Chapter 19 #2
“Well, I knew you were protected,” he said, and crossed to the settee where she and Vaughn had just tangled together. He fluffed up a pillow they’d crushed in their ardor and threw himself down without waiting for her to take her own seat.
She refused to respond to his statement about protection. Refused to argue with him that that was the duty he had so fully shirked. It didn’t matter anymore because he didn’t matter anymore.
“What do you want, Southwater?” she asked.
“Whisky,” he said with a smile.
She shook her head. “That isn’t what I mean.”
He wrinkled his brow, seeming surprised that she wasn’t warming to him.
How had she ever? Now when she looked at him all she saw were his sharp edges, his selfishness, his lack of care for anyone but himself.
It had always been there, hadn’t it? She could see it now when she wasn’t blinded by a desire for safety and calm.
“I have been thinking a great deal about you in the last few weeks,” he said. “You can be proud that your behavior had the desired effect.”
“My behavior?” she repeated. “What do you mean?”
He didn’t remove his even stare from her face. “Come now, Evelina. You think I don’t know that you turned to Blackburn as a way for you two to exact some kind of petty revenge? What other reason could you have for matching with him?”
She frowned. “His decency? His kindness? His intelligence? His attentiveness to my every need?”
His cheek twitched. “I miss you.”
Those three words hit her like a punch and she staggered back. What the hell was going on? Just a few weeks before this man had stood in this very parlor after she’d asked for him to come, and told her she was unworthy of his affection. And now he wanted her?
“Why?” she asked. “You made your choice, you created a life-altering scandal not only for yourself and Lady Blackburn, but for Vaughn. And now you say you miss what you threw away?”
“I was caught up in something,” he said. “But the cost is becoming too high, Evelina. I’ll need to walk away, I think. And there’s no place I’d rather be than back with you. You must want that, too. And when I do, it will mitigate the scandal.”
“How?” she burst out. “How could you ever mitigate the damage you and the countess did?”
“Well, she’d go back to Blackburn, wouldn’t she? The divorce isn’t complete, it could be halted. They could play at falling back in love, Society would drool over that. And you and I could be free of this little problem in our story.”
She found herself battling for breath at the utter arrogance of that statement, which dismissed every heartache, every betrayal, every cruelty that this man had performed not only in the last six weeks, but in the last year.
She would have dressed him down, would have kicked him from her home and told him never to return except for one thing: his statement about Vaughn.
The fact was that he wasn’t entirely wrong.
If Vaughn and Lady Blackburn were to reunite, that might reduce the damage.
Vaughn would be seen as what he was: a good and decent man who had been willing to forgive.
Her stomach turned at the idea that he would walk back into the arms of someone who didn’t cherish him, but what if that was what he wanted? What if, in his heart, he did still want the future he’d had torn from him? Hadn’t he mentioned his pain at its loss more than once?
“You couldn’t be serious,” she whispered.
He stood and stepped toward her. It took everything in her not to take an equal step back. “I am.”
He moved to touch her face, and now she did step back.
He frowned, the flash of annoyance in his eyes one she recognized.
How many times had he looked at her like that over the years when she laughed too loudly or teased too lightly or told him she didn’t feel like going to his bed because she had a headache?
Had Vaughn ever looked at her like that? Like she was a bother?
No. Never. Not once.
“I understand the game,” Southwater said.
“That you must enact some petty punishments for what you see as a betrayal. That’s fine.
You take your time, think about it. I could call again tomorrow and we could discuss it further, along with my generous terms for your coming back and starting over.
” He caught her hand and didn’t release it even when she tugged.
He lifted it to his lips and pressed them to her knuckles before he backed away.
“Think on it. You’d be a fool to give up a duke worth five times what an earl was worth. Good day.”
He left her and she covered her face with her shaking hands. Between it all, she felt like the world was spinning and she had no idea what to think or do. And when she had those kinds of emotions there was only one place to go.
So she called for her carriage to go there.
* * *
Barnaby had served Arabella, and in turn Evelina and Julia, too long to find it odd when Evelina burst into the house and demanded she see Arabella without being announced. He’d simply told her which parlor and sent her on her way.
When she opened the door, Arabella was seated on the settee, a book in hand. Silas sat at the escritoire in the corner of the room, writing a letter. They both looked up as she entered.
“Evelina?” Arabella said, but didn’t have the chance to rise from her seat. Evelina crossed to her, sank down on the settee next to her and settled her head into Arabella’s lap. Her sister looked at Silas with concern but then rested a hand in Evelina’s hair and stroked it gently.
“What is it, love?” she asked softly.
Silas got up and moved to the chair across from the settee. “Are you well, Evie?”
“No, not well at all,” she whispered, and hated that tears began to sting her eyes, then slid down her cheeks. “I’m such a fool, Arabella.”
“You couldn’t be, you are the wisest person I know.” Her sister continued to stroke her hair. “Why would you think otherwise?”
