Chapter - 21
ELOISE
“I was so surprised to see that conversation turn out the way it did,” Taylor commented from their spot on the floor as they laced their hiking shoes on.
I wrinkled my nose as I remembered the awkward interaction I had witnessed between Beck, a woman who was hard of hearing and communicated with ASL when needed, and John’s husband, Alonzo, a deaf man with no hearing aids, who solely relied on ASL for communication. At first, I thought that he would like Beck when they met at the bar after the hockey game, because I assumed it would be easier to hold a conversation with someone who could communicate the same as him.
So to hear that John’s husband was bold enough to tell Beck to her face that she wasn’t actually considered deaf, resulting in nothing more than an uncomfortable smile from her, made me very confused.
The fact that Alonzo was bold enough to essentially shut her down, and that Beck was able to take his words in stride and not be too ruffled by his dismissive attitude, threw me as well.
Courtney, Susan, and Beck were all very straightforward women. They did not seem to fluff their words, and they focused more on getting the message across. Somehow, these women didn’t upset each other. They never became offended when someone was blunt to the point of, what I was taught to consider, rudeness.
“It’s just…” I shook my head once, “That didn’t bother you? How dismissive Alonzo was? I mean, he immediately invalidated a large part of your identity. That’s just so rude to me. And you just smiled and shrugged. How did that not bother you?”
Adam smirked down at Beck after my weird explanation, which made me feel a little self-conscious about my thoughts until Beck started speaking again, “Well, to be fair, a lot of the deaf community is considered rude no matter what they say.”
I widened my eyes, “What? Really?”
“Yeah,” Beck lifted a shoulder before snuggling into Adam’s side on the couch some more, “ASL doesn’t have fluff words to make people more comfortable. The culture of people who use the language to communicate is known to be straightforward. To the point. Blunt.”
I blinked at Beck.
Even though I had been taking online lessons for a while now, I hadn’t ever considered that.
“It catches a lot of hearing people off guard,” Susan nodded. “A common example is when I’m talking to an old friend, and I inform them that someone we both knew died. I don’t usually say ‘passed away’, I just say ‘died’. Because in ASL, a language I use fairly often in my own home, there is no interpretation for ‘passed away’. We just say ‘they died’ even though it sounds harsh out loud.”
I nodded at Susan as she sipped her tea in the ugly accent chair.
“Wow,” I lifted a shoulder, “I mean, I guess that does make the communication…clearer.”
“Isn’t there an actual term for it?” Courtney asked from Josh’s lap, both of them sitting in the other ugly accent chair.
Susan nodded, “Deaf Blunt is what I hear most often.”
“I understand where you’re coming from though, Lo,” Beck spoke up again, waiting for me to turn to look at her before she continued, “I think you and I were raised fairly similarly. Except you didn’t have the extra fun layer of religious trauma that I did.” Beck smiled, and my heart ached for her upbringing. “I wasn’t born into a deaf community. I wasn’t taught ASL from birth. I taught it mostly to myself as a teen, and only regularly started using it as a college student to gain more confidence in my studies. And more so with Gram when she would reach out to me.” Beck smiled at her grandmother, who smiled lovingly back, “So it was kind of a culture shock to go from a religious community, where women were quiet and polite and always considered the feelings of others before themselves, to Deaf Blunt. A community that required direct forms of communication for the sake of getting the message across correctly, regardless of how uncomfy the blunt words made others.”
I nodded at her, curling my legs up towards myself as I thought about her words.
“And even then, I still don’t really feel like I truly fit in with the deaf and hard-of-hearing community.”
I lifted my brows at Beck, tilting my head in confusion. “What do you mean? You have hearing loss. You use ASL. Isn’t that…enough?”
Beck shook her head right when Adam’s arms tightened around her shoulders. “A lot of people, those who are usually completely deaf and solely rely on ASL for external communication, refer to me as ‘hearing with hearing aids’.”
The room was silent for a moment, considering Beck’s words.
“But…you’re not completely hearing. You have hearing loss,” Taylor said, the same confusion I felt was evident in their tone.
“Sure, but I still have some hearing. The aids help me identify specific words, and I get by extremely well with lip reading. I can speak very clearly when I focus hard enough or have my aids to help me distinguish the sounds.” Beck shrugged a shoulder. “I have had members of the deaf and hard-of-hearing community tell me that I don’t exactly ‘count’. That being said, it’s important to remember that they have had to deal with a lot of trauma and discrimination due to their experiences with complete hearing loss.”
