Chapter 19 #2
“They can’t all be the greatest love song of all time,” Renee protested.
“Why not?” Lola asked, pulling her in for a kiss.
T HE NEXT DAY , they took the stairs down to the beach and walked the damp, windblown shoreline.
The sky was spotted with clouds that split the day between sharp light and shadow.
Lola hadn’t bothered to put her contacts in, or any makeup on, and her hair was hastily pulled back.
Before they left, Renee had dug out an old jacket for her.
It crinkled whenever she moved, and the sleeves hung past her hands, but Renee insisted that the wool coat she’d brought was too fashionable for northern Michigan.
Lola’s hand was on the door when Renee said, “Maybe I’ll take my camera—I brought my old one. Not for the film,” she added. “For me. For us.”
Down at the beach, Renee filmed the wind whipping Lola’s hair around her face, and their conversations about nothing in particular, and how the reflection of the sun on the water made Lola squint.
Lola scoured the ground for leopard-spotted Petoskey stones, and though she didn’t find any, she found a dozen other special shells or rocks.
Each time she let out a gleeful little cackle, then rinsed her new treasure in the lake and showed it to Renee.
Renee zoomed in on a red stone in Lola’s palm that she declared was definitely an agate.
“How do you know what an agate is?” she asked.
“I’ve worked with several crystal dealers,” Lola answered seriously. “Why are you laughing?”
But Renee couldn’t stop giggling even after Lola added the definite agate to her pocket collection.
Lola asked, “Can I hold the camera?”
Renee handed it over, then stood behind Lola, stooping a little so their eyes were level. “Hold it here,” she said, maneuvering Lola’s arms, then her fingers. “That’s the zoom. The autofocus is on—”
“Can I hold it like this?” Lola asked. She turned the camera around in her hands, so it pointed toward them.
In the eye of the lens, they could see the reflection of their faces, Renee’s nestled over Lola’s shoulder.
A lock of hair escaped from Lola’s ponytail and caught on the knit of Renee’s beanie.
Renee slid her arms around Lola’s waist. “You can hold it like that.”
“Look at us,” Lola said, grinning at the image of them.
Lola kissed Renee’s cheek, and watched her smile grow.
B ACK AT THE house, Renee fiddled with the camera.
“You can’t put that thing down,” Lola said.
“I like filming you.”
“You like filming . That’s the awful thing about being an artist. You can’t stop doing it.”
“Then play something for me.” Renee cocked her head toward Dave’s guitar.
Lola grabbed it and stroked her thumb over the strings. “ You are my sunshine … ”
“Not that—what was the song you were playing before? I liked that.”
“That wasn’t a song, it was nothing. I don’t know if I even remember it.”
But her fingers found the melody again, as Renee began to film.
L OLA COULD NOT get enough of Renee. She was obsessed with her body: her breasts, full enough to overflow Lola’s hands, her ass cheeks peeking out from the bottom of the shorts she wore in the morning, the dimples on her thighs and the dark hair between her legs.
She was robust and solid and alive to Lola’s touch.
Lola felt like she’d never tire of hearing Renee draw out the sound of her name, long and slow, as she came.
But as much as Lola had her fill of Renee, she was holding something back. She still hadn’t let Renee fully reciprocate. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Renee to touch her—she did, and Lola loved it—but when her attention turned to Lola’s orgasm, Lola tensed and found a way to redirect things.
Renee seemed like the kind of person who would mention it, but Lola almost didn’t want her to.
It was crushingly embarrassing to admit that she was uncomfortable receiving pleasure.
It had always been so much easier to worry about making sure her partner was happy, and taking pleasure in that.
It meant that Lola’s partners didn’t often make her come.
But now, with Renee, she wanted to.
T HEY WERE SITTING on the deck watching the sunset on the third day. Their conversation had drifted off when Renee said, a little abruptly, “I think you worry too much about making other people happy.”
“Yes, I’m a people pleaser.” Lola laughed. “But you seem to be enjoying it.”
