Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
DANI
Wade’s words played on a loop in my mind over the next few days. As luck would have it, my schedule and his didn’t match at all. Although he had said I was welcome at his place anytime, I couldn’t quite bring myself to go over there on the nights I knew he was on call when I was working late.
I told myself it was for the best, that we needed time to adjust. In all honesty, my doubts and anxieties were so well-established, they were winning the marathon in my brain.
More and more, I was sensing I was the one who’d gone and fallen too hard and fast. I wasn’t so sure Wade was where I was on this spectrum of madness.
Late one afternoon, I headed over to the vet clinic to meet with Shay and Valentina.
We met together monthly to review numbers and go over accounts together.
While Shay handled the management for the rescue program and the vet clinic, I handled everything for the lodge with the exception of the reservations.
I occasionally marveled that I had somehow managed to handle all of it before.
It had been haphazard at best. As it was, I was still thanking my stars we had Valentina handling all of the bookkeeping and accounting.
I ducked my head down as a blast of icy wind came through the valley.
As I walked through the trees between the lodge and the old farm, I looked up and saw Gloria ambling along ahead of me.
The giant pig appeared to hear me. She stopped where she was and looked back. Curling my hand around my laptop bag, I picked up my speed. “Hey, Gloria girl,” I said when I reached her side.
Gloria sniffed my knee and leaned her head against my leg. With my gloved fingers, I stroked between her ears and she made snuffling sounds and began to amble along by my side as I hurried the rest of the way to the clinic.
Pausing beside the barn entrance, I glanced down to her. “You headed back to your barn?” I asked. As if she could actually understand my question. I took it as a yes when she gave me a gentle nudge on the knee and continued walking in that direction.
Letting myself through the side door into the barn, I breathed a sigh of relief when the warmth surrounded me.
I hurried up the stairs that led to the back hallway in the vet clinic.
When I crested the landing, I unzipped my jacket and paused to turn on the Christmas lights back here.
Shay had strung them along the ceiling in all of the offices after we’d decorated the reception area.
Only a week and a half until Christmas. My belly fluttered, and I wondered why Christmas elicited thoughts of Wade. As I walked down the hallway, my footsteps loud on the vinyl tiles, my mind spun back to the Christmas before Wade and I had ever even kissed back in high school.
Since I was friends with Wade and his younger sister, they had invited me over that afternoon, after all the family activities had finished. His sister, Piper, was teasing him about some girl she thought he had a crush on. The following day, he fessed up that I was the object of his crush.
“Dani.” Valentina’s voice punctured my foray to a memory I’d willfully ignored for years. Looking up, I saw her leaning out of her office door, her brows raised.
“Right here,” I said as I strode toward her.
When I reached her, she smiled. “That’s the third time I said your name. I was wondering if I should start a fresh pot of coffee,” she explained as I stepped through her office door.
“I always say yes to coffee, but thanks for asking,” I replied, breezing past her observation that apparently I hadn’t heard her say my name twice. Setting my laptop bag down on the round table in the corner of her office, I shrugged out of my jacket and sat down. “Where’s Shay?”
“Checking someone out up front. She’ll be back in a few minutes,” Valentina replied over her shoulder as she prepped the coffee and hit the start button on the pot situated on a small table against the wall by her desk.
Just then, Shay came through the door with her laptop. I was relieved she appeared and temporarily cut off the opportunity for Valentina to follow up on her observation. I didn’t like to be caught zoning out, especially not about Wade.
“Oh good,” Shay said as she sat down with a flourish. “Thank God you started coffee. Jackson finished off the pot up front.”
Valentina smiled as she slipped into a chair. “Since we share the coffee out front with clients, it goes a lot quicker.”
“I know,” Shay agreed. “Plus, Jackson’s a total coffee hog, and Skylar’s no slouch.”
“How is Skylar working out?” I asked as I pulled up the spreadsheets for the lodge business.
“Great,” Shay replied with a vigorous nod, her blonde ponytail swinging back and forth. “I’m so glad Jackson finally hired her. Without Ash, he’s up to his eyeballs with his schedule. She can handle a lot of the easier stuff, like shots and so on.”
“Any word on when Ash might be back?” I asked.
Shay shrugged. “Honestly, no. She calls, I don’t know, every couple of weeks to check in with Jackson or me.
She’s supposed to be here for Christmas, but she still hasn’t called us with the dates.
Not that it matters. She’s always welcome.
I guess I just worry a little. I know—because of the mess of my life the last few years before I moved back—that she and I weren’t in the best of touch.
But that was more my fault than hers. This isn’t her usual MO to stay out of touch, so it worries me. ”
Leaning back in my chair, I nodded. “I know. I’m guessing it’s her idiot boyfriend.”
Valentina glanced between us, her gaze curious. Shay met her eyes and shrugged. “I haven’t met the guy. But, Jackson’s not a fan. Says he’s a total player and has Ash chasing after him.”
“That about sums it up,” I offered. “I only met him the one time. Ash met him on the rodeo circuit and brought him here for, like, a week or two the summer before last. He was so busy flirting with everybody, there’s no way she didn’t notice.”
Valentina’s brow furrowed. “Oh. Well, let’s hope for the best.”
“Trust me, I’ll try to pry some info out of her when she’s here. She can’t be any more embarrassed than I was. It’s not hard to fall into dating a total asshole,” Shay commented.
