Chapter 18 River #2
“Hello, my loves!” Dazia said, breezing in. Her smile only faltered a little at the sight of Mom looking pale and wasted in the bed.
I quickly stood up, and she took my face in both hands, kissed both my cheeks.
“River, you get more handsome every minute. The girls must be falling over themselves for you.”
I managed a smile. “Good to see you, Dazia. Thanks for coming.”
“You can’t keep me away.” She sat on the bed and touched Mom’s cheek. “How are we feeling, love. Not so hot?”
“Bye, Mom,” I said.
“Bye, honey,” Mom said. “Have fun tonight.”
I went out and sagged against the wall outside the bedroom door.
Keeping Mom’s promise felt impossible. My own grief was a chasm that if I fell into it, I’d keep falling and never come back out.
I had to be strong. Not just for my dad and sister but for myself.
So I didn’t break apart into a million pieces.
***
At 10:00 p.m., I drove to the Seabright neighborhood and parked alongside the Parishes’ huge craftsman.
I came around to the side gate, then froze to see an elderly woman leaving the guesthouse.
The woman patted Holden’s cheek, then turned and went back to the main house.
Holden watched her go, then touched his fingers where her hand had been.
My heart swelled at the sight. Whoever that woman was, I loved her already.
Holden caught sight of me and waved. A few minutes later, he met me at my truck.
“Who was that?” I asked as he climbed into the cab. “Is there something you need to tell me?”
He gave me a pointed look. “Is this you being cute?”
“Yes,” I said with a small laugh and kissed him. “But for real, who is she?”
“Beatriz Alves. She’s my aunt and uncle’s housekeeper, but…”
“She’s your friend.”
He nodded. “On the nights you ditch me to hang out with the Neanderthal Squad, we have movie night.”
“Does she know about me?”
“Yes.” Holden glanced at me with rare vulnerability in his eyes. “Sometimes, things are so good with you, it starts to feel surreal. I had to tell someone to make it more solid. I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” I said quietly.
Our secrecy was wearing on him. Because of course it was. It was wearing on me too, breaking me down slowly, like the ocean taking more and more of the shore with every receding wave.
“Well?” Holden said, recovering his sarcastic tone. “Are we going to see a bunch of rocks fall from the sky or what?”
I drove up through the Pogonip Forest, up a winding road, higher and higher until the tree line broke. We parked at a clearing, and I breathed thanks that no one else had the idea to come up here.
I set out a blanket on the bed of my truck, and Holden and I lay on our backs under a dark blue sky glittering with stars. It took only a few minutes before the first meteor streaked across the sky, a silver ball leaving a trail of sparks until it burned out.
“Not bad, right?” I asked.
“It’s better than watching a bunch of old guys ogle old cars.”
I started to retort, but the meteors were shooting above us, one after the other.
We both shut up and just watched as the universe threw its own fireworks show, raining light across the black backdrop.
From our vantage, with no one around, it was easy to imagine that they were just for Holden and me.
I turned to look at him and watched the lights flare in his eyes, his sharp exterior soft with the beauty of it.
“Can I ask you something?”
Holden raised his brows. “Sounds serious.”
“What was your first time like?” I shifted on the blanket. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me. If you don’t want to.”
“I don’t mind. It wasn’t exactly earth-shattering, yet it was completely earth-shattering, all things considered.”
I tried to ignore the jealousy that bit at me. “What do you mean?”
“It was at prep school. I was fifteen. He was seventeen. The act itself wasn’t anything to write home about.
Rougher than I’d have preferred.” He quickly shook his head at my hissed intake of breath.
“That was due to our inexperience more than anything else. Though truthfully, I wasn’t in a healthy headspace to ask for anything different, and I wasn’t going to stop anyway.
The ultimate rebellion against my parents. But the joke was on me.”
“What happened?”
“My partner—we’ll call him Blake because that’s his name—thought it would be fun to film it.
Being the dumbass that I was, I agreed and thought nothing more about it.
But since that first sexual experience was less than satisfying, I branched out.
Saw other people. And by see, I mean I fucked my way through the gay population at that school and a few students who were on the fence to boot.
Blake became upset and showed our video to some friends.
They showed their friends…” Holden rolled a finger in the air.
