Chapter Twenty-Three #3
I want you to kiss me. I want you to carry me off this mountain and take me back to the guest room. I want to rewind the clocks and never track you down in that hallway to say what I did. I want so many things from our past to be different. I want I want I want I want…
I don’t want to go back down a road that’s only going to lead to hurt. To being my mother. To being brokenhearted and alone. That much I know.
“I want us to finish this hike.” My answer is like a douse of cold water on whatever flame is sparking between us, fizzling it out in a sharp tang of smoke. Tyler steps back from me as if the wisps sting across his face, eyes flashing with hurt.
He shakes his head, defiant. “No.” His voice comes out hoarse. “You want me to be more like Jack. More responsible, my life more thought out. I can do that, Ol. I can work on that—”
I fight the urge to reach out to him, my feet rooted in place.
“I don’t want you to be more like Jack. I don’t want you to be like Jack at all.
” If there’s one thing Tyler takes away from this conversation, I hope it’s this.
“I would never want you to change exactly who you are. And that’s why it’s not a good idea to jump back into something.
Not now. Nothing has changed, and it shouldn’t have to.
You’re not a bad person. Or a wrong person, for not wanting to do life the way I do. ”
He scoffs, bitterness lacing his words. “Let me guess. Just the wrong person for you, right?”
I guess I deserved that. “Tyler,” I whisper, hearing the hurt cracking in my own voice.
“You have no idea how I feel right now. But the facts are the facts—there are differences between us that we can’t change.
” Differences that still feel like an ocean or a canyon that we won’t ever be able to cross, no matter how much we may want to.
No matter how many times we jump off cliffs together or hike volcanic mountains or try local delicacies, the core of who we are doesn’t change.
That can’t be faked. There are so many glossy magazine articles about finding The One or taking a chance and going on dates, but the mainstream media has significantly less advice on what to do if the person who feels like The One is someone you can’t actually be with, whose priorities don’t align with yours.
Just like it’s not easy for Tyler to suddenly shift his entire personality to be more responsible and future-oriented, how am I supposed to let go of the constant fear clawing at my throat of ending up alone?
Of sitting on the same couch with my mother for the rest of my life, wallowing in our loneliness, getting our hopes up only to be let down again and again and again?
It’s a future so bleak that no fiber of my being thinks taking a chance on love is worth it.
Not with someone whose philosophy on life is the total opposite of mine.
We were destined to fail from the beginning—but our hearts refuse to get the message.
Tyler’s eyes are swimming in pain as he drops his hand from my waist and steps back, stung. “Why does it feel like we’re doing this all over again?”
And he’s right, I know he is. We’re back in that hallway, two people with feelings for each other that can’t surmount the circumstances surrounding them.
But shit, I severely underestimated how badly it would hurt the second time around.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry.
” And this is exactly why I wanted to continue the hike.
To escape any chance of having to feel this brokenhearted misery again, and to know that it’s all my fault for setting it into motion.
Tyler shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair, thinking.
After a second, he sighs in defeat and looks back up at me, eyes still hurting but a new determination shining in them.
“Listen. It’s no secret that I still want to be with you, but…
I respect your decision.” The words are like shards of glass piercing his mouth as he says them.
“I lost you once, and I’m not going to lose you again.
I’d rather have you here as my friend than not have you here at all. ”
It doesn’t quite sound like he believes it.
“Thank you.” My voice is as shaky as my legs and heart feel, but I force myself to take my own step back and gather my thoughts.
A few seconds pass with nothing but the sound of the wind whipping down the hills and my heart slowing to a semi-normal rhythm.
Tyler stands there for another second, visibly collecting himself, before the light slightly returns to his eyes and he slides his backpack strap up higher on his shoulder.
“Ready to head back?” His voice is chipper again, if a little hoarse, but my heart floods with gratitude at his effort to keep things comfortable. Which is why I find myself straightening my back and doing the same.
And I smile at that, even though I know it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. “Sounds good. Let’s do it.”