14 | limbo
I was in a pensive mood all of Friday. William had been active on Instagram several times without responding to my message, but what was there to say? That I was forgiven? That would require something to forgive, but I had done nothing wrong, and he knew that as well as I did.
Since I didn’t want to be a nuisance, I hadn’t sent him anything else. Nevertheless, remaining focused on my exams was nearly impossible. While I no longer expected to hear from him and was finally free of that anxiety, it hadn’t been half as satisfying as I had hoped, because I was left with the feeling that he was keeping his distance for the wrong reason; he was avoiding me because I had hurt him, not because he wanted to let me focus on my exams. In fact, it wasn’t impossible that he was staying silent to punish me for the pain I had caused him. I understood his need for space, but what I didn’t understand was his total lack of a reply. A simple thumbs-up would have sufficed.
I had no idea what was currently running through his mind, but thinking about it got me no further. I sat on all the questions while he sat on all the answers, and since we weren’t speaking, I doubted I would ever know them.
Ultimately, I was unable to appreciate the revelation that he hadn’t been able to friend-zone me either; it was no victory in the grand scheme of things. I had hurt a person I had started to care for, and that was nothing to celebrate. I worried he would only despise me from now on.
By Saturday, I had been able to work through some of my feelings, which had enabled me to revise for most of the day. Still, he disturbed my thoughts more than I appreciated, but at least I was able to be somewhat productive.
It was nearing six o’clock when I heard Stephen and Jonathan entering through the front door. They had been there when I first met Jason at the pub three years ago, and I had grasped early on that they were a trio that had lasted since childhood. Stephen was the one who had lived here with Jason before I had moved in.
‘At last,’ Jason said. ‘Don’t tell me you forgot the sushi.’
‘I haven’t got a death wish,’ Jon replied. ‘You ready to get robbed tonight?’
I assumed he was referring to the lads’ night they made time for once a month. ‘Poker night’, they always called it. I had been aware of that tradition of theirs for several years, but it wasn’t until this morning that I had registered that William was a regular participant. The same applied to his friend Andy from work, and another man named Alexander. Apparently, William, Andy and Alex were also a trio alongside Jason, Stephen and Jon. The six of them often interacted because of that, although Jason was supposedly an uncounted member of William’s group as well.
Sensing that there was about to be some activity outside, I reached for my noise-cancelling headset. They had been covering my ears for no more than ten minutes when my chair was suddenly pulled back. Next thing I knew, I was dangling from Jon’s shoulder while I rushed to save my headset from falling to the floor.
‘Oh my God!’ I shouted. ‘Put me down! Immediately! I’m revising!’
All three of them guffawed at the frantic motion of my arms, and it increased in volume when I spanked Jon’s arse.
‘Jon! Put me down!’
After three pirouettes, he charged toward my bed and launched us onto it.
Dizzy, I struggled to fix my gaze on anyone at all, but once my vision settled, I stared at Jon’s devilish grin.
‘Hello, pet. Long time no see.’
It was impossible not to laugh. ‘You twat.’
He ruffled my hair, lay down beside me and tucked his hands under his head. ‘We got sushi for you. Dinner’s served.’
‘Oh. That was kind. ’
‘It was my idea,’ Jason said proudly. ‘You’ve hardly eaten the last couple of days. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You barely touched my scrambled eggs this morning, and that’s unusual to say the least.’
If only he had been aware that it was solely because the taste now reminded me of William and the morning in his flat.
‘Everyone needs dinner, Cara,’ Jon said strictly and ran a hand through his short, light-brown hair, trying to tidy it.
‘How’s living with Giselle?’ I asked Stephen.
‘It’s great. I’d forgotten how nice it is to have a female round the place. Everything smells wonderful all the time, even the bathroom after I’ve had a shit.’
‘Same,’ Jason said and patted his shoulder. ‘Moving apart wasn’t all that bad after all. Cara keeps the place constantly clean. There’s hardly a speck of dust anywhere, ever.’
I smiled amusedly. ‘You clean just as much as I do.’
‘Maybe.’
‘That, he does.’ Stephen nodded. ‘But he’s been scared of germs since forever. Occupational hazard, I guess.’ After a visual sweep of my bedroom, he directed his brown eyes to mine. ‘Love what you’ve done with the place. All I had in here was that wardrobe, a desk for gaming and a bed. I barely recognise it.’
‘Agreed. It’s strangely homey, but fashionably at that,’ Jon said and reached for one of my beige decorative pillows to tuck it under his head.
