Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
FREYA
LUCI
You know what I’m gonna tell you
FREYA
Maybe.
Or you could just not say it.
You’re supposed to be on my side.
Iwait for Luci’s reply as I listen to the milk steamer and the soft sounds of the early diner crowd. I texted her this morning to tell her about what Oscar asked me, and she’s been trying to convince me to go for it ever since.
LUCI
Darling, I am on your side
You’re the one self-sabotaging
I huff. She takes one psychology class in college and now she thinks she can look into the inner workings of my mind. When Becca slides a hot chocolate across the counter it feels like there’s a stone lodged in my throat. My mind flashes back to every perfect hot chocolate that Oscar’s brought me.
Oscar.
I know I made the right choice saying no, but if that’s the case, then why am I so fucking sad? I can’t stop picturing his face. I was expecting him to be mad, but he didn’t even seem upset. He looked disappointed, sure, but he never stopped being nice to me.
When Aaron first asked me out, it was so different.
We’d met a few times around town, and he used to come by the gift shop I worked at.
He was so certain that I sort of got swept along with it.
I didn’t have space to decide if I actually wanted to.
It had seemed so charming at the time, but maybe I’d just been dumfounded at the idea that someone actually, finally, seemed to want me.
When Oscar asked, it seemed like the question took him by surprise as much as it had me. I drop my change in the tip jar and Becca gives me a grateful smile and a wink before turning to serve the next customer. I type out my reply as I cross the street, ready to open up the store.
FREYA
I’m not.
I’m just not ready to date.
LUCI
It’s been a year…
FREYA
So?
Besides, it’s too late now. I already said no.
I need to keep telling myself that it was the right decision until this stomachache goes away. I unlock the front and head in, dropping my purse in its usual spot before wandering around, flicking lights on and opening the shutters.
LUCI
For the record, I’m super proud of you for that
Even if I disagree
It’s character development
FREYA
He seemed so disappointed. I feel bad.
LUCI
But you still felt able to say no?
FREYA
Yeah?
I didn’t like saying it, but I wasn’t scared to.
In all of our interactions, even if I’ve been an anxious mess, I’ve never once been fearful around him. There’s something steady there, something that makes my brain settle. I take a seat at the counter and start to power up the computer.
LUCI
Babe, I think that’s a really good sign
FREYA
So you think I should have said yes?
LUCI
It’s not like you’re agreeing to marry him
Besides, didn’t he beat up that kid for you?
I roll my eyes. I never should have told her about that.
FREYA
Yeah, but that was years ago.
LUCI
But it shows what kind of person he is
He fought your bullies!
That’s sexy
I drop my head to the desk, letting out a groan. Have I totally messed this up? That lonely feeling that never goes away starts spreading until I can feel it like frostbite in my fingers.
FREYA
Well, I’ve missed my chance anyway.
LUCI
You could always ask him out?
FREYA
I absolutely could not.
LUCI
What’s the worst that could happen?
FREYA
He could laugh in my face.
LUCI
Does that actually seem likely?
No, not really. I roll my eyes. Why does she always have to make a good point? I wish she would just blindly agree with all my nonsense. Like real friends do.
FREYA
I guess not.
LUCI
Then why not go for it?
FREYA
Because…
Because what if he says yes?
On Monday morning I’m turning to load the last bag of groceries into the trunk of my car when I jump, seeing it already in the air, a large hand lifting it out of the cart.
“Holy shit!” I gasp, stumbling back and knocking my head hard against the open top. “Ow! Fuck!”
“Jesus, Freya!” Oscar steps forward, dropping the bag into the trunk. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I wince, probing the back of my head with my fingers.
“Here, let me look at it.” He steps forward, placing his hands on my waist and turning me until my shoulder is pressed against his chest. My heartbeat picks up and he keeps one arm around me as the other moves my hair aside.
The brush of his fingertips against my skin sends sparks skittering across my whole body and I have to fight not to sink into the contact. It’s as if my nervous system is winding down, like it knows it’s safe to.
“Where did you hit?” I can feel the words against my ear.
I point out the spot, unable to speak, and he starts prodding it, pressing around the area with a confident touch.
“What are you doing here?” I feel a little dizzy, and not from hitting my head. Oscar’s close, so close I could tip my head forward and rest my nose against his neck if I wanted to, and the scent of his skin and soap has a warmth curling in my insides that I don’t know what to do with.
“Saw your car,” he says distractedly as his fingers gently press against my scalp. “Does that hurt?” I shake my head. “How about that?”
“I’m fine,” I whisper.
I should step away, put some space between us. I have no idea what’s happening here and my heart is beating so hard I might crack a rib, but I can’t bring myself to move.
I finally pull myself together enough to step out of his hold. Oscar steps back, huffing out a breath and shoving his hands into the pocket of his denim jacket.
“Good.” He nods to himself. “That’s good.”
I don’t know what to say to him. I’m aware of heat rising to my cheeks as I take him in.
He’s out of uniform, in a green flannel tucked into dark wash jeans, and a heavy canvas jacket.
His hair’s pushed back, but there’s one errant strand that falls across his forehead.
I find myself wanting to close the distance and tuck it away for him.
He’s giving me one of his soft smiles that makes me go warm inside. I thought he’d be sulking, but there’s none of that there. He just looks happy to see me and it makes my heart flutter.
“I, um… I was actually looking for you.” He scratches at the back of his neck, shifting from foot to foot.
“You were?
“I wanted to apologize. In case I made you uncomfortable the other day.”
He’s apologizing? What could he have to feel bad about?
“You don’t need to do that. It should be me.”
“Why?” He peers at me. “For saying no?” I give him a small nod and he frowns down at the ground, grumbling something I can’t hear. When he meets my eyes again, there’s an intensity that almost makes me gasp. “Freya, listen to me. Don’t ever apologize to me for saying what you want.”
He really means it, doesn’t he?
“I wasn’t uncomfortable,” I tell him. Not because of him anyway.
I take a deep breath, remembering everything Luci said to me. It would just be one date. I wouldn’t have to do anything else, wouldn’t be committing to anything more. And he seems like he would be alright taking things slow?
“That’s good.” His smile turns into a lazy sort of smirk. “Well, if you ever change your mind, you just let me know, okay?”
He turns to go and without any thought, my hand shoots out, catching hold of his sleeve.
My stomach churns so hard I think I might be sick, but I want this. I want to try.
“What if…” My mouth goes dry and it’s hard to get the words out. “What if I had changed my mind?”
His face splits into a surprised smile. “Yeah?”
“What would happen?”
“Well.” He moves a fraction closer and picks up one of my hands. His fingers are warm, and even though I can make out the callouses he’s gathered, it’s still soft. “I would ask if you wanted to get lunch tomorrow?”
Lunch. I can do lunch.
“Just that?”
“Just lunch, nothing to stress about.”
“I think you’re underestimating my ability to stress about things.”
“I’m starting to get an idea.” He gives me a wry smile. “We could go to Becca’s? It’ll be like when we last had lunch, just forty feet to the left.”
“I do like her paninis.” I look down at where he’s still holding my hand. He notices at the same time as me and I could almost cry when he lets it go.
“You can have anything you want.”