Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Asher
“ W affles really are the superior breakfast food, especially when you eat them for dinner.”
Julie swirls her finger through the pile of whipped cream on top of her waffle and sucks her finger into her mouth, licking the whipped cream off.
I close my eyes for a hot second to collect myself.
Keep your shit together, Asher. Get your dick under control. There are kids in the room .
When I open them, Julie is smirking at me, like she knows exactly what she was doing.
“You did that on purpose.”
She shrugs. “Could be.”
Definitely did.
I don’t hate it.
We’re at the Goody Goody diner, a St. Louis landmark. I had planned a different kind of dinner, but when she mentioned earlier today that her second favorite kind of food is breakfast, I made an abrupt change of plans. Her face lit up just like it did when we had tacos yesterday, so I knew I was on the right track. I want to do whatever I can to keep the happy on her face. It is now my only mission in life.
It’s less than a five-hour drive from Indianapolis to here, but we had a few stops to make along the way. We went to Terre Haute, Indiana to check out America’s second largest brewery in operation, which was incredibly cool. Then we stopped in Casey, Illinois, which is now my favorite city of all time. The small town is home to lots of big things, including, among others, the world’s largest golf tee and driver, the world’s largest pitchfork, the world’s largest rocking chair, and my personal favorite, the world’s largest barbershop pole. At first the small town caught my eye because oversize things are funny, but when I realized there was a sixteen-foot taco, I was sold.
We spent hours in the town, making our way from big thing to big thing, and with each stop, I swear I could see a little more of Julie’s anxiety and icy exterior melt away. Because honestly, who could be anxious when you’re standing in front of a thirty-two-foot pencil? And when we got to the taco, she burst out laughing, and laughed so hard tears streamed down her face. Then she grabbed my face in both of her hands and kissed me hard, taking me completely by surprise and, well, anything that makes Julie do that is my new favorite thing.
“Asher?”
“What?” My head snaps up, and I realize I’ve been zoning out for who knows how long.
“Where did you go?”
She smiles as she gives me back my words from last night. She’s been smiling a lot today. Fuck she looks good. When we got to our hotel, she changed into jeans that might as well be painted on and a blue sweater that makes her eyes glow. Her long blonde hair is loose and falls halfway down her back. And her face. God, her face. I could look at it all day .
I think quickly, not wanting to divulge that I was thinking about her. That I’m always thinking about her.
“I was thinking about the…”
“Let me guess. You were thinking about the barbershop pole?”
I point at her. “You bet I was. There’s so much to think about. How was it made? Whose idea was it? Who is the person who woke up one morning and thought, ‘you know what this town needs? A fourteen-foot barbershop pole’ because I would very much like to meet that person and ask him some questions.”
She takes the last bite of her waffle and leans back on her side of the booth. “You know what? I think I would too.”
“Damn straight you would. Everyone would.”
“So now that we’ve eaten breakfast at eight p.m.—inspired choice by the way—what’s next?”
“What makes you think anything is next? Maybe I’m tired.”
“Oh. Yeah, no, I’m sure you’re tired. Same. Long day, right?” Julie’s shoulders fall a little and she seems to shrink into herself as she looks away and starts tapping her fingers on her thigh. I see the same look on her face that I saw when she glanced around the friends and family room a few weeks ago and didn’t see anyone familiar. It’s her anxious and uncertain look. Like she’s waiting to be rejected. Told she’s not good enough to be around. Expecting it, even.
I reach across the table and capture her free hand.
“Juliette, look at me.” It takes her a few seconds, but she raises her eyes to mine.
“I was kidding, sweetheart. Of course we’re doing something next. I want to do all the things with you, all the time. I want to spend every minute of every day of this trip with you, and all the days that come after.”
She takes a deep breath. “Sometimes it feels like people don’t. Like maybe I’m…too much. Or not enough? I’ve never been quite sure which. I think maybe if I let people see the mess I actually am, they won’t want me anymore.”
Her voice goes quiet on that last sentence, and I give her hand a squeeze, wanting more connection. Like yesterday at the restaurant, I understand what it takes for her to give me these pieces of herself. The ones she keeps hidden. I want her to know she can give them all to me. That I’ll hold them gently.
“There’s nothing about you that’s too much, and you are exactly enough. I like every single part of you—the ones you’ve shown me and the ones you haven’t yet that I hope you’ll feel safe enough to share with me one day. You’re safe with me, Juliette.”
She goes quiet then, looking down at our tangled hands and then back up at me, and she seems to be considering her words carefully. Finally, she speaks.
“You make me feel safe enough to share. Safer than I’ve ever felt with anyone else, at least.”
My chest tightens at her admission. This feels monumental. Julie has parts of herself she keeps locked away behind high, impenetrable walls. That she feels safe enough with me to let those walls down, even a little bit, is all I want for her. For us. Julie starts chewing on her lip, and I get the sense that she feels uncomfortable with what she put out there, so I tuck this conversation away like a gift to take out and examine later, and I change the subject.
“So, since we’ve established that all my moments belong to you, I have an idea for what we can do with some of them.”
Like I thought she would, she brightens, relieved to put the heaviness away.
“What do you have in mind, Hot Shot?”
“How do you feel about video games?”
“You have to be kidding me!”
Julie cackles as her ball lands in the one-hundred hole again and tickets come shooting out of her machine. After dinner, we drove to an adult arcade in downtown St. Louis. As soon as we walked in, Julie made a beeline for the skee ball machine in the back and proceeded to kick my ass. Multiple times.
“Face it, Ash. Skee ball is just not your game.”
Her shortening my name for the first time does something to me. More accurately, it does something to my dick which, between the nickname and Julie smoking me at skee-ball six times in a row, is now just permanently hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s sporting an imprint of my jeans zipper by the end of the night.
“I’m a professional athlete, Juliette. Every game is my game.”
She just laughs again. “I could totally tell that by the way you’ve lost every single game we’ve played tonight.”
“Okay, I think we need a drink break.”
Julie slides me a sly grin. “Do we need a drink break, or are you tired of losing?”
“Juliette, if it makes you smile like that, I would be happy never to win another game we play for the rest of our lives.”
“The rest of our lives, huh?”
“I’m manifesting, baby.”
“Are you ever not cheerful? You’re like a fucking ray of sunshine.”
Unconsciously I roll my shoulder, feeling the familiar dull ache. She’s right that I’m a happy guy, until I feel that ache and think about what it means for my football career. I shove that thought right out of my head because tonight isn’t about that. Julie’s looking at me in a way that makes me certain she didn’t miss my shoulder roll. Hasn’t missed any of them in the last two days, but she hasn’t said anything. I’m grateful for that. I don’t want to lie to her. I won’t lie to her. But I don’t know how I would tell her the truth either.
“What’s not to be happy about? We’re here together, we’re having fun, there are about to be drinks. It’s a good night.”
She stares at me, as if she’s trying to figure me out. “It’s really that simple for you?”
My stomach sinks a little because no, it’s really not that simple, but I tell her the truest thing I can.
“I hope it can be.”
Then I grab her hand and pull her towards the bar. “Come on Juliette—there are boozy milkshakes and a round of air hockey calling our name.”
“You know I’ll beat you at that too, right?”
“I’m counting on it. You’re radiant when you’re kicking my ass at arcade games.”
“Well then, Hot Shot, lead the way.”