26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Carrington
I t’s about fifteen degrees cooler in Seattle when I land, and I wish I had thought to bring a jacket. It was just another thing I seemed to have forgotten when I boarded the plane to South Carolina three weeks ago.
I’m torn when I step outside of the airport terminal and wait in line for an Uber. Everything here feels like home. The damp, chilly air, Mt. Rainier in the distance. It’s the home I’ve built for myself over the last thirteen years, putting my blood, sweat, and tears into making something of myself here. And although everything seems familiar and welcoming, inside I’m restless, like a string pulled too tight, ready to snap. I feel like I’ve forgotten something important back in South Carolina. It’s taking all of my effort not to turn around and go back into the airport to find the next flight back.
I texted Iris before take off, letting her know my plans to come back have not changed. I told her I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I do have to stop by the apartment to pick up some things. Thankfully, Seth has agreed to let me stay in his spare room while I’m here. He refrained from outright chewing me out again over the phone, but I’m sure I can look forward to it when I see him later today.
As I ride in silence in my Uber through the city to my apartment, I’m taken back to the memories I’ve created here. Somehow the only ones I can recall all center around Thea. Nights out eating dinner, dancing in random bars until closing time, finding all the best dessert spots, quiet rainy days spent on the couch. I somehow managed to ruin everything. Even still, I’m determined to find a way to get her to forgive me. It’s a tall order, but knowing she still loves me—and I refuse to entertain the idea that she changed her mind—I can’t just go back to my life here.
I have no life here if she’s not in it.
By the time the car pulls up to my building, it’s drizzling. I thank the driver, make sure to tip him well for the long trip, and hurry into the lobby and elevator. When I unlock the door to the apartment, I see Iris sitting on the couch under a blanket, TV off, takeout cartons on the coffee table in front of her. She looks up at me, and even with her splotchy face and eyes swollen from tears, she’s poised and beautiful. It’s something that initially drew my attraction to her. She always seemed effortless and in command of any situation. Having her attention made me feel special, as if I could say, hey, she chose me.
I hate myself for what I’ve done to her. Despite her posh exterior, she’s the kindest person I know. Her innate goodness just amplifies the disgust I feel with myself for hurting her.
I awkwardly wave and make my way to the bedroom we shared without a word. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible. Give her some semblance of peace.
I collect more clothes, packing a suitcase, so I have more than just the duffle I traveled to Indigo Hill with. I’ll have to set up movers to pack up and move my things into storage until I figure out how I can either get rid of them or ship them to the other side of the country. Most of the furniture belonged to Iris before we moved in together, and I’m happy to leave anything we bought together here. It’s all her style anyway.
I pause when I get to the bathroom. Leaning my hands on the counter, I look at myself in the mirror. I feel a headache coming on—the result of the lack of sleep over the last few days and the uncertainty of the next few weeks. I stare for a few more minutes, taking some deep breaths. Then I grab the last of my toiletries, go back out to the bedroom, and drop them into the open suitcase.
Looking around the room, I realize, besides some seasonal clothes in the closet and a handful of books out in the living room, my belongings have fit into this bag. I get the sinking feeling that I’ve been on my way out since the day I moved in. With a sigh, I zip up the luggage.
When I make my way back to the front door, I look to the living room and see Iris hasn’t moved, but she seems more put-together now. I take a few steps into the room.
“I’m sorry,” I rasp out. “I’m so sorry about how this all turned out. I need you to know I never had any idea that… that would happen when I went there. I didn’t even think about it.” My words are met by a quiet scoff from her, and she brings her eyes to the ceiling.
“I should have known something was wrong when you were barely talking to me. I just thought you were grieving and needed space,” she says. Her eyes come back to me.
“I’m so sorry,” I say again. I don’t have the words to express how much I regret the way I handled the situation. “There’s just… so much history.”
“I can see that now. I just don’t know how I didn’t see it in the six years we’ve been together. How could you not tell me about her? In the back of my mind I knew there was always something off. You never really let me in fully. I should have listened to my gut when you kept putting off setting a date.” She pauses. “Tell me, Cary. Why did you even propose?”
There’s a long silence as her resentful question hangs in the air between us. I take a deep breath and answer, “I didn’t.”
3 Years Ago
(28 years old)
I have the restaurant’s monthlies spread out on the coffee table in front of me and on the couch next to me, trying to make sense of the reports Seth sent me. The man loves a good spreadsheet and seems to keep track of everything in his life on Excel. I’ve been staring at the numbers for over an hour, and I’m no closer to figuring out what he thinks I need to see here. I run my hand through my long hair and stretch out my neck.
It’s Monday afternoon, my day off since Carina Cove is closed. Iris has also organized her schedule so she has Mondays free. We typically spend the day running errands or just being lazy at home. Today, she insisted on spring cleaning, so she’s in our bedroom, rummaging through the walk-in closet tossing clothes out into several piles. She says she has a system—I just know I have to make myself scarce.
“Care Bear,” Iris says, and I hear her padding down the hall to me. She stops in front of me, the coffee table between us.
“Hmm?” I say, eyes still on the papers in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” she says. At that, I look up and am greeted by a sheepish and worried look on her face.
“What’s going on? Why do you look like that?” She’s holding her hands behind her back.
“I’m so sorry. I was cleaning out the closet, and I found it. I know it was all the way in the back of the closet with your things, but I just wanted to shift some stuff over, and it fell off the shelf. And then I couldn’t help but look, and it’s beautiful.” She’s rambling, which is very much out of character for her. I would find it cute, but I still have no idea what she’s talking about, and my face must say as much because she continues, “I don’t know what you had planned, but I’m really so happy, so just know, my answer is yes.”
