Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
DANI
I wanted to lie, just as he demanded, but I found I couldn’t. Wade, after all, wasn’t the one who caused me so much pain. He was collateral damage, a reminder of what had all gone so wrong when I was too young to have the emotional fortitude to manage it well.
The playful glint in his eyes faded, and he eased his grip on my hair. His touch gentled as his hand cupped the back of my neck lightly. “What is it, baby? I see how hard you’re thinking.”
Emotion coursed through me, and I shook my head sharply.
“Not gonna lie?” he asked, all teasing traces gone from his voice.
“No,” I whispered, letting my forehead fall against his strong and solid chest.
The boy I once fancied myself falling in love with held me as the man he was now.
Somehow, he just knew talking was not the thing for me, not right now.
His other arm slid around me, and he held me close as I breathed through the tears.
I wasn’t ready to be a crying mess in Wade’s arms. Yet, here I was.
I didn’t know how long we stood like that, with him holding me and his fingers lightly sifting through my curls as I breathed and marveled at how we’d gotten here.
The one man I’d tried so hard not to let my guard down with had ripped away the walls around my heart. I couldn’t even figure out how to rebuild them. At least, not with him.
It was all so confusing. I never should’ve been angry with Wade. It was just, it all hurt so much. In hindsight, I supposed a small part of me wished he had somehow known how deeply I was hurting and that he had somehow known I needed him after that.
When I gathered myself together, I finally lifted my head, leaning back slightly to look at him. My mouth twisted to the side. “I don’t know,” I said because that was the only thing I could think to say.
Wade’s dark eyes searched mine. “You don’t have to know everything, Dani,” he replied softly. “So tell me, why are we arguing about this?”
A flash of defensiveness rose inside of me, but it collapsed when I searched his gaze and realized he wasn’t even teasing. He was dead serious.
I managed to gulp in a breath and shrugged, letting my forehead fall onto his chest again. It was hard to look in his eyes and keep myself together. “Because I don’t like to lie,” I mumbled into his chest.
Wade was quiet, his fingers sifting lightly through the curls at the base of my neck. When I finally scrambled together the nerve to lift my head, I found his gaze thoughtful.
As we looked at each other, it felt as if a storm was gathering in the sky. There was a sense of leashed energy, a humming electricity, and a quickening. Part of me was near frantic for Wade to just kiss me.
Then, I could lose myself in that madness, and I didn’t have to tolerate the sense of uncertainty and vulnerability churning inside. As if he read my mind, he ran his tongue across his teeth, sending a prickle of electric awareness up my spine.
When he dipped his head, I almost jumped at the zing when his lips brushed across mine. Another subtle touch of his lips to mine, and I moaned. But he pulled back quickly, and I squeaked in protest.
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
“I’m not gonna screw this up this time, Dani.”
“You didn’t screw up anything before,” I protested.
“Maybe. That’s not the point. I know you, and I know you’re not sure about us. I am. This time, we’re going to get it right. But I need to know we’re not just something to forget yourself in. Do you understand?” he asked roughly, his dark gaze penetrating mine.
My heart felt as if it were galloping inside my chest while anxiety, stress, and uncertainty spun into each other.
I felt as if I were in an elevator that had abruptly gone down, way too fast. My internal equilibrium was thrown into chaos, and it felt as though the ground had been ripped from under my feet.
“Wade—” I began, stopping when he shook his head slightly.
The hand curled around my nape slid forward, his thumb tracing along my jawline as he cupped my cheek. He bent low once again to press his lips to mine. He lingered just long enough that I whimpered slightly when he drew back.
“You know what I mean, baby. I know you do. I’ll be waiting.”
At that, his hand dropped away and he stepped back. He lightly squeezed my shoulder as he walked past me and exited the room. I stood there, frozen in place, as I listened to his footsteps move down the hallway, then the sound of the door opening and closing in the early darkness.
“Fuck you, Wade. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” I said into the silence.
My mind whispered right back. Yes, you do. You know exactly what he means. You’re terrified to let this be anything but sex.
I took a slow, steadying breath, wishing I could slap the shit out of my internal voice.
Turning, I stepped out of the storage room and closed the door behind me.
My heart was still beating wildly with an uneasiness churning in my stomach.
