Chapter 55 Ethan
FIFTY-FIVE
ETHAN
Iscreamed so loud I woke myself. I blinked rapidly as reality set in.
I wasn’t in the underground anymore. I was home. Safe. Celeste wasn’t on my dick. I wasn’t getting railed in my ass. No one was torturing Fox.
I kicked off my covers and sat on the edge of my bed, holding my head in my hands for a long time before getting up and going downstairs.
Once in the kitchen, I opened the fridge and frowned at the lack of food. Rosalie always cooked and left food for us. She hadn’t done it since I’d been back.
In fact, I hadn’t seen her in over a week. All I knew was that she had left overnight, and no one knew where she was.
“Are you hungry?” Rosalie’s soft voice called out.
I turned to find her sitting in the dark at the table, holding a mug in her hand. I hadn’t seen her when I’d come in, but why would I? The lights were out.
We hadn’t spoken in weeks. I missed her terribly. I hated the feelings in my chest as I stared back at her through the dim light over the sink.
“I, um, I’m fine,” I mumbled.
She didn’t move or press me. She simply continued to sit, holding her drink. If I had to guess, it was hot chocolate. She always drank hot chocolate at night.
Without contemplating what I was doing, I shuffled over and sat across from her.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Terrible. How are you?”
“Same.”
We were both quiet for a moment before she spoke.
“I have extra hot chocolate if you want some.”
“I-I would,” I answer in a quiet voice. “If it’s not too much trouble.”
She said nothing and got up. I didn’t move. Instead, I sat at the table staring at my hands in front of me. She shuffled around and made some noise. Moments later, she was sliding a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of me and a mug of hot chocolate.
She returned to her seat and sipped her hot chocolate.
“Thank you,” I whispered, grateful for her.
“You’re welcome,” she murmured.
I ate while she continued to drink, neither of us speaking. When I finished my sandwich, I took a drink of the hot chocolate.
“You’ve always made good hot chocolate,” I commented. I stared down at my hands again as she remained quiet.
I didn’t even know what the fuck to say to her.
I wanted to scream that I loved her. Missed her. Needed her.
The words wouldn’t come. I was disgusting. If she knew… fuck.
“It’s OK,” she finally said.
I looked at her. “What is?”
“Falling out of love with me. It’s OK. Enzo is. Fox is gone. You’re on the way out. Cole…” her voice trailed off. “It’s OK.”
“Fuck, Rosalie. It’s-It’s not like that.”
“It’s OK,” she repeated. “It’s OK.” Her soft sob sounded out, and she wiped quickly at her tears.
“Don’t cry. Please, don’t fucking cry.” I made to reach for her, but jerked my hand back when I realized I was doing it.
“Enzo is talking to Celeste,” she continued after wiping her eyes.
I stiffened at her words. I knew he said he’d be doing some really bad things, but fuck, I had no words. Just a wish that he’d fucking gut the bitch and piss on her corpse.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I said roughly. “It doesn’t.”
She looked down at the mug in her hands.
“You don’t need to try to smooth this over, Ethan. It hurts. Lots of things hurt me right now. I waited for you. For Fox. And for what? For it to fall apart anyway?” She shook her head. “I love you. I want you to know that. I never stopped.”
“Fuck, sweetheart,” I rasped. “I-I can’t… so much shit has happened.”
“I’m not asking you to,” she said. “I’m only asking for honesty. I would stay through everything for you guys. If you don’t want me, let me go.”
“I-I don’t want to let you go,” I whispered. “It’s the last thing I want to do. You’re everything to me, but the things I’ve experienced…” I wiped at my eyes. “I can’t right now. I-I don’t know if I ever can. “
She nodded. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Don’t go, though,” I continued. “I-I don’t want you to go. I should, but I’m a selfish prick. I keep hoping I’ll wake and this will have been a nightmare. That none of it was ever real. You’ll be in my arms. Fox will be beside you. Cole and Enzo will be with us.”
“This is reality, Ethan,” she said. “Not a dream. Not a nightmare. It’s real.”
“I know.” My voice cracked. “I wish it wasn’t. That’s all.” I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. “I was honest with you, Rosalie. Be honest with me. Where were you when you left overnight?”
She stared down at her mug again, her delicate hands trembling.
“Were you with Anson?” I pressed.
“No.”
“Then where?”
“I met a guy at a bar. I went home with him.” Her words were so soft I could barely hear them.
“You-You went home with a guy from a-a bar?” My guts churned at her words. I definitely hadn’t expected that answer. “Did you have-have sex with him?”
My heart pounded as I stared at her, waiting for her answer.
Please, sweetheart, don’t break my heart right back…
“I-I didn’t. We talked. I’ve known him for a bit before.
He saw me out and came up. I drank too much.
He asked me to go to his place, so I did because being here…
” her voice trailed off, and she breathed in deeply.
“It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone, but you guys have destroyed me.
I’ve been so alone. I’ve been going through everything without the ones who should have been there for me.
I know I can’t be hard on you, Ethan. I don’t blame you.
But Enzo. He stopped trying. Cole comes in sometimes. ”
“We do love you,” I whispered. “Things are hard right now.”
“Right. It’s why Enzo is making plans to meet up with someone alone he swore to me he wouldn’t talk to anymore.”
I said nothing. I had no idea what he was doing, but I’d make it a point to find out.
“What else?” I pressed. “Did anything happen with the guy?”
“Yes.”
My breath caught, and I thought I was going to die again.
“What happened?” I asked, needing to know. “It won’t change how I feel, sweetheart. I-I swear.”
She bit her bottom lip. “I-I don’t want to talk about it. I-I can’t. I messed up. I hate myself for it.”
“It’s not cheating,” I managed to say, the pain of her words overwhelming me. But she’d told me. She was always honest with me. “It’s not. We’re paused. It’s not cheating, sweetheart. It wasn’t cheating when I-I kissed Macy. This isn’t cheating.”
She let out a soft sob and hugged herself. “The d-difference is you didn’t want to do it. I did. In that moment, I did. I wanted to feel like I mattered.”
“Fuck, you do matter. Damnit, Rosalie! You fucking matter! I don’t want to lose you. All I thought about while I was away was you. Getting home to you. Things just fucking suck, baby. They suck. I-I want us to work. I just… I need time. I need some fucking time. I’m not well.”
“I know.” She breathed in deeply and tried to calm herself.
“I know you’re not. It’s wrong of me to want to force myself on you.
I-I don’t want that. I don’t want you to feel pressured by me.
I’m only telling you my feelings. That’s it.
I don’t want them to hurt you. It’s never on the list of things to do.
Not to you, Ethan. I-I love you so much.
So much. I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry.” She stood abruptly and ran from the room, leaving me to sit alone at the table, her words still burning through my body.
I didn’t know what to do. I was lost. I blamed myself even more. I couldn’t even comfort her. Kiss her. Tell her that I would try harder.
I didn’t even know if I had it in me to try. I’d failed her. I’d failed Fox.
Everything was fucked.
FUCKED.