32. Chapter 32
Chapter 32
KAT
E mma put her car in park and swiveled in her seat. “You’ve got maybe ten minutes. I’m pretty sure your parents thought I’d bring you straight home from the hospital, not here.”
I gave her a tight smile and pushed some hair behind my ear. Wringing my hands in my lap, I was grateful for the softness of the sweats I wore. “I would’ve driven myself, but—”
“But the doctor said not with your concussion for at least forty-eight hours and up to a week depending on your symptoms.” Emma slid her painted fingernails along the top of the steering wheel and glanced through the windshield at Bernie’s house.
I furrowed my brows. “What?” I asked, knowing that look on her face.
“It’s just…” She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth.
“It’s just what? Emma, I love you, but I can’t read your mind.” I tugged at the bottom hem of my T-shirt. Even though it was mine, and my size, it seemed to be suffocating me as much as the devastation that leaked through my veins.
“I don’t think you should be doing this. You’re the one that got shot. He should be by your side. Taking care of you. Not the other way around,” she blurted out and glanced at me.
With a heavy sigh, I briefly let a smile slide upon my lips but remained silent. Yeah, in any normal situation, I would’ve been on Emma’s side, thinking the same thing she was. But in this situation, sharing a secret with Bernie, one so specific, that it changed everything.
“You know something,” Emma stated, narrowing her eyes.
“Yes,” I said with a nod.
“And you’re not going to share it, are you?”
I shook my head.
She kept her gaze steady on me, studying my face as I did everything possible to remain neutral in my expression. The dull headache lingered from yesterday, and while I knew I still smelled of the hospital after a twenty-four-hour stay, finding Bernie trumped all else. Especially because he would need to grovel—but only for a moment. I deserved that. But I also knew why he hadn’t come back to the hospital.
I too had made a promise to him. He still hadn’t broken his, and I certainly wouldn’t break mine.
“All right. Go on.” She sighed, nodding toward the house.
With a brief hug, I pulled the handle to the car door and hopped outside. It was late afternoon, with only a lingering scent of the rainfall from yesterday. Bernie’s 4Runner waited in the driveway, clean as a result of the storm, and my heart leapt in my chest knowing he was a mere threshold away. And Ford, but Ford was respectful enough, he’d give Bernie and me the space we needed.
Pacing up to the steps, I quickly rapped my knuckles against the wooden frame. I danced between each foot, waiting for someone to answer. Waiting for him.
“Come in!” a muffled voice called out from inside. Not Bernie’s. Not Ford’s. A female voice.
Twisting the knob, I pushed open the door and stepped inside. Glancing to my left, I gave Bernie’s mom a quick smile as her gaze connected with mine.
“Oh, hello, Kat!” Bernie’s mom said and she placed a rinsed plate into the drying rack. “I was just finishing dishes and then going to come visit. I heard what happened in town while at work this morning.”
“Is Bernie here?” I asked, not intentionally skipping past the greetings, but all I wanted was to see him.
“Bernie?” Her brows stitched together as she pulled a bowl from the sudsy water in the sink and scrubbed. “I thought he’s been with you since he blazed out of here with a grin like a madman yesterday. He and Ford were talking about going mudding with you and Emma.”
My breath caught in my throat. “No. He left when my family showed up at the hospital. I thought…”
She paused as some bubbles from the dish soap slid down the side of the fork she now held. “He never came back?”
I shook my head. “Nor did Ford.”
Her eyes darted out the window above the sink, and she smiled. “Oh, I bet they’re both in Bernie’s room. His vehicle’s here. And he must’ve just left to give you space with your family. I can imagine how worried they were. Why don’t you head on up to his room?”
“Thank you, Mrs. Phillips.” I quickly tossed my shoes to the side and darted across the kitchen.
“It’s Eleanor, Kat,” she called out as I raced up the stairs.
The exertion ignited the dull ache in the back of my head, but I ignored it. Bernie was a hallway away. All that stood between me and him was a closed doorway.
Something I didn’t bother to knock on as I twisted the handle and swung it open.
To find his room empty.
There wasn’t a misplaced sock, a rather large best friend, nor a wayward piece of lint on the clean floor. Even Muffin’s cat tree seemed untouched. The dresser was dusted and not an article of clothing hung from a drawer carelessly left open. His bed was neatly made with crisp corners that had shocked me the first time I’d seen his room.
His bed.
I locked my sights on an evenly folded piece of paper resting on his bedspread. Quietly, I rushed over to the side of his mattress and snatched the letter up. Written across the front was a single word—Mom.