“But so have you,” Courtney argued, “You literally weren’t given resources to accommodate your hearing loss as a child.”
“Sure, but not everyone knows that. They just see me vocalizing with others and that I wear hearing aids and they assume things. Everyone assumes things, and it”s normal for people to feel threatened by those who do not understand their experiences entirely. Hearing people look at me, see how ‘well’ I get by in a hearing society, and they use me as an excuse to minimize the trauma and discrimination that those with more severe hearing loss or deafness have.” Beck shrugged again. “I’m not offended by their concerns. In a way, I actually agree, that ‘hearing with hearing aids’ is an accurate category for my experience with hearing loss, but I also agree that I am simply hard of hearing. I have pretty severe hearing loss and therefore am a branch of the deaf and hard-of-hearing community. But I also have my own community,” Beck gestured vaguely around the room, making my heart squeeze, “So I don’t feel excluded from some club because of Alonzo’s words. I’m sure if I integrated myself more in a formal deaf environment that they would accept me with open arms and teach me more about how they view the world. But I’m also okay where I am. I have come a long way to even be here, and I do not take that for granted.”
I contemplated Beck’s words, surprised at how empathetic she was.
If I was Beck, and I was talking to a man who was deaf, who had the confidence to tell me upon our first meeting that I was not the same as him simply because my hearing loss wasn’t as significant, I would have been offended.
I would have probably said something rude back.
But Beck wasn’t me.
I remembered a few years ago, when I had organized a trip to Big Bear for employees at the clinic, before I even officially worked there myself. Beck, Adam, Taylor, and Courtney were all lounging on the patio furniture after a long day. Before I had sat down with them, Beck mispronounced the word “libido,” vocalizing it as “libby-do” because she had never heard the word out loud, and only read it in books. Taylor and Courtney teased her mercilessly for her slip-up, and instead of being offended by their relentless teasing, Beck laughed with them. She was embarrassed, her face red with it, but she wasn’t upset or disgruntled. She even went as far as to tease herself for her slip-up.
It was admirable.
I…haven’t always been like that.
I thought about how Logan and I started out. How I was so desperate to be liked by everyone here, that the first time Logan dismissed me, I immediately broke down. Later on, I toughened up a little bit, but I still let his teasing upset me to the point of smashing pie on him.
It was silly because I realized at that moment, when the conversation naturally drifted onto other things, that I didn’t need to get so worked up anymore. Everyone in this room accepted and welcomed me with open arms. Adam was the only one who was hesitant about my friendship with these people, as he had every right to be. But now even he wasn’t bothered by my intrusion anymore.
I stood up from my spot as the conversation shifted to something else and everyone finished putting their shoes on. We were all going for a small hike at Crystal Cove, and then meeting up back here to eat dinner. Logan would also be meeting us here after his practice.
If anyone else noticed that I was quieter today during the hike, no one said anything. Instead, I stayed near the back of the group on the trail, almost forgetting Josh’s security detail lingering behind us, as we all took in the ocean views and landscapes. Inhaling that salty sea air was something I had always loved growing up here, and while everyone else joked around on the hike and laughed and chatted, I let myself get lost in my own thoughts.
Beck’s conversation was still sticking with me. How she was able to validate Alonzo’s truth, without worrying about jeopardizing the validity of her own.
Something that had bothered me the last few days, ever since that incident with Connor at Logan’s hockey game, was everyone asking me if anything more happened. I knew what they were asking me without saying it explicitly. Based on my reaction to certain situations with Connor, my friends were concerned that I was unsafe, or taken advantage of, the one night we spent together.
However, I had consented. Hell, I even initiated. If I hadn’t blatantly shown him my interest at my parents’ house that one night, we probably wouldn’t have hooked up at all. So, no, I didn’t think that the experience I had with Connor was as concerning as my friends” questions would imply. He didn’t take advantage of me. I was sober, and completely aware of my actions. I never told Connor no.
Then, naturally, I thought about the most recent night I wasn’t sober. And how I had made a very clear pass at Logan, and he still turned me down. Logan, who I had slept with enthusiastically and consensually multiple times. Even knowing that I thoroughly enjoyed sex with him, he still took one look at my bloodshot eyes and decided that I wasn’t sober enough to truly consent.
And…how I loved that.
Sure, I had consented with Connor, too. But after a certain amount of time, I definitely wasn’t enthusiastic with him. I just wanted it to be over. I stopped engaging, and just let him use me how he wanted to.
Connor didn’t hesitate to use me.
