13 | liverpool’s in the lead
13 | liverpool ’ s in the lead
William was strangely quiet. He hadn’t sent me any messages since Friday last week, and it was Thursday now. As I sat on the train on my way to the exam in Company Law, I wondered what the reason was. Was it something I had done? Or perhaps not done?
I fixed my gaze on the floor, staring absentmindedly at the tiny black dots. I knew William was a busy man, so I tried not to take it personally. He probably had a lot on his plate at work.
Or maybe he’s just bored with me, I thought, sighing. Whatever the reason, I appreciated that he hadn’t distracted me while I was revising for my exam. Aaron and I had spent almost the entire week together preparing for it, but I was still nervous.
When it was finally over, I was relieved. It had been as difficult as I had feared it would be, but I had done my best, so now I just wanted to celebrate that I was finished with it. Aaron was in a splendid mood; he had done great.
‘Have you got any plans?’ he asked as we exited the building.
‘What do you have in mind?’
‘You, me and a bed.’
I chuckled. ‘Yours or mine?’
He shrugged. ‘Tyler’s home, I think.’
‘Well, Jason won’t be home till five, so perhaps mine is better, then. ’
‘Yours it is.’
We hurried home, eager to take advantage of our few moments of privacy.
I had barely entered the flat when Aaron pinned me to the wall and kissed me. I groaned against his mouth and gripped his shirt, undoing the buttons with impatience. He closed the front door, not bothering to lock it, and shrugged out of his shirt, all while he kept kissing me. Reaching for my blouse, he pulled it over my head and undressed me until I was completely naked.
‘Bedroom or here?’ he asked breathily.
‘Bedroom.’
He sank down, grabbed me below my bum, and lifted me up. I wrapped my limbs around him and kept kissing him as he carried me into my room.
Kissing Aaron had never felt wrong, but it had never felt quite right either – merely familiar. It had been weeks since I had experienced a kiss as entirely right for the first time – how consuming and intense it could be. Only one set of lips had managed to set my system on fire like that.
But they weren’t present.
A few minutes later, I was moaning nonstop as I closed in on my peak, but a sudden thud made us both freeze before I could reach it.
We stared at each other, stunned. Was Jason home already?
‘What was that?’ I whispered, frightened.
Aaron snapped out of his paralysis and climbed out of the bed. ‘Jason? Is that you?’
‘Hello?’ I called and heard subtle swearing outside my bedroom door.
‘Aaron!’ I whispered harshly when I saw that he was recklessly approaching the door. ‘It could be a burglar! Did we lock the door?’
He turned the lock, eyeing me with a furrowed brow. Full of anxiety, I gripped the duvet and covered myself.
‘Who’s there?’ Aaron demanded and lingered by the door.
I searched for my phone, wondering if I should call 999, but then I remembered that it was in my bag, which was still in the hall outside. My heart contracted with fear. What were we supposed to do now? Open a window and call for the neighbours?
‘I . . . It’s Will, Jason’s brother.’
Even though it was barely audible, I recognised his voice immediately. Air stormed out of my mouth as if I had just been punched in the gut. How long had he been outside? Had he heard us ?
This was the last thing I had anticipated, so I had no idea how to handle the amount of guilt I felt.
What was he doing here?
‘Cara?’ Aaron prompted.
‘William?’ I called, on autopilot.
‘I’m sorry,’ he replied, and his voice was a little louder now, but the tone of it penetrated my heart like a blade. He sounded so defeated.
Seeming to realise the absence of danger, Aaron bent and lifted his boxers from the floor. He put them on and reached for the door.
‘Aaron!’ I called impulsively. What was he doing? I wasn’t prepared for them to meet, especially like this; I didn’t want him to walk out wearing only his boxers when it would essentially mean rubbing our arrangement in William’s face.
‘What?’
‘What are you doing?’
He frowned. ‘I’m getting our clothes. They’re outside, remember? Feels weird to leave them there when we’re not alone.’ He unlocked the door and opened it. ‘Shit,’ he said, and I could tell from his profile that the view was chaotic.
‘I’m so sorry. It fell over as I came in,’ William said.
Seized by panic, I stormed out of bed and grabbed my nightgown from my desk chair. I wrapped myself in the black satin and rushed to the door to observe their encounter.
The coat stand had fallen over. I squeezed past Aaron and bent to help William clean up the mess.
‘I wasn’t aware you were coming,’ I said as I tossed Aaron’s shirt to him, and I hoped William heard the apology disguised within my statement.
Without looking at me, William grabbed the coat stand and lifted it up. ‘I arrived just now,’ he said. ‘Chelsea’s playing at half four, and I didn’t want to miss it even though Jason won’t be here till around five. I sent you a message, but I guess you haven’t seen it.’
I couldn’t hide my distress. I hadn’t checked my messages since this morning. I had been too distracted discussing the exam with Aaron as we went home.
‘I haven’t.’
‘So you’re Jason’s brother,’ Aaron said. ‘I suppose that also makes you Cara’s future boss. I’m Aaron.’ He extended his hand, but when William only stared at it, he quickly withdrew it, probably remembering that his fingers had been inside me mere minutes ago.
Aaron looked mortified, his eyes fleeting. ‘Sorry, I ... ’
‘I appreciate the gesture, anyway,’ William said gracefully. ‘And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.’
Aaron chuckled awkwardly. ‘No worries. Sorry you had to walk in on that.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Anyway, it’s past half four now.’ He lifted his gaze to William’s again, who was about three inches taller than him. ‘Don’t worry about this. Cara and I can clean up.’
‘Thanks, but I was raised to clean up my own mess.’
‘Right. Decent parenting. I’ll find the match on the TV for you, then. I’d like to see it too, as it happens. They’re playing against Liverpool, and that’s my team.’
