Epilogue Holden #2
I feel like at any second, they’re going to burst out laughing and point at me for falling for the joke.
“Why…” I clear my throat and try again. “Why would you do that?”
Mags and Reg exchange glances, and she slips her hand into his.
“You were only with us for a year. And we hardly saw you—you kept to yourself so much.”
Despite their constant invitations that I spend time with them.
“But we enjoyed having you, Holden,” Reg says. “We don’t have children of our own. We’ve been living off the Parish fortune without so much as lifting a finger in a meaningful way. But having you with us felt like we were doing something important.”
“And when you disappeared, it hurt more than either of us expected.” Mags blinks hard. “We missed you.”
My gaze darts between them, and I wish I hadn’t let River leave. But he isn’t here to lean on. A storm of emotions swirls in me, and it’s up to me to know which are real and true and which are only going to hurt me.
“I missed you too,” I say and know instantly it’s the truth.
Mags’s eyes are full. “A year was far too long to deliberate what we already knew in our hearts the moment you left.”
“We don’t expect you to forgive us, but if you do…” Reg pauses, and I’m shocked to see tears in his eyes too. “If you do, well… That would make us very happy.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. I should thank you for putting up with me my last year of high school. I was a pain in the ass—”
“You never were. Never.”
What is happening right now?
“We’re neighbors now,” Mags continues. “It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but maybe we could have dinner with you and River sometime?”
“How about tonight?” I blurt, the words falling out of my mouth without my permission.
She gives a small, delighted laugh. “Really? We’d love to.”
Reg nods. “We’d like that very much.”
“Great. I just have to make a phone call. Be right back.”
Moving stiffly, I go to the kitchen and pull out my phone. River answers after one ring, as if he’s been waiting for my call.
“What’s happening? Are you okay?”
“I just invited my aunt and uncle to your dad’s for dinner tonight.”
“You did?” River asks, happiness edging the wariness in his voice.
“What does that mean?”
He laughs, bewildered. “I think it means you want to spend time with them. As soon as possible.”
“That’s what I think too,” I say, still shell-shocked. “Is that okay?”
“Well…yeah. If that’s what you want, then it’s more than okay.”
“It is. I just needed to hear your voice. I feel like I’m dreaming.”
“Oh, baby…” River’s voice is suddenly choked with emotion.
“Don’t you start,” I scold. “It’s your fault I’ve become a gigantic sap.”
“I’m totally okay with that. Go back to your aunt and uncle,” River says, and that nervous tinge comes back. “I’ll tell Dad and Amelia to add two more settings.”
I blow out a breath. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you. And, Holden, that happiness you feel right now? Don’t second-guess it. You deserve it.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “You have to stop talking, or I’m going to tear your clothes off the next second I lay eyes on you, and we’ll never make it to this dinner.”
“How is that different from any other day?” He chuckles. “Go. I’ll be home in a few.”
I hang up with River and rejoin my aunt and uncle in the living room. They look different somehow, more familiar than when I’d tried to keep them strangers.
“It’s all set. Dinner’s at seven.”
They both rise off the couch and approach me slowly.
“Thank you,” Mags says. “For the invitation and for forgiving us.”
An awkward silence falls where none of us move. Then Reg says, “Well, we’d better get home and freshen up for dinner. Can you text us the address?”
We exchange numbers. I text him Jerry Whitmore’s address, and another tight silence passes as I walk them to the door.
“So… Can we bring anything?” Mags asks. “A bottle of wine or two?”
“Not necessary. And anyway, I’m off the sauce. In recovery.”
Identical expressions of worry mixed with pride come over their faces, thoroughly parental, and suddenly I’m on the damn verge of tears. Again.
Reg is shaking his head. “Holden, would it be all right if I gave you a hug?”
I can’t move or breathe. I feel my head nod. “Yeah,” I say hoarsely. “That would be all right.”
Reg takes a tentative step toward me. I still can’t move, as if I’m petrified.
My first novel won the National Book Award, and it’s nothing compared to this moment.
He puts his arms around me stiffly, and just before he can pull away, I hug him back.
Our stiffness melts, and he holds me close; I smell Old Spice and cigars, aftershave and fabric softener.
He smells like a dad, and tears threaten.
When he lets me go, Mags is there with her hands clasped in front of her. “My turn?”
I nod, and when Reg turns his back a moment, she hugs me too. Her touch is lighter and more delicate but just as warm.