…And honestly, what the fuck was that about?
I huffed irritation at the thought, forgetting that I was surrounded by friends and met the glance of a concerned Adam as he looked over his shoulder at me. I smiled at him to hopefully convince him that everything was okay, before staring at my feet marching on the dirt path of the little hike we were on.
Would it really have been so hard for Connor to notice that I wasn’t enjoying myself? That I was biting my tongue and just wanted the whole thing to be over? Did he really care so little about how the woman that he was inside of was feeling about the situation?
Yes, I consented to be with Connor.
But also, even though I didn’t vocalize it specifically, at some point, my consent was no longer enthusiastic. During the course of the night, even though I never said the words, my actions showed that I no longer truly, willingly consented.
Both could be true at the same time.
If Beck had experienced what I had, I wouldn’t hesitate to explain to her that consent wasn’t black and white. That it wasn’t a trap you fall into by agreeing one single time. And yet, for some reason, I had been struggling to come to terms with that myself. Whenever my friends asked me if anything happened with Connor, I was quick to feel embarrassment and shame and ease their fears. Some of that, I suspected, had to do with my people-pleasing side that I was still trying to deconstruct every day. It was also probably why I didn’t just give Connor the finger and leave before the night escalated.
It was also probably why I didn’t just give Connor the finger every time I bumped into him since then.
Smile. Keep the peace. Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
If Logan had seen me lying there, lost in thought about something else, I knew for a fact that he would stop whatever it was he was doing. Logan was clearly a man that enjoyed enthusiasm in the bedroom. He wanted his partner to be into it just as much as him.
Which, call me crazy, shouldn’t that be the standard of consent?
The thought of Logan caring for me back when I had my period came to mind, and I felt the smile pull on my lips before I could stop it. Nobody else noticed, except maybe Adam, who kept checking behind himself to make sure I was still there with the group.
But as we made it near the end of the trail, I was lost in thought about Logan St. James. Happier, peaceful, excited thoughts about the man filled my head. All the time we had spent together the last few months. How we had both opened up to each other and been vulnerable in order to establish trust.
How Logan and I were an item to some degree.
About how he and I were sneaking around behind our friends’ backs…why were we still doing that?
It wasn’t like I was interested in anyone else at this point. I loved spending time with Logan, which made my lips twitch with amusement because oh how things have changed with that whole situation.
I giggled along with Taylor’s theatrics as we piled into Josh’s SUV after the hike, and tried to engage with our friends and their conversations, but I couldn’t. My heart was racing with the knowledge that Logan would meet up with us soon.
But I couldn’t greet him like we normally did in private. Because everyone else was around. And we were keeping everything a secret.
The fears I had at the beginning of our physical relationship creeped up again.
What if we don’t work out?
What will our friends think if we don’t work out?
Would I be able to stomach hanging out with Logan if we didn’t work out?
I found myself spiraling about this as I stood in the kitchen of the townhome, filling a glass of water at the sink when I heard another pair of steps enter the kitchen behind me, and I smiled at Adam as he casually approached to grab a beer for himself from the fridge.
“Can I ask you something?” I spoke up, keeping my voice a little lower to keep our conversation private. Taylor and Josh were getting more animated, playfully arguing about something, so I doubted we could be easily overheard.
“Sure,” Adam replied, shutting the fridge door, and leaning back against the counter next to it. I took a moment to take him in. Adam was handsome, with dark red hair and sun-kissed skin, and freckles on his face. I had the biggest crush on him in high school, and I could remember the giddy feeling I had when we finally went out as adults. I felt like younger, adolescent me had finally “won.”
And how that attitude ended up making me lose him.
I didn’t want to lose him at the time, obviously. But…now I was glad that I did.
Now, I felt like that experience gave me the opportunity to find someone better for me.
“Were you ever nervous about dating Beck, and how that would work out at work and stuff?” Adam and Beck’s situation wasn’t the same as mine, obviously. But I felt like dating a coworker would make anyone second guess, or hesitate, before jumping into bed with them.
Adam looked towards the living room for a moment before answering, “Part of me was terrified.”
I widened my eyes, “What? Why?”