‘The rug is a nice touch.’ Stephen stepped forward and rubbed his foot against the white fabric. ‘Very soft.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Anyway, let’s eat,’ Jason said. ‘I’m famished.’
§ § §
Poker night was being held at Alexander’s place in Kensington, so the lads left around half six to be there by seven. Their friendly presence had helped me forget about William for a couple of hours, so the silence that ensued after their departure came as a bit of a shock. Suddenly it was just me and my thoughts again, and for once, it wasn’t something I enjoyed. In an attempt to drown them out, I played music so loud that I couldn’t process a single word on the page as I tried to revise. Finally, I abandoned revising altogether and allowed the music to consume me instead.
In the darkness of my bedroom, I listened until my ears ached. Only then did I turn it off and decide it was time for bed. It was nearly midnight when I did, but I didn’t expect Jason home anytime soon, so sleep was my best option in the search for a distraction. As I closed my eyes, I hoped he would find his way into my bed instead of his own.
Though scarcely, I had managed to catch some sleep when I suddenly woke to the sound of the front door being slammed shut. Harsh whispers followed, but I couldn’t distinguish the words.
Jason, I presumed, but he was evidently not alone. My pulse spiked when my thoughts settled on William. I hoped desperately that it was him because, if it was, I could force him to talk to me. Then again, I hardly dared to hope for it since I considered it highly unlikely that he would risk encountering me so soon after what had happened.
Pushing my duvet aside, I decided to find out. While I put on my nightdress, I heard the subtle sounds of retching. Jason must have had too much to drink.
I opened my bedroom door as quietly as I could and saw light streaming out of the bathroom. The door was open, and once the sounds of vomiting settled somewhat, Jason moaned, ‘Shit, the world’s spinning so fast. I think I should go home.’
‘Shush, be quiet. You’ll wake Cara.’
My heart jolted at the sound of William’s authoritative voice. My prayers had been heard.
‘Cara’s not here. She’s at home.’
‘You are home, you fucking knobhead,’ William said, his voice low. Under any other circumstances, that would have made me laugh, but William’s presence had made me apprehensive, so not a sound made its way out of my mouth.
‘Really?’ Jason asked, sounding surprised. ‘Ah, yes. This my beloved toilet, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘God, I’m so drunk.’
‘You really are.’
‘How come you never get plastered, Will?’ Jason asked, slurring his words.
‘I don’t enjoy being helpless.’
‘Really? I find it fun sometimes.’
‘That’s ’cause you’re fucking stupid.’
‘Cunt.’
‘Come on, wash your mouth.’
Jason released a surge of loud laughter then .
‘Why the hell are you laughing? Turn it down,’ William said aggressively, though he kept his voice down.
‘You’re telling me to wash my mouth ’cause I called you a cunt?’ Jason replied.
‘No, I’m telling you to wash your mouth since you’ve just vomited every meal you’ve had today.’
‘Oh.’
‘Fucking hell.’
I took a deep breath for courage and approached the bathroom. The instant I entered the doorway, William looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror. As soon as he registered my presence, his eyes frosted as though he had just come upon an internal ice age. His forgiveness seemed far from my reach.
‘Is he all right?’ I asked him, but he was spared from having to answer when Jason noticed my arrival.
‘Cara.’ Jason smiled affectionately. ‘There are two of you now, but I love both of you equally.’ I barely managed to understand him. ‘Double the love.’
‘Christ. Is there anything I can do?’
‘No, go back to bed,’ William said.
‘How come you got this drunk, Jason?’ I asked.
‘I was sabotaged. Stephen and Jon kept pouring and mixing my drink. All of a sudden I was plastered.’
I sighed. ‘I should’ve anticipated this.’
William shoved Jason’s toothbrush into his hand. ‘When are you going to learn that you shouldn’t let them mix your drinks for you? This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’m sick of being your voice of reason and getting completely ignored.’
Jason looked at him, and it was obvious from his expression that he was too intoxicated to comprehend what he was hearing. ‘You’re always so strict.’
‘Only when you’re reckless,’ William said. ‘Cara, go to bed. He needs a shower.’
Disobeying, I waited outside the bathroom till they were finished, and William didn’t bother hiding his annoyance when he discovered me.
‘I told you to go to bed,’ he said, his irritation scorching, but his focus diverged when Jason approached my bedroom. ‘That’s not your bedroom, Jase.’ He grabbed Jason’s shoulder.
‘I know. I want to sleep with Cara. ’
Wide-eyed, my gaze darted to William’s, and the wrath it contained expelled my soul from my body.
