Chapter 18 River #3
I kissed him back, and we stripped off our underwear.
Our bodies touched everywhere, our erections rubbing against each other, the friction maddening and not enough.
What I felt for Holden was locked in my chest, the enormity of it too big for me to put into words.
Nothing was going to be enough but to be inside him.
But my every cell and molecule were vibrating, making me tremble.
“River,” Holden said against my lips. “We don’t have to—”
“I want to,” I said quickly. “I want to so badly, I can hardly think. But…”
“Slow,” he said. “We go slow. And we stop at any time. I don’t care when or what we’re doing—”
“Same goes for you,” I said, my gaze holding his intently, my jumping nerves calming. “Any time. No matter what.”
Holden sighed. “Your kindness is sexy, River, and I’ve never…” He shook his head. “Never mind.”
He’s never been treated the way he deserves to be treated. Never asked for it for himself.
We kissed until the low-burning flame that had been simmering flared to life. I planted kisses down his warm skin, moving lower and lower, then taking the hard length of him in my mouth. I sucked him deep and pumped with one hand until he shook his head, gasping.
“Wait, wait. Not yet. I want you inside me when I come.”
Oh Christ…
A full-body shiver racked me, like a meteor flaring and then fading out, taking the last of my nervousness with it. I’d never let myself wonder what it would be like to be with a guy. Now that the moment had come, I realized I was right where I was supposed to be. With Holden.
He reached into his nightstand drawer for a condom and a small bottle of lube. I took them from him and lay over him, our chests sealed, hearts pounding, our hips grinding and our mouths sharing each other’s air.
I braced myself on one arm, still kissing him. Always kissing him. With my other hand, I opened the bottle and dripped lube over Holden’s erect cock. I stroked him slowly, coating my fingers at the same time.
“Prudent,” Holden said and then hissed a breath as I moved my fingers lower, to his entrance. “Ah fuck, River…”
He clutched my shoulders, digging painfully, as I slowly worked one finger inside him, breaching the tight ring of muscle.
“Christ, how do you make it feel like that?” he breathed.
“Is it okay?”
He nodded quickly, his neck taut. “It’s so good. It’s never been this good.”
I kissed him hard, a surge of emotion rushing through me. I wasn’t the first here, but goddamn, I wanted to be the one that he remembered. My first and his too.
Christ, he was tight, and my cock swelled at the thought of being there with that impossible pressure around me.
Just the idea had me on the verge of coming.
I concentrated on him, always him, as I added a second finger to join the first. Holden’s chest constricted against mine, and his kiss turned biting, almost hard enough to draw blood.
Vampire.
I smiled and worked my fingers gently inside him, pressing that bundle of nerve endings. Holden arched his back under me, sucking in a breath.
“Oh fuck… Fuck, yes…”
I pressed the spot again and again and watched the reaction in Holden, reveling in it. How his abs contracted, how his beautiful face became a grimace of pained pleasure. I could have done nothing else all night, but Holden shook his head.
“No more,” he panted. “Now… I need you now.”
He felt for the condom on the bed, tore open the wrapper, and reached between us to roll it down over me. Then he lay back on the pillow and swallowed hard, his green eyes bright and glassy.
“River…” he breathed.
I nodded, my own breath trapped in my throat. I used more lube, coating my cock. But holy God, I was too big. I started to use my fingers again, but Holden brushed them away.
“Is it enough?” I asked.
“It’s enough,” he said. “Fuck me, River, and it’ll be okay, I promise. God, more than okay.”
I braced myself over him again as he hitched his knees up, his eyes intent on mine, trust and something deeper in their green depths. Something I was going to fall into if I wasn’t careful.
I gripped my cock, stroking it until it was slick with lube, then aligned myself. Breath held, I pressed in. Slowly. So slowly as he took me into a tightness I could hardly comprehend.
Holden’s breath was coming in harsh, short pants. He lifted his head off the pillow to watch me, his expression a kind of ecstasy I’d never seen him wear. Inch by inch, I eased myself inside him.
“Okay?” I managed. “Holden… Is this okay?”
He nodded, his abs cut in stark relief at the strain of taking me. “Don’t stop. God, River, please don’t stop.”
I pushed in deeper, the tightness around me unlike anything I’d ever known. Pulling at me, drawing me into him, until finally our hips met.
“Oh fuck,” I breathed, my forehead falling against his. I braced myself with both forearms now, holding myself still. Afraid if I moved, I’d break him. Or me. “Holden?”
“So good,” he whispered brokenly into the dark, heated space between us where there existed no one but him and me. “God, you feel so good.”
I kissed him and slowly drew my hips back. A groan escaped me at the same time as Holden hissed out a yes. The tightness gave just a little, enough that I pressed back in. Again. And again. A little faster now.
“Yes,” Holden managed, his sweaty forehead still pressed to mine, his hands gripping my arms. “Just like that.”
In and out, I moved in him, his body taking all of me and releasing me just enough, never letting go, until we found a rhythm. Sensations unlike anything I’d ever known wrapped around me with every movement. I lost contact with myself and became us, moving faster, taking us both higher.
