Hot Chocolate
Rudy left me with food for thought, but they weren't easy thoughts.
As the moon steadily climbed its way up the darkening sky, more and more werewolves gave in to the mounting desire to shift, and happy howls began to fill the night air. In a testament to just how exhausting uprooting our entire lives had been, Lucy slept through everything. Aegis ignored my repeated offers to relieve him of her, and to my relief, stayed close at hand, so I could keep an eye on her.
It felt strange, to suddenly feel like I wasn't alone... but there was also this disconnected feeling of being lost. Like having a safety net that I knew was sturdy, but still feeling like I didn't deserve it, or couldn't trust it. I mused over it, staring into the fire for much longer than I meant to.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I looked up to see Ivy dropping into a lawn chair next to me. She was snuggling deep into her jacket as the air chilled, and there was a cup of something steaming in her hands.
Rudy's words echoed at the back of my mind, and I tried to shove down that desire to shut her out. "I don't even know where to start," I said, before glancing up toward the twins. A group of kids close to their age had drifted over in the direction of the bonfire, and Dylan was leading what looked like a rousing discussion about video games. Collin watched their future classmates intently, a sudden quiet that I wasn't used to seeing from him.
I couldn't help but worry about him.
"How does it really feel to be back here?" Ivy asked, looking pensively into the fire herself. "Like, really."
I blew up through my hair. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Nothing. I just want you to tell me the truth." Ivy frowned at me. "You keep acting like you're walking on eggshells, you know that? It's wigging me out. What did you go through to make you so..." She considered me for a moment. "So... withdrawn?"
I snorted. "I really don't know where to start. It's been a really hard ten years."
"It didn't have to be."
I felt my hands tighten, clasped together. "Ivy..."
"Sorry." She held up her hands. "When you're ready... I didn't mean to... but- I mean, what was it like... living away from here? Big city, and all that."
"Not what I'd hoped it would be, that's for sure," I said, struggling to keep from shutting down. "I've been job hopping for a long time. Anything I could get that would keep food on the table. No time for college, so it's been mostly data entry, organizing, front desk management... that sort of thing."
"Ugh. You're a stronger girl than me, taking those kinds of jobs repeatedly. And by choice."
"You've got no idea. I feel like that sort of job just attracts the worst kinds of people. Power tripping was the norm."
"Ew," Ivy moaned. "God, I hate that. So many people in law enforcement have that going on. Sometimes, I have to deal with other precincts, and man, it is a challenge. They get so weird about jurisdictions and all that stupid garbage." She huffed, eyes fiery. "Working as a cop, I can suddenly see why shit like the Zodiac Killer went the way it did."
I laughed, confused. "What? What are you talking about?"
"Oh, come on, you can't be telling me you don't listen to serial killer stuff! Every woman coming into her thirties does!"
"You think I have time for TV shows?"
"Podcasts! There are podcasts and audio books!"
"You think I had time for podcasts and audio books?! And you think, if I did have time, that I'd spend it listening to real stories about murderers?!"
We dissolved into laughter together, and for a beautiful, brief moment, it felt like old times. When we were able to catch our breath again, I looked at her and, after a moment of hesitation, I asked one of the questions I felt was at the top of the iceberg between us.
"Why did you choose law enforcement?"
Ivy's smile faded, and she looked down into her cup for a moment. Her dark eyes seemed to grow darker, and I had this sudden realization that maybe, I wasn't the only one who had been to hell and back this past decade.
"Marcus is dead."
I stared at her, and then a wave of guilt and shock and horror crashed over me. Marcus was Ivy's brother. I hadn't asked at all about her family since getting here. I hadn't asked about anyone.
"Ivy," I whispered, staring at her. I wanted to touch her, to grab her in a hug, but my hands felt like blocks of ice.
"It was humans," she said, staring straight ahead. "Just a bunch of stupid humans, doing stupid shit. Local law enforcement dropped the ball on the case, and the people that did it walked away, scot-free."
I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I felt my chest go tight. I felt terrible. I should have been there.
"I was so mad," Ivy continued. "I knew who did it. We all did, some stupid kids from one of the other two territories. They thought it would be funny to act out some kind of... terf war, or something. I thought about just... I dunno, taking them out, but that didn't seem to fix the problem. So I... became a cop."
"I'm so... so sorry," I said.
Ivy just shook her head. "I was mad, you know. At you."
"...I'm not surprised."
"I was so alone. I couldn't understand why you weren't here. I was going through this all by myself. My parents fell apart- you know Marcus was their star." She looked up. "He had everything going for him, and then he was gone. That was... a dark place for all of us."
"Are they... all right?"
"Mom never got over it. Dad's healing. He's proud of me." Her smile flickered. "He says Marcus would've been shocked and proud, too."
"I should have been there," I said, which... was just an empty platitude.
"This happened about two years after you took off," Ivy said. "I was aimless. I didn't know what to do. I'd thought I'd lost my best friend in the whole world, then I discovered you were still alive, and then I was pissed that you'd just... left. Didn't even say good-bye. I didn't get it. I didn't get it for a long time after Marcus, either, because with him gone, all I wanted was for my best friend to be there with me. I didn't want to be alone, so... why did you?"
