Chapter 40 #2
At the sound of that voice, Renee’s heart shot to her throat, her fist clenching up on the wet rag in her hand.
“Hi,” Lola said. She was wrapped in a puffy coat, her cheeks stung red by the frigid evening.
“What are you doing here?” Renee breathed.
“I was in the mood for a coffee.” Then she blushed violently— god , Renee loved when she blushed. “Sorry, this probably isn’t the moment for a joke.”
“I don’t know, I’ve always liked your terrible jokes.”
Lola’s sheepish smile lit Renee up. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” Renee hurried to lock the door as her internal systems moved to high alert. “Wouldn’t want one of your fans to interrupt us, ha ha.” She actually said ha ha. “We get them in here all the time.”
This was her chance to say all the things she’d been imagining she’d say to Lola—the apologies, the confessions of everlasting love—and she was talking about Lo-Lites?
“You don’t have to be nervous,” Lola said.
“I’m not nervous,” said Renee, who was screamingly nervous. She took a few steps toward Lola, that stupid wet rag still in her hands. She flung it behind the counter, where it landed with a smack on the floor. “Okay, I’m a little nervous.”
“I got your video.”
Renee’s stomach twisted. She’d sent the video two days ago, and Lola hadn’t responded. “I’m sorry if that was too much. It felt like what the song needed, you know? It wasn’t meant to be the official music video or anything. It was just for you. For us.”
“It was perfect. It was everything I wanted.”
Lola’s big brown eyes were round and shining. She was everything Renee wanted, and so close. Renee could have reached out and touched her, but the space between them felt as huge as the last three months.
“God, Lo, I’m so sorry.” Her voice had already broken.
“I did so many things wrong. I never should have pressured you on the—on your privacy and putting it in the film. I really thought I was being supportive, but I can see now that it didn’t feel that way.
I was so stressed about my thesis, which is completely stupid because I actually dropped out of school and I’m a lot happier now.
I should never have talked to Ava without your permission.
That was so fucking stupid. I’ve been so fucking stupid .
“But the stupidest thing, the thing I regret the most, is walking out on you. I was really hurt and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I just left. That wasn’t fair. I’m not asking you to forgive me, Lo. Well, I kind of am, because this is an apology—but I understand if you can’t.”
Renee’s heart raced from so much blathering, but Lola was staring at her with her eyes wide. “Fuck, that was a terrible apology. I’ve been thinking about that for weeks, and it came out awful .”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me.”
Renee didn’t mean to laugh again, but that was just ridiculous. “Lo, you’re the only person I want to talk to.”
“Me too,” Lola said, her voice soft. She took a few steps closer to Renee.
“The last few months, so much has happened—good things—but it all feels hollow without you. I have a lot of regrets too. I didn’t trust you when I should have.
I was having second thoughts about coming out.
I see now that that’s normal, but at the time, I thought I’d be disappointing you if I was honest—”
Renee’s feet moved without her thinking, closing the rest of the space between them. “No! Lo, never. That’s your decision.”
“You were right! I wasn’t happy and you saw that. You told me I could change, but I wasn’t ready to accept that advice. And I had people in my life who I trusted, who wanted things to stay how they were.”
“Gloriana.”
“I let her convince me that you were the problem, when you were so far from it. I should never have told her we wouldn’t be seen together.”
“You were trying to protect us,” Renee said.
Lola shook her head. “Don’t make it sound kinder than it was. I was trying to protect myself. After you left, I thought about shelving the album, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“Yeah, because those songs are fucking good. ”
Lola’s eyes flashed. “I know. I wanted to release ‘Starcrossed’ anyway, but Gloriana wouldn’t let that happen. She told me the label needed me to rewrite the lyrics.”
Renee’s chest swelled. “She came for your music ?”
“That’s not all. Gloriana admitted to sending that photographer after us in Petoskey. She didn’t like who I was becoming with you .”
Renee felt sick for Lola. Gloriana was like a second mother to her. That kind of betrayal hurt . She wanted to take Lola in her arms and hold her close, but instead she said, “Do you want me to murder her? I’ve never done that before, but I think I could pull it off.”
Lola laughed. “I fired her, which is the next best thing. My new management supports me coming out whenever I decide to.”
As Lola said this, Renee’s phone rattled against the counter. Renee ignored it, but a little smirk appeared on Lola’s face.
“I saw the reaction to ‘Starcrossed,’” Renee said. “I know the gays can eat their own, but I never thought they’d be so cruel. Like, I thought the conservatives would hate it—”
“Oh, they do,” Lola said. “You’re just not on that part of the internet.”
“But the queers should have loved it and they’re dragging you like their lives depend on it. You don’t owe them anything, you know that, right?”
“I don’t know,” Lola said. “They’re right to be mad that I’ve been having it both ways. I haven’t even been a good ally, let alone a good queer person.”
“You don’t have to be a good queer person ,” Renee snorted. “It’s enough just to be yourself.”
Renee’s phone buzzed again. Renee grabbed for it. “Sorry, that’s so annoying.”
But then she looked at the screen. It was filled with texts from Kadijah.
Did you see lola came out?
Omg I think she’s At PRINCES????
Omg are you there?
This is so romantic I’m literally dying!!!
