24 | to what end?
Though by a slim margin, Valentina and I beat Tyler and Aaron at shuffleboard. After the match, Aaron proposed to take me home since I was exhausted after going out two nights in a row. I expressed concern about ruining his night, but he convinced me that I wouldn’t.
‘I’ve never been much of a party person,’ he reminded me.
As we walked along the pavement toward my flat, Aaron wrapped his arm around my waist. It unsettled me, but I concealed it with a smile as I looked up at him. He smiled back, and I savoured the shape of it, knowing I had news to share that would probably make it disappear. I dreaded the moment we would enter my flat and I would have to tell him that I would be sleeping in Jason’s bed. He would inevitably ask me why. What would I say then? That I would explain tomorrow? Or should I just tell him straight away? We were both a bit drunk, so I wasn’t sure what was best.
Just go with the flow, I thought. I could say that I would explain things tomorrow, but if he asked me to do it tonight instead, I would.
It was nearly two o’clock when I opened the front door and heard music coming from the living room. Was Jason home already?
‘Hello?’ I called and stepped aside to let Aaron in. That was when I noticed five pairs of shoes on the floor that did not belong to Jason or myself, and one pair looked particularly familiar. They were formal brown leather shoes. An alarm went off in my head.
‘Home already?’ Jason yelled back.
‘Hi, Cara!’ Stephen greeted.
My heart faltered. Immobile, I stood next to Aaron while he kicked off his shoes. Panic swallowed me whole as I feared the worst: had their plans changed? Had poker night been moved to ours instead? The likelihood made me gulp with horror. I had Aaron with me, and if poker night was being hosted here, it would mean William was here as well.
I looked back at the brown leather shoes. They had to be his. Shit!
Colour drained from my face as I turned my head and saw Aaron delve his hands in his pockets. When he was about to move forward, my hand acted of its own accord and reached out to stop him.
What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t just kick him out without further ado. But I feared that if William saw him, he could get the wrong impression, and how was I supposed to make him believe my innocence? I had texted him that I was too tired to meet – I hadn’t said anything about Aaron. What if he assumed the worst? It definitely looked like I had lied because I intended to sleep with Aaron tonight.
Was this why he hadn’t replied to my text? Because he knew he would see me when, or if , I got home?
Shit. Another clusterfuck. I wanted to hide in my room and never come out.
‘What’s the matter?’ Aaron asked and glanced at my hand on his arm.
My heart was running at a hundred miles per hour. How would I tackle this?
‘I...’ I couldn’t bring myself to say anything coherent. I was too shocked. Why hadn’t Jason informed me? Had he thought I would be home later than this?
‘Cara, you’re acting strange.’
‘Sorry, I’m just surprised. I thought we’d be alone.’ My voice sounded anxious even to my own ears.
Aaron’s eyebrows knitted with confusion. ‘I don’t see the problem.’ He shrugged his arm out of my hold and moved toward the living room.
Oh no. This was not going to end well. I could feel it in my bones.
I rushed after him and grabbed his arm once more, but just when I was about to speak, somebody exited the bathroom. A tall figure entered my peripheral vision, and I saw it freeze after a single pace. I turned toward them, barely hearing the music above my own heartbeat anymore.
Halfway out the door stood William, and he was staring disbelievingly at Aaron.
I wanted to cry. From the look of him, it was obvious that he had the wrong impression, and I was desperate to correct it. That was the only reason I didn’t immediately seek shelter in my room.
‘Hi,’ Aaron greeted him.
William nodded back, but not a word escaped his lips. His eyes flickered in my direction then, and my heart skipped a beat.
I couldn’t hold his gaze. There was so much hurt in it.
Fixing my eyes on the floor, I tried to think of a way out of this mess, but my panic was clouding my thoughts, and the alcohol in my system only made it worse.
‘It’s been a while,’ Aaron said, ‘but it’s Will, right?’
‘It is. And you’re . . . Aaron?’
‘Yeah.’
I felt William’s subsequent glare upon my figure. I barely managed to glance at him. His jaw was clenched. He was seething.
‘Would you mind giving me a minute alone with Cara?’ he asked. ‘I need to have a word with her.’
I was on the brink of bursting into sobs. As I peeked up at Aaron, his kind brown eyes stared back at me, full of confusion.
I gulped down a lump in my throat. ‘Just give us a minute, please.’
His eyes narrowed and he looked briefly at William. Without a word, he gave me a nod and walked down the corridor, past William’s rigid figure. Just as they overlapped, I saw them exchange a vigilant glance.
As soon as Aaron was out of sight, William turned toward me.