Adam’s lips tipped with a ghost of a smile before taking another sip of his beer, then setting the bottle down on the countertop to explain, “I only had a desire to start working at the clinic when I caught a glimpse of Beck, and learned that she was an employee there. I didn’t even know her name.” I widened my eyes, surprised, because I never knew that. “So I already felt like I crossed a boundary. I saw how happy and carefree she and Courtney were, and I acted like a leech. Desperate to be in their orbit, so that I could feel what they felt.” Adam rubbed his neck, a haunted expression crossing his features. He had struggled with depression, something I was oblivious to at the time, which probably explained his need to feel what others were feeling. “Obviously I was attracted to Beck, but I already felt like my employment was inappropriate enough. So I never really…made my feelings known?” He tilted his head in thought. “I guess I did flirt a little bit the more we got to know each other, but it wasn’t until Big Bear that I finally was open about my feelings. Even then, Beck had to kiss me first before I even felt confident initiating anything romantic.”
I smiled, grateful that Adam was open with me about this. I only felt a twinge of guilt because this was the time that I was openly pursuing him to take me back. To give us another chance. Adam did us both a favor and didn’t mention that aspect of this memory he was giving me, before continuing his thoughts.
“Once Beck kissed me, though,” his eyes turned thoughtful, adoring, and it made my heart squeeze, “I was done for. I realized pretty quickly that it didn’t matter if we were coworkers or not. It didn’t matter if we ended up breaking up and having to deal with that in the workplace. I wanted her, and for some reason she wanted me. There was no reason to make us both suffer otherwise.”
I quirked my lips at that. “I feel like it’s easy for the man to not care about the potential fallout at work, though.”
“You’re not wrong,” Adam shrugged. “Women tend to be more cautious about things like workplace relationships. They kind of have to be. That being said, I’m grateful Beck took the chance with me.”
I sighed wistfully, loving that it had worked out for the both of them. As far as I knew, even though Beck and Adam lived together, they had no desire to get married or have children. They were perfectly happy as they were, and I was a little envious of that. To have total security in someone else, to have a partner in your corner no matter what.
I…really wanted that.
“How did you know it was worth it, though? The risk? Not knowing if it’ll work out in the end or not.” I heard myself whispering the question, exposing a bit of the fear that had made me keep everything with Logan in the dark until now.
I met Adam’s gaze, and it felt knowing, so I glanced down and found myself fidgeting with my glass of water, nervous to meet his eyes. After a moment or two, I finally met his stare again, which was nothing but thoughtful and empathetic.
“At the risk of sounding like every lovesick man in every single one of Beck’s books,” Adam’s voice was lowered a little more too, gentle, understanding, “I wanted to at least experience Beck. To kiss her whenever I wanted, hold her without hesitancy, and be with her in that way. Even if that meant that I might lose her, that we might later on discover that we weren’t compatible and go our separate ways. I would much rather have her, and have to let her go, than never know what it’s like to experience her love at all.”
I sucked my lips in between my teeth, probably making my mouth an unattractive line on my face. But I didn’t care.
Adam had a valid point.
I knew what it was like to have Logan to some degree. Our physical chemistry had always been there, I realized. But then I started to picture the two of us as a real couple. I glanced towards the living room, where Courtney was perched on Josh’s lap. They both confidently and almost mindlessly reached for the other whenever they shared space. Not caring that they were displaying so much PDA in front of others.
I thought about Adam and Beck’s more subtle, but still confident touches. How well Beck fit in Adam’s side when they leaned into each other on the couch.
I already knew I fit well with Logan.
I tried to picture the two of us snuggling in the living room like the others, and it was very, very easy to piece the image together. Going on simple, cheesy dates with Logan. Lying in his bed while he slept after a long day at practice, while I stayed up doing homework for my ASL classes or reading a book.
Going to his hockey games and learning what was happening during them.
I thought about the group’s reactions. Both to us being together, and also to us potentially breaking up.
Who cares? I thought to myself, When has anyone here been anything but supportive?
I released my lips from my teeth, looking back to Adam once he straightened from the countertop and retrieved his beer bottle.
“Logan’s pulling up,” Adam announced as he pocketed his phone that he must have pulled out while I was thinking. He tossed a friendly smile in my direction as everyone else chatted. I felt my heart racing. I wanted this. I had shared a number of special moments with Logan. I had a feeling that he was on board, too, if the way he kept reaching for me whenever we slept in the same bed together meant anything.
I recalled Adam’s comment a few minutes earlier, about how Beck had to kiss him first for the green light to go off in his brain.
I felt adrenaline start to pump in my veins when I made my way back to the living room with everyone. I stood there awkwardly for a second, before marching towards the entryway and throwing open the front door.
“Umm?” I heard Taylor ask behind me. I didn’t bother closing the door. I was a woman on a mission, as I marched down the porch towards where I saw a familiar gray truck parked on the street in front of the townhome. Logan was just closing the driver’s side door before he started walking towards us.