“Arizona, what are you talking about?” I ask.
She pulls her hands from behind her back and holds a small blue box in her palm. I instantly recognize it for what it is, and my heart stutters. Memories of what seems like another life fill my head: wavy blonde hair, warm brown eyes, standing alone in a room full of lit candles and peonies.
Iris’ smile is wide and tears are welling in her blue eyes. It’s exactly the expression I was hoping for when I presented the ring, unfortunately it’s the wrong girl’s face shining all that love at me. I can’t force any words out, and Iris takes that as shock at her finding the ring. The ring she probably hates. It’s not her style at all. She hasn’t gone so far as to send me pictures of the types of rings she wants, but I just know after being with her for three years, living together for two of them.
She rushes to me around the coffee table and hugs me tightly, repeating yes and I love you over and over. I still haven’t said a word.
Present
“What do you mean you didn’t?” she asks, tears welling.
“Iris.” I pause, not knowing how to continue. “You found the ring. You… assumed. After all the time we’d been together, I didn’t know how to tell you the truth. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was still heartbroken five years after the woman I bought that ring for left me without looking back.” My voice falters, but I continue, “I didn’t know how to tell you that I carried that ring with me for a year after she left, and it wasn’t until I had been seeing my therapist for months that I felt ready to leave it behind every day. I still couldn’t get rid of it though. And then you found it. And you were so happy. So I figured I could find a way to be happy too.”
“Oh my God.” She devolves into sobs.
“I’m so, so fucking sorry.” I have no other words, so I just step close to her and envelope her in a hug, trying to help comfort her the best I can. I kiss her head and whisper I’m sorry again, before pulling away.
I gather my bags from where I left them by the door and quietly leave. I thought my biggest regret in life was not following Thea when she left. Now I know it’s lying to the amazing woman I left crying on the couch. She deserves so much better than I gave her, and I’ll live with the guilt of the hurt I’ve caused her forever.
I steel myself before knocking on Seth’s door. He and Iris have grown close over the years, so I’ve put him in a difficult position. When I called to ask if I could stay with him for the next week or so, I could tell he knew what happened before I even started speaking. Thankfully, his loyalty to me won out over his sympathy for Iris.
Seth opens the door and doesn’t say anything. He just turns and walks into his kitchen. I take my time removing my shoes and coat then move my suitcase and duffle down the hall toward the bedrooms before I meet him in the kitchen.
The disappointment rolling off him is palpable as he stands with his hip propped against the counter. My actions are hitting too close to home for him. Seth’s father’s cheating while married to his mother resulted in a messy divorce. His mother was torn up about it, and he was left to help pick up her pieces even though he was barely twelve at the time.
I put my hands in my pants’ pockets and lean on the doorframe. I’m sure he’s dying to say something, but, like me, he doesn’t know where to start.
Suddenly, he pushes off and makes his way to the fridge, pulling out two beers. He pops them both open and hands one over to me. I nod in thanks and take a long pull of the bottle.
“I know I fucked up,” I finally say. “Can we just skip the part where you lay into me? Trust me, I’m feeling bad enough about what I did.”
“No, I don’t think you are,” Seth says and takes a sip. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking, alright?”
“No, not alright. Not fucking alright. You can’t keep it in your pants for three weeks?” His voice is rising, frustration and anger on Iris’ behalf clear.
“Fuck you, man,” I throw back, my own anger rising. I know what I did was wrong. I know, and I feel like shit about it. I came here hoping for a friend, not a lecture. “You of all people know that isn’t how it went down. I didn’t go to South Carolina intending for any of this to happen. My parents fucking died . And Thea… fuck, she’s been perfect throughout this whole thing. You know she’s it for me. She always has been.”
“You made a commitment to Iris. She was supposed to be it for you. You promised her forever, and then five minutes with Thea, and Iris doesn’t even exist to you.” A flash of hurt crosses his features, and I’m not sure why. I understand sympathizing with Iris, they’re close. But this feels more personal. Though as quick as the emotion flits over his face, it’s quickly replaced with that same disappointment from before.
“You know I’d never hurt Iris if I could avoid it.” I pause and sigh. I’m not here to fight with another person I consider important in my life. “I know what I did was fucked up, I know. And Iris deserves so much better than that. The woman is a saint. But you also know I never promised her forever. That ring wasn’t for her.”
My words are met with silence, and I imagine he’s thinking back to that day at the jeweler’s. He drops his eyes to the floor, and I continue, “I had no idea Thea still cared for me. Hell, I didn’t even let myself hope that she thought of me on occasion. Everything I shoved down deep—that I tried to get rid of with therapy and work and… Iris—it all came back as soon as I saw her. It felt right—inevitable. The only thing separating us was—is—miles. Everything we had, all the feelings, they’re all still there. Maybe even stronger now because neither of us is afraid to speak the truth or hurt each other’s feelings anymore.”
Another silence stretches between us. Seth takes another pull from his bottle and places it on the kitchen island in front of him. After a few moments, he nods slowly and looks up at me.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
“I’m leaving. I know that puts a lot on you, and I know you had to miss your trip already, but I just… I have to figure out a way to step back from Carina Cove. I love the restaurant, but I belong wherever Thea is,” I say.
He huffs. “You’re just going to give it up to go back to your small town to… what? Run a restaurant in a seasonal tourist town? You could be huge here. You’re so close,” he pleads with me.
“I know you don’t understand this, but I can’t find happiness in numbers on a spreadsheet. Success here means nothing to me if she’s not part of my life.”
“I think you’re making a mistake,” Seth says, resigned.
“I think this is the first right thing I’ve done in a really long time,” I say with a smile before finishing the rest of my beer.