“It went viral, jumping from one phone to another until our entire floor was infected.”
My teeth ground together. My hand found Holden’s and held on while the meteors streaked across the black sky.
“The director of the school got wind of it. He hauled us to his office, and both sets of parents were there. The biggest scandal in the school’s one hundred and thirty years.
I doubted that, but my parents certainly agreed.
Charles and Estelle Parish handled it in true rich-person fashion—threatening to sue the school into oblivion if word got out.
They confiscated every phone, made everyone sign NDAs, paid off anyone who’d seen it, and pulled me out of the school.
For a few precious days, it was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. ”
My brows furrowed. “How?”
Holden smiled sadly. “For the first time, my parents were on my side, protecting me.” He turned his gaze back to the sky. “But in the end, they didn’t give a shit about me at all. They were protecting their reputation. We flew home, and eight days later, I was in Alaska.”
“Christ.”
“So that was the romantic tale of my first time, available for your viewing pleasure at the click of a link.”
My eyes flared. “The video is still out there?”
He shrugged. “I haven’t looked, but this is the digital age. God knows how many times my lover shared the video before he got caught.”
“Fuck.” Anger burned at the back of my throat.
Holden rolled on his side. “Not much I can do about it now.” He reached out and brushed a lock of hair off my forehead. “Not every guy is as good as you, River.”
The moment caught and held. Nothing casual in it.
Holden quickly withdrew his hand and nudged my shoulder. “Your turn. You ever gone all the way? Video evidence optional.”
He needed me to change the subject, so I did. “I never got far with any girl. Complete lack of interest.”
“Didn’t you wonder why? Especially during those early, horny years?”
“Sure, but I didn’t let myself dwell on it or ask any questions. I shelved it away with everything else. I’d watch straight porn and focus entirely on the guy.” I smirked. “I told myself it was because I was studying what to do.”
Holden snorted. A low chuckle that built steam until he was cackling, holding his sides.
“So glad this is funny to you,” I said, biting back my own smile.
“I’m picturing you watching some housewife bent over a table getting drilled by the plumber…and you’re there with paper and pencil, taking notes.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, shut up.”
I let the dummy have his moment, and finally Holden sighed out his last laugh.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t joke about your sexual identity crisis. Forgive me?”
“No,” I said, pushing him to his back and settling on top of him. “I’m devastated. I’ll never recover.”
He shifted beneath me, tilting his groin up against mine. “How can I ever make it up to you?”
Above us, the meteors flared, streaked, and burned out, none of them lasting.
“There’s nothing to make up. But… Let’s go back to your place.”
Holden’s eyes widened, reading my every intention. I’d kept a mask on my face for years, but Holden had always been able to see right through it. From the very beginning.
“You sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
I was sure that the night had arrived for me, that there was never going to be anyone else I’d want this with but Holden.
And even if I were a fumbling mess, he’d never doubt I wanted it to be good for him.
Safe. I couldn’t erase what had happened to him, but maybe I could paint over it with new memories.
We drove back down the hill in silence. I parked at the curb and followed Holden inside. I took off my jacket, and he took off his coat, and then we were rushing at each other, grasping and gripping. Kissing with hard, deep sweeps of our tongues.
But these kisses were different. Every touch was different, taking us closer to the moment I’d been waiting for my entire life—the culmination of who I was and who I wanted.
Only Holden.
We stumbled into his bedroom, stripping down to our underwear and falling into his bed.
“I want you inside me,” Holden breathed against my lips, his hands roaming my naked skin.
Fuck…
Lust and relief flooded me; I wanted to be inside him too, more than my next breath.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said, my heart pounding in my throat. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t,” he said. “Do you remember the night I introduced you to your prostate?”
“Um, yeah.”
As if I’d forget. Holden had lubed two fingers and breached me, pressing a spot inside me. A deep ache of pleasure had woken, turning me inside out. I’d never come so hard in my life.
“You start there,” Holden said. “With me.”
Christ, his words, his mouth, his hands on me… I was losing myself in him and fought for control.
“I never asked you if you were sure,” I managed.
“I am. I’ve wanted this for a long time.” He kissed me slowly, uncharacteristically serious. “With you.”