‘Thanks.’
As soon as Aaron had disappeared around the corner, I searched for William’s eyes, but they eluded me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, but he didn’t reply. He merely reached for my beige coat, which had fallen to the floor along with the coat stand. We both froze when he lifted it. Underneath it lay the knickers I had worn today.
‘Fuck.’ I snatched them from the floor and tucked them into my palm.
‘I’m leaving,’ he said without looking at me and reached for the door. ‘I’ll tell Jason I went home instead.’
His decision struck me like a cannonball to the chest. A sharp breath escaped and I stared at him. I had obviously hurt him, and I hated myself for it.
‘I thought you wanted to be friends.’ I said it quietly so that Aaron wouldn’t hear. ‘Surely this shouldn’t matter if friendship is all you want?’
Finally, he met my eyes, and his crestfallen expression clawed viciously at my chest.
‘I thought I could manage it,’ he said. ‘But as soon as I heard you, as soon as I saw this’ – he gestured to my clothes on the floor – ‘I realised I can’t. It’s impossible, I’m sorry.’
Without further ado, he opened the door and left.
Trying to process what had just happened, I stared blankly at the door. He had actually heard us. My stomach churned, pushing the contents to my throat. I felt sick.
‘Liverpool’s in the lead,’ Aaron said as he turned the corner. ‘Er, where’s he gone?’
I drew in a breath to compose myself. ‘He felt too awkward to stay.’ I faced him.
Aaron grimaced. ‘Shit. Really?’
‘Really.’
He walked over and tilted my head back. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked worriedly and kissed my forehead.
I swallowed. ‘I’m actually feeling a bit weird. That was very uncomfortable.’
He wrapped his arms around me, trying to comfort me. ‘I’m sure he just needs a minute. I hardly think this will pose a problem once you start work.’
‘I’m not really in the mood for sex anymore,’ I said and pulled away. ‘I’m sorry.’
He chuckled. ‘I’d be surprised if you were. Don’t worry about that. Let’s watch the match instead.’
He knew full well that I wasn’t one to watch football, but, right then, it was better than the alternative of hanging out in my room with nothing to do but talk.
‘Sure. I’d like to shower first, though.’
‘I’ll just wait in the living room, then.’
§ § §
Half-time was just over when Jason stormed through the front door and into the living room.
‘Fuck,’ he grumbled when he saw the score. ‘Not again. We can’t afford this! What the hell are they doing?’ He gestured to the screen, clearly vexed.
‘I’m having a great time,’ Aaron said amusedly, lying spread across the sofa.
‘Yeah, fuck you,’ Jason said with a laugh and folded his arms. ‘By the way, heard you’ve had an awkward afternoon.’
I stiffened. ‘Will told you?’
‘Yeah.’
Aaron sighed and reached over to squeeze my thigh. ‘Yeah, it was quite awkward. We tried to pretend like it was nothing, but he left anyway.’
‘Can’t say I blame him,’ Jason said and walked over to claim the spot beside me, which forced Aaron to move his arm. ‘You’ve had her all day,’ he joked. ‘My turn.’
I hadn’t thought anyone could manage it, but Jason’s comment actually made me grin.
‘Sharing is caring, I suppose,’ Aaron replied.
I glanced at him, and I could tell he was equally amused. That was something I had always been grateful for: Aaron had never felt threatened by my friendship with Jason. In fact the two of them had become good friends and sometimes hung out without me.
‘Honestly, women smell so good.’ Jason wrapped his arm around my neck and pulled my damp hair under his nose. ‘So sweet, like dessert.’
Aaron burst out laughing, and the sound caught me.
‘How long has it been since you got laid, Jase?’ he asked.
‘A millennium.’
‘Your right hand must be growing sore by now.’
‘You’ve no idea. So I’ve switched to my left.’
Aaron guffawed while I shook my head, chuckling. Men.
§ § §
I was grateful that Jason had come home because it was chiefly him who had entertained Aaron after William’s abrupt arrival and departure. I hadn’t been in the mood for socialising at all since then and had been counting the seconds till Aaron would leave. Shortly before midnight, he did, and the first thing I did afterwards was head into my bedroom to check my Instagram.
When I saw William’s message, my heart stilled in my chest. Very slowly, I found a seat on my bed and grimaced.
11:09
I’m coming over after work to watch Chelsea play. Hope your exam went well x
Brilliant. A reminder of his kind and decent character was precisely what I needed right now. It might as well have been a slap to the face or a punch in the gut. I knew I had hurt him, and the more I thought about it, the more it pained me to know. Eventually, tears welled up in my eyes, but they never coursed down my cheeks because I simply would not let them.
I was upset because I had hurt him, not because I felt I had done something wrong. I owed him no fidelity – we weren’t even dating – and I hadn’t known he would be here. He could hardly hold it against me that I would enjoy Aaron in my own home the way he probably enjoyed Francesca, Violet and Kate in his. The only difference was that he had a key to my flat, but that came with the risk of walking in on scenes like this.
Either way, he shouldn’t have had to witness that. I couldn’t imagine how nauseated I would have been had the roles been reversed – had I walked in on him and Violet, for example. There was something brutal about even just the idea. That sort of intimacy was unique, so to witness a person you had shared it with offer it to someone else, especially enthusiastically, seemed like a defilement.
I took a deep breath and focused on what to write to him. He hadn’t answered my apology earlier, but since he’d had a few hours to recover his equilibrium, perhaps he would now. Regardless, I wanted to apologise again to show that I had thought about this since so that he would know that it had sincerely bothered me.
I’m genuinely sorry you had to witness that. I don’t really know what else to say
I hadn’t anticipated that he would see it immediately, but he did. I sat there for quite some time, hoping to be told that he was typing a reply, but it never happened.