It was amazing how good a simple t-shirt and jeans could look on the man.
Logan was thumbing something on his phone before pocketing the device. His dark eyes glanced over the driveway before landing on me. A private look in his eyes.
My heart fluttered.
Was I really going to do this?
I paused halfway down the driveway while I heard the murmurings and footsteps of our friends, who clearly had followed me outside and sounded like they were lingering on the porch.
Logan halted at the end of the driveway as well, his secretive look turned to one of question. After a second or two of thick silence, due to my hesitant body language and thoughts, Taylor spoke up from behind me.
“You good, Lo?”
I bit my lip, my eyes on Logan.
His brow furrowed a bit, pink touching the edges of his ears at my direct gaze. He glanced briefly at our friends behind me, before meeting my eyes again. The question in his expression started to loosen. I was locked in on every muscle that relaxed in his jaw, his brow, his eyes. His expression slowly morphed from confusion to understanding, and then suddenly anticipation. Pink colored his tanned cheeks more, and his lips parted as he sucked in a breath as I stared at him.
“Lo?” Courtney asked. I didn’t see what she was doing, I barely even registered her voice.
I took a step towards Logan, before pausing again.
What if he doesn’t want this? Me?
Logan’s brows raised a little bit more, and when I glanced to his sides, one of his hands was in his jeans pocket while the other was in a tight fist, the arm hanging loose at his side.
He was nervous, so when I looked back at his face again, I took another tentative step towards him before forcing my other foot to follow.
As I approached Logan in the slowest walk imaginable, I could see his chest rise and fall with anticipation. His dark eyes were locked on me, and part of my pulse fluttered with the knowledge that I was able to hold his attention so thoroughly.
A few steps away, I signed to him, I want you.
I was pretty sure Courtney gasped, and I thought it was Taylor who sucked in a shocked breath. Logan’s chest deflated heavily at my words, visible relief coating his expression as the corners of his mouth twitched upwards before he signed back to me.
Then take me.
I smiled brightly before I practically jogged the last couple steps towards him, his arms now open and preparing for my impact. My hands went to his shoulders, and I felt his large hands secure themselves on my waist. I then slid my fingers up his neck and into his hair, just how he liked, and pulled his head down to mine.
I heard Josh squeal in excitement a second before Logan’s lips descended onto mine.
I sighed my relief into his mouth, and the feel of his hand coming up to cradle my head so that he could slant his mouth over mine and immediately deepen the kiss made my heart race and my muscles relax at the same time.
“Finally,” I heard Beck grumble.
I giggled at her exasperation, making Logan smile against my mouth before pressing his lips to mine again and pulling back.
He looked happy. So happy.
I was positive I had the goofiest grin on my face as well.
“Is this okay?” I asked, massaging my fingers against his scalp as I asked.
Logan nodded his head once before lowering his mouth to mine again. Our lips barely touched before gagging noises were made and we separated to see who was mocking us.
“I love this so much,” Courtney smiled as she snapped her fingers at us with impatience, “But I think I know how disturbing it is to watch your siblings kiss someone now.” She made a playful grimace before I rolled my eyes at her.
“Get used to it,” I told Courtney, lowering my hands from Logan’s hair and wrapping my arms around his wide torso. I pressed my cheek against his chest, relaxing into this new normal for us, “I found him. I’m keeping him.”
Logan’s arms squeezing me against him in response made me hum with delight.
Josh stepped forward to hold his fist out to Logan, who wordlessly bumped it with his own knuckles.
That was it.
Because, men.
Taylor wiggled their eyebrows at Logan and me, before turning back towards the townhome casually. As if two members of the friend group didn’t just become an item in front of everyone moments ago.
Which really just made me feel silly for building all of this up in my head.
The group adjusted so that Logan and I could sit together on the couch. Taylor sat in one of the ugly accent chairs Susan loved. Josh and Courtney shared the second, with Courtney comfortably on Josh’s thighs. Beck sat on Adam’s lap on one end of the couch, while Logan and I took the other. Part of me wondered if I should have felt weird that I was sitting right next to my ex-boyfriend and, well, current boyfriend. But I didn’t feel weird. And based on everyone else’s body language, no one else thought it was weird.
Therefore, it wasn’t weird.
And I realized as we all chatted and joked around and talked about our hike that day, while I snuggled against Logan’s side with his large arm casually resting behind my shoulders, that it really was that simple.
As it should be.