She turned her face into Arabella’s knee and her voice was muffled as she said, “I love him.”
She waited for the concern and the censure and the rest, but Arabella just sighed. “Oh, dearest, we established that some time ago. It’s plain as the nose on your pretty face, especially when you two are in a room together.”
“He cares for you, as well,” Silas said.
At that, Evelina sat up and wiped her face. “Yes, he might. Sometimes he looks at me and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt from any man before. But…but I ruined everything, I think. I kept something from him, I wanted to protect him, but he found out about it. He feels betrayed.”
Silas leaned closer, draping his elbows over his knees. “Evie, that only proves to me that he cares. If he didn’t, why would he be bothered if you lied?”
She shook her head. “Because the lie was about-about her. About his wife. I kept something from him about her. He walked away afterward and he claimed he just needed space to think about it, but now I wonder—I wonder if it’s more than that.
And if he were offered the chance to repair what they once shared… would it be better for him?”
“That is nonsense!” Arabella barked out. “Evie, that woman is a nightmare.”
“I agree. But he felt so strongly about getting back at her. Pretended to hate her. But hate can be so close to love, can’t it?”
“Or it can just be a justifiable response to someone breaking every rule,” Silas said.
“You like breaking rules,” Evelina whispered.
He shook his head and there was no teasing to his stare. “Not those. Not ever.”
Arabella reached across the expanse and briefly squeezed his hand. Then she released him and put all her attention back on Evelina. “What happened next? You are keeping something from us. Tell me now.”
There was no denying her when she took that tone and in truth, Evelina didn’t want to. She needed help and counsel. “Harry showed up at your old house after Vaughn left me. And he…he wants me back. He wants to reset things and start over.”
Arabella huffed out a breath and got up, storming across the room where she put her hands on her hips and burst out, “Please tell me you told that tosser to get bloody fucked.”
“Arabella,” Silas said, softly but firmly.
He held Evelina’s gaze. “You know this isn’t real, Evie.
Of course he wants to reset things. He’s losing everything since he came out as Lady Blackburn’s lover.
His friends have turned on him, he’s beginning to get bounced out of clubs and gatherings.
It will take years for him to rebuild if he stays this course.
But if he backs out, perhaps even finds some way to put the blame entirely on her…
a man like that would always try to find an out. ”
Arabella nodded like her head was on a spring. “Not to mention I would wager seeing you with Blackburn, seeing you light up in a way you never did with him, must make him jealous. Not because he cared. But because he doesn’t like to lose.”
Evelina shivered as all those reasonable arguments sunk in. “But wouldn’t I be cruel to deny Vaughn his choice? If Harry was removed from the equation, he could decide this future without the duke’s interference.”
Arabella’s face crumpled and she looked like she was going to cry. It was shocking, for her strong sister rarely showed such emotions. She returned to Evelina and sat down, taking both her hands. “My God, you would sacrifice yourself for Blackburn?”
“Not…not forever. I don’t want Harry. He took my hand and wouldn’t let go and I felt like it was spiders crawling up my skin. But for Vaughn I could bear it a little while.”
“You aren’t being rational,” Silas said.
She dropped her head. “I know. I know. But I…I love him enough to try to save him.”
“I’m going to talk to him,” Silas said, starting to stand.
Evelina lunged for him and caught his hand. “Oh no, Silas, don’t. Please, I adore you for wanting to help, but Vaughn is the furthest thing from the villain here and he’s been through so much these last few days. Just leave it be. Don’t pull him into yet another drama.”
Silas drew in a long breath. “Fine. If you don’t wish me to interfere, I won’t. But I think you’re making a mistake even considering this.”
She scrubbed a hand over her face. “Southwater is coming back to the house tomorrow and I suppose he’ll demand an answer then. I know you’re both right that in my haste to protect Vaughn, I might be considering wild and ridiculous notions.”
Arabella tugged her in and hugged her. “Yes. Please don’t do that. Don’t sacrifice yourself, not even for this man. If he’s worth the love you declare for him, he wouldn’t want it.”
“I must think. I just have to think,” Evie whispered.
“Then do so here,” Silas suggested. “Stay with us, have supper. We can talk further about this or we can talk about anything and everything else to soothe you. Please. Stay.”
Evelina stared at his man who had made her sister the center of his world and a swell of adoration for him rose. “I will, thank you. And thank you for turning even a tiny portion of the love and protection you give my sister onto me.”
“She will always have my heart,” Silas declared with a quick, powerfully loving glance for Arabella. “And so you will always have my sword, if you need it.”
“Come,” Arabella said as she moved to the sideboard. “Let me get you a drink.”
Evelina nodded and sat back down on the settee. She let them fuss over her and take care of her, but even a night in their fine company didn’t ease her spinning mind, the one that at that moment was willing to do anything if she could ease Vaughn’s pain even a fraction.
Even if that meant multiplying her own.