‘What the fuck is this?’
My face contorted. ‘I’m so sorry. I wasn’t aware you’d be here.’
He moved closer, and I tensed. As he stopped in front of me, he bowed his head and glowered down at me. I stared nervously at his chest.
He was silent for such a long time that I dared another glance at him. The sight stabbed into my gut, filling me with pain. He looked so wounded.
‘You lied to me,’ he said, and he sounded so bitter that I winced.
‘I’m so sorry.’ My voice broke. ‘I didn’t want you to worry.’
‘You didn’t want me to worry? What kind of bullshit excuse is that? I’d definitely prefer to know that you’re about to fuck another guy.’
‘I’m not!’ I met his eyes, hoping my sincerity permeated my gaze. ‘It’s not what it looks like.’
‘Oh, really?’ He lowered one brow, making his scepticism loud and clear. ‘Then please explain what’s actually going on here.’
‘It’s complicated, but we planned ages ago that he would sleep at mine so that Tyler and his girlfriend could have the flat to themselves.’
‘So then why didn’t you tell me?’ He leaned back and gestured to me, maddened.
‘Because I’d completely forgotten about it! I only remembered when he called me after you’d left earlier.’
He shook his head. ‘That changes absolutely nothing. “Too tired to meet up” my fucking arse,’ he spat. ‘You knew when you wrote that text that he was coming home with you.’
My eyebrows curved and my lips quivered. Remorse clawed inside my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
‘Will, I really am so sorry. I just didn’t want you to assume wrong. I was going to tell you next time I saw you.’
He looked away, glaring at the front door with clenched teeth. Was he considering whether to leave? My heart palpitated at the mere thought, my throat tightening.
‘Will,’ I said, and my voice had a pleading tone. ‘I swear I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I was going to take Jason’s bed.’
He shook his head again. ‘How do I know you aren’t just telling a lie right now because you were caught red-handed?’
Tears brimmed in my eyes, obscuring my sight. I didn’t know what to say. How could I make him believe me?
Staring at him, I could feel him slipping from my grasp, and it was agonising. His demeanour radiated mistrust, his features spilling with wariness as he retreated a pace.
I had really fucked up.
‘You lie and you lie, Cara, and I’ve had enough of it.’ A thick layer of resentment swelled in his eyes, but it was the unmistakable vulnerability shining through that made my heart ache. He looked completely shattered.
‘What do you want me to say?’ My voice wobbled. ‘How can I prove that I’m being honest?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, his face twisting with pain.
Agitated, I gestured to the corner Aaron had disappeared behind. ‘Do you really think I’d be so stupid as to sleep with Aaron tonight when I live with your brother?’
He pressed his lips together, and I saw a vague spark of forgiveness in his eyes. My argument had pushed him closer to believing the truth.
‘It’s not like I would have been able to hide it from him,’ I said, striving to bring him all the way there. ‘He would have come home and seen Aaron’s shoes in the hall, and he would have confronted me about it.’
‘And you could have denied it.’
‘To what end?’ I gesticulated. ‘One way or another, Jason would have told you that Aaron slept here. But if things had happened the way I intended, Jason would have found me in his own bed tonight, so he would have known that I didn’t have sex with him. And in the morning, he would hear that I had ended things with Aaron because I want to be with you. ’ I wiped my cheeks, sniffing. ‘I know I’ve made mistakes, Will, but not this time. Things may not look right, but I’m telling the truth.’
‘Are you really ending things with him, though?’ he asked sceptically.
‘Of course I am. You’re the only one that I want.’
He swallowed, but I could tell by his stare that he still wasn’t convinced. I turned my face to the ceiling, exhaling deeply through my mouth.
Lowering my head again, I said, ‘The only reason I haven’t ended things with him yet is that I didn’t want to ruin his night. I was trying to be considerate of him and Tyler, especially since it was Tyler’s birthday. But I wish I hadn’t. If I had prioritised myself, we would have avoided this. But it was his best friend’s birthday, so it just seemed like it could wait a day.’
William’s eyes were fixed on the front door, and it was clear by his expression that he was pondering. Sensing how conflicted he was, I reached out and took his hand. My chest stung at the contact of our skin. It felt so right, and I didn’t want to lose it. Indeed, if I lost him over something like this, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
His gaze darted to our hands, then up to mine. I squeezed and stepped closer to him, staring at him with a desperate plea in my eyes.
‘Please, Will. Say you believe me.’
His jaw flexed and he withdrew his hand from my grip. ‘Have you kissed tonight?’
‘No,’ I said, high-pitched. ‘I’ve treated him only as a friend would.’
