19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Sharon
I stare at the food on the table and replay Jon's account of what happened the day Jimmy died until my head is splitting and my heart is aching.
After licking my wounds, I call Betty to check up on her.
"Hi, Betty. How are you feeling?"
"Sharon, I'm due in six weeks. You better be here for the birth of your first godchild."
"I'll be there," I assure her. Then, I read her Loren's letter. "Betty, her will never said anything about me having to stay here for two years. Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah, it means you can come home."
"Not so fast," I say. "Loren made me return to Garrison for Jon. I'm not leaving without making things right with him."
"He was never honest with you."
"He tried multiple times. Look, we've been over this. You're my best friend, so of course you're going to side with me no matter what."
"Not if I thought you were wrong."
"Anthony has never met Jon, but he has always sided with him because he can be objective."
"I love my husband, but he's clueless. He's wrong."
"I think we're wrong."
"That's only because you have the hots for Jon. You can't look past your attraction to him."
"Betty!"
"Look, you and I have never agreed on the topic of sex, intercourse, hanky-panky, doing the deed before marriage."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You made Jimmy wait, and look what happened."
"I didn't force him into anything. I refused to repeat my mother's mistakes—she blamed me for ruining her life. Jimmy understood and supported my decision to wait. I wasn't willing to risk getting pregnant so young; abstinence was the only way to be sure. I never wanted to resent my own child because of a moment's lapse in judgment."
"Anthony and I never got pregnant."
"The baby you've been carrying for eight months was an accident."
"Hey, watch it!" she laughs.
"Your words, not mine," I remind her.
"Aaanyway," she continues, "maybe you should seduce him. You'd have him wrapped around your little finger."
"Why do I even talk to you about this?"
"Because you know I love you and would never steer you wrong."
"Oh, really? Never?"
"Sleep with him. Get it out of your system, and then you can decide if he's worth all this trouble."
"You give horrible advice. Thank God, I never listen to you."
"That hurts my feelings."
"I'm sorry."
"Just kidding! But really, don't be such a prude."
"I'm not a prude! What I am is prudent."
"Look, slap that on the front of a T-shirt and wear it, but don't let one more single day go by without s-e-x."
"I'm hanging up now."
"No, please don't hang up. I'm just kidding."
"Okay, but don't push your luck."
"So if sex is not in your plans, what is your plan?"
"I don't know," I say honestly. "I don't even know if he'll talk to me."
"I bet if you went into his bedroom in the middle of the night and slipped under the covers with him, all would be forgiven by morning."
"I'm going to ignore you now."
"Okay, okay. With all joking aside, what about Jimmy? Can you move on from him?"
"If Jimmy were here, we'd be together like you and Anthony. My life would be entirely different. But Jimmy is gone, and the only thing I've had for the past five years is his memory. I lost the only love I ever knew. I never expected to find it again, but I did. I'm in love with Jon. When I picture the future, I picture it with him. I just hope it's not too late."
***
I’m surprised to see so many kids when I show up Wednesday night. My team has two girls and two boys, all thirteen years old. We're taking turns shooting free throws while we wait for Jon and several other kids to show up.
"Our car is in the shop," Patrick says, "so Jon is picking up the rest of the kids. He should be here soon."
When he shows up, he and a couple of the boys are carrying two ice chests full of sodas and bottled water, and a girl is carrying a tote filled with hand towels.
As soon as the kids see Jon, they surround him, giving him high fives and fist bumps. "Hi, Mr. Linder! Hey, Mr. Linder! Coach Linder!"
"Hi, kids!" exclaims Jon, "I bet you thought you were going to spend all summer without seeing me."
I'm surprised when he glances at me and says hello.
"Hi," I say, giving him half a smile.
"Okay, people," Patrick's voice slices through the tension. "Let's go over some ground rules."
An hour and a half later, I'm sweaty and tired, realizing I bit off more than I could chew.
"I'm going to be sore in the morning," I say to no one in particular. "I thought I was going to be coaching, not playing."
"It's much more fun for everyone when we all participate," Patrick says, throwing me the ball.
"Cara," I laugh, walking over to her and the baby. "Your husband got me here under false pretenses. How about you convince him to take it easy on me."
"Take a break," she says. "Sit with me for a bit."
"How did you and Patrick meet?" I ask, reaching into the tote for a towel.
"I'm the human resources manager at the bank. I thought he was cute for the longest time but didn't think I was his type."
"Why?" I ask. "You're beautiful."
"I thought his type was tall and brunette," she says. "We were good friends, but he never expressed any interest in me."
"So, how did you end up together?"
"He told me he had met a pretty girl with big green eyes, but she had canceled their date. I offered to take your place and go with him to the farmers’ market. That's where I told him how I felt. He had no idea, but he felt the same way. We've been together ever since."
"You're kidding!"
"No," she says. "Thank you for canceling your date."
"You're welcome," I laugh and instinctively glance toward Jon. He's showing a boy how to shoot a layup.
"Susan and I became good friends," Cara says, following my gaze. "I know about you and Jon."
I look at her, wondering what she knows exactly.