Beneath the letter was his phone, and I exhaled slowly. No wonder he hadn’t responded to a single text of mine. Nor answered the phone calls I made once my family had left me with Emma to get dressed. He didn’t have it. It wasn’t even on.
With a final glance around his room, I placed the note to my chest, tucked the phone into my pocket, and slipped back out of his room .
And froze like a statue that had never quite been finished.
He wasn’t here. The final thread of hope I’d been clinging so tightly to unraveled in my hands. Bernie was well and truly gone. He’d left. I knew why, but there was anguish in my soul that wasn’t satiated despite understanding. A pain that roared as hot as the anger at him, but also equally as bright as the determination that slithered like a cord through my veins.
Determination to never stop looking for him.
I took the stairs two at a time, sliding back into the kitchen. “He left a note for you,” I said to Eleanor as she rinsed another dish.
She didn’t look up as her hands paused, the water sloshing around the rubber gloves dunked into the water. “Read it to me, please,” she whispered.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude on anything private between you two,” I said, hesitating despite the fact I was a little curious as to what he said to her.
“Of course, Kat. It’s you.” She balled her hands up with a squeak of the gloves, causing a ripple of waves in the sink water.
“Okay,” I muttered and unfolded the letter.
Clearing my throat, I began. “‘Mom, I’m sorry. I know how hard I’ve been to raise, and it seems that even now, as a fully grown adult, not much has changed. I’m so sorry for causing a stir wherever I go. For upsetting your new life you’ve built here. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m tired of hurting those that I care about and love. Of being unable to protect those that are so much more deserving of peace than I am. My selfishness and impulsivity seem to only cause grief for everyone around me, and I can’t do that anymore. So, whether you see this as my final selfish decision, or finally a selfless act, I’ve decided to remove…’” My voice choked as tears slid down my cheeks, knowing what was coming next.
Bernie’s mom remained still, her gaze staring straight through the window above the sink. The water had long since been turned off, leaving not a sound but the ticking clock on the wall.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows against the kitchen island and continued. “‘I’ve decided to remove myself from the equation. No, don’t worry, not from this world entirely, just from this life here. It’s the one thing I have control over. Now, no one will be gossiping about what ‘Eleanor’s son’ just did. This way, no one will be giving you dirty looks, or talking behind your back. This way Kat can have the life she deserves. I took Muffin with me so I’m not alone and will write every now and then. Please be there for Kat because I know she’ll be angry with me for taking her choice away, but I don’t know what else to do to keep her safe. I already broke my promise to her.’”
I briefly closed my eyes, choking down the anguish and yes, anger, just as he said. I was mad at him for thinking that we were all better off without him. I was angry that he didn’t give me the choice, just as he said. I was also so angry that he no longer seemed to see just how much I’d rather be hurting with him around than without him. But what pissed me off the most, was knowing that he hadn’t broken his promise to keep me safe but believed he did.
Swallowing, I resumed reading the letter. “‘I know I haven’t ever really told you much about what happens when I’m gone. It’s not something I usually worry about talking to anyone about because I’ve always been so good at keeping it overseas. When I’m home, I’ve always thought I’ve had a good handle at being home . But this time… This time everything I worked so hard to keep away from you followed me. I brought the destruction with me. And I’m terrified of how much worse it’ll get. I’m proud of my service, but damn does it fucking hurt sometimes. Sorry for the cussing, Mom. It’s a bad habit, I know.’”
I smiled stiffly to myself as Bernie’s mom quietly chuckled. “He had that habit before he enlisted,” she whispered through silent tears. With a heavy sigh, Eleanor nodded once, asking me to continue.
“‘Anyway, tell Raiden that on his sixteenth birthday, I’ll tell him where I hid the keys to my 4Runner. It’s his. Remind him to have fun at prom, and to make sure he doesn’t grow up to be like me. Tell him… Tell him that I love him and I’m sorry. Both of you should know that even if you can’t see me, I’m there. And Mom, it’s okay to find companionship and love again. I think it would make Dad happy to see you thriving. Plus, Raiden deserves a father. I am such a lucky man. One last thing. Tell Kat—’”
I stopped reading and exhaled heavily, not ready to find out what he wanted to say to me. Not ready to have confirmation that he was truly gone. My heart fell to my stomach. I knew deep down that this wasn’t meant to hurt me, that this was him in pain. That this was the only way he could think to deal with it. But I hated it.