‘That’s not happening,’ he said through gritted teeth and tugged Jason harshly in the other direction.
‘What?’ Jason looked at him, nonplussed, and then writhed his arm out of William’s hold. ‘The hell’s your problem, mate?’
‘Will, it’s fine, he does it all the time. It’s only friendly,’ I said, hoping it would reassure him.
‘She’s my friend. Not yours,’ Jason said, sounding like a brat.
William’s chest expanded with his deep inhalation, but it seemed to have no appeasing effect, because antagonism continued to swell in his eyes.
‘Fine.’
In the dim light, I saw his jaw flex, and it looked like he had stopped breathing.
Jason gave him a snort and zig-zagged toward my room, where he went straight to bed. As I went to close the door after him, William charged toward the hall, but I stopped him before he could pass me. I had just managed to shut the door when I gripped his arm, and I was shocked at the way he jerked away from my touch.
Pure intimidation exploded in my chest when he faced me properly. Stepping forward, he trapped me between his huge body and the door.
He reeked of alcohol. He had clearly seemed soberer than he was.
My heart pounded as I looked into his blistering gaze. His menacing demeanour held me in a tight grip, paralysing me. I couldn’t move a muscle.
‘You are to stay the fuck away from Jason,’ he commanded chillingly. ‘Do you hear me?’
I swallowed, my stomach clenching in a knot. ‘Of course. I haven’t touched him, not like that. I’d never.’
He raised a brow, conveying that he didn’t believe me in the slightest.
‘I swear,’ I said as unbidden tears surfaced in my eyes.
He glared at me for another while, assessing my sincerity. Then, without a word, he turned and approached the door.
‘William, I’m sorry I hurt you,’ I said, and I couldn’t help the quiver in my voice.
He froze, hand lingering on the handle.
Seeing a chance to speak, I continued, ‘Will, I’m not your girlfriend. I’ve got to be allowed to do this sort of thing in my own home, and it’s not as if you haven’t been guilty of the same. ’
He whirled around with a look of scorn. ‘What?’
‘Yes.’ I gestured to him. ‘Francesca, Violet, Kate? How many are there, really?’
I tensed up when he moved toward me again. Halting only a foot away, he glared down at me.
‘For your information,’ he fumed, ‘Kate is my ex, and I haven’t spoken to her in well over a year. As for Violet and Francesca, I haven’t seen them like that for weeks and had actually planned to end it with them because of you .’
My lips parted with shock. That was the last thing I had anticipated, so it took me several seconds to conjure up a reply. ‘I...I’m sorry. I didn’t know.’
He frowned and stared sharply at me. ‘Of course you didn’t. That’s precisely my point. Stop assuming you know anything at all.’
My throat tightened. ‘You’re right, I’m sorry.’
He kept glaring at me, holding me still with his eyes alone, until his shoulders finally sank.
Sensing that he was calming down, I dared to say, ‘I don’t expect you to stop seeing them. I don’t expect anything from you at all.’
His face twisted, his features emanating a vulnerability that made my heart contract. ‘Why are you like this?’
I grimaced. ‘I tried to warn you.’
‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you? With Aaron?’
His question beat the air out of my lungs. ‘What? No!’ Was that really what he inferred from this? ‘I’ve already told you, I—’
He clasped my head between his hands, and before I knew it, his warm mouth had moulded against my own. Instantly, my chest filled with delight and I rejoiced in the taste of him. Again, that uncanny sensation spread through my body, reminding me that this was how a kiss was supposed to feel – entirely right. I softened against him, yielding to the amorous motion of his mouth.
His tongue pushed past my lips for a dance with mine, obliterating what remained of my self-control. Swinging my arms around his neck, I pressed myself against him and returned every ounce of his passion. Groaning, he pinned me forcefully against the door to my bedroom, but I was so engaged in the moment that I gave no attention to the fact that we might wake Jason.
Hungry in their movements, his large hands explored my curves, squeezing and stroking, causing lust of a whole new level to override my reason. As his hand grasped my breast, I groaned into his mouth and shoved it deeper within his grip. His other hand trailed lower, sliding down my waistline until he clasped my nightdress and pushed it upward. He ran his hands across my bared skin, lovingly, then cupped my bum and lifted me. Locked between his body and the door, I wrapped my legs around him.
He thrust his hips forward then, making me gasp. His erection pressed against my bare entrance, evoking delicious memories of our night together. I desperately wanted to feel him inside me again, but I knew it would only make a bad situation worse.
