Chapter 8 #3
After Zak visited, I started going back there sometimes.
Parking in the empty car park and sneaking in through that side gate.
It’s eerie, when a place should be full of life and people and, in particular, children, and it’s dead silent.
But I still loved it. It still brought me comfort.
I tried taking Dad there once. After he got sober, he was generally more even and content, but he would have these black periods.
Depression, I guess. And during one of them, about five years ago now, I revealed that I’d been spending time at Wildworld and asked if he wanted to come along.
He did, but it wasn’t the right thing for him, looking back.
For whatever reason, I could be there and think of all the happiness the place had brought me, but for him it was the opposite.
He was tense the whole time we were on the site, and I saw him physically relax as we drove away afterwards.
It just goes to show that people have their different ways of healing, of coping.
And I know, deep down, that being back at Wildworld will be the best thing for me.
Sebastian says he’ll join me there as Assistant Manager, but that I’ll be in charge.
I like the idea of working with him, too.
We’ve never been particularly close, but perhaps it’s not too late. I feel lucky, hopeful.
Danny: So I know I’m not the only one who wants to know what happened to Pea and Zak after that last meeting?
Zak: After that visit, I knew for sure that I wanted to be with Pea.
So I ended my relationship and started going back and forth as much as my income and annual leave allowed, which wasn’t a great deal.
For about three more visits, we kept up the pretence that we were just old friends going over our shared history.
And then one day, she turned up at the airport to pick me up and she kissed me, right there in the arrivals hall.
She kissed me like we’d never been apart.
I liked that, that she didn’t insist on having a big discussion about it.
We just picked up where we left off, after a gap of more than thirteen years.
But of course, we weren’t the same people we’d been as teenagers.
I was worried that it would fade out after the initial excitement of being back together, but it never did. Never has.
Pea: My relationship with Zak is the one good thing to come out of this whole mess.
He lost a brother, and my family fell apart and lost its roots, its centre, and we can’t change any of that.
But if none of it had ever happened, we wouldn’t be together.
Wouldn’t ever have met. And I don’t know where I’d be.
I mean, none of us do. But the thought of being without him again now makes me feel panicky, like I can’t breathe.
We got married ten years ago, and last year, after we’d all but given up, we had our rainbow baby, Rose.
Before Zak reappeared in my life, I’d decided I didn’t think I would end up having children.
The relationships I had after Zak – and before Zak, if you see what I mean – were fine but they all came up short.
There was no one I could envisage starting a family with.
I used to chastise myself for the fact that the only man I’d been able to imagine settling down and having children with was my first love, from when I was sixteen.
I thought I was misremembering it all, giving it more weight than it deserved.
I believed that I was just young and stupid.
But that’s not right. I know that now. It was just so good with Zak that I wasn’t prepared to settle for something less. And thank God I didn’t.
Zak: Becoming a father is really something.
Rose just turned one and she’s right on the edge of walking.
She can do it if she’s holding on to furniture, or if she’s holding someone’s hand or even just a finger, but she hasn’t quite worked up the courage to let go and just go for it.
I’m not worried or anything. I know this is how it works, and that she will do it in her own time.
But just watching her, being there to catch her, feels a lot like a metaphor for the whole parenting experience.
You do all you can but there’s so much they have to do for themselves, and all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if necessary.
The love is immeasurable. Here’s this person who didn’t exist a couple of years ago and I know, without question, that I would die for her.
Pea and I send each other photos of her all day long.
Early on, we used to send a message with the photo, but it always read something along the lines of ‘Look at this incredible human being we made’ so we stopped bothering after a while.
Now we just send the photos, one after another.
I’m ready to have another one as soon as Pea is.
Pea: Of course Zak is ready for another one.
If we’re able to, we definitely will. I don’t like to think about not having had Rose.
Sometimes, I dwell a bit on the fact that if that story hadn’t come out, if Nicole Waddington hadn’t needed money and gone to the press with a bit of fabricated scandal, Zak wouldn’t have come here, and we wouldn’t have got back together, and we wouldn’t have Rose.
It makes me so scared I end up freezing and not being able to do anything for a minute or two.
That’s the power of thought. I try to remind myself how lucky I am, how lucky we are.
And if Uncle AJ ever wants to pay a visit to his niece, the door is open.
Danny: I do love a happy ending. But let’s not forget two of the other main players in this whole thing. How have Cathy and John reacted to Sebastian’s bombshell?
John: If you’d come to me with this information from Sebastian at the outset, I wouldn’t have agreed to do the podcast. But here we are, having trawled through the wreckage of my life, and I feel like things would be unfinished if I didn’t respond.
When I heard what Sebastian said at the end of the last episode, it sent me into a spin.
AJ Silver – not dead? Did I lose everything over nothing?
Was my demise just a cog in the wheel of his escape from the limelight – from the fame he’d courted?
And did my only son really assist with that?
I was listening in my flat, sitting at the table where I eat my meals, and I got up, went to the sink, and I was physically sick. So yeah, that was my initial reaction.
I’ve had time to think about it now, of course.
It pains me that Sebastian hated me enough to do that to me.
That our family business and our relationships meant so little to him.
But one thing I’ve learned since getting sober is that when people do something malicious to you, there’s usually a good reason.