A gentle arm slid around my shoulders, and I glanced to my left. Bernie’s mom stood beside me, holding me as my hands trembled. She gave me a pained smile.
I took a deep breath and looked back at the letter. “‘Tell Kat that she’s it for me. And I can’t believe that I got so lucky to have her, for however brief of a time. Tell her she deserves all the happiness in the world, and I can’t wait for the day she finds it. Tell her that I’ll forever cherish every memory with her and that she truly made me a better man. But I have to go. Tell her that she’s safe and that I’m sorry.’”
Eleanor squeezed my arm, pulling me closer into her as the next sentence tumbled from my mouth. “‘You were right, Mom. I should’ve listened. I did nothing but cause a mess for Kat, and that is my biggest regret. Not how I feel about her. Not what I shared with her. But that it hurt her in ways I should have known it would. I love her, Mom. Which is why I have to go.’”
The letter fell from my hands as I rammed my eyes shut and a pool of tears crashed down my cheeks. “No, you don’t!” I cried out. “You asshole!” I slammed a fist into the countertop.
“You don’t have to go. I know you’re hurting and you blame yourself, but it’s not your fault. And you didn’t ruin anything.” Oxygen was fleeting as I gasped for air and choked down the snot welling up in my nose.
“Duncan wasn’t your fault. Me getting shot wasn’t your fault. And I hate you for leaving!” I roared, rage shearing through me like a knife.
Eleanor slid her palm up and down my arm and gently tugged the letter out from my hands. She cleared her throat and continued reading. “‘Also, stop denying the money I send you, Mom. It’s the least I can do seeing as I’ll never truly be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you. Your son, Bernie.’”
Silence.
Excruciating silence swallowed me whole. A doom as heavy as the ocean pulled me to the darkest depths known to mankind .
But amidst the blackening suffocation pulsed a red thread of anger and desire. He owed me. I deserved to chew him out to his face. But he also deserved to feel the same kind of unwavering love he believed I deserved.
Standing up straight, I gently slid out of Eleanor’s tightening grasp.
“What are you doing, Kat?” she asked, wiping a palm against her damp cheek.
“I’m going to get him,” I said, choking down my tears.
“No, Kat. He asked us to let him go.”
I furrowed my brows. “That’s not what you actually want, is it? You don’t actually think that’s best for him, do you?”
“What I think is that he should come for you!” She spun and faced me. “He should be chasing you, not running away.”
“But why?” I slid my hand across my cheeks, wiping away the wet trails. “Why is it always the man that goes after the woman? Why can’t it be the other way around especially when Bernie is clearly in a lot of pain? He deserves that just as much as I do.”
Eleanor’s brows twitched upward, and she braced her palm against the counter to her side. Heavy breaths escaped her nose as she stared at me, unwavering.
“I’m going to go find him,” I whispered.
Her jaw trembled as every feature on her face tightened and twisted with grief. “Thank you,” she gasped and collapsed forward. Her sobs racked her chest, the tears dampening my pink T-shirt.
“Thank you,” she quietly gushed through her crying. I wrapped my arms around her body, knowing just how much comfort she needed through all of this. Just as he did .
I was still angry at him, and I would be until he heard everything I had to say. But I longed for him more than I was upset. My heart ached to be with him. My soul needed him.
And I knew he needed me.
He deserved that.
Inhaling deeply, I simply held Bernie’s mom until there were no more tears to cry. Slowly, she pulled away from me and sniffed as she wiped the stains from her cheek.
“Where’s Ford?” she asked, glancing around me.
“Huh?” I said, confused why he would be brought up now.
She gave me a gentle smile. “He clearly wasn’t up in that room. So, if you’re going to find my son, I suggest calling Ford. He is either with Bernie or knows where he went.”
Relief coated my tightened chest, and I nodded. “I will find him. No matter what it takes.”
Eleanor heaved one last sigh. “Thank you for loving my son.”
Love?
Bernie loved me. His mom believed I loved him. Is that what all of this was? All of these confusing feelings, the unbearable moments of being parted, and the inability to think of anyone else, were those all signs of love? Or was it an obsession?
No. It wasn’t an obsession. It couldn’t be, because I still functioned without him, no matter how much I wanted him. What we shared was mutual and equal.
But did that make it love ?
I certainly felt things I’d never experienced with him before. And I certainly saw myself in his future. But love was new for me. I wasn’t even sure what that might be like, but what I for sure knew was that Bernie had consumed all that I was.