"He loves you," she says. "Susan chose to step aside gracefully."
"He's not even speaking to me."
"Give him some time, but don't give up."
I glance at Jon again, and this time, I catch him looking back at me.
"He watched you the entire time you played with the kids."
"Is the baby's nursery ready?" I ask, wanting to change the subject.
"Our house has only two bedrooms. I don't know where we're going to fit another kid. They'll be able to share a room for a while, but after a certain age, they'll want their own rooms. We were able to fit a crib in there, but that's about it."
"It'll all work out," I smile. "God always provides, and He's never late."
"From your lips to God's ears," Cara laughs.
***
Back at Loren's, I shower and towel-dry my hair before changing into sweats and a T-shirt. When I sit on the couch, I start flipping through the pages of a magazine, trying my best to unwind. I notice soreness setting in on my shoulders, arms, and legs. Then my stomach starts protesting that I haven't eaten anything since this morning, but I'm too tired to move.
It doesn't take long before my mind circles back to Jon. His cold hello tonight let me know exactly where he stands. I'm so frustrated I could cry. How am I going to fix this? I wish I could talk to Loren one more time. She was my sounding board whenever I needed to talk, especially about Jon.
The light knock on the door makes my pulse quicken because I know it's him.
"Hi," I say, pushing the screen door open.
"Hi. Can I come in?"
"Yes, of course." I turn, and he follows me into the den, where I offer him a seat.
My heart is beating so hard that I feel it might explode.
He sits on the edge of the recliner and glances at me. I sit on the couch across from him, and when our eyes meet, I swallow the lump in my throat that's threatening to escape in a torrent of tears.
"I read Loren's letter," he says.
I nod, hoping he'll tell me what it says, and before I can ask, he pulls it out of his back pocket and hands it to me.
"Are you sure?" I ask, taking the piece of paper from him. My hands shake as I unfold it.
Dear Jon,
She was only eighteen. Too young to handle all the tragedy that befell her.
She lost her high school sweetheart.
Her mother died. She found out her dad was not her real father.
She was trying to protect her heart, and she made a mistake.
It's time to forgive yourself for Jimmy and forgive her for breaking your heart.
If you're willing to let go and let God heal you both, He will give you the future you deserve and the happily ever after most people only dream of.
You have enriched my life in so many ways. God sent you to me when I needed an angel. Thank you for always being there for me.
I love you, Son.
Your friend,
Loren
I can't hold back my tears as I read the letter several times before handing it back to him.
"Everything in this letter is true," I say, "but it's not an excuse. Can you forgive me?"
His eyes are unreadable.
"I forgave you a long time ago."
"Then why are you being so cold with me?"
"I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to act. It was much easier when you were three thousand miles away."
"But I'm here now, and I don't want to leave."
"That's why I'm here."
For a split second, I think he's going to tell me we're okay, but when he doesn't look at me, I realize things are far from okay between us.
"What do you mean?" I ask, fearing his answer.
"I've decided to join my parents in Japan."
"You're leaving because of me?" My voice is shaking with disbelief. Tears threaten to spill out again, but I refuse to cry.
"It would be best for both of us if I weren't here while you work out the house situation."
"Okay," I nod, feeling my defenses rise like steel walls around my heart. "But before you go, I want to apologize for how things ended between us. I'm sorry for never giving you the chance to tell me what happened with Jimmy. I was so focused on myself that I couldn't get past my own pain. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I'm sorry, too," he says. "Like you said, I should've tried harder."
A few seconds later, we both realize there's nothing more to say, so I get up and thank him for stopping by.
"You're welcome," he says. "Have a good night."
"You too."
***
After I finish packing my suitcase, I call Jon to let him know he doesn't have to leave the country on my account, but he's not home.
I write him a note and head to the house to tape it to the back door. Walking through the garden brings back memories of those early mornings when Jon would join me, strolling together as I picked flowers for the dining room table. We’d sit on a bench, lost in conversation, or he’d find me with dirt up to my elbows, planting something new. We were falling in love without even realizing it.
"Well, hello!" Robert's cheerful greeting makes me smile despite my sadness.
"Hi, how are you?" I ask.
"I'm good," he says. "Olivia mentioned you were in town."
"Yeah, but I'm actually getting ready to leave."
"So soon?"
"Yeah," I smile. We spend the next ten minutes catching up before I say, "I called Jon this morning, but there was no answer."
"He's renting out his house in Cold Spring while he stays here," he says. "I think he said he was replacing the carpet today."
"Oh, okay. Is Olivia here?"
"No, not here today. Is there something I can do?"
"Can you make sure Jon gets this?" I ask, handing him the note.
"Of course."
"Thank you," I say. "I have to go, but it was good seeing you."
"Yeah, you too," he says, "have a good trip."
"Thank you. Would it be okay if I sat out here for a little while before I go?
"Of course," he says, his eyes filled with sympathy. "Stay as long as you need."
I find our bench and sit, closing my eyes to summon all the good memories of this house, this garden, this family. Yet, the crushing regret consumes me. In the back of my mind, I always believed Jon and I would meet again, that we'd have our second chance. I was wrong.