Chapter Twenty-Four #2
“Getting back together isn’t an option.” Tyler groans and puts his head in his hands, shaking it for a few seconds.
“I know that. She doesn’t want us to be together, no matter how much I may want it.
I think the thing I’m struggling with is whether to stay friends after she gets on that plane.
” And even though he’s putting a voice to a personal fear that’s been rattling me since that conversation on the trail, hearing it out loud feels new and fresh and even scarier.
It feels like I just got Tyler back in my life—but does it really only have to be for a few more hours?
There’s one second of silence while Lucas swallows another sip of his beer, looking thoughtful. After a minute, he clears his throat and lobs one careful question at his brother. “Do you still love her?”
Tyler doesn’t even hesitate with his answer, shrugging helplessly.
“I never stopped loving her, Lucas. I love her as much now as I did when we were younger, if not more. I even tried to take that stupid online accounting course that you helped me with last year, but even your genius skills couldn’t keep me from flunking.
It’s not going to work.” His words hit me like a snowball aimed right at my chest, a shock of cold followed by a dull warmth in the muscles from the impact.
He never stopped loving me. And he tried to change. He tried to win me back.
He even took a damn accounting course for me. Last year. Which is exactly the type of selfless thing that Tyler would do, and Jack never would. The revelation stops me cold, and it feels like every cell in my body is hanging on the precipice of the China Walls cliffs, waiting for my next move.
And they’re going to have to wait a whole lot longer, because I’m not even sure of the answer myself.
Did I ever stop loving Tyler? Maybe a few days ago I’d say yes, but I don’t really think that’s the case now. Not that I’d know—the past day has been such an emotional whirlwind that it feels a little difficult to tell up from down right about now.
A chair creaking breaks me out of my thoughts and I look at the brothers, where Lucas is leaning his chair back on two legs in the same way their mother used to scold them for whenever I was over for dinner.
“Love is a big factor here, for sure. But it isn’t the only factor.
That’s not something you can really ignore. ”
“She doesn’t think I’m good enough. There’s a reason she doesn’t think we’re compatible, and I’m pretty sure that’s it.” The glumness in Tyler’s voice hits me so hard that my knees nearly buckle.
Lucas sighs. “That’s not true. She doesn’t think you’re mature or stable enough. That’s not the same thing.”
“But don’t opposites attract?” There’s a hope in Tyler’s voice that makes my own heart feel a little sad.
“You and Ella aren’t the same person at all, and look at your marriage.
Your family. Your life.” He sweeps his hand around the kitchen to indicate everything Lucas has that he wants.
Everything I want more than anything else in the whole world.
Love. Safety. Security. A family. A steady job.
Lucas chews on this for a moment before presenting his answer.
“I guess you have to decide if your differences are something that brings out the best in each other, or something that brings out the worst. I think that’s why some people who are majorly different survive in their relationships and others don’t. ”
“But what if I make the changes she wants from me? I can try again. I can think of something better this time.” Tyler’s practically pleading now, fingers tracing fast routes on the place mats and begging his brother for the easy answer that nobody has.
“She says she doesn’t want me to change for her, but maybe that’s what we need to be together.
Maybe if I take a different class, or find an online tutor—”
At least on this Lucas and I seem to agree, because he sighs again. “You know that isn’t the right answer, Ty. I know you know that. You may be eager, but you’re certainly not dumb.”
“You’re right,” he grumbles in defeat. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach only being friends with her, even if it’s just for a few more months before we graduate and go off on our own. But I also don’t know if I can go back to existing like I did when she wasn’t a part of my life.”
“Only you know what the right decision is. None of the rest of us can give that to you. But the most important thing is you have to let her take the lead, because whatever will happen will either happen or not, but not if you force it.” He socks him on the arm.
“But first things first, you have to get to bed so you can drive that ex-girlfriend of yours back to the airport so she can fly away from you.”
Tyler stands up and gives Lucas one of those signature bro hugs where they pat each other on the back, before heading off to the den to crash on the couch (which I still feel guilty about).
I turn on my heel and am about to tiptoe quietly back down the carpeted hallway toward the guest room when Lucas’s low voice rings out behind me, deep and quiet, and I just feel that it’s directed solely at me.
“Just go easy on him, okay? It feels like he’s just now starting to adjust to life without you in the center of his orbit.
Just…please. Don’t make him go through that again.
” For a second, I think he sounds a little choked up, but he masks it with a cough and another sip of beer.
Face burning red even though I’m still in the hallway, I feel the pressure and embarrassment of being seen, and so I scurry back to the guest room and bury my head in the pillow, begging sleep to come to end the mortification.
Oh god. He totally knew I was there the whole time—clearly I can’t add sleuth as a potential career path of mine.
Tyler Ferris still loves me, despite everything that happened in our past. Despite everything that happened today. And sure, maybe he hasn’t changed, and maybe he’s still that funny, adventurous boy who first caught my eye in Suburban Slices on a hot summer day all those years ago.
But, I think, mind swirling with the possibility of another future, is that really a bad thing?
My heart, still fluttering with excited butterflies upon hearing Tyler’s declaration of love for me, is trying to tell me that it isn’t.
That maybe Tyler as he is now is the Tyler I’m meant to be with after all.
But my brain believes it knows better, as always.
So as much as I want to go race down the hall and into the den and fling myself into Tyler’s arms, I resign myself to the sinking feeling that it just isn’t in the cards for us.
That I have to be practical, and not only think with my heart.
Because if there’s anything I’ve learned from my mother, it’s that thinking with your heart only gets you hurt.
If Delia and I were still friends, she’d tell me I was being a coward or a chickenshit or a dummy. If she were here right now, she’d probably knock me upside the head with a pillow and reiterate that I was acting like all three.
The dark haze of sleep is threatening to blur my vision, but all I can think about is my conversation with my mother.
You have to follow your heart, pea. It’s the only way you’re ever going to be happy.
What if my heart wants what my brain has been going against all this time? What if it’s the worst idea in the cosmic universe, because Tyler and I were never destined to be a match? What if I get my heart broken again?
Staring up at the ceiling in the inky black room, I’m startled more by that question than anything else.
And not because I’m worried about getting my heart broken—but because there’s a feeling stirring in my gut that I can’t deny, no matter how hard I try to.
If I get my heart broken by Tyler, I won’t even care.
I’ll be grateful for every single second leading up to that moment.
Oh no. This is bad. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to force sleep to come, but all that’s playing on the undersides of my eyelids is a highlight reel of our day together.
Tyler’s cheeky grin at the Rainbow Drive-In, a smear of loco moco egg yolk in the corner of his mouth.
The feeling of the ocean rushing up to greet me at China Walls, and the cool tingle of the water as we meet.
The taste of raspberry-and-vanilla-flavored carbonation dancing on my tongue at the soda stand on the North Shore.
Holding Mele. Watching Tyler hold Mele. The Hawaiian pulled pork sliders still warming my belly.
The breathtaking awe of Diamond Head’s summit.
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. All of the best parts of this day surrounding Tyler.
Not a single thought to Jack or any of what came before that Jeep pulled up next to the sprawling tree on the University of Hawai?i campus.
My heart knowing something that my brain hasn’t quite caught up to yet, trying to give me signs with the butterflies and stomach swoops and all of the relentless blushing.
Unplanned as it might be, maybe Tyler really was the right fit for me after all, even after all this time.
Well, shit.
I think I’m falling in love with Tyler Ferris again.
If I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t think I ever stopped.