Chapter 8
Sebastian: So, God, where to start? I’ve told you about the habit AJ and I got into, of having tea and biscuits and chatting about insignificant things.
Once Lou arrived on the scene, he’d join us too.
Apart from that time when Pea walked in, nobody knew about it, I don’t think.
Everyone else was so busy trying to keep things running smoothly, or as smoothly as possible, the whole time AJ was staying.
And like I said, AJ liked that I had zero interest in his singing and his fame and all of that.
It was like he got to have a break from being AJ Silver.
But then, after the first few times, he started opening up to me more and more.
I wasn’t used to that, and I found it quite uncomfortable, but I didn’t know how to tell him that.
Not because he was AJ Silver. Just because he was a person, I guess.
I’ve never been great at interpersonal relationships.
So he started telling me about how hard it was to spend all this time travelling but not being able to explore anywhere properly, that he felt like a caged animal.
I remember saying that I imagined the money helped a bit, and he laughed.
He said, ‘I like you. You’re not like the others.
’ Now, I’d been a bit of a loner, a bit of a weirdo, my whole life, and I was used to being bullied and teased.
What I wasn’t used to was people making it out to be a good thing.
I got the biscuit tin out. Put the kettle on again.
I wouldn’t have wanted to admit it at the time, or even really known how to express it, but there was something about him that I liked.
He liked me because I wouldn’t let him do or say whatever he wanted.
I called him out on stuff, if he was out of line.
And I liked him because he took an interest in me, at a time when no one else really did.
He hated my dad, too, and although I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t see past my anger with him back then, so that was another thing that sort of held us together.
He talked a lot about how fame wasn’t what he’d thought it would be, how he hadn’t known what he was getting himself into.
And how there was no way out. He talked about how pushy his mum was, that it was more her dream than his.
He said that even if he stopped performing and recording, they’d still follow him around for the rest of his life.
The paparazzi, he meant. I said he had a pretty high opinion of himself and that I thought they’d maybe get bored after a year or two, and he really laughed at that.
I can picture him there, at the kitchen table, dunking a digestive biscuit and his face all twisted with laughter.
He was just a kid, at the end of the day, wasn’t he? He was out of his depth.
I don’t remember when he first said he sometimes thought about ending things.
That made me sit up and pay attention. Was he admitting to feeling suicidal?
And if he was, what the hell was I going to do about it?
I knew nothing about mental health. It wasn’t a buzzword like it is now.
I was out of my depth, too. But he must have seen my reaction because he clarified – he didn’t want to take his life.
But he wouldn’t mind it if people thought he’d died.
Because then he’d be free, and he could escape.
I asked where he’d go, and he shrugged. Asked if I’d heard his song ‘Island’.
I hadn’t. He said maybe he’d go to some of those places that he’d been to on tour but never seen.
It’s obvious now that he had the bones of the plan ready, even then.
Him and Lou must have been working away at it, getting the money ready over months and months.
He wasn’t going to tell me where he was going, because he wasn’t going to tell anyone that.
I don’t remember quite how it went from this fantasy he talked about to an actual plan, but it happened pretty fast. He said he needed to ‘go’ in a dramatic, public way for people to believe it.
It couldn’t be something ‘boring like an overdose’.
Those were his words. He said he’d thought a lot about the logistics of it, that his private doctor would be on the scene and would insist on him being taken away in a private ambulance, that Lou would help him sort out the money for him to live on and pay off anyone who’d been involved, but he needed someone on the inside.
And that was me. He started talking about the 360, about the accident that had happened before he came.
I put my hands up. I said that if people believed someone had died on one of our rides, my parents could go to prison.
And he nodded. He kept looking at me. It was eerie.
He must have blinked but he didn’t once look away.
He said, ‘Could you live with that, Sebastian? How about if you had a couple of million pounds to sweeten the deal?’
Dad and I were at loggerheads, had been for months, because he wanted me to work alongside him at the park, ready to take it over one day, and I didn’t want to.
I was young, and angry, and stupid. And I knew what that kind of money could do.
So I said yes, I’d do it. I’d help him. And I told him about the engineer coming out after that accident, how I’d seen what had gone wrong with the wiring and could replicate it.
From then on, those daily cups of tea were like military operations.
Lou always there, looking on and interjecting occasionally.
He was clearly AJ’s right-hand man. Later still, the bodyguard started to join us.
Lucian. He was in on it, too. We had our heads down, running through scenarios.
I had to identify a day when I could cover the operation of the ride.
Dr Haskins had to be nearby. We had to make sure he was the only one in the carriage that crashed.
And we had to somehow find or make a dummy that could be mistaken for him.
I didn’t think it would work, if I’m honest. I said that to him more than once.
And I’m pretty sure he was doubtful too.
He said that if it all went wrong, he’d pretend it was just a prank.
That’s what I honestly thought would happen.
But I got caught up in it. I remember asking about his family.
Could he cope with his mum thinking he was dead?
He said that he’d get in touch with them once the initial craziness had died down.
He never did, though. And I’ve wrestled for years with whether or not I should come clean.
One night, I woke up in the early hours with a thought. Dad had these life-size dummies that were used when a ride was new, to test it out before people went on it. He’d used them when we first got the 360, and then again after the accident. I knew where he kept them, too.
The night before AJ’s Manchester show, we met after dark in front of the office – AJ, Lou, Lucian and me – and I let us in with the keys I’d taken from the hallway table.
My hands were shaking. AJ had this little silver flask that he was swigging from, and he held it out to me once we were inside.
I took it. Whisky. I’ve never liked the taste of it, but I had a slug of it to calm me.
In the corner, behind the filing cabinets, there was a box.
I pulled it out, ripped off the tape. And inside, there they were.
Two dummies. AJ had brought this bag and he upended it on the desk.
There were clothes inside. He took one of the dummies and dressed it as him.
Oversized T-shirt, baggy jeans. He’d even got a wig from somewhere.
I think that was the moment when I realised that he was serious about this.
Part of me had thought it was just something he was toying with, but that night it felt like a line was crossed.
It wasn’t too late to back out, but I was definitely swept up in it.
Curious about whether it could work. When he offered the flask again, I took it.
I wanted to numb things, and I knew that’s what alcohol could do.
I wanted to pretend it was all a game. Because there was something in AJ’s eyes that night.
I’ll never forget it. It was like desperation.
And I knew he was going to do it, and I was going to be part of it, and our lives would never be the same again.
We both went into the park. I had a torch to light our way to the 360 and a screwdriver in my pocket.
I went into the little booth. AJ followed me in, watched me as I unscrewed the override button’s casing and pulled off the plastic tubing the engineer had put in place to hold the wires together after the accident.
I pulled them apart. Screwed the casing back on.
Then I hid the dummy in the footwell of one of the empty carriages.
On the walk back, I told him that no one else could go on the thing until he was ready to do it. I made him promise.
Danny: Can you tell us about the day itself?
Sebastian: Sure. Once I told AJ that I was going to be covering for Simon, he decided that was the day.
He was going to suggest going on the 360 at some point in the afternoon, which wouldn’t have been unusual, and then I told him about the challenge and said I’d bring it up.
He said that his doctor, Haskins, would give him fast-acting laxatives to put in the others’ food so it would end up just being him and Lucian for the 360 part of it.
He was like a puppet master. All of them just did what he said.
When they were ready to go on the ride, it was a bit chaotic, with Pea and Alex hanging around, and Dad too.