disappeared, and I watched the light go out in his eyes. He sat there for several seconds and didn't say anything, and I realized he was holding his breath.
"Rudy?" I said, all my exasperation disappearing. "Rudy, seriously, what's going on? Why... why are you here?" Why aren't you going home?
It was a long moment before he answered. "You don't need my burdens on top of yours," he said, and he suddenly looked and sounded a hundred years older. "I'm old."
"If you're old, then Lucy's a werewolf."
He glanced at me. "I've seen too much in my life, Sylvia."
"Please... please tell me?" I said. "Please let me help you."
But Rudy shook his head and pushed up. "You can't ask me to do something you're not willing to do yourself," he rasped, before turning and walking slowly off through the crowd.