Lola had meant it as a sexy joke, but Renee’s expression was earnest.
“You know I am. I love it that you like giving. It’s so hot how much it turns you on. And you’re really fucking good at it. But I’m wondering if that’s the only thing you like. I’m not sure how much you want me to touch you.”
“You do touch me.”
“But I could touch you more. Like, I could get you off, if you wanted. Or not, if you don’t.”
Lola chewed the inside of her cheek, unsure what to say. She wished that being honest didn’t have to be so embarrassing.
Renee was watching her without judgment. “We’re just talking, okay?”
“I’m just not always sure what I want,” Lola finally managed. “It’s easier to think about the other person first.”
“Okay,” Renee said. “But the other person should be thinking of you too.”
“I know, but they don’t always, do they?”
“Did Ava?”
“With Ava, we never had a lot of time together. I wanted to make sure she was happy, so we didn’t waste it.”
Renee darkened. “She said getting you off was a waste of time?”
“No, she didn’t!” Lola didn’t know why she was defending Ava. It was worse that she had thought that about herself. Shame shivered in her belly. “We both liked it when things were about her. When it came to me, I would get so anxious. I’d ask her to stop or—or I’d fake it.”
“Why were you anxious?” Renee asked gently.
Lola’s cheeks were burning but she made herself answer.
“At the beginning, she was always talking about how she had such amazing oral skills, she could make any girl come like that, and I felt all this pressure, like if I didn’t—you know, and do it fast, then she’d be disappointed.
I guess I thought I’d relax about it eventually, but I never really did. ”
The muscles in Renee’s jaw flickered as she ground her teeth.
“You look mad,” Lola said.
“I am—at Ava. You were uncomfortable and the person who’s supposed to make you feel good didn’t care. She got what she wanted and did nothing in return.” Suddenly Renee went pale. “Is that what you think I want?”
“No,” Lola said forcefully. “Look, that relationship had a lot of problems. But I wanted to make her feel good, like I want to make you feel good.”
“I don’t understand,” Renee said. “That night at the wedding, I hadn’t seen you in years. You had no reason to care how I felt.”
“You know I did.” Lola’s gaze flickered to Renee’s eyes, then back to the lake.
She didn’t want to look at her while she explained this.
“And at the wedding, I was spinning out. I felt like my career was slipping away, and I’d always imagined myself there with Ava.
Sometimes, when the pressure’s that high, sex feels like this one perfect thing I have control over.
That feels right . I wanted to lose myself in you for a few hours. ”
“Fuck.”
When Lola looked over, Renee was shaking her head.
“What’s wrong with that?” Lola’s whole body was hot, despite the cold air.
“Nothing’s wrong with that. What I meant is, you are so fucking hot.
And I appreciate you telling me that.” Renee pulled Lola’s hand toward her mouth and kissed her knuckles, then her palm.
“But what if you thought about sex as more about feeling good, than being good? Because you are good, Lo. I’ll tell you that a million times, in bed and anywhere else you need to hear it.
But you deserve to feel it too, don’t you think? ”
There was a lump in Lola’s throat. Somehow it felt like the conversation had become about more than orgasms, and she couldn’t express why. “I guess so,” she managed to say.
“I know you do,” Renee said. “And you trust me, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Then trust me with this. Let’s try some new things together. Maybe you’ll find something you like, or maybe you won’t, but we always have fun in bed, right?”
“We do.” Lola felt herself smile. “Okay. I think I’d like that. But I don’t want to make any promises, like if I can’t—”
“The only promise I need is that you’ll tell me what feels good and let yourself feel it. We can stop whenever you say—if you come or if you don’t.” Renee paused to lick her lips. “But I have to warn you, I can be very, very patient.”
Lola’s gaze snared on that mouth. There had been so many moments in the last few months when Renee had known just what Lola needed.
Even on their first night here, she’d found a way to satisfy Lola without bringing any of this up—hell, they’d both come without even taking all their clothes off.
Lola trusted Renee. And she wanted this. “Should we … start now?”