At that moment, I caught myself wishing he were all I cared about, that nothing else mattered. If only he weren’t going to be my boss. If only he weren’t Jason’s brother. And if only I didn’t care so much about my career.
But I did.
‘Fuck.’ I pulled away from his mouth.
His jaw clenched. ‘As I thought.’ He put me down and retreated a pace.
His words struck me like a knife.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, tears pricking my eyes again.
Contempt poured from his. ‘Spare me,’ he said and went for the door.
‘No, you misunderstand.’ My face contorted. ‘I pulled away because I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘Don’t patronise me,’ he said venomously.
‘Please, listen to me. I can’t give you what you want.’
He paused in front of the door. ‘You can.’ He glanced at me over his shoulder. ‘You just won’t.’
Panicking, I rushed over to stall him. We couldn’t part like this. It was paramount that we settled this once and for all, because it was crucial that we maintained harmony, especially for Jason’s sake.
I stepped in front of the door to prevent him from leaving. ‘Can we talk? Once you’ve sobered up?’
He refused to meet my gaze. ‘Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to feel wounded by something when I have no right to feel that way?’ he asked vehemently. ‘There is no satisfaction, just an everlasting state of limbo.’
I realised he was referring to when he had walked in on Aaron and me, and to know that he felt that made my tears brim over. His misery was palpable, and I hated being the reason behind it. I wished I could make it go away. He didn’t deserve to suffer like this.
‘Perhaps if you allowed me to explain, you won’t feel that way anymore.’
‘Why are you so scared to be loved?’ he asked and finally looked at me.
My breath rasped in my throat, a sharp pain searing into my chest. Was he implying that he was in love with me? No, he couldn’t be.
Could he?
‘I’m not scared to be loved,’ I said, my voice light and shaky. ‘You misunderstand. I’m scared to find my attention divided. I’m scared to love.’ And you most of all.
He shook his head. ‘I’d like to leave now.’
I remained in front of the door. ‘I really think we should talk.’
‘There’s nothing left to say.’
‘Please.’ I grimaced. ‘Are you free tomorrow?’
His jaw flexed as he glared away.
‘William, please.’
‘No,’ he bit out and forced me to step aside. ‘I’ll see you in June, Cara.’
In June? He planned to avoid me until June? My heart shrieked at the idea.
‘June?’ I echoed stupidly.
He didn’t respond. He merely opened the door and walked out.
‘William, I’m sorry,’ I said just before he shut door between us. He met my eyes through the gap, and the view burned into my memory as one of the more painful things I had experienced. Then he closed it.
I stood perfectly still, staring at the door with tears coursing down my face. But they were silent tears. Not so much as a sob escaped me.
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, but eventually I found the strength to lock the door and return to my bedroom. For all I knew, Jason could have woken up and heard us. If he had, I would have a lot of explaining to do, and I dreaded it. But when I entered my room, I found him comatose in my bed, dead to the world.
I lay down beside him and stared up at the ceiling, trepidatious about what the future might hold. Would William truly avoid me until June or was it just something he had said because he was drunk and emotional? I hoped with all my heart that he hadn’t meant it. If he was that cross with me, I couldn’t imagine that my placement at Day this was exactly why getting romantically involved with him was a terrible idea. If things ended on a bad note between us, like they had now, it would undoubtedly create a hostile work environment for me. I would be miserable and demotivated, working under the leadership of a man who couldn’t stand me.
To make it worse, it could also affect my friendship with Jason. What if William, out of spite, decided to tell him about our past? And that I had wounded him badly? Would Jason cut me off for William’s sake? Was our friendship that fragile?
I turned my head and saw only the vague silhouette of Jason’s figure beside me. I didn’t think our friendship could break so easily, but then I had also witnessed first-hand how close he was with his brother.
I wiped my cheeks and tried to tell myself that it was useless to worry about things that might not happen, that I should cross that bridge when I came to it, but it was easier said than done. I hoped desperately that William would move on and forgive me, that when I finally started work, we would treat each other professionally, our past forgotten.
Strangling another sob, I turned onto my side and stared into the darkness, shaking. Had I known things would turn out like this, I would never have gone with Olivia to that bar. I would never have succumbed to those spellbinding blue eyes or that enchanting, crooked smile. I would have been blissfully unaware instead, as I missed out on the most captivating man I had ever met. Then June would have come and I would only have fantasised about knowing him so intimately, not actually experienced it.
If only I hadn’t gone with Olivia to that bar . . .