He narrowed his eyes, scanning my gaze for lies.
‘Is everything all right here?’ Aaron suddenly interrupted.
I stopped breathing and turned my head. Aaron stood near the corner leading to the living room, and it seemed like he had just arrived. When he saw my face, his eyes widened.
‘What the hell have you done?’ he asked, looking accusingly at William.
‘Nothing.’ William frowned, his voice taut with irritation .
Aaron gestured to me. ‘She’s crying her eyes out, man!’
‘Oh, piss off,’ William snapped.
Aaron looked at me. ‘Shall I kick him out?’
‘No, it’s all right.’ I shook my head and dried my cheeks. ‘It’s my own fault that I’m crying.’
Aaron grew quiet then, studying me. A series of different emotions crossed his face, and he hesitated.
‘Am ... Am I missing something here?’ The apprehension in his eyes struck my chest like a bullet.
‘Yes,’ I squeaked.
His lips snapped into a tight, straight line and his jaw clenched. Several seconds of silence elapsed.
‘I thought he was just your boss,’ he said. ‘Nothing more.’
Guilt twisted my face and I started to tremble. A row of sobs threatened at the back of my throat.
This wasn’t how I had meant for him to find out.
‘Please, don’t tell me you’ve slept together,’ he said, grimacing. He tucked his hands in his pockets, and they formed fists there.
‘Aaron, I... I’m sorry,’ I said, my voice quivering.
His eyes were filled with hurt. I had never seen him like this, and it gnawed at my chest like vicious poison.
He looked at William. ‘More than once?’
William merely glanced at me, keeping quiet.
I studied Aaron with wide eyes, desperate to soothe him, desperate to make amends, but I knew that if I reached for him, he would only shudder away. He always did when he was upset about something, and this time, he was upset about something I had done.
‘That’s strikingly unprofessional,’ Aaron said as he surmised the truth from our silence. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be her boss?’
William’s face crinkled with shame. ‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘Isn’t it? And how is that?’
William hesitated. ‘Are you sure you want to know this?’
Aaron gritted his teeth. ‘Yes.’
William blew his cheeks out and rubbed his neck. ‘We slept together several months ago, before we even knew I was going to be her boss, and then feelings got involved, so when she came on to me last night, I couldn’t resist reciprocating.’
‘Feelings?’ Aaron echoed faintly, sounding both surprised and disappointed .
‘On my part, at least.’
William had never said that explicitly before, and it made my heart pulsate furiously. Even despite how sorry I felt for Aaron, elation warmed my chest and cheeks.
Aaron gazed away, nodding. ‘And let me guess – now you’re being a dick to her because you’re jealous of her and me?’
‘I’m not being a dick,’ William retorted.
Aaron watched him mockingly. ‘Then why is she crying?’
‘Because she was caught lying.’ William changed his posture, his stance becoming hostile. Waving his hand, he said, ‘Will you fuck off already?’
‘No.’
‘Aaron.’ I grimaced, dreading what I was about to say. I took a deep breath, gathering my strength. ‘You should leave.’
His eyes popped with shock. ‘ I should leave?’
I winced. ‘Yes.’
He stared at me for several seconds, disbelieving, but since I revealed no sign of changing my mind, he eventually seemed to grasp that I meant it. Fixing his eyes on his bag beside my feet, he strode toward us. When he reached my side, I held my breath. My conflicting emotions were so intense that I thought I would be ripped apart. I hated that I was hurting him, and the fact that he had been defending me only made it worse.
Eluding my gaze, he put on his shoes, picked up his bag and hoisted it on to his shoulder.
‘Aaron, I’m so sorry,’ I said.
He shook his head and ripped the door open. ‘This is unbelievable. I hope you’ll be very happy together,’ he spat.
Without another word or so much as a glance at me, he walked out and slammed the door after himself. I flinched at the sound and stared after him, my tears coursing down my face.
‘Hey!’ Jason called. ‘Everything all right out there?’ The music grew quieter. ‘Get a move on, Will! We’re growing old waiting for you!’
I could hear that he was anxious. Aaron’s presence must have unsettled him.
‘Just continue without me!’ William replied and reached for my hand, but I recoiled from his touch.
‘Please, go back to the others,’ I said and avoided his gaze. Snuffling, I wiped my nose. ‘I’d like to be alone right now.’
He was quiet for some time, watching me intently .
‘You’re obviously not all right, but is there anything I can do? Other than leave you alone?’
I shook my head. ‘Thanks, though.’
When he still hadn’t left after several seconds, I looked up at him. ‘What is it?’
His eyebrows twitched, and his lips were set in a grave line. Slowly, he raised his hands and dried the traces of my tears.