I made fists in the sheets and pushed up, back arched, my hips now driving into him.
Holden gripped my forearms, mindless words falling out of his mouth.
Yes and more and my name. With a strangled sound, he took himself in hand.
Only a few strokes and he came, his release spurting over his stomach, dripping over his fingers.
“Give it to me,” I breathed, shocked at the words coming out of my mouth. At the raw need that had my body in a feverish clench as I drove into him again and again.
Holden’s eyes flared. He brought his fingers to my mouth and pushed them inside. My eyes shut, and I groaned at the salty taste of him on my tongue. My hips pounded against him, flesh slapping flesh.
“That’s it,” Holden coaxed, tracing his fingers over my lips. “Come, River. Come hard in me. Now.”
A strangled sound erupted from my throat as the ecstasy that had been building snapped, the fever breaking, releasing a flood of sensations—an orgasm that ripped from me into him.
I gave him everything, and he took it, his hands on my hips now, pulling me in tight and pushing me back, guiding me through every slow moment until there was nothing left.
I collapsed over him, and his arms went around me, clutching me tight.
“Holy shit,” I breathed into the crook of his neck, safe as the last ribbons of the orgasm shuddered through me. I sank into perfect bliss, into him. I could have slept for a million years, wrapped in him.
Holden’s hand found my hair at the back of my head, and the soft sensation broke me out of my stupor. I jerked my head up and searched his eyes.
“Are you… Are you okay?”
To my shock, Holden was blinking away tears.
“Perfect,” he said thickly and sniffed. “It was perfect, you bastard.”
Carefully, I pulled out of him with a small grunt, and we lay for a few minutes more, his fingers tangling lazily in my hair.
I started to drift off to sleep, but in all the months we’d been together, I’d never spent the night. An unspoken rule of our arrangement. A futile effort to keep things casual.
I forced myself to leave the bed and went to the bathroom. I cleaned myself up, disposed of the condom, then ran warm water over a washcloth. I came back, and Holden was lying on his side, watching me. I wiped the cloth over Holden’s skin, his penis, and gently drew it between his legs.
He closed his eyes, a pained expression drawing his brows in tight. As sure as I knew my own name, I knew no one had done this for him before.
Anger burned hot. I tossed the washcloth aside and curled up behind Holden, wrapped my arms around him, and drew him tight to me. His back to my chest, his hands locked in mine.
“You don’t have to be home?” he asked warily.
I tensed. “Not yet. Unless—”
“Good.” He pressed himself closer to me, and in moments, he was asleep.
I lay awake for a long time, feeling the rise and fall of his chest in my arms, his heart beating under my hand.
Mine.
But Holden wasn’t mine. I wasn’t his. In a few short weeks, we’d both be gone.
I squeezed my eyes shut, blocking the thought from this perfect night. I slept.
***
Sometime later, I woke still wrapped around Holden. Protectively. The clock on the nightstand read 4:00 a.m.
I planted a kiss between his shoulder blades and carefully disentangled myself. Cold air swooped in wherever we no longer touched. I tucked the covers around him, making sure he would be warm, then dressed quickly and crept out.
Back home, I came in through the garage door that led to the kitchen. A pool of yellow light fell over the round table. My dad sat there, my college acceptance letters fanned out in front of him.
“Hey,” I said cautiously. “Sorry I’m late. Lost track of time…”
“It’s okay, my boy. Couldn’t sleep. Your mom…” He sighed heavily. “I guess I’m just thinking too hard tonight.”
I nodded and sat down with him.
“What have you been up to?” he asked with a forced smile. “Not too much trouble, I hope.”
My heart cracked a little. For his pain and for me that I couldn’t talk to him, father and son, about the milestones in my life.
I lost my virginity tonight, I wanted to say. With a guy. And it was fucking perfect.
“Not much.” I glanced at the letters. “What’s all this?”
“You haven’t answered any of them,” he said.
I blinked. “I haven’t? Yes, I have. Alabama?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. The deadline has passed.”
The earth seemed to tilt on its axis, and a great gust of relief swept through me, then died the next second.
“The gal from admissions called today, asking for you. I told her we just lost track of the deadline, and she said she’d make an exception.” His smile widened slightly. “That’s how much they want you, son. I’m so proud.”
I swallowed. “So what happens next?”
“You accept, and then in a few short weeks, we pack you up. Training camp starts the first week in July—”
“Dad,” I said, my hand on his. “How can I leave her?”
He shook his head slowly. “River… She’s going to leave us first.”
“Maybe not,” I said, trying to make myself believe it.
“She will, son,” Dad said, tears shining in his eyes. “And if not…we take everything one day at a time. That’s all we can do. That’s all anyone can do, right?”
His voice broke, and he covered his eyes with one hand, shoulders shaking. Wood scraped linoleum as I pushed out of my chair and stood over him. I put my arm around him, giving him whatever I had to give.
And even as I held my sobbing father, part of me wondered if he could smell Holden on me or if his scent had already faded away.