Chapter - 16
LOGAN
Hockey season was only a few weeks away, and part of me was both excited and bummed about it. I had played in the NHL for almost a decade at that point. Perhaps I was getting close to experiencing burnout. Not necessarily physical burnout, since I still felt like my body could keep up. But the sport didn’t thrill me anymore. It wasn’t at the front of my mind like it used to be, and part of me suspected that was because of a certain little blonde woman.
I had just gotten home from practicing with John and his husband on the ice at an Irvine rink the team sometimes used for extra sessions, when my phone buzzed and I yanked it out of my jeans.
I felt myself smile as I kicked my front door shut and opened the message.
Eloise: I need help with my homework.
I dropped my bag near the laundry units in my small one-bedroom apartment before walking towards the shower. I could easily shower at the facilities we trained at, but I hated it. Nothing made me feel as clean as I did after showering in my own home.
Me: For your ASL class?
Eloise: Yes. I need to give a presentation in a couple of days and I think I need a tutor to help me practice.
Eloise: Preferably one who can motivate me with kissable lips and dark, grabbable hair.
I grinned at my phone as I turned the shower on.
Me: Then Beck is probably your gal.
Eloise: *middle finger emoji*
I huffed a laugh at that, before I decided to pull back on the teasing.
Me: I’m hopping in the shower, but I’ll be out by the time you get here.
I sent her my address and set my phone down before letting the scalding hot water hit my skin.
As soon as I stepped out of the shower and started toweling off my hair, I heard the doorbell ring. She was faster than I anticipated, so I quickly wrapped the towel around my waist before checking the peephole to ensure that it was, in fact, Eloise at my door and not some door-to-door salesman.
I opened the door and waved for her to come in, smiling, when her eyes trailed over my naked torso.
As I shut the door behind her, she quietly clapped her palms together before tucking her hands under her chin, her eyes on my stomach.
“Speeding through those yellow lights really paid off,” Eloise murmured reverently as she ogled my body. I laughed, knowing the sound was off compared to someone who didn’t have a damaged voice like mine, but also knowing that Eloise didn’t care.
I gestured to her that my eyes were, in fact, up here.
“I know, I know,” Eloise adjusted her bag on her shoulder and finally made direct eye contact with me, “But you’re the perfect motivation for me to get this right.”
And that is how we ended up on my bed. After Eloise watched me get dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, she opened her laptop to the written words of her presentation and told me to help her correct her signs.
Her ASL was good, but her class didn’t cover every single nuance and sentence structure rule ASL had. It usually took numerous classes to really get comfortable signing anything on the spot. So that was where I came in, helping Eloise sign the words and sentences she didn’t know, to help fill in the gaps of her presentation, without ruining the flow.
“Party,” Eloise vocalized after I showed her the sign. “Huh. It’s similar to ‘play’, which we use a lot at work.” She bit her lip as she repeated the sign back to me. I nodded, shifting so that I had one ankle crossed over the other as I watched her sign through the next couple of sentences of her presentation again.
I had to give Eloise credit, when she was determined to learn something, she perfected it. Her signs were crisp, not the lazy movements that beginners usually displayed for the sake of running through an ASL sentence as quickly as possible.
“Good?” Eloise asked, also signing good to me.
I nodded and gave her a thumbs up.
She sighed a breath of relief as she stopped the recording her laptop was making. She wanted to record herself signing the sentences so she could watch them back later tonight as she practiced running through the entire presentation in one sitting.
“This is genuinely helpful, thank you so much,” Eloise gave me a shy look before slumping against my headboard and setting her laptop to the side, “I need a break, though.”
My pants immediately tightened, so I bent one leg up in a poor attempt to try to conceal my body’s immediate excitement to her words. Something that was more difficult to do while wearing sweatpants. She turned her head towards me, her gaze trailing over my body as if looking for the evidence of my arousal, before she twisted in her seat to face me directly and meet my eyes.
“…Can I ask you a personal question?” Eloise’s voice was softer, lower, and it made me want to lean in towards her space even more. I resisted, because I had a feeling her question wasn’t going to be of the sexy variety, and I wanted to keep my hands to myself if that was the case.
I nodded at her.
“…What happened?” Eloise’s eyes dropped, indicating that she was taking in my scars that were plainly visible on my face and neck.
I felt heat prick my skin at the spot she stared at, and my heart started to pick up pace again. The last time I had shared this with someone was also the first time I had met Eloise. I had been feeling too exposed for opening up to someone so deeply about my past, that I lashed out at Eloise and made us start out on the worst foot possible.
That being said, I was genuinely surprised Courtney hadn’t divulged the details of my accident to everyone else in the group. No one had ever asked me about my scars, or why I preferred to sign instead of vocalizing.
I inhaled a breath in preparation, before signing to Eloise.
Her brow scrunched, so I signed again a little slower. Using this as another ASL lesson created a bit of a buffer for the emotional exposure I was about to endure with her.
“Car crash?” Eloise asked, her voice almost a whisper still. I nodded my confirmation at her. “When?”
I was eighteen, I replied.
Eloise’s wide, clear eyes studied me for a moment. Silence hung between us, and my skin itched as she let us sit in the silence. I was determined to make it through this with Eloise, though. Part of me was even surprised to admit that I wanted to share this with her. That I wanted her to get to know me. Why that was, I was pretty sure I knew, but I didn’t let myself go down that train of thought too far in the moment.
“I’m sorry,” Eloise simply said.
I shrugged in response.
“Was that what damaged your voice?” Eloise asked again, though she sounded nervous to get the words out. She probably didn’t know if this was pushing it or not, but I didn’t want to scare her off.