‘I’m sorry I made you cry.’
I huffed. ‘You didn’t. This is all on me.’
He cupped my face in his palms, watching me soberly. ‘For what it’s worth, I forgive you.’
My breath rasped in my throat and I stared at him. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’ He tipped my head back, his gaze set on my lips. ‘They look so puffy now,’ he said, running his thumb across them. ‘Makes me want to kiss them. May I?’
I sniffed and shrugged my head out of his hold. ‘No. Not right now. It feels disrespectful towards Aaron.’
He nodded vaguely. ‘I get that,’ he said and glanced at my bedroom door. ‘Does that mean you’d prefer to sleep alone or shall I stay the night?’
I blew out a loud, long breath and wiped my eyes again; new tears kept coming.
‘Do whatever you want.’
‘Then I’ll be staying the night.’
‘Okay.’
He raised his hand toward me but stopped before he could reach my chin. Withdrawing, he delved his hand in his pocket.
‘I – I’m sorry. I hate to see you like this.’
I shook my head. ‘I thought you were supposed to be at Stephen’s tonight?’
‘We were, but Giselle had to take an early shift at the hospital in the morning. A nurse called in sick, so we thought we’d show some consideration and do it here instead.’
I sighed. ‘Right.’
He looked around, probably wondering what to do with himself. ‘Well, let me know if you need anything.’
‘Thanks, but I’ll be all right.’
Nodding, he turned away and left.
I stood there for another while, thinking about Aaron. I had to explain things to him, try to salvage our friendship, but would he want anything to do with me after this? I was sure he felt betrayed, and I hated myself for it. At the same time, we had never been exclusive, so he had undoubtedly been aware that this could happen –that I might meet someone I would want to be with.
I decided that I should give him some time to come to terms with everything. It wasn’t like Aaron to stay angry for long periods of time, so I felt confident that he would reach out to me as soon as he had simmered down. We had so many years of precious friendship behind us. I doubted it had been lost because of this.
Huffing, I went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. As I walked out, I didn’t bother greeting the lads. I didn’t want them to see me like this: my eyes puffy from crying and my lips red and swollen. I didn’t think they had heard anything, but I was certain they had realised something was off by William’s prolonged absence earlier.
Entering my room, I went straight to bed, but I was too rattled to fall asleep. I kept seeing the hurt in Aaron’s eyes whenever I closed my own, and it made my chest ache with suffocating guilt.
Sleep was still eluding me when I eventually heard voices in the hall outside, and I realised the guests were leaving. When all of them had gone, I strained my ears, expecting William to come in, but instead I heard him lingering in the living room. He was chatting with Jason, but their voices were so quiet that I couldn’t distinguish anything they said. They remained there for quite some time until I finally heard a pair of feet drawing closer to my bedroom.
William opened the door. ‘Still awake?’ he asked, sounding concerned. The light from the corridor shone on his back, so I couldn’t make out the details of his face.
‘Can’t sleep.’
He walked in and shut the door. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ He moved over to my bed.
I exhaled slowly. ‘Not really.’
He sat down on the bed, and his closeness made my chest feel just a bit lighter. I heard him take off his clothes, the articles landing on the floor one after the other.
Sighing, he lifted the duvet and lay down beside me. ‘Come here.’
A vague smile curved my lips. Snuggling closer, I rested my head on his chest while he wrapped his arm around me. My eyes widened at the march of his heart. I could feel it thumping against my cheek, hard and fast .
‘Are you okay?’ I asked worriedly.
‘I’m fine, why?’
‘Your heart’s beating so fast.’
‘Well, I’m not used to this yet – being allowed to hold you.’ He paused. ‘Feels a bit surreal.’
I hadn’t thought anything could manage it, but hearing that brought a genuine grin to my mouth. Wrapping my arm and leg over him, I kissed his chest.
‘It does, but it also feels completely right,’ I said.
He tensed against me. ‘I’m glad to hear that,’ he said and dropped a kiss on my head. ‘I agree.’
I closed my eyes, soothed by his embrace. My thoughts quieted, the tension in my chest abated. All my muscles relaxed as I mellowed against his warm body. Finally I could breathe freely again. I inhaled deeply, relishing his pleasant scent and the peace I felt. His hand roamed up and down my back, stroking me gently.
‘Are you falling asleep?’ he asked after a while, his voice so soft it would suit a lullaby.
‘Yeah,’ I whispered drowsily.
He kissed my head again. ‘Good.’
I gave his chest a lazy peck. ‘Good night, darling.’
‘Good night, sweetheart.’