“Thank you,” she whispers, then kisses my cheek and steps back. “We’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon,” I say faintly and watch them go down the walk. They smile at each other; Reg puts his arm around her, and she rests her head on his shoulder, content.
I shut the door and lean against it, waiting for Alaska to come out of hiding and pounce, steal my warmth and whisper that it’s all a sick joke.
It never does, and the warmth stays long after they’ve gone as I wander through our house. River’s and mine. I’m still exploring like I used to do when I broke into people’s houses.
I feel a little bit like a stranger in a strange land.
Until I wander to the master bedroom, to the closet where River’s boring jeans and shirts hang next to my fabulous suits.
We don’t make sense—like pieces of a puzzle that come from different boxes.
Yet somehow, we fit…and spend most nights proving it.
The heat of River’s body and his love for me burn away the cold that I thought was permanently embedded in the marrow of my bones.
And I know that one day, there will be nothing left.
***
River
I return from the shop a few hours later, my stomach tied in even tighter knots than it had been before I left. I rush through the front door, not sure how I’ll find Holden. But he’s in his office, laptop open, busily working on his next book.
“Hey,” I say from the door. “All good?”
He swivels around in his desk chair. He’s wearing black pants and a tight-fitting black shirt that highlights his lean, toned chest; the short sleeves stretch to contain his biceps. His light ash-blond hair—his natural color—gleams from a recent shower.
He holds up his hands. “What do you know? I have an aunt and uncle.”
His happiness carries me across the office with its hardwood floors and wall-to-wall bookshelves. I lean over him, bracing my hands on the armrests of his chair.
“I’m not the least bit surprised. How could they not love you?”
He makes a wry face. “Do you want the abridged list? I didn’t exactly make life easy when I lived in their guesthouse.”
“No, you made it better.”
I lean in and kiss him. But now that my immediate concerns are erased, my bigger, more stomach-twisting nervousness comes back. I pull away before he can feel it.
“Going to shower, then we can head over to Dad’s.”
“Hey,” he says. “Are you okay? You’re acting weird. Like you’re waiting for earth-shattering news. Or your browser history just went public.”
I shoot him a dry look. “It’s not my browser history I’d be worried about.”
He narrows his eyes, but I hurry out before his shrewd gaze sees right through me.
I shower, rinsing off the grease and oil from the shop, and change into jeans and a deep blue button-down shirt that’s too nice for a casual dinner with my dad and sister.
It’ll fire Holden’s curiosity even more, but I’ll take my chances.
He once told me this was his favorite shirt on me, so I’m wearing it.
Finally, I pull on a lightweight jacket that I don’t need on a hot summer night. That’ll make Holden downright suspicious, but I need the pocket.
At my dresser, I throw a look over my shoulder to make sure he isn’t about to magically appear behind me—he has a habit of doing that. In the top drawer, under a pile of underwear, I find the little black box and slip it into the jacket pocket.
I heave a breath and go back to the office where Holden is still busy typing. He stops, mutters a curse, and taps heavily on the Delete button.
I smile, watching him with so much damn pride. He came out of the dark lake Alaska tried to drown him in, and I know he’ll keep fighting to never go back. And I’ll be there every step of the way.
I touch the box in my pocket.
If he lets me.
***
I drive us to Dad’s house. Amelia’s Honda is parked in the drive.
In the fall, she’ll start college at San Jose State, a forty-minute drive from Santa Cruz.
She’s already got a roommate lined up, a sweet girl she met at orientation.
There haven’t been any more Kyles in her life, and I trust her when she says there won’t be again.
She’s at the dining room table when we come in, laying out place settings.
“Hey, guys!” she says too loudly. She knows tonight’s the night, and I glare at her. She glares back but tones it down. “We’re having your favorite, Holden. Grilled halibut. Dad’s out back, hopefully not overdoing it.”
She comes to give us each a kiss on the cheek.
“Halibut?” Holden frowns. “What’s the occasion?”
“No reason,” Amelia says quickly. “But your aunt and uncle are coming, right? That’s the perfect occasion. We’re lucky we weren’t having ribs from that grease pit River loves so much.”
She gives me a playful nudge, and I ease a sigh of relief that she’s deflected Holden’s suspicions. For now.
My sister is nineteen and pretty in my eyes. Not only for her physical beauty—she looks more like Mom every day—but because she’s healthy. Her smile comes easily like it used to. The grief is still there—it’s in all of us—but it shows now as a depth in her eyes instead of a shadow.