I never wanted to scare Eloise off ever again.
I would answer whatever she asked of me.
The thought made me pause for half a second before I remembered to actually respond to her question, Yes. Eloise was quiet again, so I decided to keep the conversation going. I pulled my phone out, turning on my phone screen which showed a picture of my little sister, Anna.
I handed the phone to Eloise to look at before she lifted her eyes at me in curiosity. That was the moment that I truly realized how weird it was for a thirty-year-old man to have a picture of a teenage girl on his lock screen.
My little sister, I signed to Eloise. I noticed her eyes widening a fraction, before I continued, She died in the car crash.
Eloise sucked in a breath, before staring at the picture again.
Silence became less suffocating, and calmer before Eloise spoke up, “She looks like Courtney.”
I smirked, nodding my head, Imagine my reaction when Courtney talked to me at the gym the first time. I thought I was being haunted.
It took me mouthing my words at Eloise with my signs for her to understand before a soft giggle escaped her lips at my sentence.
“Damn, that’s crazy,” Eloise lifted the phone closer to her face as if she was studying every detail of Anna. The picture was her at a restaurant, with two straws up either of her nostrils as she smiled at the camera, her hands clasped calmly on the table as if nothing was sticking out of her face. I loved the picture because it let me constantly remember what Anna looked like, as well as what a total weirdo she was.
“I’m so sorry you lost her,” Eloise handed the phone back to me after one last glance, “And I’m sorry you had to experience the damage and pain you clearly have.” I shrugged again. It sucked, and I had lingering symptoms from the trauma of the event, but I was also making improvements day by day. “Were your parents, okay?”
Ah, she must have assumed the crash happened with my parents in the vehicle too.
I frowned a little before continuing. It took a lot of repetition and extra mouthing on my end, but after stumbling through the story a couple of times, Eloise eventually learned a little bit more about me.
That my mother passed away from breast cancer when I was twelve.
That my father was a deadbeat alcoholic, who barely reacted to the accident and death of his daughter beyond continually skipping town for greater stretches.
That I hadn’t spoken to my father for about five years now, and that he could also be dead for all I knew.
Eloise’s face was crumbled by the time the gist of my life was exposed to her, and I wanted to put her bright smiles back on her face without brushing what I experienced under the rug.
I’m okay now, I signed to her, I am doing better.
Eloise nodded before shifting closer to me. My heart skipped a beat before she opened her arms and wrapped them around my shoulders, her face hiding in the crook of my neck and pulling me tight against her. It was instinct to embrace her back just as tight, and I felt a piece of my core shutter at the comfort that Eloise was willingly offering me.
This little woman had once assaulted me with pie, and now we were both sitting on my bed while she embraced me with no intention other than to provide comfort.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Eloise mumbled into my neck. I just nodded, a movement she could probably feel, but I decided to take a deep breath and give her something I didn’t share with anyone else.
“…You’re welcome.” I whispered. Eloise stiffened in my arms. My voice didn’t sound good. It sounded downright scary, and it was almost inaudible to anyone who wasn’t right up against my lips. The whisper was scratchy. I had people in college tell me it sounded like something you would hear in an empty room in a horror movie.
Vocalizing those words created a small burn where the nerve damage in my body had taken the brunt of it, but I’ve experienced that pain before and had anticipated it enough to muscle through it for the moment. I didn’t share my voice with just anyone. Not even Courtney had heard me vocalize before.
Eloise was different.
I wanted her to know she was different.
Eloise pulled back while keeping her arms around my neck, her red rimmed eyes meeting mine before she quickly blinked away tears that were pooling there.
I reached a hand up to cup her cheek and shook my head, I’m sorry, I mouthed, Did I scare you?
“No. No.” Eloise shook her head, her lips pulling up a little bit in a nervous smirk, “I’m…weirdly honored.”
I smiled at her, thumbing away a stray tear that she couldn’t quite blink away.
“But,” Eloise swallowed, “Please don’t do that if it hurts too much.”
I hesitated before I continued leisurely brushing my thumb against her cheek, Why?
“…I will never ask you to use your voice, Logan.” Eloise’s fingers gently traced up the back of my neck, into the roots of my hair. Goosebumps erupted on my skin from her touch, “Again, I am honored to know what you sound like,” Eloise smiled, “But your voice is yours. Hearing you speak was a privilege, and nothing more.” Eloise brushed her nose against mine, and I felt something in my chest squeeze at the contact. “I was able to find the kind, gentle man beneath this moody exterior, regardless.”
I grinned before pressing my lips against hers for no other reason than I simply couldn’t hold back any longer. She met my kisses with enthusiasm, but it wasn’t frantic like how we were in the bookstore. No, this moment was one I hadn’t experienced before. It was vulnerable. It was emotional. The kisses we exchanged illustrated the trust we now had between each other, and nothing more.
It took a while for us to get here, to this limbo of a relationship where she and I still hadn’t discussed what we were to each other beyond lover and tutor. While I tasted Eloise”s lips as if I had all the time in the world, I realized how worthit the journey was. How much I could kick myself for fucking up so royally the first time we met, but that I was willing to do what it took to even find ourselves here, in this moment.
This feisty woman who covered herself in flower tattoos for no other reason than she liked flowers.
This brilliant woman who could hold a grudge for however long she deemed necessary.
This beautiful woman who could make me feel like the luckiest man alive for simply having the honor to share these quiet kisses with her in the comfort of my bed, and nothing more.
I let myself fully come to the realization then.
I truly wanted Eloise Bane.