There were too many words. They tumbled around and got lodged in my throat, making a blockade. I looked down at my hands, trying to keep traitor tears I didn't deserve to cry from spilling.
"But, you know... I'm not really mad... anymore."
I looked up in disbelief. "What?"
"When I lost Marcus," Ivy said, "I avoided the place where he was shot like the plague. After a while, I reasoned that maybe... that's what you were doing."
I swallowed and looked down. "That... was... a big part of it." That fear that I hadn't felt in a long time, primal and terrifying and angry, started to rear its big ugly head in my chest.
Not right now. Please, not right now.
"Yeah." Ivy blew out through her mouth, and I heard her voice shake. "God, though, I wish you were there. And I was mad, because I couldn't be there for you when you lost everyone, and I couldn't grieve their loss with you, and then I was all alone..."
"I'm sorry, Ivy."
We sat for a long while, staring into the fire. Ivy drank from her cup, grimaced, and held it out. "Ugh. Hot chocolate got cold."
"Hot chocolate sounds kind of awesome," I said, wiping furiously at my face. "I can go get you another-"
"Here."
We looked up, startled, to see Rudy standing there, cups in his hands. One for Ivy, one for me. He smiled apologetically. "Don't thank me. It was Aegis's idea. I was just eavesdropping."
"You FBI Agents gotta stick your noses into everything," Ivy grunted, but it was good natured. She accepted the hot chocolate. "How long are you staying, old man?"
"I want to see them get settled in," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I want to see things through."
Alarm bells went off in my head, and I frowned at him. He avoided my gaze.
"Well," Ivy said, pushing up. "I won't drop any more heavy bombs for the night. I'm going to go check up on Jade."
"Yeah," I said, watching her go.
She'd said she wasn't mad at me, but I knew we still weren't... good. She needed my half of the story, and I was a coward for not giving it, after she'd given me hers.
God, I was so stupid. I was so worked up about my own problems that I'd completely forgotten that ten years hadn't just passed for me, but for everyone. I hadn't asked a damned person here about their world, their lives, their pasts.
"Mom?" Dylan and Collin appeared at my side, both of them yawning. "Do we have to stay till midnight?"
"No, baby," I said, pushing up. "Lucy's already out. I can grab Aegis, if you guys want to get going."
"Yeah." Collin yawned again, his topmost ears flattening. "I don't think I can make it."
Like magic, Aegis appeared, Lucy still conked out on his shoulder.
"There will be more bonfires," he said. "Your family is always welcome, whether you have a verbal invitation or not. I will walk you back to your car."
"Just in case that crazy lady's waiting for us," Dylan muttered.
"Brittani's not that unhinged," I snorted. I paused. "Is she?"
Aegis gave a low rumble for a laugh. "No. I don't believe so, anyway. I don't think she'd do anything."
"You guys leaving?" Ivy and Jade made their way over to us. "We'll walk you back, too."
"You guys are starting to make me think there are axe murderers here in the woods."
"What?" Dylan's eyes widened. "Is there?"
"No," Ivy scoffed. "Not anymore, anyway."
The walk back to the car took longer than expected, because we were stopped every few feet as people enthusiastically waved good-bye and gave hugs. Many, I didn't immediately recognize. It was like drowning in confused, yet happy feelings all the way back to the parking lot.
Somehow, Aegis fell into step beside me, and it was him who helped me with shocking expertise on getting Lucy into the car without waking her. Collin and Dylan slid in on the other side, and they were beginning to blink almost as heavily as Lucy had.
"I think I'll drive," Rudy commented, right after I added my own yawn to the performance. "I'm used to all-nighters."
"I'm glad you came," Ivy said, giving me a tight hug.
"Me, too." I hugged her back. "I'm sorry."
"The past is in the past." Ivy pulled back and gave me a tentative grin. "The future is what's important."
I nodded, watching her and Jade turn to head back toward the party.
"I'm glad you two talked."
I looked up at Aegis. "We didn't cover everything."
"That's not what's important. What matters is that you started."
I heaved a sigh and rubbed my hand over my face. "One more day, and then life starts for us, for real."
"You will all be all right." Aegis turned to look at me with his enormous, lupine head. "You are here, now. That's what matters."
I reached up and lightly thumped him on the shoulder. "You always were too good with words, big guy. Keep it up, and a girl could misunderstand you."
Aegis snorted. "No one is misunderstanding anything."
He backed up to give us space, and I ducked into the car, trying to work that one out in my confusion. Does that mean he knows I know he doesn't mean it? That I know that he doesn't like me that way?
I glanced at Rudy in the driver's seat, and he just hummed, looking far too innocent.
"Oh, don't you even, Old Man."
"I didn't say anything."
"You're projecting your thoughts at me loudly."
"Telepathy isn't a thing, Sylvia."
"If werewolves are real, then mind-reading isn't all that farfetched."
"Whatever you say," he said, and with a chuckle, he backed out and started us all home.