So I sat with it, and thought about what his reasons might have been.
We’d clashed over his career plans, of course.
He was becoming a man, learning all that that entails, and he’d obviously looked at the male role model in his life and found me wanting.
And I was wanting, I was. I was an alcoholic.
Cathy: I don’t know what to think. I called Sebastian the day after the last episode aired and just burst into tears.
We talked for a long time about whether it was true and why he did it.
For what it’s worth, I believe him. And I forgive him, too.
He was young, and he made a mistake. One thing he said that’s been playing on repeat in my head for the past week is that he thinks he put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage to John.
It was easy to reassure him on that point.
Everything that happened culminated in me walking out with the kids, because I was worried for our safety, but that marriage had been dead for a long time.
If there’d been no AJ Silver, or the visit from AJ Silver had gone well, or any other scenario you can think of, we’d still be divorced.
He seemed relieved to hear that. I guess it’s a worry he’s been carrying around for a long time, and he was finally able to put it down.
I’m in a good place now. When I first left John, it felt like I was drowning, financially.
But after Sebastian gave me that chunk of money to get us on our feet, I was able to start saving, and after the kids left home I was in a position to buy a flat for myself.
It’s just a small one, two bedrooms, but it suits me.
I’ve made it home. I’ve got a cat. Dexter.
I’ve been on a few dates, over the years, had a few short relationships, but nothing that’s stuck.
I don’t know why that is. I used to worry about it, about the prospect of being alone forever, but I’ve got used to it now.
There’s something quite freeing about only pleasing yourself.
I have an admin job at a nearby university.
I like being around the students and the academics, like the buzz of it, the sense of possibility.
I’m even taking a course there, which I can do for free as a perk of the job.
It’s an English Literature module, a Shakespeare one.
When I was growing up, I didn’t even consider going to university, but I think I would if I was young now.
So why not? There’s no pressure to do a whole degree, but I might.
For now, I’m enjoying getting lost in worlds a long way from my own, reading beautiful words aloud when I’m alone in my flat, Dexter at my feet.
I think a lot about life, about what it’s really for.
What matters. Maybe everything that happened was supposed to happen because it brought Pea and Zak together.
It allowed for Rose to exist. And Rose is pure joy.
I was as shocked as anyone when Pea told me he was back on the scene, but I can see now that they’re perfect for each other.
When she was a teenager, I was just trying to protect her, so I didn’t stop to notice.
I look after Rose when I can to give them a break.
Sometimes I read my university texts aloud to her.
She just gazes up at me, adoring, not caring what the words say.
Just taking comfort from the sound of the voice of someone who loves her.
John: I haven’t given up on Sebastian, no.
You don’t give up on your children. We’ll talk, when we’re both ready.
I don’t want our relationship to be defined by something he did when he was barely an adult.
As for opening up Wildworld again, I don’t know what to think about that.
That place brought me so much joy, but it ruined me, too.
If Pea thinks she can make a better go of it than I did, I wish her luck.
I didn’t fully realise, back then, how important the place was to her.
But I think part of that is that it stood for something, for a united family.
I hope it isn’t painful for her to go back there and find that we’re still splintered and broken.
I’ll be there on opening day, to show my support.
Danny: I’ll leave the Hunters there. AJ’s parents, Grace and Ken, declined to talk to us for this episode. BNT, AJ’s record company, have told me they will be issuing a direct statement in due course. So for our last words, I’ll turn to Maggie.
Maggie: Zak called me when he’d made the decision to move over there, to be with Pea.
I told him I was happy for him. Sometimes, he sends me photos of Rose, and she’s about the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.
If they do get Wildworld back up and running, I’ll definitely take a trip over there to support them.
It’s time to put the bad memories to rest, I think, and focus on the good ones, or even creating new ones.
And as for AJ being alive? Well, if it’s true, and if you’re listening to this, AJ, well done.
You got out. You were a pain in the ass to work with but anyone could see you were special.
I hope you’re being special somewhere beautiful.
Danny: I’m going to close with the lyrics to AJ Silver’s ‘Island’. Thanks for listening.
Island
There’s an island out there in the ocean
And it’s empty and waiting for me
Cos when I can’t stand the crowd
And I’m screaming out loud
It’s the only place I want to be
My paradise island
There’s nobody there
No shopping malls, stadiums, studio
I can’t wait to go
To my island
There’s an island out past the horizon
And it’s calm and deserted and free
So when it’s more than enough
And I’m not feeling tough
It’s the only place I want to be
My paradise island
There’s nobody there
No shopping malls, stadiums, studio
I can’t wait to go
To my island
I’ll be all alone with no friends and no phone
And I might just remember who I am
I’ll be by myself, I don’t need no one else
And I might just discover who I could be
My paradise island
There’s nobody there
No shopping malls, stadiums, studio
I can’t wait to go
To my island
Sven_Kowalski
Anyone fancy a trip to Wildworld? #WhatHappenedThatSummer
Be_Linda
Wow. This podcast is going to leave a massive gap in my life! Is a podcast hangover a thing? And any recommendations for getting over one? #WhatHappenedThatSummer
SueJohns43
I can’t believe it’s over. I’ll miss these people! #WhatHappenedThatSummer
GowithGrace
I’m so happy that Pea and Zak ended up together.