Walking down the hall, I made a U-turn into the aisle between the two rows of horse stalls.
A recent rescue, Misty, nickered softly when she saw me approach.
I had fallen in love with this sweet girl and planned to talk to Shay and Jackson about keeping her around. She was a lovely Quarter Horse-Thoroughbred mix, rescued from a hoarding situation. She’d shown up here way too thin, but she was friendly and gentle.
I leaned against her stall, reaching to the side where there was a sealed bucket that held treats for anyone who happened to be passing by.
After fetching a grain treat, I held it flat on my palm.
She nibbled it up and leaned her head over the door to her stall.
Her color was dappled gray, and she had a crooked white blaze on her nose that went down to one side.
“Hey, sweet girl,” I said, scratching behind her ears and smoothing my hand down along the side of her neck.
She let out a deep sigh, hanging her head low as I continued to stroke her, admiring that she had put on a little weight. “You’re looking good,” I murmured, resting my forehead against the side of her neck.
I felt rattled inside, everything clanging and loud. I was finding it hard to regain the balance I had found for the last few years around Wade. Somehow, I had managed to buckle everything up tight, to keep my feelings contained. Now, they were all over the place.
I didn’t like it. I wanted my emotions to be something I could manage, something I could control.
If there was one thing that God-awful summer had taught me, it was that feeling out of control sucked.
Having my father tell me what I could and couldn’t do had made me feel beyond helpless.
Almost dying from a miscarriage had been utterly terrifying.
The fear that gripped me when I realized I was pregnant had felt like a boulder rushing toward me from above.
I’d gone out of my way ever since then to keep everything in my life buttoned down and under control.
When Misty lifted her head, nickering softly once more before turning to nibble on some hay, I finally pushed away from her stall and walked out of the barn.
Just as I stepped outside, leaving behind the quiet and peaceful barn, the sound of Jackson calling Wade’s name nearly made me jump out of my skin.
With nearly half the members of Stolen Hearts Valley Emergency Response team living and working here at the lodge, they kept an emergency vehicle on site, parked by the vet clinic.
Glancing over, I saw Dawson and Jackson convening at the truck and then Wade jogged out from the path where his cabin was, flinging his bag over his shoulder.
On his heels came Walker Hudson, a new guy around the lodge.
He seemed nice enough, but I didn’t know him well.
My heart started kicking along in an anxious, choppy beat as I watched them clamber into the emergency vehicle. Gravel spun behind the tires as they took off into the darkness. They didn’t turn the siren on until they hit the end of the long, winding driveway that led to the lodge and farm.
I shouldn’t have been all worked up. For three freaking years, I’d been working at this lodge. On any given day, I knew perfectly well some of my friends were putting their lives on the line when they got called out to an emergency.
But now? Now I was all stirred up, worrying something might happen to Wade. I was still frozen in place where I’d skidded to a stop moments ago, and belatedly realized I’d left my jacket upstairs in the clinic.
Shivering, I hurried back into the barn and jogged up the stairs to the clinic. When I got upstairs, Shay was spraying disinfectant on the reception counter. The lights were dimmed, and the space was quiet.
“That was a quick appointment,” I commented as I crossed the room toward her.
Shay paused before looking back and giving another squirt with the bottle of disinfectant. “It was just a check-up and a round of shots. Jackson can handle those in about five minutes. Especially if no one’s flirting with him,” she explained with a chuckle.
I managed a smile even though worry was spinning in tight circles in my chest. “You’re quite patient with his many admirers.”
She shrugged. “Hazards of the job, right? Sometimes it’s annoying.”
“It’s not like you ever need to worry. Jackson adores you.”
She finished wiping the end of the counter and tossed the paper towel into the trash can by the wall. Turning and resting her hips against the back of the counter, she flashed a shy smile. “I don’t worry. I was just teasing.”
“Good. Because that man loves you. And you two have known each other long enough that I think it’s fair to say it’s going to stick.”
Shay’s cheeks flushed slightly. “I sure hope so.”
“So, what’s the call about?” I asked, my impatience to know winning the battle against my attempt to be rational.