Renee gazed up at Lola, her mouth hanging open. “Lo, what did you do?”
Lola was beaming back at her, a huge, satisfied smile. “I just made a post from outside.”
Renee’s thumb was trembling as she navigated to Lola’s Instagram. There was a video there of Lola standing outside Prince’s, her breath steaming in the bitter cold.
“ I’m back in my hometown for a few days and there’s something I want to tell you.
I’ve been keeping this to myself for a long time, because it felt like there was never the perfect time to share it.
But I’ve realized that the perfect time is one you choose for yourself.
The big secret is that I’m queer. I’m bisexual, and I always have been.
” In the video, Lola paused and looked away from the camera as emotion passed over her face and resolved into a smile.
“ It feels so, so good to finally say that. So, yeah, that’s it. Love you all. ”
Renee stared at her phone, slack-jawed with shock, as the video looped.
“Can you stop playing that?” Lola said. “I love listening to myself talk too, but …”
“Wait, so you just—” Renee asked, baffled, as she silenced the video. “Like just now—outside? No parade?”
“I got tired of waiting for the parade planners to get their act together,” Lola said, grinning.
This time, Renee didn’t stop herself. She circled her arms around Lola’s waist and drew her in. Even in her huge parka, Lola’s body still fit against hers like it belonged there.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
The look on Lola’s face was something like happiness, but she wasn’t smiling. Her eyes were shining, her lips parted. She looked, Renee realized, relieved.
“Incredible. Terrified. I waited too long to do that.”
“You didn’t have to do this for me—” Renee moved to step back but Lola clung to her apron.
“I didn’t do it for you! I did it because this is what I want .
I’ve spent years trying to find the right time and what I want has only ever been an afterthought.
It’s not only Gloriana, or my career. I let that happen.
I’m not doing it anymore. This is the right time for me, Renee, because I want to walk out of here holding your hand. I want that.”
“Lo, I don’t know what to say,” Renee said softly.
Lola released Renee, straightened her parka, and adopted a serious expression.
“I love you, Renee. You saw something in me that I had stopped seeing in myself. Before this summer, it was like I’d forgotten who I was.
You helped me remember. I know I’ll have to work to be the best partner for you.
I wish I could say I have it all figured out, but I don’t.
But I promise to be honest, even when it’s hard, and that I’ll put us first, if you give me a chance. ”
Renee looked down at Lola, her warm, hopeful eyes and the smile playing on those Cupid’s bow lips. She had known that face her whole life, and yet never wanted to stop rediscovering Lola. No matter how long they were together, she knew she never would.
“Do you remember when I told you I loved you, I said I’d never expected to say that to anyone?
” Renee said, her voice thick. “At the time, I didn’t realize why.
I couldn’t see how scared I was. I was try ing so hard to avoid being hurt that I closed myself off from a lot of things.
But I was hurting the people I cared about.
I hurt you. You made me realize that risking my heart is worth it.
As hard as the last few months have been, as scary as it was to let you in, I would do all of it again for the chance to love you. ”
Tears were shining in Lola’s eyes. “If you don’t take me back now, I’m going to be really disappointed.”
Renee grabbed for her, pulling Lola in so close their foreheads rested together. “Of course I do. I love you, Lo. And I’m so fucking proud of you.”
Lola kissed her. Renee’s eyes closed as she slipped into the softness of Lola’s lips, the easy opening of her mouth, the warm press of her cheek. It felt like coming home, like forever, like the fluttering in her chest when Lola sang to her.
Still, after a moment, Renee broke the kiss. “We’re right in front of the window.”
“It doesn’t matter now.” She could feel Lola smiling against her lips.
“Well, you just posted your location to the entire world, so maybe we could go somewhere private.”
Renee kept her arms around Lola as they waited for her driver, alarmed that Lo-Lites would swarm Prince’s. They’d probably be packed for months with Lo-Lites on pilgrimage.
Henry greeted Renee with a warm smile as they hopped into the car.
As they pulled away, Lola asked abruptly, “Wait, did you say you quit your MFA?”
“I did. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner that it was killing my love for film. But I’m going to get it back. It’s not something I can just stop doing, like you said. I’m planning to move to L.A. and look for gigs once I save up some money.”
Lola’s face fell. “Does that mean you’re not directing anymore? Because I’m looking for someone to finish my documentary.”
Renee gaped at her. “I heard it was canceled. The Streamy deadline is in three weeks.”
“Gloriana acted like Streamy was going to bankrupt me if we missed the March deadline, but they gave me an extension as soon as I asked. Although it helped that I promised the film would tie in to a major announcement.”
“Which you just made,” Renee said.
“Actually no.” Lola’s eyes were sparkling. “There’s something else. I’m starting a foundation to support LGBTQ+ people and fight for our rights.”
“You are?”
“I figured, I have the money, and I have the star power. I could really make a difference. I’m going to launch all three at once—the foundation, the album, the film. A story with a purpose. What do you think?”
It was like everything had fallen into place. Somehow the universe had set up all the dominos when Renee wasn’t looking. The girl she loved, the film she wanted to make, and even more. Renee would have found her way alone. She knew that. But it was so much better to have Lola with her.
She grabbed Lola’s hand and planted a soft kiss on her knuckles.
“I think it’s perfect.”