The coffee pot beeped, shifting us off the conversation. “Coffee for everyone?” Valentina asked as she stood.
“Of course,” Shay and I replied in unison.
Shay nudged me with her elbow and giggled. “Jinx.”
In a matter of minutes, we buckled down and got to work. After two hours of pouring over numbers and making sure everything was as it should be, I tugged on my winter coat to head back over to the lodge.
I left Valentina and Shay behind while they compared options for vet supply companies. Jackson’s voice carried down the hallway as he spoke soothingly to an animal. The upper hallway door closed behind me, and the quiet of the barn below enveloped me as I walked downstairs.
My winter boots had soft rubber soles, which was probably the only reason Wade and Lucas didn’t hear me coming down the stairs.
Lucas’s voice carried up to me. “So, it sounds like things might be getting serious with Dani, huh?”
I froze, curling my fingers tightly around the strap of my laptop bag with one hand and hanging onto the round wooden railing by the stairs with the other as if my life depended upon it. I could hardly breathe, almost leaning forward out of fear I might miss Wade’s reply.
Whatever he said initially was masked by the sound of a rake dragging through the dirt aisle between the stalls. What I heard next was loud and clear. “Hard to say. Dani’s holding things close. But then, that’s how she is.”
My mouth fell open. Although I’d known Wade for years, I was still startled by how accurate his observation was.
“What about you though?” Lucas asked next.
Wade’s voice was even louder now, so I presumed he’d walked closer to this end of the barn. “I’m not sure. Part of me wants to take things to the next level, but if it’s not what Dani wants, then I need to back off.”
My breath caught in my throat and a sudden rush of tears pressed hot in my eyes. I blinked rapidly. Don’t you dare start crying here on the stairs.
I tried to breathe as silently as possible. With the way my heart was pounding and my gut was churning, that was no easy feat.
Lucas said something else I didn’t capture, but then Wade’s voice carried to me again.
“She’s freaking out about kids. I want kids.
I always have, honestly. Dani definitely went through some stuff, but she’s gone from being able to do nothing but give me hell to running hot and cold. I just don’t know what she wants.”
“You didn’t really answer my question,” Lucas drawled.
Although I was still fighting tears, I almost laughed. I had noticed the same thing.
At that moment, the door at the top of the stairs opened and I heard Jackson and Shay. With no choice, I resumed walking down. When I stepped off the bottom stair, Wade leaned around the wide archway leading into the barn. “Oh, hey,” he said. “I thought I heard Jackson.”
I prayed my face didn’t give me away. “He’s right behind me,” I managed, gesturing over my shoulder.
I kept moving, only stopping when Wade lightly caught my elbow. “Hey, what’s the rush?” His tone was light.
When I spun back, I collided with his warm dark eyes. For just a moment, the temptation to lose myself in his gaze was almost overwhelming.
“I’m always in a rush,” I managed to tease, relieved when Jackson called, “Hey, Wade,” from behind me. I jerked away. “I have to get to the kitchen.” My words came out in a hurried burst before I almost ran through the door.
Christmas decorations were taunting me everywhere.
Or at least, that was how it felt. For three days straight, I worked more relentlessly than usual.
Up daily before dawn, I walked through the cold darkness to make festive holiday baked goods.
We were always short a few staff over the holidays because I never wanted work to interfere with family needs.
Instead of running with a thin crew, I even waited tables one evening.
Anything to assist me in my quest to avoid Wade.
I didn’t know what I’d been hoping for. Since my coping skills of avoidance and denial had been quite successful for years, I hadn’t even allowed myself to think much about what I might have wanted for Wade and me, much less allowed something as expansive as hope to walk through the gates to my heart.
I supposed I’d subconsciously hoped for him to at least be able to say I meant something.
Rational or not, the tangled past we shared and my not-so-sensible worries about just how important children were to him all twined into the uncertainty I heard in his voice.
That uncertainty helped me make the decision I felt necessary.
I told myself I could be adult enough not to ice him out of my life, but I just needed a little time before we could be casual and friendly again.
I was standing at the reception desk, juggling between phone calls and fielding customers as I escorted them quickly in and out of the restaurant.
There was nothing unusual about tonight.
With holiday lights glittering all around and festive cheer permeating the restaurant, I was struggling to keep my spirits up.
You’re overreacting, my critical voice intoned.
I was as annoyed with myself as I could be. I didn’t like feeling like that silly girl who suddenly pinned her hopes on a happily ever after. Especially since I’d been the one to fight so hard against the chemistry between Wade and me.
I was just returning from escorting a family to a table when I felt a sharp, pinching pain in my lower left abdomen. Fear flashed through me.
That was the thing about having something like that almost deadly miscarriage happen.
I’d become hyper-sensitive to any little twinge in that zone.
I wasn’t worried about being pregnant, even in spite of Wade and I forgetting to use a condom that one time.
With my IUD, the chances were quite low.
But it didn’t change my acute sensitivity to anything anywhere near the reproductive area.
It’s nothing. It has to be nothing.
I stayed busy enough that I mostly forgot about it until the pain settled in. It wasn’t acute, just a deep, achy sensation that wouldn’t let up.
I happened to know Wade was on call tonight. I was both relieved and disappointed. I craved the comfort of his embrace, while simultaneously telling myself I was being crazy. I didn’t need comfort for anything.
I lay in my bed that night, alone. The pain was still there. I ran my hand over my abdomen. It wasn’t cramps, but I suspected something wasn’t right.