Shay’s eyes narrowed slightly, but blessedly, she answered. “It’s a car accident. Roads are icy tonight because it warmed up. A little melting on these mountain roads, and that means black ice at night.” She sighed. “I try not to worry. You know?”
When she leveled her gaze with mine, I managed a nod and hoped I looked calm and normal. Unfortunately, inside, my heartbeat zoomed along at an unsteady pace and my stomach was knotted. I knew this wasn’t rational.
“Hey, are you okay?” Shay asked as she pushed away from the counter. She lifted a hand and ran it over my shoulder, squeezing lightly at my elbow.
I tried to take a deep breath and calm the irregular beat of my heart, but it was to no avail.
When I was a little girl, my mother used to tease that my emotions were always written in magic marker on my face.
About now—well, just about any time I didn’t want someone to know what I was thinking or feeling—I hated that.
I finally shook my head. “I think I’m going a little crazy.” Stepping forward, I leaned my elbows on the counter. Resting my face in my hands, I muttered, “Fuck.” I tried to take several soothing breaths, but my lungs weren’t cooperating.
Tunneling my hands through my curls, I smoothed them back as I straightened and glanced down, noticing my elbows left dusty smudges on the counter.
I looked over at Shay. “Sorry, I just got your clean counter dirty. I was just downstairs petting Misty. Promise me y’all will keep her.
” I was all about distractions, and discussing a sweet rescue horse was perfect.
Shay’s lips quirked in a small smile. “I already talked to Jackson. She’s got such a good temperament. He’s on board. As for the counter, it’s no biggie. Tell me why you’re going crazy.”
“I think I need a drink for this,” I said bluntly, swallowing against the emotion tightening my chest and hoping the tears I felt stinging my eyes didn’t break free.
“Okay then. Let me grab my jacket.” Shay blessedly didn’t comment further.
While Shay jogged down to the hallway to her office, I got a clean paper towel from behind the desk and quickly sprayed the disinfectant on the counter again. It probably wasn’t necessary, but she had just finished cleaning.
In another moment, she returned. “Shall we go to the staff kitchen? Or over to Jackson’s place?” Shay asked as we reached the front door.
Sliding my gaze to her, I said, “For starters, you need to start calling it your place. You live there.”
Shay rolled her eyes. “I’m not used to it. Give me some time.”
“Fine. As for where we go, I don’t really care. Wherever the wine is. I know there’s plenty over at the staff kitchen.”
“Now that you mention it, we’re all out. It’s on my grocery list. You think anyone else is over in the staff kitchen right now?” she asked as she fell into step beside me.
“Doubtful. The restaurant’s in full swing right now, so it’s probably quiet back there. Plus, we can always hide out in my office if we feel like it.”
Our breath misted in the air as we walked between the section of the old farm to where the lodge and restaurant were.
The icy rain had temporarily stopped, but it didn’t make the air any warmer.
We crested a small rise through the trees and the lights from the lodge came into view.
It was blazing bright downstairs, with the parking lot at capacity and cars spilling out into the driveway.
Every time I thought about how busy it was, I felt a surge of pride. I loved running the restaurant. I loved to cook, and I finally had a restaurant where I could put my skills to work after having done a stint in a culinary school in New York City after college.
It was also fun being in charge, and I considered myself a benevolent boss. The role suited my personality quite well. I’d never done well answering to others, and Jackson just let me be. Although Ash was hardly ever around these days, when she was, she did too.
Shay and I stepped in through the back door, warmth enveloping us. As I’d predicted, this section of the kitchen was empty. When the restaurant was that busy, the only time anybody would run back here was if they needed something from the pantry.
While Shay fetched us some wine, I poked around in our staff refrigerator to see what leftovers we had. Finding almost half a pan of lasagna, I called over my shoulder, “Are you okay if I reheat lasagna to go with our wine?”
“Hell yeah,” Shay called in reply. “I take it we’ll go with a red wine for that then.”
“Perfect,” I replied. “I’m just gonna toss it in the microwave and sneak up front to see if we have any fresh garlic bread.”
Hurrying into the restaurant kitchen, I caught one of the line cook’s eyes and mouthed, “Garlic bread.”
He grinned, nudging his coworker in the side. The other guy spun to quickly to snag one of the loaves wrapped in foil and waiting in the warming section of the oven.